


Always

by Aleksa_writes



Category: VIXX
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Drugs, Dubious Consent, Everyone is Crazy, Except maybe for Taekwoon, Hongbin has issues, M/M, Mafia AU, Mental Health Issues, be careful, lots of blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-05-24 21:52:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 31
Words: 88,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6167998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aleksa_writes/pseuds/Aleksa_writes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's always the same... Always...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Always

The slap came with force, and Taekwoon shuts his eyes tightly and waits, winces at the sound, but there’s no pain. There's never any pain for him. The sound of a body falling and hitting the hardwood flooring makes him flinch but nothing ever matches Hongbin's anger, the way his voice would sound like thunder storms and Taekwoon could never look. “LOOK WHAT YOU’VE MADE ME DO, TAEKWOON! LOOK!”

There was an employee on the floor. Whenever Hongbin got angry with him, whenever he stepped out of the line, Hongbin would snap, yell at him but hit someone else, again and again and again… Blood would spill, he would hear bones cracking and crying sounds… until there was only Hongbin ragged breath, and Taekwoon shaking against a wall… muffling his own tears and swallowing down his fear, his crippling fear and loathing, asking for forgiveness, for Hongbin to stop hurting this innocent… it's not their fault… let them go.

Then he would watch as Hongbin would cradle what was left of his victim in his arms, let people inside the room, let them see Hongbin painted in red, and the receiving end of his anger in his arms, soaking his black suit in blood and tears.

Sometimes they would live, sometimes they wouldn't, sometimes they would be long dead but that never stopped Hongbin from cradling them in his arms and hush them like an attempt at comfort, and Taekwoon would watch as the person, the one who should be him would be taken away, watch Hongbin get up from the floor and walk to him with his hands sticky with red and caress his face… “You know I hate fighting with you hyung, you know that… Don't cry, I hate when you cry…” and Taekwoon would stutter and choke at the stench of iron, heavy and so close to his face, and Hongbin would smile at him, he never hurts him… He died a thousand deaths in the faces of others Hongbin hurted so he wouldn't hurt him, but here, in this confined space with Hongbin looking at him so lovingly… It made dread pool at his insides, there was a red stain on the floor, there was teeth and tears in the midst of a distorted pool of red, trailing down the hallway where they had dragged the corpse, and Taekwoon would look to the ceiling, always, to avoid tears from spilling, he knew they made Hongbin angry, and avoid seeing the blood even if Hongbin's fingers traced his lips and the blood on his hands felt warm, felt fresh… he wouldn't look.

If he doesn't see it it’s not there right?

Hongbin would comment how nice he smells, and lean a bit too close and hum against his neck and the smile again, that smile with dimples, and walk out.

Leaving Taekwoon tear-stained and bloody… leave him to cry until all the blood dried out and became brown, then black… So only then he would push himself up, feeling himself cold, and crawl back to his room, to a place under his covers, he has no strength to undress, nor to clean himself, everything is numb, and he knows Hongbin will be back tonight, to lay down in his bed and _touch_ him… He always asks, never forces anything… They never slept together, because Taekwoon always cries and Hongbin always stops, gathers him in his arms and caresses his hair until he becomes weak with fear and misery and blacks out, so he kisses his temple and walks out.

Hongbin says he loves him, Taekwoon is afraid.

 

**~×~**

 

He gave Taekwoon a necklace.

A silver one with a blue stone dangling from the long chain. He said Taekwoon should wear it when they are at home, that he likes to see him with it. Taekwoon does it, wears it always and all the time, never let’s it touch his skin, it feels dirty, but he never says it. Aside from being Hongbin’s property, he works at his company as well, bureaucracy is his thing and he’s a lawyer. He works for Hongbin for years, mending his mistakes and pacifying all the people he angers. Taekwoon prefers to shield people from Hongbin’s retaliations, if possible. It’s not always possible.

Hongbin is well loved for most, he's a charismatic leader, reacts very well when pressured, has a charming smile… Many are willing to throw their daughters at him. Hongbin always accepts gracefully, accepts the bodies and the favours in exchange of something else, if he considers it a good deal, he does it.  But with them… Taekwoon saw it a few times already. Hongbin would call him to his quarters to purposefully make him see it, see him with someone, see him having sex or even other things… Taekwoon is always impassive, even at the beginning where he felt so very ashamed and so very mortified, still, his face gave nothing.

With them Hongbin is always cold, he never asks, he never regards them in any way, never cares, but then Taekwoon would come and he would smile at him softly, would offer Taekwoon a smoke he would accept with shaking fingers like he was the one whom he just had sex with and leave the others in his bed, alone, for as long as he deemed enough for him to caress Taekwoon’s hair, hug him and rest his head in Taekwoon’s shoulder, and Taekwoon would look and the poor thing in Hongbin’s bed, covered in bruises and so many other things and would feel pity coiling inside.

Always the same, always.

He had lost himself in thought, he remembers he’s still in bed, remember he’s still covered in dried up blood, remembers he should eat something. He will he just has to… Get… Up…

Sitting is hard, everything spins, but he can manage, his room is clean, it always is, Hongbin is always careful with him. There is a knock on the door. “Taekwoon-ah?” _Wonshik_. “Can you help me?”

He stumbles to the door, it’s never locked, and opens up, letting Wonshik walk in as he leans dejectedly against the door, eyes closed. Always the same, always… Wonshik is a stable force, it helps him up again. He and Hongbin have the same age, but where Hongbin is a slow burning, silent plague, Wonshik is a blazing storm, so very unsubtle and easy to read. It was a relief in this house.

For as far as he is informed, Wonshik is one of Hongbin’s personal servants, the ones to deliver his word all over the the state. Officially he is the gardener.

His knuckles are all bloody, broken skin and burn marks. Wonshik was probably asked to do his job again. Taekwoon is not always successful in shielding people from Hongbin’s wrath, and when he isn’t, Wonshik comes to him and asks for patch ups, because he doesn’t trust the facility’s doctor, and he tends to go overboard whenever he has to deliver a message. Wonshik likes hurting people, just like Hongbin does, but Taekwoon is so used to read all of Wonshik’s feelings he is not all that scared anymore.

It seems Wonshik trusts him enough to let him patch him up. It must be something. At least Wonshik doesn’t touch him.

He extends his hands without touching, but making Taekwoon flinch anyway, his small smile in place.

Now, where is the first aid kit? “Go sit Wonshik.” his voice sounds so hoarse it scares him, Wonshik frowns with the closer sentiment he can muster of worry.

He could ask what happened, but he already knows, be heard Sanghyuk saying Hongbin got angry, someone died, he doesn't know who, no one important he supposes, but to Taekwoon everyone is important and it must be hard, caring so much for such trivial things. Taekwoon’s hands are shaking once he comes over again, ball of cotton dipped into something, some antiseptic of his preference, Wonshik was not paying attention. “This may sting a little.” Wonshik smirks at that, Taekwoon is always gentle, always careful, his voice is almost always soft and secretive. Maybe that's why Hongbin loves him so much, he's a balm for the tainted ones, always warm, always kind.

Things around here don't change, they are all mad and poisonous, and it's just normal for the lost ones to cling at the last few drops of feelings, of gentleness.

There isn't a single soul here that doesn't enjoy Taekwoon’s presence, his quietness, his gentleness. Willing to be his watchdogs, and if not for Hongbin's presence, craving for his blood as well. Most of the time, the desire of keeping him safe overthrows everything else.

Most of the time.

Taekwoon is dabbing the cotton ball on his injuries, quietly, carefully watching him for any signs of pain, Wonshik is a little numb still from his high, drug-induced and otherwise. He likes causing pain, and he enjoys a little bit of pain as well from time to time.

Everyone is this house knows Taekwoon is Hongbin's, and nobody really minds, the interest most has in him is nothing more than innocuous desire to destroy something beautiful and good. Taekwoon knows, he knows no one will try anything. Wonshik is Taekwoon guardian most of the time, Hongbin told him to watch out for any inconvenience, any attempts at touching his precious angel. And deliver punishment as he sees fit.

Taekwoon can't see the torture, but he knows Wonshik and Hongbin are the same, knows Wonshik is there to spill blood in Hongbin's place, so he makes himself scarce, stays away from everyone in the house, and stays at his room most of the time.

They deem him shy. He is just scared and nervous.

Wonshik is kind enough, he doesn't touch him unless requested, and stays at a safe distance from him. This makes it easier for Taekwoon to like him a little more, and it's good to have another human being to talk to from time to time, it helps that he can keep a rational conversation with Wonshik, even if he knows Wonshik just stays on his sane side so he won't scare him away. He knows Wonshik sees him as a small animal, a cat or a rabbit, but it's fine, he keeps his distance, and keeps people away from Taekwoon.

He can accept that. And he knows Wonshik likes him, in a much more serving manner than Hongbin's. His fantasies don't concern him though, and he won't ever discuss the subject with Wonshik, afraid of what goes through his mind.

He always wondered why would Wonshik smile so much whenever Taekwoon tended his injuries, but he won't ask, he doesn't want to know. He wraps his hand in bandages in silence instead of thinking. “You should take a bath, hyung.” Wonshik chuckles softly, nodding at the dried blood on Taekwoon’s face like it was ice cream. He will, he just has to finish patching him up first…

...And when he does, Wonshik smiles and slips out saying his _thank you_ ’s and then leaving Taekwoon to his bath and his misery.

Wonshik stays sometimes, when he asks, and they talk about nothing in particular, or mostly Wonshik is the one who talks because Taekwoon is not a talkative person, and Wonshik's deep voice fills the room just fine.

They usually speak of work, Wonshik only ever mentions about his gardener job and Taekwoon is silently glad for that.

But today is not one of those days, Taekwoon is tired, he's sweaty and tear-stained, he needs a bath and a moment of peace, needs to eat something before Hongbin comes at night. He always leaves the lights on at nights like this, when he and Hongbin had a fight, because he knows Hongbin will come by later… He always does.

Things don't change, it's always the same.

He closes his eyes under the spray of water, let's the blood and the sweat and the tears be washed out. At the beginning he’d scrub himself so hard he would end up hurting himself, but Hongbin always gets angry when he gets hurt, and then someone has to pay for that. Taekwoon was always afraid when Hongbin broke things, hurt people, shouted at others… he stopped doing that.

A fresh change of clothes was very much needed, a sweater and some sweatpants, there. Now he can go to the kitchen and eat something, some hours passed, the library is clean again. No marks of blood, no broken furniture, it was all clean again. It was always surprising how everything could get cleaned up in a second. The body would never be found, Taekwoon knows it.

Hongbin is ruthless as much as he is beautiful, and he is too beautiful. Taekwoon thinks his beauty has been dulled and overthrown by his volatile nature, violent behavior and general craziness. The man is insane.

He goes to the kitchen to fetch a bottle of juice and a toast. He is tired, sore and spent, Hongbin has this problem, he drains people.

He feels arms around his waist and a body pressed to his back, he knows that smell, he doesn't have to look to know. “I missed you today, hyung… some other guy came to deliver the reports to me…” he noses at Taekwoon’s neck, he smells of shampoo and soap… So nice.

“I'm sorry, sir… It won't happen again.” He leaves the empty bottle of juice over the counter, letting Hongbin's hands wander around his chest, he hates it, hates the touches and the light kisses. He hates it all. He used to hate Hongbin too, but he's done with that, now he feels nothing, he let's Hongbin have his fun, let's him delude himself with this lie, and does as little as possible, he knows Hongbin despises when he stays completely still.

He hears Hongbin humming, soft and appreciative, his voice vibrating against the column of his neck as Taekwoon finishes his toast. “You’re not mad at me, are you? I'm sorry hyung, don't be mad… All I do is because I love you.” The hold tightens, his back pressed against Hongbin's chest but he doesn't care, he's too tired, he pats the crumbles of his clothes and turns on his heels to look at Hongbin with dead eyes and caresses his face, letting him nuzzle his palm and kiss his wrist. It doesn't matter, they won't do anything today as well. “I had someone over today…” he starts, eyes so dark Taekwoon feels the fear bubbling on the back of his throat as he keeps his face straight. “They were willing to offer themselves to me but… I could only think about you. I was so disappointed when it wasn't you to bring me my files today… I wanted to look at you while I fucked them…” he sounds so calm, Taekwoon’s insides twist in revulsion but his face remains the same. It's always the same.

Hongbin looks at him with this sickenly warm feeling Taekwoon refuses to call love. He has to answer. “I’m sorry, sir.” Hongbin whines and buries his face into his neck, Taekwoon swallows dryly and forces himself to keep breathing, Hongbin is pressing him against the marble counter, the stone digs into his skin and he feels like he might start crying so he just looks up, as usual.

“Don't call me sir, hyung… I loved when you called me Bin-ah. Why you never do this anymore?” _Because I found you are insane and a murderer and you disgust me._ Taekwoon only smiles softly, both hands cupping Hongbin's face.

“I'm sorry, Bin-ah. I'm just tired.” His smile stays in place until Hongbin starts smiling back at him, he didn't notice his cold hands or his impassive eyes, as he’s supposed to.

Hongbin’s hands settle on his hips, and his smile is too bright for a man that has no light inside his heart. “Come with me to the meeting next week. As my lawyer and my escort.” Taekwoon nods because he can't force himself into saying yes, but Hongbin is so happy as it is. “I love you, hyung. Do you love me?” one of the house servants goes inside, and Hongbin almost turns to look at him, he hates to be interrupted when he is having a private conversation with Taekwoon and by the way his eyes lose their warmth, Taekwoon already knows he will _do something_ . So he kisses him, kisses him deeply and violently, offering both a distraction and an answer. He keeps his eyes wide open, and gestures for the servant to leave _now_ and he does, running out if the kitchen like it's on fire.

The content sigh that mingles into the kiss makes Taekwoon almost gag in reflex. He hates it, he hates this feeling, but he made a choice. One sacrifice for another.

Hongbin's hand comes up to grab the pendant of his necklace and twist it around his fingers like a leash, pull him closer as his own body rejects Hongbin so strongly he keeps backing out without noticing. That's why the chain of this necklace is made of steel, Hongbin demanded an unbreakable chain, and he got it. He always does.

He let Taekwoon go only when he felt satisfied, whispering how much he loves him against his lips, eyes still closed so he can't tell the way Taekwoon trembles is due to revulsion and not desire, it doesn't matter, even when Hongbin pulls away… It doesn't matter, they'll meet again today… Taekwoon’s door is always unlocked, and Hongbin is the only one that comes in without knocking.

The only one…

He releases the necklace, the pendant hits Taekwoon’s chest and dangles lightly, he's still bent over from the kiss, and he'll stay like this for awhile longer… even when Hongbin retreats, even when Wonshik comes in to grab a bottle of wine, the one he left on the fridge…

Then he rubs his mouth on the back of his hand, and resists the urge to spit on the floor. “Hi, hyung. The boys and I are going to have a drink,” he shakes de cheap bottle of wine in his hand for good measure. “Wanna come?”

Getting drunk with a bunch of murderers? Yeah, why not. “ _Yes._ ” it's a good night to get wasted anyway, maybe the alcohol will take Hongbin's taste off his mouth.

 

**~×~**

 

It doesn't.

It doesn't take Hongbin's taste off.

Wonshik is sitting right beside him, so he leans into him for support. Who else is here? Sanghyuk is, he deals with the bodies. Officially he's the cook. Taekwoon never thinks about that. Never.

Jaehwan is here too, he is the craziest of all, he constantly tries to invite Taekwoon to their torture chambers, like a child trying to show their finger paint to their teacher at school. Always so proud of the mess he makes. He has no official job, he doesn't even count on the official list of employees.

There's Hakyeon, whose function is dealing with the money, dirty and otherwise. He also deals with the favours and the drugs.

They are all part of Hongbin's inner circle, and people he trusts. Hongbin doesn't trust many people, he gets angry easily and kills without thinking. To survive Lee Hongbin one must think like him, so here, around Taekwoon in his drunken state, stand the cruelest and coldest men, those who take pleasure in others pain, those who have no good in them, but even so stand together for convenience and a weird sense of belonging.

“Hey hyung, you never come drink with us. Why the change of heart?” Sanghyuk is the one asking, watching carefully as Wonshik keeps his hand steady on Taekwoon's shoulder. 

 _I needed to get his taste off my mouth._ “I'm tired. I needed some relief.” It's not a lie. He does need some relief. He knows Hongbin is sick but this week was… Twice, Hongbin killed twice in five days, once when Taekwoon got hurt, and then today… He doesn't remember what happened today, but he feels Hongbin's hands on him, he wants this to stop, wants to numb this feeling but can't.

“And you still do?” He almost asks what is he talking about, until Wonshik’s hold on his shoulder tightens and he shots Sanghyuk a warning glance.

_Oh…_

_Maybe._

The pressure of Wonshik’s hand on his shoulder is pleasant, he was the one to initiate the contact so he doesn't care. He wanted to drown Hongbin's scent with something else, Wonshik just happened to be this something else. He was the closest one.

But he still needs to answer. “I guess I do…” and then Wonshik is raising him up and down the hallway to his room, but not before Taekwoon can steal a bottle of random alcohol for himself, he still needs it. Hakyeon is not there at the moment, probably smoking, but Sanghyuk’s eyes have something in them, he doesn't know, he's too drunk to know.

Wonshik puts him into his bed carefully, always a watchdog, always keeping him out of trouble. He likes him, Wonshik is nice.

He decided that now, he likes Wonshik.

Yeah…

He takes a swing from the bottle, remaining in the position Wonshik left him in. He is pacing around the room, what time is it now? The light are too bright, they make everything feel real, and Taekwoon is not real, he's swimming, like his brain, and everything is fine.

“You should sleep, hyung.” Wonshik is clumsily trying to cover him with the sheets he got in the wardrobe, but he's not used to being kind. Taekwoon makes a sound, rolling the bottle between his drunken hands. “Can't. Hongbin will come. We fought and he needs my body.” Taekwoon is being truthful enough, besides he wants to talk for a little longer. He is trying to name Wonshik's smell inside his head.

He fails.

“I like your voice.” Wonshik is looking at him placatingly, closing the curtains and looking for a night light, he sees Taekwoon squinting his eyes to the light bulb rather displeasedly.

“You should stop drinking and sober up, hyung.” He's playful, Wonshik never takes anything seriously not even torture. “Or you won't satisfy Hongbin-nim.”

Taekwoon is not very worried about Hongbin's satisfaction at the moment. “He told me he fucked someone today… He said he wanted me to be there, so he could look at me and fuck them.” It's fine. It's just Wonshik, he won't tell. “He does that a lot. He says it's fine as long as he only thinks of me…” He was rambling out loud, but Wonshik took a sit on the other side of the room to hear him speak anyway. He was considerably less drunk than he was but… it's okay right?

Wonshik crosses his legs, looks at him with something serious in his eyes. “And what do you think?”

Taekwoon shrugs. “I don't know.” The bottle is almost empty so he downs it in a few seconds, he can't feel the burn anymore. “He always asks, if he can kiss me, if he can touch me… Where should he touch. He's trying too hard.” He won't tell he hates it, he hates everything Hongbin does for and to him.

Wonshik hums, he almost forgot he was there, he's so quiet. “And what would you like?”

_What would I like…_

He doesn't know. From Hongbin he wants nothing, he doesn't hate him, not anymore but… His love is so poisonous… His eagerness to please Taekwoon and only Taekwoon… His sick obsession. “I don't know… He says... he says he knows what's best for me, he says he knows how to please me.”

_Please me…_

Is he ever pleased?

No.

“Does he?” If he could tell, he would know there was something different in Wonshik's voice, something lower. Sometimes it happens, sometimes he feels this artificial infatuation with Taekwoon and his breathless voice, sometimes he watches him not because he was told to, but because _wants_ to.

He doesn't love him. He doesn't know how to. He's too broken, too evil, too destructive. And sometimes he takes pleasure in watching Taekwoon crying, as he is now, even if he is quite sure Taekwoon hasn't noticed the tears yet.

He's been crying for several minutes now. “I don't know…” he chokes the words out, he sounds so hoarse. His voice gets all the weaker when he cries, it's so beautiful.

He's always beautiful, they all know that. But there are moments when he is not only beautiful, he's gorgeous, he's breathtaking… When he cries, for example.

Wonshik considers himself lucky to be able to see this. But he thinks that for a long time now.

He should leave though, but not before he caress Taekwoon’s face and tell him to be careful. And Taekwoon would nod back at him and offer a very small smile.

He leaves.

His fingers are wet with Taekwoon’s tears.

He licks them clean.

And goes away.


	2. A Monster

Hongbin never came.

But things don't change and Taekwoon discovers soon enough that the reason behind his absence is because Wonshik found a corpse in the garden. He openly complains about the fact that that girl's dead body crushed his lilies and he's pissed as fuck. Wonshik _is_ the gardener after all.

Aside from that he doesn't see Hongbin much, he's either locked inside his office or away with Wonshik and Sanghyuk. At some point he starts taking Jaehwan with them.

No one asks, not when Hongbin comes home late, not when he leaves first thing in the morning. No one speaks back to him for the last time it happened someone was stabbed twice.

Taekwoon is afraid, as he normally is.

Hongbin comes to him in one of those nights, smelling like blood and gunpowder, still cladded into his black suit, with his hair tousled over from his own fingers. And he gets Taekwoon smoking by the window, holding a piece of paper with one hand and the cheap cigarette with the other. He startles visibly when Hongbin touches his hip and applies pressure. He feels feverish, hands seeping fire through the thin fabric of Taekwoon’s white t-shirt, breath hot against the shell of his ears. Taekwoon didn't heard him approaching.

His eyes have nothing on them, they are black and livid like Hongbin's true nature, they suck all the light from around them and give nothing in return. Merciless as he is. He steals Taekwoon’s cigarette and takes one long drag, holding the smoke inside his lungs with his eyes closed, he opens them just to bring Taekwoon into a forceful kiss, hand on his scalp holding him firmly in place, releasing the smoke into Taekwoon’s mouth fluidly. He almost chokes. “Breathe me in, Taekwoon.” He does. He takes a deep breath holding the front of Hongbin's shirt into his fists as Hongbin releases the rest of the smoke for him to take. Only then he spins them around, and Taekwoon coughs a little as he is pressed to the wall.

Hongbin finishes his cigarette for him, breath the toxic cloud of smoke in, holds it and then releases it through his nose, so close to Taekwoon’s face as they are in this position against the wall, Taekwoon has no other choice but to breathe him in again. There is an unsettling sense of intimacy in this, Taekwoon feels a little dizzy, a little sick.

Again he has to face the black holes that are Lee Hongbin’s eyes, Hongbin's arms hang beside his body as lifelessly as the rest of him, aside from their close proximity and the fact that Hongbin has thrown him against the wall, he is not held in place. He can get away if the tries to, and Hongbin looks at him as if daring him to do so. But he can't move, he feels so caught up in Hongbin's impassive, daring stare he is too afraid of doing anything.

As if reading his mind, Hongbin eyes darken a little more, if possible. “Are you scared?” His eyes fall to his neck, and Taekwoon swallows visibly. “I asked you a question.” Their eyes meet again through Hongbin's long, dark eyelashes. Taekwoon feels the familiar fear running cold under his skin. In face of his silence Hongbin leans in, mouth resting against the shell of his ears, his breath too hot and too present, he just breath normally. “Don't make me wait. Say it… say you are terrified. I know you are, I can smell it in your skin.” His voice has something sharp on the edges, and he noses at his neck, as if to prove a point. Taekwoon nods fervently because he is, he is so very afraid of Hongbin. He always is. He feels it coiling inside him like cold water.

“I knew it.” He licks his lips, his dark, unchanging eyes ripping pieces of Taekwoon’s flesh like a knife. “Why? Have I ever done anything to you? Have I ever forced you into anything?” Their eyes meet again and Taekwoon sees something in those eyes… is it anger? “If I wanted, I could have painted my sheets with this warm blood of yours… Could have taken you by force anytime I wanted… But I didn't.” His voice is so low, Hongbin is all the more dangerous when he is soft spoken. Taekwoon thinks he may die tonight. There is a weird sense of relief in that. “I want you so bad…”

A long, painful pause, Hongbin lights another cigarette, one of his this time. “Go to my quarters tonight. Keep the necklace on, but don't bother with clothes.” Taekwoon shivers, from fear, from a twisted feeling of relief he is quick to label as “ _the fear of the chase is finally over_ ” and then a glint of hope that maybe Hongbin is too caught up in himself to regard him like he does with all the others.

He knows it won't be the same, he just wants to lie.

So he gets the pills Wonshik gave him months prior, with the sole purpose of using them when Hongbin finally got tired of the pleasantries and decided to be what he really is.

A monster.

Taekwoon was always ready, but the pills are a comfort of sorts. He swallows three of them with the tap water from his bathroom sink, and waits for them to kick in.

It hits him hard ten minutes later. High and burning and fuzzy and dizzy and so very smashed his own mind starts to think that he'll be okay.

He will.

Everything feels fine.

It's all good.

He can do it.

So he laughs numbly and gets up. Maybe he never hated Hongbin. _Did he?_ Maybe he just wanted attention. _Why?_ Maybe he was just in denial of his feelings due to some hollow morality. _He's a murderer._ Maybe he wants this to happen, why would he stay for so long if he didn't? _Maybe you're right._

_I want him._

 

_I always wanted this._

 

He reaches the door and stumbles against it, Hongbin calls him in and he fights with the doorknob until he does, he feels so warm, even if he's a bit nauseous but that's ok, he doesn't want to wait anymore. Wonshik is there too, he's sitting by the desk reading some papers but he doesn't mind that.

Hongbin leaves Wonshik by the desk and walks up to Taekwoon in slow motion, or maybe it just feels like it because it takes _so long_ for him to finally get to him, and Taekwoon inhales his scent, the smell of death, and smiles.

 _He's so beautiful_.

Wonshik observes them quietly from his chair. “Should I leave, sir?” His lower voice makes Taekwoon look at him with blurry eyes and try to conceive his presence as real too. Hongbin shots him a brief glance tearing his eyes away from Taekwoon to regard his best man with consideration in his dark eyes.

Hongbin shakes his head after a brief moment of silence. “No. Stay. He must know who he belongs to.” Wonshik nods quietly and leans back into his chair, arms and legs crossed. Waiting.

In a second Hongbin in all over him, or maybe he just got distracted, because things happen a lot and he is struggling to just keep breathing. But he decided he wants Hongbin, he wants _this_ and so he openly sighs as Hongbin frees him from his shirt to trace his fingers across his exposed skin, it's fine, Hongbin is warm, his words are the only cold thing about him, and Taekwoon laughs at his own joke as Hongbin mouths at his neck, the sound so rich and so secretive Hongbin is the only one to catch it. Taekwoon forgot Wonshik is still here.

Hongbin says nothing, but he bites down at Taekwoon’s neck _hard_ , and Taekwoon moans bashfully, it's exactly as it should be, Hongbin is a violent man, it's only normal he has a violent sex.

It's only normal…

Violence…

His hair is soft when Taekwoon touches it, and Hongbin puts his knees between his legs , and his arms around his waist to pull him up to his chest, the buttons of his shirt bite at Taekwoon’s flesh, but it's fine, Hongbin bites as well.

Somehow they went to the bed, he remembers it faintly, remembers waltzing around the room in Hongbin's arms as he guided them both to the blood-red sheets, he remembers falling and remembers how soft they felt. But he doesn't remember when or how his clothes got discarded, nor does he remember when he started looking at Wonshik at his chair, waiting for Hongbin to return from a phone call. He remembers Hongbin's return though, and the way he held his face back towards him. “What are you doing?” Is the first thing he said to him from the moment he stepped inside.

“It's ok if I'm thinking about you, right?” His arms snake around Hongbin's neck, he's smiling and Hongbin is searching. He growls or something similar that Taekwoon doesn't catch entirely, for he is distracted looking at his lips and he speaks before he has the chance to think this through. “Bite me again.”

Hongbin was still looking at his messages, Taekwoon is a little restless, something jittery vibrates inside his bones, inside his skull. He's already here, he wants to keep going.

Hongbin's eyes finally turn to him, something similar to anger flashes in them. “Who do you think you are to make demands?” He throws the phone away, somewhere into the floor, to yank back the black locks of Taekwoon's hair into his fist.

Taekwoon gasps contently, this is violence, this is how it should be. “Please Hongbinnie… Please bite me again, mess me up, show me who I belong to. I want to- _ahn!”_ This, this bite drew blood, but that's the point, right? This is how it's supposed to happen, right? Then why does he feel so _sad_ ? Why does he feel so _hollow_ ? There must be _something_ missing.

He claws back at Hongbin's back when he feels the disturbance happening between his thighs, he marginally feels that Hongbin at least lubed himself up before thrusting _inside_ but he doesn't know, the stretch is painful and that's all he can identify, _pain_. Now he doesn't feel sad, there's too much pain for that, Hongbin never bothered to prepare him beforehand, but that's what he wants, he wants to feel better.

_He wants him inside, like this. With no tenderness or lies._

_He wants the beast, not the man._

Then why is he crying? It must be from the pain, because he doesn't feel sad anymore, he doesn't feel hollow, Hongbin is there, he knows what's best for him, he's gonna be ok, he _wants him_.

Hongbin is breathless, like an animal, like a _monster. His monster._ Taekwoon urges him to start moving because he's starting to feel sad again, Hongbin mutters something in his ears _too hot_ he said, but Taekwoon knows nothing about that, he just wants release, so he starts talking again. “Hongbinnie… Move, please…” and Hongbin snaps his hips back and then forward and _that, that's the feeling_ . He cries out for everyone to hear, he wants them to know, know he only ever wanted this. This feeling, _this pain_. It reminds him he's alive, Hongbin is there, he will catch him, he knows what's best, but the tears didn't stop falling even if he's not sad anymore, he's not in pain anymore, so Hongbin  licks them away from his face. He's grateful, he doesn't want to be sad, he doesn't want to cry.

Hongbin is moving and it feels right so he moves with him, meets him halfway so he knows he wants this too, he likes the breathless sounds Hongbin makes, how he's all rough touches and bite marks and hickeys, holding him by the neck so sometimes he chokes him and it's fine, he feels so light headed, with fingers around his throat and a little less air into his brain. He's not sad at all now, he feels sometimes building up with the pace Hongbin dictates.

But it's not enough.

Not yet.

“ _Faster…_ ” he hears someone say that, probably him, Hongbin's voice wouldn’t sound like this, so hoarse, so helpless. Hongbin grabs the neglected cock between his legs, he almost forgot about it, even if it's hot and leaking, he forgot about it until now. He trips over his orgasm some time later and his nails bury themselves into the flash on Hongbin's back and he hear him hissing, but he needs a few more seconds yet to come undone, everything is overly sensitive, he feels like dying, maybe he is because things are so blurry, then something hot is filling him up and he  whines weakly, he meets Wonshik's eyes across the room as Hongbin catches his breath. Hongbin whisper something. “ _I love you_ ” he said, but Taekwoon can't answer because he feels like sleeping, so he does… He blacks out with the feeling of Hongbin's warm cum dripping out if his now tainted body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There.  
> I hope you enjoy thing so far, it's very fun to write this  
> Have a good day yall ;)  
> Oh, would you like some more Wontaek? Let me know.


	3. Chapter 3

He wakes to a splitting headache, alone in Hongbin’s red sheets, as the mentioned busies himself in a bath.

The sound of the bathroom door opening is what took him off his restless, drug-induced slumber and back into this world of pain. He doesn’t remember what happened, but his throat feels sore, much like the rest of his body. In a second Hongbin touches his bare back with his wet, cold fingers and he startles, constricting his sore muscles. Groaning in instant regret.

Hongbin chuckles softly from behind him. “You never told me about this side of yours…” He can’t say anything, he doesn’t know about this side he’s talking about neither. Something inside him shatters, he stands, even if his legs falter and he has to hold onto the headboard to keep himself up.

He can’t breathe, not with Hongbin here, so close… His ears ring, he takes the sheets and walks out, has to hold himself against the wall as to keep on his feet, the red sheets rolled haphazardly around his body for he could not come with a faster alternative. One hand clutched to the front of the chest, holding the sheet in place, the other against the wall.

He doesn’t go far, Hongbin is there, throws him against the wall and he surely prays he’s angry enough to kill him.

He’s unstable, _I don’t want to die_ , his hands shake, _yes I do, kill me now._ “Scared?” Hongbin’s hands traces his neck, he’s terrified. Eyes closed, he doesn’t cry, he just shakes in silence.

The necklace around his neck feels like a ball and chain. “Let me go.” he’s breathing too hard, shaking too much, Hongbin does not mind. “ _Let me go_!” Then he is pushing Hongbin away, the mentioned is stumbling back and hitting the wall hard and Taekwoon is throwing a vase on the floor.

Make it stop…

Everything hurts his head feels like it’ll explode.

Make it _stop_ …

He reaches for a shard, his hands dig into the broken piece of porcelain, something warm rolls down his arm, he can’t see what it is, the room feels like it's closing in around him.

_Make it stop…_

There are steps down the hall, they’ll try to touch him again, Hongbin reaches for him, he starts screaming. Searing pain cuts through his entire body, he looks down, his hands are red, the shard is buried deep into the flesh of his arm, he feels dizzy.

Hongbin is holding his wrists, it hurts, it doesn’t stop. Someone is grabbing him from behind, he starts screaming again, his throat is so sore, why must they hurt him? Why must he go through this?

“ _MAKE IT STOP!”_ Is this voice his? It must be. There are more people coming, he wants the pain to stop, it doesn’t. He holds his breath, they notice.

Everything goes dark once again.

 

**~+~**

 

He wakes in the infirmary, Hongbin is right beside him, using his stern voice to talk to someone... someone Taekwoon vaguely recognizes as a nurse, a little further there is Wonshik on his cellphone, Taekwoon can hear him, but he cannot see him. He coughs when he tries to speak… He notices his voice is gone. He wants water.

Hongbin glances at him, then says something to Wonshik and leaves. Wonshik is the one to come near his bed, sit beside him and wait until he is fully aware of his surroundings. He notices he’s tied to the bed, that he’s very sore, and that the back of his eyes hurt when he blinks. “You had a panic attack.” he starts, playing aimlessly with the blue stone of his necklace. “You shouldn’t take more than one pill at a time, hyung. You could have overdosed.” His voice is very smooth, very relaxing, Taekwoon tries to make a sound to demonstrate he’s listening but he ends up in a coughing fit.

Very patiently, Wonshik waits for him to stop coughing before resuming his talking. “You bit Sanghyuk really hard, he’s sporting quite a bruise now.” he chuckles and Taekwoon tries to remember biting anyone. He fails.

He has to apologize to Sanghyuk in the future.

“You painted half the hallway red…” He taps the posts of the infirmary bed with his fingers, the rings on them make a repetitive metallic sound. Taekwoon can’t remember none of it. “Also, you need a bath. Fortunately, nobody died in this.” Taekwoon wants to ask how long he’s been out, he doesn’t remember anything from the moment he took those pills. He knows he and Hongbin had sex but that’s all he knows for sure, he doesn’t remember anything, he doesn’t even remember how he got to Hongbin’s room… If they went to Hongbin’s room in the first place. Did he and Hongbin really had sex? He can’t tell.

Wonshik helps him sit up, this hospital gown is funny, it's more like a huge t-shirt, it probably is. This is no hospital after all. “Hakyeon missed you at work. He came by a few times already.” Wonshik likes to make them look more human, just so he won't be scared. But he knows that's not true. He's not scared anymore. The thing Hongbin broke cannot be fixed, but he appreciates the efforts.

He looks at himself in the mirror and what he sees makes him stop on his track, even with Wonshik’s guidance to support him.

There are fingers imprinted on his neck, he pulls at the collar to see his neck, his collarbones, his shoulders all littered in black and purple, his forearm has stitches and his hand is swollen.

_“He must know who he belongs to.”_

 

Wonshik was there.

 

He steps out of Wonshik's hold, supporting himself using the sink but his hand is too hurt and he can't use it, the stitches pull on the other arm, he stumbles to the wall. He hides his face into his hands and lets out a broken whine, that makes his throat sting, but shame is worse than pain.

Wonshik leaves him there and goes fill the tub, sitting back and watching Taekwoon shake in silence. He sniffs the bottles of soap and shampoo as the sound of water makes way to take the place of their forgotten conversation. “I’m so sorry…” Taekwoon all but croaks, Wonshik looks at him as if he's confused. “For making you see that.”

Wonshik’s boisterous laugh fills the room, raising itself above the sound of the water. “Is that what you’re thinking? You are too good.” He walks to crouch down in front of him, keeping his hands to himself, his eyes do what he would be doing with his hands anyway. Taekwoon instinctively closes his legs, Wonshik chuckles. “I enjoy watching, don't worry.” He smiles and offers a hand to help him stand up again, the bath is ready and he is here to help, after all.

The room is not too big, it's a small white bathroom with a tub, a shower, two cabinets filled with bottles and boxes. His vision feels a lot clearer but things feels heavy and blurry still. Wonshik is still wearing his yesterday clothes and looks very tired. Taekwoon would ask, if he had the voice to do so.

Taekwoon stares at the hand in silence, he's not very sure of what he should think, but it's too late to be ashamed now, right? If anything, he's still glad that Wonshik isn't touching him, so it's fine.

He takes the hand, Wonshik helps him up to his feet. “Take off your clothes. I’ll help you.” He's not being sexual, Taekwoon knows it, his eyes are too relaxed and he's still focusing on the soap in his hand but… Even so… “It's too late to be shy now, hyung.” he chuckles again, and Taekwoon lowers his head to hide his shame... but he's right, he takes off the white shirt after an awkward moment of silence and enters the tub without protest. The water is very warm and it's a relief, really. He can hear his sore muscles practically singing, he sighs. Wonshik is humming somewhere behind him as he choses a bottle of shampoo. “Natural curls or Control/Repair?” Taekwoon needs a moment to understand what the fuck he is talking about but it happens eventually… _Ah, shampoo._

“It doesn't matter.” He has another coughing fit, Wonshik uses the smell of both products as a tiebreaker, he likes the “Natural Curls” a little more. That’s the one then.

Taekwoon can’t help but to curl up into himself a bit, hug his knees and look down, he feels too exposed and Wonshik can be casual about it but he isn’t. Shame is still eating him alive, but he won’t make things worse for himself, he’s already awkward. It’s the second time he’s been naked in front of Wonshik in a matter of days… Well, that didn’t help.

Wonshik squeezes a generous amount of shampoo into his hands and guides them to Taekwoon’s scalp, he should have brought his headphones, Taekwoon is not very talkative in his good days, on the bad ones he is just... Mute.

The feeling of someone touching him takes Taekwoon of his thoughts, but also startles him, making him try to stand up instinctively and gasp when his busted hand and arm make him sit down again and splash water around. Wonshik just laughs.

He always laughs.

“You know, it’s the first time I help someone into bath.” he starts conversational, watching the subtle shake in Taekwoon’s hands as his fingers works their way into the foam forming on his scalp. “I mean, someone who’s _alive_ but I guess it doesn’t count, really.”

Taekwoon has nothing to say at that, so he continues to fill the silence with his useless words. “When I came you had already blacked out, but Jaehwan says you really got Sanghyuk, the kid was bleeding and all, I was surprised. For someone with such a small mouth, you sure can bite hard.” It’s clear he’s not accusing Taekwoon of anything, they don’t care, it’s not like Sanghyuk doesn’t deserve worse anyway.

They like Sanghyuk, yes, but that doesn’t mean that the huge swollen splotch of black into his arm wasn’t funny. They would tease him for years.

Sanghyuk, the boy who almost lost a chunk of his arm to the unarmed kitten of the mansion.

They can only hope Sanghyuk doesn’t poison their food in the upcoming weeks.

Again, the silence is the only answer Wonshik receives from Taekwoon, and he sighs, this is so very boring. He can almost feel his smile slowly dying, and he rolls up his sleeves. Well, that calls for action, doesn't it?

He pushes Taekwoon down into the water. He can excuse himself saying that he wanted to rinse the foam off, it’s true, partially.  The other part of it is only him wanting to see Taekwoon choking and gasping once he releases his hold and let’s him resurface from the water. “Are you still thinking about last night?” he’s repeating the process of choosing the conditioning product from the assortment this infirmary keeps.

Taekwoon was going to complain about been partially drowned, but he soon forgets about that as Wonshik mentions the previous night, even if he’s still wheezing, he falls quiet again. “You are, aren’t you?”

Wonshik is not one to dance around things, but he’s always tiptoeing around everything with Taekwoon, he knows if he tries to push him he’ll shut down completely. Taekwoon knows Wonshik is every ounce of a monster Hongbin is, but his detachment makes him less unstable. “Worried I might lose my shit like Hongbin does? You shouldn’t. I don't love you.” Wonshik crouches beside the tub, Taekwoon plays aimlessly with his necklace. “You should let me take care of you. Think of me as an extention of your own arms, since yours are kinda busted right now.” He smiles again, getting up to look for soap and a sponge. Taekwoon is quiet, debating if things can get any worse. Wonshik is possibly the only person who wouldn’t use any possible opportunity to rip him apart. He was with him when Taekwoon was drunk enough to think he was actually a good person.

In place such as this, this is a dangerous thought. 

He didn't do anything bad then, and he hasn't done anything now. He was completely and absolutely focused on his work, even if mildly amused by Taekwoon fidgeting.

At this point, how much could he lose? The only thing he got left was his job and his life, and Wonshik didn't seem interested in neither. “Hey, do you like cherries? I do, it's like, the best thing ever.” _What? Oh... The soap._

“Wonshik… is Hongbin angry?” His hoarse voice is starting to make him irritated, so he coughs a few times in an attempt of cleaning his throat to no avail. His throat is as broken as the rest of him.

Wonshik seems to ponder about his question as he squeezes soap into the blue sponge he found inside the cabinet. “Well, he told me to clean you up. So I guess he's not that angry, he's still pretty content with the sex. He likes when you get bashful and calls him petnames.” Wonshik snorts, settings the bottle down. “Hongbin is a sensitive soul.”

Taekwoon has to frown at that. _What soul? Sensitive? What?_ Then he remembers Wonshik is also insane and his face goes back into impassiveness. Wonshik may be tamed but he _is_ insane. “You’re all insane.” He mumbles to himself, but Wonshik hums anyway, he is, but that's beside the main point here.

He goes beside Taekwoon again and kneels down, one hand holding the sponge, the other on Taekwoon's shoulder. “Now you stay still ok? It'll be over soon.” the sponge is soft, and it smells strongly of cherries, just like Wonshik mentioned. He rubs his back in circular motions, humming a song Taekwoon doesn't know but would soon discover it's the song Wonshik hums when he's doing mostly anything...  _anything._ Taekwoon exhales and leans back. “You bathed after you and Hongbin fucked?”

_Oh, so we really did..._

The question is innocent enough, he's rubbing circles along his chest, but Taekwoon doesn't remember.

“I don't know. I don't remember.” He is being truthful, noticing something is hurting him, but not knowing what until Wonshik reaches to take his hand. He started bleeding again. The watery red stain rolls into the tub and mixes soundlessly in the warm water. He feels dizzy. “Calm down.” Wonshik's voice sounds distant but grounding, he takes deep breaths, deep breaths.

_Remember to keep breathing._

He leans against Wonshik at the back of the tub, a wet stain forming on the front of his shirt, but he doesn't care, worse things already stained his clothes before. He resumes cleaning the man in front of him.

But he's going down and Taekwoon gasps, Wonshik holds his hands tighter. “ _Calm down._ Spread your legs for me, will you?” Wonshik is doing gentle circles on the back of his bruised hand with his thumb, Taekwoon can’t move. “ _You said-_ ” he doesn't finish.

“I know what I said, and I was serious. Trust me in that ok?” Nothing in his voice sounds sexual, but Taekwoon can't help but heat up, he tries to shake his head, tries to say he can't but Wonshik is wrapping his arms around him, his hands still intertwined, rocking them back and forth, shushing him quietly, soaking his clean white shirt in soapy water, bending over to cradle Taekwoon into his chest. “It's alright, I just want to help… I know it hurts, you feel dirty don't you? Let me help, _breathe._ ” His lungs expand at once, he's been holding his breath for quite some time now. He has gone limp in Wonshik's arms, leaning against his chest and gasping like he's been drowning. Wonshik doesn't mind, he only waits, humming silently. “Are you ok?” Taekwoon swallows dryly, his own tongue feels like a burden, he nods and closes his eyes tightly, legs parting shakily. Wonshik smiles, and it's clear in his voice when he speaks. “Good boy.”

He hears the sponge dipping into the water, but doesn't sees it, eyes screw shut, gripping Wonshik's hand with shaking, cold fingers. He leisurely cleans the insides of his thighs, ignoring the small whimpers Taekwoon spills every now and then, leaving the abused space between his legs for last. The water is turning lukewarm, but they have been here for quite some time now. Taekwoon gasps loudly when a finger invades him, slides inside and stops. “Tell me if it hurts too much, I’ve never done this before.” _He never bothered to_. Taekwoon blinks away a few tears, it hurts, but it'll be over soon he just has to- “ _Ahn…!_ ” Then he shrinks into himself, trying to make himself smaller so maybe Wonshik won't see him. But he does.

“Ops. Sorry. I didn't mean to touch that.” Taekwoon shakes his lowered head, his free hand covering his heated face. This situation is repeating itself way too much. “Bite down this moans though, you don't want a nurse to come check on you right?” Taekwoon feels the sudden urge to explain himself, but words got stuck somewhere between his brain and mouth. “I don't really mind, I enjoy seeing you cry and all, but you probably don't want that.” Wonshik moves his finger again and Taekwoon has no time to say anything, he grips at Wonshik's hand tighter and bite down on his lips to muffle any sound that he may have thought about making.

_How did it end like this?_

“There. All clean.” Then Wonshik backs away and Taekwoon can further curl up into a ball and press his bloody palm on his face along with the other. How much time has passed? They’ll never know. Wonshik smells the blood on his own hand with a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “Let's get out of there before you get sick, ok?”

Taekwoon tries to stand but his knees feel wobbly from all the touching and poking and he falls back down, groaning lightly as Wonshik holds the towel, making no sign of going to help him stand. Not that he wants him to anyway. He succeeds own his own, eventually.

They both make it back to the infirmary room, Taekwoon gets a new change of clothes and lays into fresh sheets. Wonshik frees himself from his half soaked shirt, that he abandons on the floor with a wet noise, towelling himself briefly.  “So. You and Hongbin are shaken or something?”

_Maybe I should eat something… Probably…_

“I'm almost sure I was trying to stab _him_ when I hurt myself.” Taekwoon pokes the tender flesh around his stitches lightly. Wonshik snorts, Taekwoon wonders what’s so funny.

**~×~**

 

He's dressing himself up, he agreed to go with Hongbin to a party weeks prior and he had completely forgotten about it until Hongbin entered into his room demanding him to get dressed for they should leave soon.

Taekwoon doesn't remember agreeing to go but… he doesn't remember a lot of things that have to do with Hongbin lately.

He's been thinking a lot… Hongbin is a monster, they all know that, his relationship with him is abusive at it's best days. And yet he feels like he owns Hongbin something, maybe for saving his life in the past… It wasn't solely and purely for the kindness of his heart, but he's life was saved nonetheless. He almost works for free since then and Hongbin is extremely violent at times but… But nothing, because Hongbin has no heart, he has a piece of charcoal that he burns everyday in the fires of his undying desire to bleed everything around him to death.

And that's the only real truth. But even if he knows that, fully knows that, he can't seem to make himself hate Hongbin again. Maybe Hongbin broke him, it's very much possible, because the smell of blood and the guns don't make him anxious anymore. The dirty money and the sexual favors don't make his insides twist anymore. Maybe he spent too much time on drinks and drugs with Wonshik and the others. Maybe he is truly tainted like he thought he was.

 

He's not the same since that night weeks ago.

 

Abuse does that to people? Can he be broken so intensely he no longer feels bothered by the pain?

It’s a possibility.

He’s been staring himself in the mirror when he notices Hongbin sitting on his bed with corner of his eyes. He’s fully dressed, in black as per usual. Lighting a cigarette between his fingers. “Scared?”

He has to _stop_ asking that.

Silence passes, Hongbin rises from the bed and walks quietly to Taekwoon, still standing with his half open shirt, a cloud of smoke leaving him through his nose. “A shame the marks I made are vanishing…” he reaches his hand and watches as Taekwoon steps back, he inhales another long drag, eyes closed. “Are we back to this stage?… I don’t mind chasing you down again. You know I like when you make me actually _try_ to get what I want.” his voice sounds a little strained as he exhales the smoke directly into Taekwoon’s face.

The action angers him more than his words, and this is a little problematic in itself.

“And what do you want, _sir_?” Hongbin looks at him a little amusedly, having the face to look genuinely hurt, with his big eyes and long eyelashes making him seem so very miserable Taekwoon feels anger pooling inside himself because he knows it would work on anyone else. With him though, it’s just a mockery.

The remnants of smoke leave his lungs when he speaks this time. “I was so happy with you calling me _Hongbinnie_ … So pleased hearing the _need_ in your voice.” he plays with the pendant around Taekwoon’s neck, smiling sweetly at him, eyes crinkling, dimples showing. “What I want?” he looks up, eyes meeting Taekwoon’s as his face resumes to their usual sardonic features. “I want you to sing for me with that beautiful voice of your, sprawled on my red sheets… Everyday… I want you to offer me your body, your blood, your air. I want you to breathe me in, and I want it to _hurt_.” His hand hits the wall too hard, Taekwoon winces at the sound of the mirror cracking and crumbling, and then the pain of Hongbin pressing the stub of his still lit cigarette back at his collarbones, the skin sizzling as the amber and cinders are pressed hard and twisted into flesh.

It burns…

Hongbin is bleeding…

He reaches his bleeding hand to slide it delicately across Taekwoon’s face, painting it red. “It hurts right?” he smiles softly as the red oozes from the cuts and drips onto the floor.  Blood drips onto Taekwoon’s shirt and he is frozen in place as Hongbin’s hand caresses his face, his blood is just as feverish as the rest of him. “I love you…” he breaths out, voice too soft, pressing his bloody finger on the tip of Taekwoon’s tongue and then retreating, walking out as a trail of red slides after him.

The burn subsided, giving way to the taste of iron on his mouth…

_Hongbin’s blood..._

Taekwoon needs to wash his face on the bathroom, his hands cold, but he’s not as shocked as he thought he would be. And that’s even more scary than the shaky knees and the tears. He has to change his shirt…

They are already late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate this chapter so much I don't even know what to make of him so I'll hate him less.  
> Have it anyway


	4. Cut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: TW: Blood

He hates parties.

He hates been stuck with Hongbin and his bright smiles.

The food is ok, but it’s too small, and so are the drinks.

Rich people’s world is made of big expectations and small food, and that’s just frustrating. If that is not enough for a night, Hongbin has his hands on the small of his back most of the time and people just don’t stop _talking_ because Hongbin’s face is just too approachable and inviting and he makes people too at ease when he smiles and he can smile for _hours_.

He turns to Hongbin to whisper in his ears, and Hongbin makes an attentive face that makes Taekwoon just so _frustrated_ because it’s convincing and it just shouldn’t be.. “I’m going to the bathroom, ok? I’ll be right back.” He says in a quiet voice and Hongbin nods back at him, caressing his arm gently as he walks off.

He gets four more flutes of champagne on his way to the bathroom and unceremoniously closes the door, leaning against the sink with something similar to discomfort or maybe hunger, sitting in the pit of his stomach. There is a guy holding towels and some peppermints individually packaged standing on the corner.

Hongbin stalks in as Taekwoon is draining the third flute of champagne,  briefly looking at the man standing on the corner and muttering a very assertive _leave_ that has the man faltering for a second. Another look and he is walking out, bowing politely and closing the door behind himself.

The second he is out is the second Hongbin leans a bit too close into Taekwoon’s personal space, and Taekwoon has to brace himself against the sink as a way not to fall.

“Hongbin?” he has to ask, as Hongbin is not moving, nor doing anything other than lay against his neck, such a stark contrast to earlier today. Hongbin inhales deeply and then hums softly. “What are you doing?”

“I like your smell.” Hongbin is heavy, and is doing almost no effort in keeping himself up, Taekwoon has to actually support him with one of his arms, action to which Hongbin hums appreciatively, still not moving much.

Taekwoon is a little more concerned at that. Is he high? Is he drunk? “Hongbin are you ok? Are you feeling ill?” Hongbin does this annoyed noise and slaps one hand over Taekwoon’s mouth, shushing him back into silence.

“There's this guy at the party… His _daughter_ is with him… Or maybe it's his wifeI don't know. She keeps looking at me as I talk to the man... he has insinuated that I should maybe exchange her _enjoyable_ company for a minor favor.” Hongbin keeps poking the general area of the cigarette burn, not seeing it through Taekwoon's shirt.

Taekwoon swallows dryly, it doesn't hurt as much as before. He does not mind the action as much as he should. “That doesn't explain why you're here…” Hongbin is little taller than him, younger than him, and leaner than him, he's all hard muscle and soft skin, he is also insane. Very much so.

“I love you.” Hongbin's hair tickles his neck, but Taekwoon was never one to complain about trivialities anyway.  Hongbin is backing away, holding Taekwoon’s face between his fingers, smiling at him like he meant it. “My dear precious hyung... I’ll think about you as I fuck her ok?” His clothes rustle as he bends over to kiss the corner of Taekwoon’s mouth, his cheek and his nose, his eyelids. “Like I always do…”

Hongbin has a knife in his hand, and in a second he is cutting through the recently healed skin of Taekwoon's hand, making him wince and try to push his hand away, the cut is now a lot larger than intended.

Hongbin makes a small sound. “Look what you made me do! This was meant to be just a small cut, now look at all this blood.” He sighs, as if reprimanding a small child, watching as the blood oozes idly from the cut on Taekwoon's hand, sparing a glance at his startled eyes. “No, don't worry. It’ll be ok, I'll take care of this.”

It doesn't come as a surprise when he bends over to softly lick at the wound, kiss it softly over and over again. Hongbin likes blood, he always did. Taekwoon hisses, it stings, even if Hongbin's tongue is hot and wet, it does nothing to soothe the pain. “I’m starting to get lightheaded…” he hears Hongbin whispering against his palm, ghosting his warm breath against open flesh, inhaling sharply and then backing off with his eyes closed, licking his lips. “Let's stop this here.” he hands his handkerchief for Taekwoon to press onto his cut, a smile so bright he almost looks like a good person.

Too bad he isn't.

A long but chaste kiss has Taekwoon tasting iron, and then Hongbin is going away. Leaving him bleeding _again_ in favour of some sex deal.

Taekwoon wishes he could care, but he is so easily resigned there is no real bite in his sigh, only quiet acceptance. His hand stings, if anything, it doesn’t hurt as much as it itches, he finds himself scraping his nails over the wounded area just to hiss and regret doing it. _Fuck_.

He fishes his cellphone with his good hand and fists the handkerchief with the other. “Wonshik-ah… I need a ride home.”

 

**~×~**

 

“So… will you tell me why you’re bleeding?” Taekwoon turns to look at the man beside him for the first time since he entered the vehicle. He is not mad, he is mildly tired, and the blood dried up and glued the offending piece of fabric Hongbin offered previously to his wounded hand, he is a little angry about that.

Wonshik is still waiting for an answer, even if he is not looking directly to Taekwoon, hands on the wheel. “Hongbin.” It's all the answer Taekwoon feels like giving at the moment. Wonshik hums in mild acknowledgement, it's something Hongbin would do, no questions asked.

“Did you enjoy the party?” His smile is gentle, Taekwoon quirks an eyebrow at that. Maybe they have different opinions on what makes a good party. “Don't look at me like that, you don't look all that bothered about the cut.” Taekwoon clicks his tongue, he reserves himself the right to not answer to that question in anyway. Wonshik chuckles lightly. “Are you hungry? I know rich people's food is like too fucking small.”

This time Taekwoon turns to him in mild agreement. It is small indeed. Wonshik pats his shoulder amicably. “Great! Let's go then. I know a nice place, they don't ask questions.” He may have a funny definition of what's _a nice place_ but… He’s already bleeding, it can't get much worse.

“...Is that a gun, Wonshik-ah?” He narrows his eyes as Wonshik looks under his arm following Taekwoon’s gaze with something similar to confusion. “Hm? Oh, yeah.” Wonshik doesn't even try to justify, only nods distractedly, looking back at the road.

There is not enough mental strength to protest, he falls quiet once again, rests his head against the window. Let them do whatever they want, it's none of his business… he just want to eat something and go to sleep. Wonshik, always accommodating, doesn't ask, and the silence that follows is only disturbed by Wonshik's low hum as he drives them to the place he mentioned.

They park not long after Taekwoon decides he may take a nap like this. Then there is Wonshik's hand on his thigh pulling his back to consciousness. He hears something similar to _hyung we're here_ and the sound of the door opening. Wonshik is out of the car and he follows him soon enough.

Wonshik hands some guy dressed in red the keys and goes inside, the man on the front shoots them both a set of pre-made smiles.

“Good evening Master Kim. Table for two?” Wonshik nods, looking briefly at his phone. The man continues to speak even if Wonshik is not all that interested in him. “Usual place?”

The pleasantries end and the man is guiding them both inside personally, Taekwoon stifles a yawn and Wonshik giggles at him. They sit in silence in a table by the corner, in a dimly lit booth with soft leather chairs. Wonshik orders the food swiftly  and Taekwoon considers sleeping on the table, the tablecloth is all too soft anyway. “I hope you enjoy red wine.” Wonshik smiles again and Taekwoon has to focus on him to process what he just said, time to rub sleep off his eyes and wake up.

“Trying to get me drunk, Mr.Kim?” He mumbles in the midst of the last yawn he promised himself to utter for the rest of the night.  He opens his eyes to see Wonshik staring at him a little wide eyed. “I’m joking…” Wonshik relaxes visibly.

“Sorry… I’m not used to you making jokes.” He admits, albeit a little embarrassed. Taekwoon waves it off, not looking at him, poking the handkerchief still stuck to his skin. He rips it off, it will start bleeding again, he leaves it there, he’ll have to maneuver it around the utensils to eat.  

One tired sigh. The wine comes, they set the cups of water beside the recently filled glasses of expensive red wine. Taekwoon ungracefully empties the contents of one of them and extends the glass for the waitress to fill again, resting his head dejectedly on his arm. He hears Wonshik laughing but does not look, looking at the door instead, watching as a group of five or six more man steps inside, laughing loudly. One of them is carrying neat bouquet of red roses in his hands. Taekwoon wonders if he's getting married or got promoted or something congratulatory along those lines. Wonshik makes a noise and he turns his head to stare at him. “What?”

“Hongbin hates this guy. We're lucky he's not here, it would be a mess... I don't recognize anyone with him though, that's new.” Wonshik is carefully sipping on his wine, But Taekwoon can see by the way he crosses him legs that he is paying attention. Wonshik is a man of habits after all.

Taekwoon looks back at the man again. He and Hongbin look similar in age. The same flower boy traces, even if Hongbin is a little more refined and natural in that. “Who is him?”

“His name is Gongchan. He's from across the river, and he shouldn't be here.”

 

**~×~**

Wonshik is quick to get his phone, dialing 1 and waiting for a few beats as Taekwoon empties his glass again and reaches for the bottle. Let's make things easier. The only reason that keeps him from taking a swing directly from the bottle is consideration that maybe Wonshik would be bothered by his spit, even if that seems a little bit unreal at this point… At least like this he can blame his blush on the alcohol.

That calls for more wine. “Hey, Hongbin-ah! Having fun?” he leaves the phone over the table, puts it on the speakers and Hongbin slightly breathless voice comes to answer soon enough.

“No. Not really.You need me?” The sound of clothes rustling, maybe sheets fill in the line, he may be sitting up, maybe getting dressed, a woman's voice comes from  somewhere, muffled and a little cautious. They hear Hongbin clicking his tongue, muttering a quiet _shut it_ , followed by an equally quiet _leave_. Taekwoon knows they went to her house, or he would have taken a ride home with him anyway. Is he telling her to leave her own room? Her own house?

Probably.

“Chanshik is here.” Wonshik leans back in his chair and the line goes silent. If Hongbin is quiet… “He has red roses.”

Taekwoon can't stop moving his legs, can't stop twirling the glass between his fingers. Hongbin seldom gets angry enough to be quiet. It's hard to breathe. “What should I do?" Wonshik is waiting.

“Is Sunwoo there?” There. The strain on Hongbin's voice that shows he is one breath away from ordering torture and heads on their doorstep.

Good thing Taekwoon is already drinking. “No.” Wonshik answers quietly, raising his chin a bit to look at their table, but no, Baro’s not there.

“Then do what you must.” The line goes dead. Now what?

Wonshik finally reaches for his glass again and takes a measured sip. He smiles down at Taekwoon’s dazed expression. So much for a proper dinner…

“It’ll all be over soon.” Wonshik whispers, observing as Taekwoon numbly dips his index finger in the neglected cup of water, dripping it down at the small stained handkerchief, intending to melt down the dried blood and free his wounded hand, as well as busy himself from the occurrences that will certainly transpire.

He keeps looking down at his hand, even as Wonshik rises from his seat, even when the sound of chairs scraping along the marble floor startle those on nearby tables, even when a shot is fired. He numbly keeps dripping water on his hand. Still resting his head on his arm, lying uselessly on top of the table, staring at the condensation fogging the cup’s surface.

People screaming, crying, suffering, dying, the sound of guns, glass shattering. The sound of Sanghyuk's voice soon joins in, then Jaehwan's. Is that Gongchan guy alive still? There's gunpowder in the air, Taekwoon closes his eyes.

_It'll all be over soon…_

Two more shots, it’s done. Chanshik is gone, they never got him, there is only silence. Sanghyuk is saying something about Chanshik escaping, Taekwoon doesn't want to look, he'll close his eyes and wait for it to be done.

He feels numb.

He feels drunk.

Someone is talking to Wonshik, maybe that same man that guided them at the door.

Taekwoon yawns.

The night is over.

He just noticed…

Wonshik is right, he doesn't care about the cut.

He doesn't care at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in which you all notice Hongbin has some issues with blood


	5. In the Dark

Wonshik knocks on the door when he starts to get worried about Taekwoon’s health.

It takes a while.

Taekwoon made himself scarce and rarely took part on any activities around the house. That including dinner, breakfast, meetings and any work that could be done from inside his room.

He leaves all the complete paperwork on a chair, right outside his door and leaves his room only for most essential activities, like getting something to eat in the middle of the night.

In time, Sanghyuk starts bringing his dinner to his door and leaving it there just so he will stop messing around his kitchen when he isn't there.

Tonight Wonshik used his most recent injuries as an excuse to knock of Taekwoon's door and ask for him to patch him up, hopefully even start a conversation. “Hyung, can I come in? I'm bleeding on the floor.”  

He hears the sound of steps, and then the door unlocking. Wonshik cannot tell when Taekwoon started locking the door, but it's a recent occurrence.

“What happened this time?” he swings the door open and Wonshik is a little thrown off about how disheveled he looks.

As far as Wonshik knows Taekwoon has no casual clothes, his wardrobe filled only with his neatly pressed shirts and pants. Right now though, even if Taekwoon is, by all means, in formal wear as well, his sleeves are rolled up, the first few buttons are open and his hair is a mess, falling over his eyes in a way that makes him constantly flinch his head back to take the fringe off his face.

He looks gorgeous.

Great thing he was the one to find him and not the others. “Um, yeah I… well things happened and I got stabbed… or almost stabbed. It's just an ugly bruise really.” Taekwoon's eyes fall over the sloppy mess on Wonshik's hip, red and wet.Wonshik is soaked.

The reason why remained unsaid. It’s not raining and they live far away from any significant body of water.

They don't even have a pool. Hongbin dislikes pools in a very particular way.

He won't ask. “Come in.”

Wonshik steps inside just to carefully gauge at Taekwoon reaction. He looks very tired, and when Wonshik stops to quietly eye him and wait for him to step back a little more so he can pass, he doesn't. He mildly spares Wonshik a glance that says he won't move an inch more and if he wants to enter he will have to deal with the space he already has.

Wonshik apologizes for brushing his arm into Taekwoon's as he enters. Taekwoon hums in agreement but it sound so breathless. “Go to the bathroom and take this shirt off, you'll freeze like this.”

Taekwoon's eyes are swollen, the dark circles under them making it very clear that he's not sleeping properly. It’s the first time they saw each other after that night on the restaurant. Wonshik is wondering if those things are somehow related. He will do as he was told and step inside the bathroom to discard his soaked light blue shirt on the floor and sit down on the toilet seat to wait, feeling the wound strain and pull like he could be ripped apart. It's not a very deep cut, but maybe he'll need some stitches?

Taekwoon enters shortly after, leaving the first aid kit on the sink and getting some things to clean that horrendous cut on Wonshik's side. “Problems sleeping, hyung?” Taekwoon looks at him then, nodding slowly but offering no further information on the subject.

He has nothing to say. Not about the nightmares, nor about the hallucinations he sometimes thinks he has, but it could just be part of some nightmare he didn't realize to be having. They got worse recently.

“What happened to you?” Wonshik has to sigh before answering, it's clear that he doesn't want to talk about it, but at least Taekwoon is talking and that's already something.

Taekwoon kneels in front of him and crawls between his thighs, setting the first aid kit on the floor next to him. Wonshik says nothing about that. “Hongbin told me to do a few things.” It's vague enough for Taekwoon to know he won't be saying more than that, and he gets the cotton ball and the antiseptic before Wonshik has the chance to ask him why he is so distant from them all.

He doesn't feel like talking about any of that.

“Is Hongbin alright?” He starts dabbing the cotton on the wound, just to hear the sound of Wonshik hissing, his chest expanding from the intake of breath collected between gritted teeth.

He relaxes after a few seconds though. “He's okay. A little worried, but okay… Easy on the wound, hyung… It hurts like a bitch.” Taekwoon hums noncommittally at all he just said, he is trying to be gentle but it's open flesh and he is no doctor. He has limitations.

Wonshik falls quiet after that, eyes closed with Taekwoon between his thighs trying to clean the wound and make it stop bleeding completely. “Maybe you should see the doct-”

“No.” Wonshik's voice is very final, and Taekwoon just falls quiet again. Wonshik can do whatever he wants to anyway.

They always do.

All of them.

“Sorry.” Taekwoon looks up as he hears Wonshik saying that. He is not used to apologies... Not anymore, at least. “Didn't mean to say it like that.”

Taekwoon just nods, unfazed. He doesn't care. It's hard for him to care about anything these days. He is just always cold.

Maybe his body is trying to make itself good for Hongbin. He's always warm anyway.

“Could you maybe do some stitches, hyung? I think two or three will do the trick.” Taekwoon is in the middle of saying that he has no tools to stitch people or even the proficiency to do so in the first place when Wonshik shoves a small box into his hands. “I think it has everything you need inside this.”

Taekwoon blinks patiently at him. “Wonshik-ah… I don't know how to do this. What if I do it wrong? What if it gets infected or something bad like this?” Wonshik chuckles and winces at the same time.

“You’re too good, hyung.” He pets Taekwoon's head, his hair feels really soft, and Wonshik smiles. Taekwoon is too kind for this place. “Have it in mind that I kill people, maybe you'll stop worrying about me.” Taekwoon's expression closes and he slaps Wonshik's hand off his hair. They stare at each other like this, for a few painful seconds.

Taekwoon is the first to speak. And even if he is still kneeling on the floor, his voice is commanding enough for that fact to be completely forgotten. “You really believe I think about anything else?” _Anything other than the fact that I live with murderers? Other than the fact that it doesn't bother me as much as before?_

Wonshik falls silent after that. He let his evil show too much, now Taekwoon is angry. “Sorry, hyung. I didn't meant to-” Taekwoon stops him and rolls his eyes.

“Stop. I won't run ok? I can't go back to the person I  was… I’m already broken.” Taekwoon does not sound sad. He doesn't sound regretful or angry. He sounds like complete resignation.  “Why you hate doctors so much?”

“I don't hate them... I don't trust them.” He watches as Taekwoon gets closer, needle in hand, hovering over the wound with a calm expression on his face. His body feels very warm against Wonshik's still damp one, it's pleasant. Wonshik thinks maybe he should ask about the fact that Taekwoon just called himself "broken".

The needle piercing his skin makes him forget about that... He wishes for a brief second take he could be filled with only disconfort and pain but...

He isn't, and he hisses for the second time in the last few minutes, closing his eyes briefly. That until Taekwoon's voice drag him back to this moment in time. “You like pain. Don't you?”

Then his eyes snap open and he looks down at Taekwoon with the needle still in hand, doing a very messy job at stitching him up. Wonshik doesn't answer and Taekwoon doesn't ask again.

In fact no one says nothing else and the only sounds are Wonshik's eventual groans at the needle piercing his already bruised flesh.

It's over too fast.

Taekwoon gives back his soaked shirt, and having no other reason to stay he leaves. Stopping in the hallway to look at the angry patch of red skin on his torso, grazing his fingers over the recently done stitches...

Exhaling one shaky breath...

He'll have this feeling to keep him company at night for a few weeks now.

He is not complaining.

 

**~×~**

 

Wonshik’s visit just confirmed what he thought.

He doesn't care anymore.

About the blood.

About the murder.

About the smell of death lingering on all of them.

He wants a drink.

He goes downstairs and enters the kitchen, fingers sliding through dark locks as he pushes his messy hair back and squints to find the light switch. He doesn't, instead he hears the door being swung open and steps in the dark... he doesn’t have to see to know Hongbin came back, his smell too particular and familiar to be mistaken for any other.

But he doesn't turn, he lets Hongbin's arms envelop him from behind and Hongbin's breath ghost against his ear. “You finally left your room…”

Warm, always so very warm… He leans back and watches as Hongbin shifts to hold him steady, he smells like iron and perfume. Using those black leather gloves he uses when he goes out at night.

Taekwoon says nothing, he doesn't feel like he has to. “Are you avoiding me? Are you with someone else?” Hongbin's hold tightens and it hurts a bit, it's harder to breathe but it's fine because Hongbin is warm and all he can feel is coldness.

He needs this warmth to survive.

“What if I am?” He asks, hand reaching for Hongbin's neck as he twists his face to kiss him in this weird angle they are in. He was right, kissing Hongbin helped with the cold.

Like that Hongbin is turning him and pulling him back against him, touching his face. It feels nice.

It keeps the thoughts, the sadness, the cold, everything away.

There is only darkness in Hongbin's gaze. “Then I would have to kill them.” He noses at Taekwoon’s neck, so warm, so soft. “Do I need to kill someone? Who do I need to kill for your eyes to be mine alone?” Taekwoon smiles at that, he is so childish. So selfish...

He still wants a drink though. “Would you have a drink with me, Hongbin-ah?” He needs Hongbin's warmth, he feels nice, even if his love is a lie.

It's a lie, isn't it?

Hongbin smiles against his neck. “Of course… You aren't scared of me anymore? You feel so soft in my arms, you never felt this pliant before.” Taekwoon is pressed closer before being released, and Hongbin walks with ease in the darkness as Taekwoon touches his way to the couch. Hongbin continues to talk after a moment of silence. “I was so worried once you locked yourself in your room. I thought you wouldn't see me anymore, thought you hated me.” Taekwoon only locked the door to keep the monsters out... Until he realized the monsters outside were the least of his problems.

Now he wants the monsters close, so he can tame the monster _within._ “What would you do, if I refused to see you and hated you forever?” He asked, partially laying down on the couch, partially sitting. Ultimately he ended up taking the entire space.

Hongbin's voice sounded from somewhere in the darkness. “I would kill you myself and then set this house on fire.”

It was a little surprising that instead of dread pooling inside, Taekwoon felt oddly important. That was even scarier than Hongbin himself. “Would you?”

Hongbin was on him again, knees brushing up between his legs and pressing a bottle into his hands. His scarf sliding up Taekwoon’s chest as he crawled up to be face to face with the man he loved so very dearly. “Of course I would. I love you. I would do anything for you.” He caresses Taekwoon's face with his still gloved hand, his thumb sliding effortlessly over skin. “Even kill you... If you broke my heart.”

Taekwoon can't bring himself to be surprised or afraid, he is only glad Hongbin's warmth returned. “You are so selfish.” Hongbin laughs heartly at that, like he was just talking about a funny occurrence and not a death threat.

“Only because I love you. You are my only weakness.” He bends down to kiss his throat and Taekwoon moves his head to offer him more skin, opening the bottle to take one long swing that doesn't burn just as much as before. If Hongbin wants him, who is him to stop anything? Hongbin always gets everything he wants after all...

Taekwoon is happy to be so important, he only wishes his head would stop _hurting_.

He presses closer to Hongbin and hopes it'll all stop.

Hongbin kisses him lightly until he falls asleep to a dreamless slumber.

Considering his nightmares, the darkness behind his eyelids is truly a blessing tonight.

Even his nightmares are afraid of Hongbin.

He can find comfort in that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapter on one day /o/  
> Ok, thank you for all of your who read this story and leave me comments, you are very precious <3


	6. Love

He wakes in the middle of the night, alone in his room, covered by Hongbin’s coat.

Insane little monster… So gentle, so violent…

Where is Hongbin now? The sky is too dark, there's no moon or stars, only clouds and the occasional sound of thunders rolling somewhere far away.

His own room is too quiet, he wants company.

He came to feel at ease at night, the house is quiet and normally everyone is either sleeping or out in the streets. The only ones that stay awake are the security members and the night staff that lurks in small rooms downstairs in the basement.

Aside from them there is Wonshik, who stays out drinking with the rest of the gang members and causing some trouble in the city.

And there is Hongbin who stays home and deals with the paper work Hakyeon and Taekwoon leave for him to sign and evaluate.

Taekwoon sometimes wonders if Hongbin ever sleeps. He certainly never witnessed Hongbin sleeping. Maybe he should ask one of his previous one night stands if they ever saw Hongbin sleeping before.

His wanderings take him to Hongbin's office, which is not surprising considering he was just thinking about him. There is light filtering from under the door. Should he go inside?

Why not? He's already here.

It's funny how he came to this... Looking for Hongbin in the middle of the night because he wants to talk. And something inside his head (something that sounds awfully like Jaehwan) is telling him that maybe Hongbin’s distorted mind can help him find his own peace. Maybe Hongbin is the only one who truly loves him for what he is, no matter how rotten he may become on the inside.

Because Hongbin is worse than that.

That is tranquilizing, in a sense...

Knowing that he can become whatever and Hongbin will still think about him with love.

It’s comforting.

He pushes the door open and squints his eyes at the bright  lights, finding Hongbin with a stack of papers in his hands and a glass of vodka in the other. “Hi.” That's the best thing he can come up with, but Hongbin doesn't seem to mind.

Instead he smiles at him, leaving the glass and the papers on the table. “Come here.”

Now in Hongbin's presence, his brain can do what it usually does and shut down, leaving Hongbin to deal with the both of them. It's like this that he walks to Hongbin's table, where he sits and waits. Hongbin touches his face, warm as always, pulling him by the neck to sit on his lap, he stumbles and almost falls but Hongbin manages to get them where he wants.

He plays with the necklace around Taekwoon's neck with a small smile, looking at him with the same kind of blind adoration he always sports. “Do you want to hear a secret?” He asks and Taekwoon nods because he is only partially paying attention and agreeing is his default behavior.  “I always wondered when would you come to me willingly like this… I fantasized about it many times before.”

“I wanted to talk…” Hongbin looks so happy, it's unusual to see this many emotions on his face.

Hongbin nods gently, as if talking to a small child. “Yeah. Let's talk.” He chuckles happily at that, fingers playing across Taekwoon’s neck, with the buttons of his shirt.

Taekwoon accepts him completely, he feels no repulsion at all, only a feeling similar to numbness. “Are you having problems with Gongchan?” Hongbin looks too content to be bothered by the man's name, but he sighs tiredly.

“I am. I had Wonshik to make a deal with Sunwoo, but he is not walking with Chanshik for some reason. If I ever see him on my side of the river again, I’ll bring them hell. _Someone_ has to pay.” Maybe because his voice became too cold, Taekwoon is fast to wrap his arms around Hongbin's neck and cradle him against his chest, fingers tangled into his hair to make Hongbin warm again.

He didn't come here to feel cold.

But the cold lasts only a second, Hongbin easily unwounds in Taekwoon's arms, even if his arms are holding too tightly on Taekwoon's back, he is still all warmth.

“It's ok, Hongbinnie… We will handle this situation.” He feels Hongbin shifting at that, hands sliding down to wander under his shirt, searing hot hands making way over chilled skin. It's a welcomed sensation even if there is something in the back of his head telling him he should stop now, he is soon to quiet those voices. Hongbin hums against his throat, one hand clawing at his thigh to pull him closer. “I love when you call me Hongbinnie...” Taekwoon arches easily under Hongbin's touch, he knows he likes the petnames.

He's starting to understand what Wonshik said about him being a sensitive soul.

Maybe he is just becoming insane like them.

Yeah… that's more like it.

He has to smile at that, at his reflexion in Hongbin's window.

He doesn't care. It doesn't hurt anymore.

So when he reaches for Hongbin's arms and takes them off his body and skin, he sees Hongbin looking almost hurt for a single moment, something between anger and betrayal. Taekwoon has to soothe him with small kisses on his nose, forehead, the corner of his mouth. “No. Let me take care of you…” he smiles briefly and Hongbin looks at him almost curiously.

His hand reaches for the invisible button of Hongbin's black pants, sliding his cold finger along heated skin and inside his underwear.

He was going to get to his knees, but Hongbin held him tightly in place, fingers digging into the flesh of his hips and whispering a very assertive _no_ that almost made Taekwoon stop completely until Hongbin's expression melted into a smile. “I want to look at you as you jerk me off.” His hand now caressing the skin he just bruised, the sting of fingers into his hips being soothed by gentle warmth. Taekwoon just nodded.

If that's what Hongbin wants…

Fingers curl gingerly around flesh, and Taekwoon hears Hongbin gasp and curse, his hands are too cold, he knows that, but Hongbin is encouragingly touching his neck, so he moves his hand and flicks his wrist and Hongbin hisses as if burned.

It's unusual, it's strangely suffocating. So he is the one to close his eyes and not Hongbin, and Hongbin is the one to breathlessly demand for him to look at him and so he does, albeit a little shyly.

He moves his wrist again and watches. Hongbin heavily pulls their lips together, not really kissing, but only touching eventually because Hongbin keeps gasping, panting, moaning. Hongbin is not one for discretion.

His nails keep digging into Taekwoon's neck and shoulders as he gets closer from the edge, and Taekwoon watches him carefully the entire time, moving his hand in a calculated, but very messy, pace. Even if there are red crescents being branded on his skin and Hongbin probably didn't even notice them. He knows by now Hongbin would probably be shamelessly pushing back, thrusting into Taekwoon’s hand... but he can't.

Taekwoon is still sitting on him and he can't move, but he doesn't complain.

He falls from his high with one breathless whisper of Taekwoon's name and a bite on Taekwoon's lower lip strong enough to draw blood.

Taekwoon doesn't mind, only waits.

Hongbin pulls him down to a constricting hug a few seconds later, panting hard on Taekwoon's ears as the mentioned thinks how hot Hongbin's cum feels against his palm. “I love you, hyung.” He hears Hongbin breathing heavily against the shell of his ear.

“I love you too, Hongbinnie.” Hongbin is laughing then, a sound so rich and light Taekwoon finds himself at loss for a few moments.

He feels very sleepy.

It’s fine… he doesn't have to be sane in here. He can just be locked out in this darkness with Hongbin, it doesn't matter.

 


	7. Ruthless

Hongbin wants him to move into his room, Taekwoon said he'll think about it.

Today he has work to do, he goes to the company and asks the secretary where Hakyeon is.

She informs him Mr.Cha is at his office now, having a meeting with a Mr.Jung.

Taekwoon is a Mr.Jung himself and so he is going to the elevator, ignoring the secretary and telling the security that if he dares to touch him they will meet in court for aggression.

No one says anything else and Taekwoon pushes the 10th floor.

As expected, Hakyeon leaves his door open, and even if the security is a different man this time and doesn't know who Taekwoon is,  he says nothing when Hakyeon fixes him a glance that states very clearly how strongly he recommends him to not touch Taekwoon in any way.

So the security only bows respectfully and Hakyeon is smiling at the door as Taekwoon steps inside. “Taekwoonnie! Have I ever introduced you to Mr.Jung Jinyoung?” By the look on Jinyoung’s face, Hakyeon had just interrupted him as he spoke.

Taekwoon bows politely and Jinyoung offers him a brief nod. “A pleasure, Jinyoung-ssi.” Taekwoon bends in to whisper something in Hakyeon's ears, as Hakyeon smiles attentively and rests his hand on top of Taekwoon's own.

Hakyeon is unnecessarily touchy, but those past week working with Hakyeon in this case made him notice that he is every ounce of a manipulative bastard as he is warm and welcoming. He does this to everyone.

Taekwoon finds him oddly likeable says nothing else at his pushiness, leaving Hakyeon to do most of the talking as he only whispers things now and then. Things Hakyeon is always fast to praise him for. With time, he finds Hakyeon actually likes him a lot.

Maybe because they are closer in age, but Taekwoon doesn't know about that. He mostly only listens. Hakyeon must enjoy the sound of his own voice.

“As I was saying, N-ssi… I can't say anything about the incident weeks ago, but please rest assured that Sunwoo and I had no idea of these events. I was out of town with Dongwoo and Sunwoo was away dealing with some… situations back at the cost.” Jinyoung taps carefully at the table with the tip of his fingers, eyeing the small imprint of nails slowly fading in Taekwoon's neck.

Taekwoon holds his gaze, almost tilting his head to the side to offer him a better view and a mockery at the same time. He did not like this Jinyoung guy.

Hakyeon, always perceptive,  offers a bright smile to Jinyoung from across the table. “Oh, but of course Jinyoung-ssi! If you had any involvement in this case we would be forced to consider the incident a mockery and invalidate the terms of our deal… and start doing business on _your_ side of the river in the middle of the night without previous notice.” Hakyeon is leaning back on his chair. Taekwoon lowers his head to bite back a snicker, stepping back to lean against the back wall. “And shady business is not really our thing, is it Jinyoung-ssi?” Jinyoung narrows his eyes but says nothing. “I do trust your ability to find and fix the issues on your personal staff… Hongbin certainly believes in a solution that is good for both our families… Don't you agree?” Jinyoung nods carefully, tilting his head to the side to stare Hakyeon right in the eye and mimic his smile.

Jinyoung voice sounds like a warning when he speaks again. “Of course I do. I always prefer a diplomatic solution because you see, my family does not react well to threats we… Tend to aim where it hurts.” His eyes fall on Taekwoon for only a few seconds. And Hakyeon makes a disgusted sound lowly enough for only Taekwoon to hear.

“That would make the two of us…” Hakyeon spins his pen over the glass table. “I'm glad we had this conversation Jinyoung-ssi… Now I'm sure we really think alike.”

Jinyoung rises from his chair, closing the last button of his suit once again. Nodding delicately to Hakyeon as he makes his way towards the door.

“Oh, and please, send my regards to Shinwoo.” The falter in Jinyoung’s step is almost imperceptible, but it's enough to make Hakyeon smirk down at his pen.

Taekwoon follows Jinyoung with his eyes until the elevator door closes behind him.

“You’re ruthless.” Taekwoon comments, watching as Hakyeon spins in his chair to face him with a bright smile.

“Aw, thank you Taekwoonnie! What do you need?” he smiles and Taekwoon sits on the table.

Taekwoon shakes his head. “Nothing. I came to give you the details on our last transaction. My annotations are the ones in red, I know you prefer that I use a different color from the rest of the department.” He slides the folder over the table, leaving it in front of Hakyeon so he can read it later.

Again, Hakyeon offers him a bright smile. “Thank you, Taekwoonnie. Your opinion is the only one I actually read.” He takes the folder in his hands and Taekwoon nods.

Hakyeon is like water, he changes easily and it's hard to contain or control. Taekwoon can only sit and watch as he destroys everything in his way.

Hakyeon would not hesitate to drag this entire city to hell for the sake of this company, this house.

Taekwoon thinks this is what family must be like.

It's endearing and a little scary.

Much like Hakyeon himself.

Talking about scary, he agreed to have lunch together with Hongbin today, and he’s late. He bids Hakyeon good bye as he walks.

Jaehwan is by the door down at the lobby, kicking the secretary desk absent mindedly, messing around with her pens as she warns Hakyeon of his arrival.

The black car outside tells him Jaehwan and Hakyeon will go out for interrogation, and he mildly wonders if there is someone in the trunk. Probably not, this kind of things don't work like in the TV. The informant was probably taken in a much more inconspicuous car.

A frigorific truck, for example.

It's good to _set the nerves on edge_ as Jaehwan had tell him once. “Hyung! Hello!” Jaehwan smiles broadly at him, he offers one small smile and wave on his way out but that's when all hell breaks loose.

He hears a shot and then some screaming, then Jaehwan is running up to him and he doesn't know why.

Hakyeon is downstairs too, frowning, there are arms around Taekwoon middle and he feels so very numb. Jaehwan is shouting his name before he looks down and sees red between his fingers.

He is starting to get used to the world shutting down on him like this.

Seconds later he is unconscious and Hakyeon is calling Hongbin to start a war, Jaehwan kneeling beside his unconscious body lying on the sidewalk, someone is calling an ambulance, probably the secretary.

His blood seeping and painting the streets that red color Hongbin loves so much.

It shall rain soon.

 

**~×~**

 

Hongbin enters the room sounding like the quiet before the storm, quiet calculated steps and shorts intake of breath.

Wonshik is sitting on the table with his face buried into his hand, Jaehwan in sitting in a corner biting his nails, Hakyeon standing next to him, facing Sanghyuk as he paces around. “Find.”

They all look at, there are two more man in the room and they look at Hongbin strained words like they just heard a death threat.

Wonshik is shaking, what they see in his eyes is the thunderstorm Hongbin is keeping _in_. “Give me the order.” The taste of failure hangs heavy in Wonshik's tongue. They shoot his protégée, the one he was supposed to guard. He wasn't even in town when it happened.

Hongbin looks at them all, sitting on his table, facing Wonshik carefully. “Do what you must. And bring me the ones who dared to touch what’s mine.”

Hakyeon is the first to leave, cell phone in hand, followed by Sanghyuk who is doing the same. The two other man leave the room with a very sad Jaehwan in tow, leaving Wonshik and Hongbin alone in the office.

Wonshik is slow to move, slow to rise from the chair and walk to the door, but quick to stop as Hongbin's voice calls him back. “Wonshik… _Someone_ will have to pay for this. Do you understand?”

And he nods because someone _will pay_. Even if it's clear on Hongbin's voice that this someone could be him in case he fails again.

 


	8. Medicine

Hongbin hates hospitals.

He hates the smell of hospitals.

But he’s here nonetheless, sitting beside Taekwoon’s bed as that god forsaken machine beeps weakly but insistently with the sound of Taekwoon’s unsteady pulse. He was shot twice, and Hakyeon looks down at him from where he stands. “You will hurt him Hongbin-ah...”

Hongbin looks down at his hand, clutching Taekwoon’s wrist so tightly the imprint of his ring stood even when he removed his hand from that cold skin. He looks at the angry marks of fingers and then to Taekwoon’s impassive sleeping face. “My precious hyung... I’m so sorry… I will bring you theirs eyes, ok? I’ll make them cry, ok?” He bends over to kiss Taekwoon’s temple softly, both his hands touching his hair, lightly, gently petting his hair away from his face. “I’ll make them _pay_ …. I’ll crush everything they hold dear, ok? Don’t worry… I’ll destroy this entire city for you.” Taekwoon does not move, nor react in anyway. Hongbin feels anger, strong and burning, building inside his entire existence.

They will all suffer.

But he smiles down at Taekwoon, he doesn’t want Taekwoon to worry about that… Not now, now he has a hunting to do. “Hakyeon… Call Sunwoo… If they have anything to do with this… paint our garden with their blood. And bring me Chanshik’s head, I’ll put it over our fireplace.”

Hakyeon is getting his phone, following Hongbin out of the room. “Tell Jaehwan to stay with him, and call Wonshik. You know what I want.”

Hakyeon is tapping away on his phone. “It will be done.” One last look in Taekwoon’s direction makes Hakyeon’s chest tighten.

_This city will pay for this._

 

**~+~**

 

The entire city has heard.

They heard about Hongbin’s anger.

Word on the street is: They shot Hongbin’s guy, and now the inner circle is talking about hushes threats. Hongbin retreated from any negotiations downtown, took his money from the market and closed his mansion’s door.

This side or the river is suffocating, and without this side of the river… The other in also crumbling down. There is no money to fuel business and Hongbin refuses to see any purposes until he has names.

He wants the people responsible for the incident and by his own words “ _this city may perish for all I care_.”

Not only his illegal business are suffering, but also the official ones, everything his business support and every single deal his money was involved in has been suspended until he has names. He doesn’t care. Not about the big business man from downtown, not about the small shopkeepers in violent neighborhoods with children to look after, not about the dealers with clients addiction to support, nor about the man he bribes to make this entire system work.

Everything can burn.

He won’t move a single finger until he has faces.

Everyone knows it’s a one in a lifetime opportunity, to get on Lee Hongbin’s good side.

You see, the man has no good side.

The entire city is bustling.

And Wonshik is angrier than usual.

“Let’s make a pause, Ravi-ya.” Sanghyuk says from behind him, Wonshik throws the knife he was holding to the wall, letting out one small grunt. “You will kill the man like this.”

Wonshik is walking out and slamming the door behind him as Sanghyuk serves them both something cold and strong and alcoholic. The man inside the room only weeps lowly, battered and bleeding. In all sincerity Wonshik doesn’t know if the blood on his knuckles is his or from the guy tied back behind the mirrored glass. He is too angry to enjoy anyway. “Aren’t you going to see Taekwoon-hyung? I heard Jaehwan saying he woke up.”

A low grunt. Grunting is all Wonshik has been down in these past few weeks. “I can’t. Not until I get the fucker who shot him, I can’t face him now.” He is stirring the ice cube inside his glass, the alcohol only fuels further his anger. But Sanghyuk is here, they both knows this man won’t come out alive.

“You and that honor of yours.” Sanghyuk mumbles inside the cup. Wonshik glares at him but says nothing, he has nothing to say, and grunting is getting really tiring by now.

The blood on his hands mixes with the water of the condensation on the glass. It drips pinkish water on the floor. “How’s Hongbin?” He asks absentmindedly. He and Hongbin didn’t spoke since the incident.

Sanghyuk is looking down at his own ice cube. “He only ever smiles when he’s with Taekwoon. I’m actually a little scared… You know how he gets when he is angry, he gets angrier every time he looks at Taekwoon, and he visits him every day.”

Wonshik can associate with that.

He knows exactly what Hongbin is feeling.

His feelings for Taekwoon are not the same, but he feels like he owns Taekwoon blood for his mistakes. For his failure…

In here everything is paid with blood.

And he will pay what he is due.

 

**~+~**

 

Taekwoon is sitting on his bed and Jaehwan is doing airplane noises because he just _has to_ feed him even though Taekwoon already stated he can _eat by himself_.

“Open wide~” Jaehwan is pointing the fork to his face, and Taekwoon sighs before opening his mouth. Jaehwan is very overbearing at times, but he keeps him company and he is very grateful for that.

Especially when he hallucinates or wakes with cold sweats in the middle of the night.

For that and the lack of a proper fight spirit, Taekwoon indulges Jaehwan in his ridiculous antics to feed him. Hongbin arrives not long after that, and Jaehwan smiles at him with the fork still inside Taekwoon’s mouth. “Hey! Hello Hongbunny.” Hongbin makes a face, tsking and pushing Jaehwan to the side. _Hongbunny?_

“You better never call me that again, I mean it.” Taekwoon giggles softly and Hongbin's head snaps in his direction. Expression softening lightly.

Taekwoon feels a bit dizzy from his medications and his giggles come loose and numb. “I think it's cute, Hongbunny…” Hongbin's smile only widens as he sits by Taekwoon’s bed, hands caressing his face lovingly.

Warm as always, but his shoes are stained with dirt and there is something on the corner of his nails. “How was your day, hyung?”

Taekwoon shrugs. The days are never a problem, the problems comes at night. “Fine.” Hongbin keeps petting him, touching him and smiling.

“Leave us, Jaehwan.” Jaehwan doesn't need to be told twice, he smiles and nods, leaving with a spring in his step Taekwoon never fully understood.

But again, Jaehwan is the most conventionally crazy of them all.

Hongbin is leaning against him in no time. “You don't smell like yourself…” Taekwoon only numbly allows Hongbin to lean against him and trace the contours of his shoulders, then down his chest and around the wound the bullet left behind, near his hipbone. “Wait only a little longer, hyung… This city will feel what happens when it disrespect what is mine.” He keeps kissing Taekwoon’s face softly, thumbs caressing his cheeks and lips.

Taekwoon feels light headed, and Hongbin brings a very familiar, very confusing kind of warmth with him. His medications make him confused sometimes, but Hongbin does not allow him to take anything that is not directly related to the gunshot wound.

It's ok though, Hongbin knows what is best for them. “I love you, Hongbinnie.” He mumbles in midst of his drug-induced calmness. Touching Hongbin's face in the best attempt at gentleness he can afford at the moment.

Hongbin smiles at him, so bright he almost forgets about the fact that he is a murderer and a criminal. “Won't you call me Hongbunny again?”

Taekwoon thinks all this is very funny, but that may be the medications speaking. “Hongbunny.” He bites back a chuckle and watches Hongbin as he leans down to kiss him, tasting like smoke and that strong whiskey brand he likes so very much.

He never understood why or how Hongbin came to love him, apparently it happened because Taekwoon is soft spoken and keeps most things to himself. Hongbin found him endearing and somehow that became love. Taekwoon is not one to ask about Hongbin's motives. He loves him too.

Hongbin is promising him blood and gore, fire and hell… Taekwoon thinks that's very romantic, to be willing to offer so many things to him.

Hongbin is a sensitive soul after all, he can see it clearly now. Wonshik was right. “I love you too, hyung… I miss you so much… everyday.”

It's been something like three days since he woke up, the doctors said he went into shock, and so he had to stay at the hospital until he stabilized.

He already feels stable, but they don't let him go.

If he was told somewhere in the future he would be holding Hongbin in his arms willingly, he would probably get mad at the mean joke, but now he had no idea of what would he do without Hongbin.

He keeps the monsters out, keeps the evil out. He is a consuming fire that lights the darkness Taekwoon is trapped in… His own personal hell, scorching hot, destructive and bright.

Taekwoon just wants to be good for him all the time. Shield him from everything that threatens the existence of this smile.

He _will_ throw this city into chaos if that's what it takes for Hongbin to keep his smile. He doesn't mind.

Why would he?

 

**~×~**

 

Jaehwan wakes in the middle of the night to the soft, pleasant sound of weeping. What he finds is, as per usual, Taekwoon curled into himself, sobbing softly. Such a lovely sound… But he has to wake up, he is hurting himself, nails digging into the flesh of his arm with enough force to draw blood... It's a pretty color, even in the darkness.

If Jaehwan could, he would paint everything red and make the world prettier… Unfortunately, he can't.

So instead he only rises from the small couch on the corner and yawns, rubbing at his sleep-swollen eyes. “Kitten… Kitten~” Taekwoon startles back into consciousness, hands clutching at the hand Jaehwan used to touch his arm and shake him awake. Hyperventilating… another pretty sound.

The lovely sound of desperation, of panic.

Jaehwan surely likes Taekwoon, he is nice and kind and makes all this pretty sounds Jaehwan likes a lot and has a nice voice too. Taekwoon is nice, they are friends.

He decided that on the first night.

That's important, Jaehwan doesn't actively likes many people. He likes Hakyeon and Wonshik, likes Sanghyuk too,  but not that much… And of course, he likes Hongbunny.

Now he has five friends, it's nice.

Taekwoon gets calmer as time passes, and Jaehwan crawls into bed with him like he has been doing all the other nights, to hug him and let him cry and sob helplessly into his chest as Jaehwan sings a song… the first one he can remember of, and think how nice Taekwoon's voice sounds when he is broken into pieces.

Isn't it good to have friends?

It is.

But soon the doctors are coming in as they do every other night, and they look at the angry red marks into Taekwoon's arm and the nurse all but gasps.

Jaehwan is soon dragged out and they just don't let him inside. But then the screaming starts and it's not okay… It's a beautiful sound but he is here so Taekwoon doesn't have to be afraid, so he can just sleep and feel secure and safe…

He gets his phone and calls Hongbin as the sound of Taekwoon's voice fills his ears and the doctors try to calm him down, there are two of them, holding him in place.

His gun is inside, his knife is too. “ _Hongbinnie they are hurting Taekwoonnie what do I do?!_ ” He screams the words into the speaker as he backs off the doctors hold, labored breathing as he waits for Hongbin to answer.

“Take them _off_. Bring him back to me.” The line goes dead and Jaehwan looks at the man by the door. Taekwoon’s voice is so broken as he sobs, it makes Jaehwan's chest well up and crumble all at the same time.

The noise coming from the hallway makes the nurse stop with the needle in hand, but the patient needs to be stabilized, he has been hurting himself, he’ll be sedated and sent to psychiatry upstairs.

Or so he should because Jaehwan kicks the door open and the doctor who tries to stop him has his arm broken with and easy twist. He falls down crying and Jaehwan looks at the white lights from inside the room squinting his eyes used to darkness. “Get off him!” He pushes the nurse _back_ and she hits a table and then the floor, the other three whom had dragged Jaehwan out of the room all step back and Taekwoon curls into himself again, his voice subsiding to a small weeping sound as the hands that were holding him down disappear. “Out! out! _out!_ ” Jaehwan is back by Taekwoon's side in a second, leaning over him and helping him sit up. Taekwoon is shaking so much Jaehwan almost feels sorry for him… because they are friends and friends don't find other friends pain funny or amusing. Pretty? Yes. Funny? No.

“Let’s go home, kitten.” Jaehwan steals the bed sheets but no one dares to call him on that as he walks out of hospital and into his car.

Enough hospitals.

Taekwoon remains curled against the door the entire ride home, looking positively wretched, miserable, clutching at the sheets around himself and trying not to sob too loud.  They go inside after Jaehwan taking to long in fumbling with the keys, making their way upstairs, in which Jaehwan is, very patiently, guiding Taekwoon by the shoulders. They may have injected something sedative in his sorum. Taekwoon feels so limp against his shoulder, he only half notices Jaehwan shushing him soothingly all the way to Hongbin's office.

Hongbin is halfway across the room even before Jaehwan has the chance to announce their arrival, taking Taekwoon’s feeble form in his own arms a little too eagerly, a little too possessively.

“It's ok, hyung… I'm right here with you.” Taekwoon makes a very weak sound, and Hongbin touches him up to feel any injuries. “What happened?” He may still be looking at Taekwoon but Jaehwan knows Hongbin is talking to him, his voice is too authoritative, too irritable to be directed at Taekwoon.

Jaehwan doesn't know. It happened so fast. “He had a nightmare… The nurses came and tried to knock him out.”

Taekwoon holds at Hongbin's chest and mumbles lightly. “Thank you Jaehwan… For taking me out.” Jaehwan smiles brightly at him and Hongbin's eyes fall down the small crescents carved into his arm.

“Rest, hyung… I'll take care of everything.” Taekwoon nods at him in silence, eyes blurry and lacking their customary intensity.

Hongbin said things will be fine so… He will just… close his eyes… for a few seconds…

Hongbin has Taekwoon with his head resting against his legs, petting his hair as he succumbs to the sedatives and unconsciousness swallows him whole. “Tell Hakyeon to call the mayor… I want all the money I doned for his campaign back _today_ … Or the names of those who shot my precious hyung… He has until sunset to bring me one of these, I don't like to repeat myself.” Jaehwan nods and takes off, but Hongbin's voice calls him back in. “Jaehwan… You know what happens when he gets hurt…” he gets up slowly and walks in taking Jaehwan by the arm, he presses… “Everything that happens to him…” and _presses,_ nails digging into skin and Jaehwan makes a small pained sound. “I’ll do to you.” When he finally releases him, Jaehwan is bleeding and tearing up, the marks of Hongbin's nails imprinted into his flesh, red and swollen. Hongbin pushes him out without another word, going back to Taekwoon's side, touching his hair with his bloody fingers.

For Taekwoon though, his eyes are always kind.

 


	9. Closer

He wakes up in Hongbin's bed in the middle of the night. He has been scraping his nails over the new-formed bruise on his arm. Now it's bleeding and he is alone.

Being alone makes him a lot more scared than it should, but he can't even complain, anxiety gets the best of him, he is hugging the back of his knees and bringing them as close to his chest as he possibly can. He wants to make himself smaller.

Because then, maybe this tension on his lungs gets a little less constricting…

Maybe this sensation of overstimulation subsides and he can hear more than white noise into his ears.

He feels cold.

And lonely.

And afraid.

Like he never thought he would and for no particular reason other than the nightmares and the fact that everyone outside this house is trying to hurt him...

Even the doctors…

Even them…

They can't be trusted…

There is rain outside, and the thunders make him cry. Alone in this bed that smells like flowers… Whose bed is this? His bed is not that big so…

The door cracks open to the sound of him crying. Someone says something, the door is closed again. Wonshik comes in no time, another thunder cuts the sky like a whip, like a knife, Taekwoon hides his face between his knees and hopes someone will come keep him company.

Wonshik is sitting and only now Taekwoon notices him, he has been doing his best to keep his crying sounds quiet as not to bother anyone, but Wonshik touches his hair and his tear-stained cheeks and he crumbles down like a sand castle.

Why is he crying? He isn't sad... Nothing hurts… But he feels… so cold…

So very cold… So very helpless…

Wonshik's voice sounds grounding when he says his name, sounds like stone and the earth after a storm… Taekwoon clutches at the front of Wonshik's clean coat, he smells like musk and alcohol, the same as always, and Wonshik rocks then back and forth as he gathers Taekwoon trembling form into his arms.

He and Hongbin...

They may have the same age but they are not alike… Wonshik has a deep voice that sounds like waves crashing on the beach and washing away the pain… His skin is covered in scars and bruises and tattoos Taekwoon never bothered to pay attention to… His hands are rough and calloused and he uses a ring for every finger he has. A grounding force, a natural disaster made of gunpowder and boisterous laugh.

Always wounded but never hurting... For Taekwoon he has only nice smiles and hair touching.

But he is not Hongbin.

Hongbin is the living hell that will burn this miserable world to ashes.

Hongbin is the cloud of poison that will suffocate everything around him with that soft smile of his.

Hongbin is life and death.

This world can't deny him anything… And Hongbin will ask for _everything_ …

Taekwoon loves him, and will continue to do so for as long as he lives.

“I can see it now, Wonshik-ah…” he mumbles the words into Wonshik's chest. His crying subsided to a silent shake in his cold hands. Wonshik hums questionly so he speaks again. “I'm not scared anymore…”

Wonshik is caressing his back soothingly, it feels nice to be like this. It's nice to feel safe, and he stuffs his hands into Wonshik's pants pockets to warm them.

He can sleep like this…

With the smell of Wonshik into his lungs and the thought of Hongbin into his mind.

He can die like this.

He is not afraid anymore.

 

**~×~**

 

Once he wakes again Wonshik is gone and Hongbin is there, touching his hair gently. He is sitting on the bed beside him, without his coat or his shoes, hands tangled into the strands of Taekwoon's hair in a way that it's too easy to fall asleep again. “Hongbinnie?”

Hongbin beams at him, leaning down to kiss him but his mouth tastes bitter and he turns his face to deny Hongbin the urges he has so early in the morning.

Is it morning? Probably. Hongbin is never home at night, and even when he is he is always busy.

So he sits up, very much intending to brush his teeth before even opening his mouth to say good morning but Hongbin couldn't care less about any of that, he drags Taekwoon back to bed, pulling him by the neck.

Taekwoon is too drowsy to resist and so he falls back into the sheets _hard_. He has no time to say a word for Hongbin is claiming his lips hungrily, angrily, violent like he is, tongue and teeth dragging sounds a little too pliant for this hour in the morning. The hold Hongbin has on his face is too light to match the demands of his tongue, it's breathtaking, it's too hot and too much.

Mostly, Taekwoon only sighs pleasantly and allows Hongbin to handle him in whichever way he considers appropriate.

Hongbin tastes like cinnamon and coffee. “Don’t you ever do that again.” Taekwoon makes a sound that sounded different inside his head, but here, in the real world, it sounded like a plea.

Of what exactly he doesn't know.

But it's fine because Hongbin is smiling again.

Taekwoon is a little breathless, so he just closes his eyes for a few moments as Hongbin resumes his sitting position and the hair touching. “You will live here now.” Taekwoon only nods, sitting up again. His knees feel wobbly. _Damn it_.

“Hey…” again, Hongbin has his arms around him, lightly inhaling his scent. “I love you, hyung.”

Taekwoon hums at him, he thought it was a dream but his arm is still bruised, he remembers it now... “They... wanted to make it hurt again, Hongbinnie…” Hongbin rose his eyes at that, as Taekwoon forces his mind to remember. “They said I should be taken to a psychiatrist… To be medicated… But if I was to be treated, I wouldn't love you anymore… They would twist my thoughts, my feelings. Twist them to make me believe I don't love you.” The hold on Taekwoon's waist tightens impossibly. It's assuring, it's comforting, even if he can't breath well like this. “It would hurt again… Do you think I'm crazy?”

Hongbin has them both back on the bed in a second, hugging him so tight he can feel the pressure into his bones, digging into his flesh… pressing down at his organs. 

“ _No._ ” Hongbin is so emphatic Taekwoon almost thinks he offended him. “It’s too late for you to be saved… You are already mine.” His words bring a certain sense of security to Taekwoon’s confusion.

So Taekwoon hugs him back, he hopes to drown into Hongbin too. “I am… I am yours…” Hongbin's eyes are searching, but it's fine he has nothing to hide.

He wants to be his.

He wants to be safe from this world who only thinks about hurting him…

He can only trust his monsters…

“Taekwoon… Marry me.” Hongbin looks so serious, so very intense Taekwoon just can't sustain his eyes for too long.

“Of course… If that will make you happy, Hongbinnie.” Taekwoon is smiling and Hongbin starts laughing, arms so tight Taekwoon hears his back making a sound, it's fine it's nothing serious, Hongbin is happy so Taekwoon only caresses his hair as he smiles so brightly at him, kissing his face like he is something precious and irreplaceable.

Hongbin is so very happy his voice carries his joy to Taekwoon's ears as he speaks. “How would you like your ring? You will be the queen of my empire I’ll give you one like mine too.” He is talking too fast, Taekwoon only watches him speak, spilling words broken by mild chuckles and tender looks.

There is a knock on the door, followed by Hakyeon’s voice. “Hongbinnie~ Wonshik returned, the mayor called and one of our investors requested a meeting.” Hongbin sighs and hangs his head. He wants to stay with Taekwoon but… he has work to do. It's even worse because Taekwoon is smiling at him with glazed eyes, so very pliant and pleased.

His mood drops as he leaves the room and Hakyeon signals for him to follow. Taekwoon's smell still lingers on the tip of his fingers. “Did you get my faces?” He mildly asks Hakyeon who has his phone in hand and walks in that hurried pace Hongbin is already used to.

“Wonshik did. What do you want to do?” Hakyeon looks over his shoulder with a neutral question in his eyes, he expects bad.

“Make them an example… and the one who shot… Bring him to me.” He runs warm fingers over his messy hair, Hakyeon is one thing but to the rest of the house he is still Mr.Lee, the boss.

Hakyeon offers him a side glance, curious at best. “It’s a woman, Hongbin-ah.” As expected Hongbin's face does not change, nor flinch. It could be his own mother, he does not care.

None shall defile the flesh of his loved hyung, his beloved hyung… “What I said ramains… Bring her to me.”

Hakyeon hums mildly. “ Where should I take her, then?”  Hongbin leaves Hakyeon by the side of the stairs,  walking down by himself. His voice is nonchalant as he answers to Halyeon's question. “The garden… I shall paint our roses red for my dear Taekwoon.”

_A sensitive soul indeed…_


	10. Paint it Red

Taekwoon is called to the garden by Jaehwan. Only to find a tied, heavily wounded woman and Hongbin sitting on a bench.

A knife on one hand and a rose on the other. Upon seeing Taekwoon approaching he smiles, that beautiful dimpled smile of his. “Hyung.” 

Taekwoon is being urged forward by a very encouraging Jaehwan, his steps are too slow and the woman won't be conscious for much longer. “What is happening Hongbinnie?” He gives a glance at the woman but her state is too deplorable for words, not a single nail was left of her hands, hands that no longer had fingers enough to count to ten. 

“They gave me faces. So now I will dispense punishment.” He mentions simply. “It seems Chanshik wasn't involved in the end but… I will get those who were.” 

Wonshik is the one holding her hair so she won't fall forward, but he soon calls another guy Taekwoon never saw to take his place, throwing the woman at him like a she was nothing but a burden. “Now, we are talking about justice. Come here.” Hongbin indicates for Taekwoon to come closer, he does, walking just for him to be spun around, making him face the woman on the grass, on her knees, blindfolded like an animal. 

Hongbin offers him a gun, smile in place, using his own hand to make Taekwoon's fingers curl around cold metal. “Shoot her… Just like she did to you.” He hugs Taekwoon’s back, hooking his head over his shoulder to look at the pitiful form being held up in his garden. His smile never falters. “Have you ever held a gun, hyung?” 

Taekwoon shakes his head but his mind is elsewhere. Hongbin wants him to… shoot… this woman? 

He smiles fondly at Taekwoon’s anxiety. “Here, let me show you…” he positions Taekwoon’s hand around the gun gently, fingers guiding but not pressuring. “Like this. But hold your arm steady or you can hurt yourself…” Hongbin's hand retreats and Taekwoon almost drops the gun, hands shaking like he is freezing.

His voice does not find it's way to his mouth. Hongbin is caressing his hips, warmth seeping through the thin layer of his clothes… Taekwoon can feel him shifting behind him but his brain cannot function properly, all he can hear is deafening white noise. 

Can he really do that? 

Can he? 

Hongbin thinks he can and he trusts his judgement with all his heart but… his head is spinning, Hongbin's breath is against his ear… “ _ Shoot her. _ ” 

And he startles, fingers constricting along with all his muscles... too sudden… he pulls the trigger… The shoot sounds deafening in his ears… He woman starts bleeding again, it hit her thigh… Taekwoon frowns, the woman screams, he drops the gun… 

Hongbin holds his face tenderly. “Well done.” then he is crouching down to get the gun, everything moves in slow motion.

There is another shot.

And another.

And another.

And another.

Not a single shot was aimed at any vital area, she's still alive.

Hongbin gives the gun for Hakyeon to take away, seemingly pleased.

He is getting the knife.

Taekwoon is stumbling backwards just to hit the bench and fall back, sitting more like falling and hyperventilating.

Hongbin walks.

He has the rose in hand.

He cuts her throat swiftly.

She chokes pathetically on her own blood.

He allows the blood drip over the white rose like paint, like water.

He walks back.

Pushes the tinted rose into Taekwoon's hand, it drips warm red into his arms…

It feels nice.

It's warm, it reminds him of Hongbin.

He thinks he smiles back and Hongbin bends down to take his lips, red fingers sliding across his jaw so he can only smell iron and Hongbin's perfume. “I’m so happy that you are mine… Remember I love you…  _ Always _ .”

Taekwoon buries his face in the crook of Hongbin's neck, his love for him is the only thing he can feel… He is so broken, Hongbin loves him just like this… Broken, tainted… And he loves him back. 

A monster.

_ His monster. _

But he feels faint, and he thinks he may sleep for only a few seconds like this… Hongbin is here, it'll be fine… It's just… a few… seconds…

Hongbin holds him just like he imagined he would… 

They are alike now. 

There is nothing to fear.

 

**~×~**

  
  


Jinyoung arrives on a weekend, as Taekwoon observes Wonshik tending the garden. Jinyoung is, once again, wearing that dark suit from last time, and Taekwoon wonders if he has any other to begin with or if this is just the “Lee related issues” suit. 

Talking about Lee’s… He lost Jaehwan completely. According to Wonshik, he went inside and it's currently sleeping in the kitchen as Sanghyuk makes lunch and yells instructions for the rest of his crew. 

Alright. 

“Good afternoon, Taekwoon-ssi.” There is a man beside Jinyoung Taekwoon never saw before, in a way, he gives off the same feeling Wonshik does, albeit more tamely. 

To put things into scale, where Wonshik feels like a wild wolf, this guy seems like a large dog, it's intense but not as oppressive. “Are you here to speak to Hongbin?” Wonshik's voice cuts Taekwoon before he can answer the pleasantries. “Baro.”  

The man Wonshik just called ‘Baro’ nods Wonshik a small smile very similar to his own, muttering a quiet ‘Ravi-ya.’ back at him. Then his eyes fall onto Taekwoon with a calm unusual to those coming from his family. “You must be Taekwoon-hyung.” Taekwoon nods and Baro offers one very brief  _ nice to meet you _ and walks out towards the house with Jinyoung after him. 

Taekwoon likes him more than he likes Jinyoung, at least Baro is calm and not rude. 

To be honest, Jinyoung is the most level-headed of them all, he just dislikes Hakyeon in a very particular way… but again, so does Hakyeon. His displeasure with Jinyoung is a very specific thing, and it's normal of them to extend this displeasure along the entire family. 

They are very evenly matched in that. 

Taekwoon rarely leaves the mansion these days, he doesn’t feel like he needs to. As a consequence, Wonshik normally stays behind as well, even if Jaehwan already offered himself to keep Taekwoon company when Hongbin asks him to do other things, like working on his actual work that does not involve the garden.

Wonshik accepts only because he has to.

He is Mr. Lee’s the right hand after all.

After the execution a week ago, Hongbin doesn’t stare at Wonshik with something similar to rage in his eyes anymore, he was pacified. But that in any way means he is off the hook, Hongbin is not a forgiving type, and Wonshik did not pay his blood debt yet.

Taekwoon is not all that worried, but this is hardly about Taekwoon anyway.

Wonshik escorts them both inside and to Hongbin’s office, where the mentioned remains, leaning back on his chair, hands composedly resting over his crossed legs, eyes closed as he hums in mild attention to the conversation he seems to be having on the phone.

“So I hope our alliances can be renewed after this small inconvenience.” Hongbin watches as Sunwoo and Jinyoung enter the room, Jinyoung takes a sit without asking much, Sunwoo stays behind and exchange a few looks with Wonshik.  

Jinyoung grins when Hongbin dismisses the mayor in favor of talking to him. “Jinyoung.” He says, and Jinyoung arches his thin eyebrow in a questioningly manner.

“Not Jinyoung-hyung?” Hongbin laughs openly at that, his eyes crinkling and his dimples showing like he and Jinyoung were nothing but old friends.

But they are nothing like that. “You wish. Why are you here? Shinwoo called me, not you.”

Slowly, Jinyoung leans back into his seat, tapping his fingers on the armrest. “Shinwoo is taking care of… other affairs.” Hongbin hums nonchalantly, signing some papers Hakyeon left for him just this morning.  Wonshik is still standing, arms crossed, right beside Sunwoo who looks very tired and not all that interested in Jinyoung euphemisms.  “Does this affairs consists in mostly Chanshik and his unstable behavior when pressured?”

Jinyoung is partially spinning his chair, moving it from side to side as he fights the laughter bubbling over his throat, the smile though, he can’t contain. “You have to be crazy to be successful in this business apparently.” Hongbin raises his eyes from his papers, pen stilling in midst of writing his signature on the corner, right above the dotted line, like it’s proper.

“I forgot how much I dislike you, Jinyoung.” His hands go back to moving over the sheet of paper, discarding the pen before he can convince himself to stab Jinyoung in the neck. “Unfortunately, you are back again to remember me. Can we make this quick?”

“Of course, Hongbin-ssi. Actually I’m just an escort. Sunwoo, please deal with him.” Jinyoung is up and out of the room even before he finishes closing his suit again. His light steps sound on the stairs and Wonshik makes his way after him, he doesn’t want Jinyoung walking around without company.

“I heard about the wedding.” Sunwoo is careful, taking the seat Jinyoung occupied a second ago. “You must really love him.” Hongbin makes a sound but doesn’t answer, Sunwoo is the only one he mildly tolerates by this point. At least he is not overly joyful or amiable like the other two, or insufferable like Jinyoung and Chanshik.

“I appreciate your work at finding the culprit for the attempt at murder of Taekwoon-hyung… What do you want?” He laces his hands together over the table, eyes quiet and observant. The eyes of a businessman.

Sunwoo shakes his head. “Nothing. I want you to stop being so wary, but I can’t ask for that.” Hongbin looks at him in a way that makes clear for Sunwoo to know how right he is, how Hongbin is not so easy to melt down. His trust is built over sacrifices and blood to pay for the betrayals and failures of the past.

No amount of sacrifices will ever pay what Chanshik and his family made him go through.

Chanshik is beyond forgiveness.

He went straight into hell.

His family with him.

They broke his heart.

 

_ Now they can cut their own throats with the shards and choke on their own blood. _

 

Sunwoo rises from his chair and offers Hongbin a weak smile. “I’m sorry for Jinyoung, he’s still mad about Dongwoo.” Hongbin’s eyes remain as devoid of feeling as they were the moment he and Jinyoung set foot inside his office.

“Good.” it’s all the answer he offers, Sunwoo looks sad but not surprised. His small smile stays through Hongbin’s cold words. “Leave.”

Sunwoo leaves and Hongbin feels his mood dropping to a sour taste in the back of his throat. He lights a cigarette… Fucking liars.

The smoke filling his lungs helps with the taste but he still feels the common anger making his skin crawl… 

_ Fucking liars. _

 

Downstairs, Taekwoon is sprawled on the couch as Sunwoo makes his way to the door, offering him a polite goodbye and a respectful bow. 

Wonshik thinks Taekwoon is a little too spacey these days, he always takes so long to answer any question and every time they talk to him, the conversation starts with him saying ‘hm?’ and seemingly coming back to earth. It’s curiosity that makes Wonshik sit on the armrest of the couch to look down at Taekwoon, using the entire space in a mess of limbs and pillows. “Are you ok, hyung?” 

Taekwoon reaches his hand to touch Wonshik’s thigh before answering. “Ah..  You’re really here… But I should know, the Wonshik in my head never speaks…” Wonshik scowls. What is he talking about? “I'm fine Wonshik-ah.” Taekwoon sits abruptly and Wonshik flinches back.

Maybe his expression looks funny because Taekwoon is laughing under his breath. “I should go see Hongbinnie…” his hold on Wonshik's thigh gets stronger before vanishing completely. Taekwoon is walking away, yawning lightly and humming a song Jaehwan sometimes sings. 

In the end he never answered the question… Is he ok?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing the next chapters and I you guys to know there'll be some wontaek going on.  
> Maybe even some smut I don't know, tell me what you guys think.


	11. Fire

Taekwoon got distracted with something along the way… A spiderweb, a small moth stuck on it, tired of fighting but still alive.

A shame really, the spider is already dead. No one will put the moth out of it’s misery… It will suffer until it dies in vain.

A meaningless death.

Poor moth…

But not all of us have the privilege of dying with purpose after all, that's a gift for only a chosen few.

Fate decided, Taekwoon was no one to interfere.

“Hyung! What are you looking at?” Jaehwan is on him a second after his words are processed by Taekwoon's brain, he is familiar with Jaehwan's smell by this point… Like warm chocolate and dried up blood.

Jaehwan smells nice, really sweet.

Taekwoon takes a few seconds to answer. “That moth right there.” Jaehwan's eyes follows the tip of his fingers, but all he gets is a little confused frown.

“Where? Is it small?” Taekwoon's hand falls uselessly beside his body as he thinks about Jaehwan's question. Is it small? It doesn't seem small.

It takes almost the entire corner of the wall… That's not small right?

He blinks at Jaehwan's expression, once…

Twice…

The spiderweb is gone. But it was there just a moment ago…

Where...

Maybe it was small after all, he hopes the moth is fine. “Jaehwan-ah… I'm not feeling very well… I'm going back to my room.” He was going to do something before he found Jaehwan… Something really important…

What was it?

Maybe he will remember after taking a nap.

He leaves Jaehwan without another word, he feels really sleepy… Where is his room now? He sleeps upstairs right? On the blood stained sheets right? It must be there.

_Yeah… it must be._

He lies down, on blood red sheets, they smell like many flowers at once… so soft…

Sanghyuk is there too, sitting in the corner, but he isn't saying anything so Taekwoon does because he is feeling lonely now. Lonely in this huge empty room… But it's not empty, Sanghyuk is here right? He must be, Taekwoon is looking at him.

“Sanghyuk-ah… am I going crazy? Am I?” Sanghyuk doesn't say a thing, only looks at him quietly. They never say anything… It's fine, he likes the silence anyway. “Can I still be good for Hongbinnie like this? I don't know...”

How much time has passed? Taekwoon is almost dozing off when Wonshik enters without knocking, stopping dead on his tracks. “Hyung?!” He looks so surprised, Taekwoon would laugh if he wasn't so tired… Where is Sanghyuk anyway? He must he really busy to vanish like this without any goodbyes.

Well, they are all busy these days. “What are you doing in my room, hyung?”

_His room…?_

_Oh…_

Taekwoon sits up on the bed and swings his feet to let them touch the floor… it's cold… He hates the cold… So much… “Sorry Wonshik-ah… I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.” He rises from the bed and the entire room spins around him, something is pressing his brain down. Wonshik is there in a second, holding him up, steady.

Was he falling? He can't tell. Wonshik smells nice today, today there is no alcohol hitting the back of his nostrils, only the smell of wood and perfume… So nice… So soothing… “I'll go Wonshik-ah… Don't worry about me. I’m fine.” He takes a step and somehow ends further into Wonshik's chest. Is he the one doing that? Is it Wonshik? He is so solid, like a statue…

Always grounding…

Always steady…

“You can stay, hyung. I don't mind… Are you alright? I need to know.” Wonshik is not about love, he is not capable of loving, he just  can't… His emotions come in much more soothing forms, he can't be intense with anything other than work… The flame in his eyes is only for work, never for those he cares.

Wonshik does not care about many people, that's why. If Taekwoon was to be asked about Wonshik, he would tell people he is kind.

_Kind._

That's new…

“You are a really nice person Wonshik-ah.” Taekwoon finally answers after all his long deliberation, but Wonshik never rushes him. “I feel fine.”

Nothing hurts. It's fine.

“Do you want to sleep here?” Wonshik's voice vibrates against Taekwoon’s eardrums… it's so pleasant, his voice. It's sounds like everything will be alright.

“This is where you live when there is no one to kill? It's nice… it's cleaner than expected.” In all honesty, Wonshik only sleeps here, and the servants are the ones responsible for making the bed.

Wonshik hums, Taekwoon is resting his head on him and the cold tips of his fingers touch Wonshik's neck like paintbrushes sliding over a piece of paper. Taekwoon is always careful, always trying to respect everyone's boundaries, their limits. An accommodating, soothing force… So delicate...

So lost…

“Sleep. I’ll tell Hongbin where you are.” Taekwoon nods but doesn't move, eyes closed for a while now, hands hanging from Wonshik's back pockets. His breath keeps fanning his supporter’s neck, the necklace Hongbin gave him trapped between them. Taekwoon mumbles something similar to _be careful at work_ and Wonshik just sighs.

 _Sleepy little kitten_ …

 

~×~

 

He wakes again feeling refreshed, feeling a little more grounded and less lightheaded. There were no nightmares this time, no terrible images of torture and horror.

Nothing.

Just silent darkness.

He wakes in Wonshik's room, strongly craving for Hongbin's presence. So he is up and out in a dash, feeling the signals of a future headache forming on the back of his brain. The hallway feels like it's swinging from side to side… It's normal, he is okay.

It's already dark outside, Hongbin must be in his office.

So…

Down the hallway…

Upstairs and around the corner on the right.

The second door.

He knocks. Hears attentively as the voice inside calls him in with the stern tone he uses for business.

Hongbin's serious expression melts into one of fondness as soon as his eyes take in Taekwoon shyly standing at his door, pendant in hand. “You don't have to knock before entering.” His voice is filled with warmth, that gentle reminder that Hongbin is the one that provides the heat between them.

Taekwoon steps inside and closes the door behind him. Hongbin has a cigarette in hand, idly burning now that Taekwoon absorbed any and all of his attention. “Wonshik told me you were sleeping.” Taekwoon reaches for the cigarette Hongbin is currently ignoring with all the intention of taking one long drag to soothe his nerves…

But Hongbin takes the cigarette back in a clear message to convey his cigarette is off the limits. Even if the action did not, his eyes did. “Don't.” He said it, even if it seemed like a waste of words by now. Taekwoon let his hand fall and looks down, a little ashamed of being denied.

Hongbin is up and has his free hand on his face in no time. “No, hyung.” A warm but mischievous smile. “I’m not denying you of my cigarette, no… Oh, no…” he takes one long drag of the still lit cigarette, and for a second Taekwoon thinks he is doing this to mock him but… No. It dawns on him what Hongbin is trying to say when he exhales slowly and the smoke hits Taekwoon's face like a cloud.

Oh… he wants him to… Oh. “You want it? Come get it.”

Hongbin don't even has the time to enjoy his next drag, Taekwoon latching onto his lips like he was just waiting for an opportunity, an excuse to do so and he finally got one. Hongbin exhales than, free hand grasping at the pendant hanging from Taekwoon's neck to make him bend a little, just so he can push him to the chair and climb on top of him.

The load of smoke shared between them is starting to make Taekwoon a little breathless.

Such a nice feeling, having Hongbin this close, but then he grinds and Taekwoon just has to break the kiss to gasp and clutch at the chair a little too tightly… Hongbin makes an annoyed noise. “Don't hold the chair, hold _me_.”

Taekwoon tries to say something but Hongbin is grinding down again,  kissing behind his ears in a way that makes it so hard for him to _think_ . He is not one to give up though, so he both offers Hongbin more skin by tilting his head back and also tries to mend words in a way that can be understandable. “I don't… I don't want to hurt...you.” Hongbin purrs softly into his ears, holding Taekwoon’s rapidly heating face between his slightly trembling fingers to force him to look into his eyes as he _grinds down hard_. As he moves his hips to make Taekwoon a little less stable, a little less sane. To make them both go through this torment.

Hongbin is so merciless. “I want you to…” his hands wander down to guide Taekwoon’s hands to his body. “Go ahead… Sink your nails into my flesh… Make me bleed…” Hongbin sounds so breathless, this so unusual, he sound vulnerable… As if waiting to be hurt, just waiting to bleed...

Giving Taekwoon the authority to blemish his skin…

He can't hurt Hongbin, he just can't… Hongbin is sacred. He is a blessing into this dark land, an angel to walk among this filthy creatures of flesh and bone.

Hurting him… is like going against the very essence of the human kind.

Unthinkable.

Unforgivable.

“Taekwoon-ah… Are you afraid?” Taekwoon doesn't know, he lost all his focus, in a way that makes Hongbin still his movements and look at him in the eye with some undecipherable emotion filling up his gaze. He is smiling again in a second, reaching for his table to get the letter opener and make a huge cut on his hand. “Ah, hyung…” the blood oozes and drips down his pants, it stains his shirt.

Taekwoon watches carefully, watches as Hongbin gets his hand to make a cut similar to his own. There is almost no pain anymore, he feels a little sting and nothing else.

The familiar feeling of blood rolling down his arm and inside the sleeve his shirt to drip don't his elbow and make a stain there assaults his senses again. Hongbin clasps their hands together, blood mingling and mixing and falling in big heavy drops into to floor, the chair, their clothes. There is a great sense of intimacy in this. Almost suffocatingly so.

It's inevitable, Taekwoon feels his breath catching on his throat, Hongbin is way too intense. He can't breathe but Hongbin doesn't want him to, right now all he has to worry about is being close and when he uncertainly moves his arm to rest shyly around his companion's waist he is immediately rewarded with a breathy sigh and Hongbin grabbing a handful of his hair with his clean hand. “Ah… I’m getting lightheaded again…”

Taekwoon never fully understood what is the secret meaning behind Hongbin's lightheadedness, nor what is so worrying about it to the point of him having to stop doing everything to calm down. “I trust you.” The words leave his lips before he has time to think them through, but he doesn’t regret.

He does trust Hongbin, fully, completely. “Do you trust me with your life? Trust me enough to let your body on my hands?” He tilts his head in a way Taekwoon concludes is a questioningly manner, Hongbin has this small things, small gestures to convey his thoughts.

But he does trust Hongbin with whatever it is that he feels like taking from him. “I do.”

A smile follows right after that, Hongbin is hugging him, staining Taekwoon’s light blue shirt with blood, his laugh filling Taekwoon’s senses entirely, so breathy, so sincere.

No one ever loved Taekwoon this much. “I love you, hyung.” He holds Taekwoon’s face in his hand, Hongbin’s blood, so warm, rolling down his face… Down his neck…

Hongbin bends down to lick it clean, rest his head against Taekwoon’s own and close his eyes. “I’m so proud of you, hyung… So proud… You make me so happy.” _That’s good._ Taekwoon cards his bloody fingers through Hongbin’s hair, only when he feels the sting he remembers he is still bleeding. “But… I will have to go on a business trip tomorrow… How will I survive without you?” Taekwoon smiles at that… Silly, silly monster. _Of course you’ll live without me_.

“Is it the thing about the guys that shot me? If it is, you don’t have to worry about me. I’m not mad.” He forgets about the sting in his bloody hand as Hongbin leans back into his hand like a cat, inhaling the scent of his blood like an expensive drug.

Hongbin shakes his head. “Of course I do… I will personally ruin everything that dares to hurt you.” _A sensitive soul_ … Yeah, he remembers now. Hongbin is so considerate, so gentle. He can’t help but smile.

It’s heartwarming how many important things Hongbin is willing to do for him… “You will spoil me like that.”

A smile. “Do I get a prize?” He shuffles closer, hands on the small of Taekwoon’s back to bring their bodies closer still. Hongbin is one to get greedy with the things he already has. “Do I?”

He is very endearing in his actions, Taekwoon certainly thinks so. It's always comforting how he can always think clearly with Hongbin close. He is the only one Taekwoon never hallucinates about.

Too perfect to be imagined.

He is the only certainty that remains as Taekwoon feels himself slipping away. “What do you want, Hongbinnie?” Hongbin is humming along his jawline, offering little bites like he has all the intention of eating him alive and it's trying to decide if he is already good enough to eat as he is now.

“You… But you’re already mine.” He is. He accepts that, his fate. “You’re smelling like Wonshik.” There is no real bite in his words, only a mild neutrality that signals he is bothered but does not want to complain. Taekwoon used to be nervous whenever he used this voice.

Not anymore. “I made a mistake and ended up sleeping in his room.” A moment of silence, of careful consideration. “I like Wonshik… He is really nice.” Hongbin looks at him like he is trying to rip him apart, not with  violence, not to hurt him, but to find betrayal. But there is nothing there.

So he goes back to smiling. “Should I be jealous?” It's a serious question, the kind of question that divides oceans and starts wars.

The kind of question that kills people.

The kind of question Hongbin always does.

Taekwoon shakes his head calmly because he is not afraid. Not anymore. “No.”

Caresses on his face. Hongbin is always about skin, about closeness in a way to express feelings with actions even if he voices everything like an open book. “The last time someone lied to me about this… Other people ended up in a wheelchair.” His voice is very serious, very ominous… A threat. “And only because I missed… You wouldn't lie to me, would you?” Taekwoon shakes his head and Hongbin looks at him a little suspiciously. “Never?”

Taekwoon smiles softly at him. _Adorable_. “Never.”

Hongbin is leaning against him again, playing with the pendant around his neck. Exhaling softly at the bite marks on his neck.

It's amusing how he just has to mark him somehow to be happy. He just needs to. “I hate liars…” One long pause. Hongbin is thinking, his hands stilled. “I’ll bring you presents from my trip, ok? Something romantic… You don't feel any pain anymore, right?” Taekwoon shakes his head, he has scars, but no pain. The only pain he feels now it's his head.

Maybe it's the blood. “I want you… But I'll wait for our wedding.”

Hongbin is muttering the word wedding under his breath, like a charm, like he is trying to taste the word out and give it a new name. “I'll tell Wonshik to take care of you while I'm gone… Since you like him. If you ever feel lonely without me, think of him as me ok? He'll provide whatever you need.” Hongbin is back at kissing him, back at licking the insides of his mouth with that hot, wet tongue of his. Taekwoon can taste blood like this. “Send me pictures of you? To keep me company at night… Can you do that for me?” Every time Taekwoon starts getting into the kiss, Hongbin has to stop and say something. It's hard to pay attention when he is thinking about _more pressing matters._

He nods because agreeing is his natural reaction.

“That's my hyung.” Hongbin is smiling again, fingers around his neck in a way that makes it very easy for him to choke Taekwoon in case he gets distracted. But no. Soon one hand is moving to the drawer on the table, opening it as deaf finger slide inside without really paying attention, pulling back a small yellow bottle.

He takes a pill and puts it under his tongue, leaning in to resume his kissing and whisper against Taekwoon’s lips. “You’ll like that…” Then his tongue is pushing _in_ and with it comes that small pill that is already melting and it's bitter.

Taekwoon’s eyes fall closed in silent surrender. That pill rolling on his tongue as Hongbin's hands go back to his throat. A slow buzz is driving the headache away.

A very slow buzz.

Hongbin doesn't pull back when the pill melts away, he doesn't pull back and Taekwoon starts getting breathless, he is all tongue teeth invading Taekwoon's mouth like he only purpose is draining his soul _out_ using only his mouth.

He will make it if this goes on for too long.

How much time has passed?

Who knows? Minutes? Hours? _Days?_

They say time slips away faster when you are having fun. Taekwoon think he is having fun. Hongbin is an assault on his senses and he can't feel nothing else.

No…

That's a lie.

There is this low buzz that became an insistent warmth on his limbs, everything is heightened and he feels just so jittery… So usteady is like…

He can do anything at all.

Anything.

But he doesn't want to do anything other than stay here… and let Hongbin use him as much as he wants because his body feels so hot all over…

Is this how Hongbin feels all the time in his own skin?

It's…

So overwhelming…

Hongbin slides his hands over his clothed arms and it feels like a million touches making everything numb and he moans because that's all he can manage.

His clothes feel like too much.

His skin feels like too much.

His own blood pumping feels like too much.

He can hear it all… into his ears… into the marrow of his bones…

Like…

Fire…

His breath is all messed up, the world feels blurry so he just closes his eyes… How can Hongbin be so well? He is only mildly shaking and his eyes look so much darker than usual…

Like a demon.

He might as well lose his soul tonight.

_Good._

_Take it._

“Did you like it? It's nice right? But you can't take too many, you may overdose, alright?” His voice sounds too loud, too close, to breathy and too warm it's… How can he…

He gasps loudly as he feels Hongbin's hand sliding against his crotch… He said he wouldn't, he wouldn't… But…

It burns. Everything.

Everything Hongbin touches might as well be on fire but he can't see his eyes are closed and it feels _so good… Just… So… so good… it's…_

But then there's a sound and it's like he is watching everything from the outside… An observer of his own body. What just happened? They are not sitting anymore… How did they… _When_ did they…? Hongbin is over the table and he…

What is he doing? He is holding Hongbin down? Is this it?

He threw Hongbin on the table? But can he really do that? Can he? He doesn't know… if he has the strength to… throw a person like this…

Oh, but wait.

Hongbin just made a sound? Where are his hands? What is he doing exactly?

Ok so one hand is at Hongbin's neck... and the other? He can't see the other but his knee is brushing against Hongbin's crotch… was the sound a moan or… Did he… hurt him just now?

He can't tell but…

“I-I’m sorry!” That's right, back off… Stay away from him or you'll hurt him…

Like you did…

To that woman…

_No._

Will you kill him too?

_No!_

Are you sure? Do you love him? He loves you… But you don't deserve him, do you?

_I-I…_

You think you do?

There is only white noise then, far away he can hear Hongbin sitting, asking if he is okay… _Hyung_?

The world starts clearing up, he can see again, Hongbin comes into focus, he seems so worried… His own breath comes to his ears, so loud, so shaky… he blinks water in his eyes and covers his face with both hands to keep the light _out_.

Monsters can't be in the light, what else is he? He shot that woman, he shot her.

He _shot her…_

“I did… I shot her…” Hongbin frowns. _Shot who? Hyung?_

Admit it.

You enjoyed, you like the blood. You _like it._

_Say it! Say you do! Stop lying!_

Hongbin is on him, holding him, hugging him tightly… he says he is sorry… Sorry for what?

Does he think Taekwoon is broken too? Does he?

Is that why he is sorry?

Taekwoon hugs him back, Hongbin is warm… He smells nice, he is alive and breathing… That's good.

That's all that matters.

“I'll die without you Hongbinnie…” it's fine, all the pain has numbed out… It's alright again.

Hongbin is looking at him with wide eyes, then a wide smile, his eyes crinkling and his head tilting to one side like he does when he thinks something is endearing.

He kisses the tears away. “I love you… Why did you stop? You threw me over the table, it felt so nice.” Kisses, kisses so light Taekwoon almost can't feel them, he need bruises… Bruises, not tenderness. “Are you ok? You should rest. Go to bed I'll meet you in a few hours ok?”

He accepts because he always accepts and he leaves because that's what he should do after being told to go.

Now where is his room? He doesn't remember… he came here from Wonshik's room and his mind is a little more than a blotch of color over canvas at the moment… Maybe he should see Wonshik, he is always stable and grounding…

He is already walking actually, but that's not the direction he took to Wonshik's room… At least he thinks so, but there is something shiny outside the window and he is curious.

He just saw it out of the window and now he has to find a door, right? To leave the house he has to find a door, right?

There is a door downstairs he can remember that, it's a door to the garden, the garden is outside. It's good enough. Now downstairs…

The living room is all dark and he has to touch his way through the walls… He hit something, this something fell and broke into pieces, he heard it but didn’t saw… The sound of broken glass.

To be honest, Taekwoon was going to crouch down and touch whatever it is that he broke but… Someone just grabbed him, and he is thrown against the wall and an arm is against his neck and… He knows that smell. “Wonshik…?” The arm is gone and he heard something similar to _shit_ but he may be wrong anyway. Wonshik is touching his face in a second and he closes his eyes and scrunches his nose because Wonshik's hands are so calloused.

Then the hands too, are gone. “Hyung? Shit man! Why you walking in the dark dropping stuff?” Wonshik is still feeling him up and it tickles, hands on his shoulders, down his arms, aimlessly around his chest. Hurried as if trying to convince himself that it really is Taekwoon standing there. “Shit. I almost broke your arm!” Taekwoon giggles at how worked up Wonshik is because of nothing.

He stills Wonshik's hands with his own. Holding him weakly to making him stop touching him, it really tickles. “I was trying to go outside.”

The silence, the hands are gone and the body in front of him is too, a second and the lights are on, Wonshik standing beside the switch looking at him with his eyes looking he just saw a ghost. “Holy shit! Hyung what the fuck is happening with all this blood?” _Oh… yeah, right._ Taekwoon looks down at his clothes as if surprised, indeed he is all bloody and messed up. Poor Wonshik must be worried.

So he smiles. “Hongbin.” Wonshik’s shoulders deflate like a balloon and he is back at looking annoyed because _fuck._

“You got me so worried for a second I almost got my gun…” Wonshik sighs and sits down the couch, Taekwoon walks to him to sit beside him.

One set of giggles has Wonshik looking particularly and pointlessly annoyed. He is never really annoyed with him, only worried. “You are very kind Wonshik-ah…” Taekwoon smiles and Wonshik does this awkward expression, scratching behind his neck with some reaction that looks very much like embarrassment. “Yeah… Just don't scare me like that ok?”

Taekwoon nods and Wonshik gives him a small smile, silence goes on because Taekwoon likes silence and Wonshik doesn't know what to say.

“Hongbin said he'll go on a business trip." Taekwoon starts playing with the pendant on his necklace, small and blue and shiny. “Why aren't you going with him?” That's a good question, the entire district knows Wonshik as ‘Ravi, the right hand of the Lee family’ he and Hongbin are the closest to friends both of them can ever get and Taekwoon wants them to be fine. They are all family after all.

Right?

“I messed up… I can't be okay with Hongbin until I pay my debt.” Messed what? Wonshik is so hardworking and reliable, he prioritizes work over anything else and obviously has a great sense of loyalty.

A wolf will always protect it's pack, even if this pack is not Wonshik's. Hongbin values Wonshik a lot and takes his word in consideration when making decisions.

His inner circle are the only ones he doesn't consider immediately disposable, the only ones he knows by name, the only ones he respects.

For a man that doesn't think twice before killing anyone, having him pay for hospital bills is _something._ “Besides, it's my job to keep you safe when he is away.”  He smiles and reaches for a bottle of whiskey someone left on the table, taking a swing directly from the bottle because he can’t afford to care about this kind of shit by now. He offers the bottle to Taekwoon who declines with a shake of head. “Disgusted? Come on, hyung~ I’m clean.” He laughs jokingly and Taekwoon touches his face to make him stop.

He does stop.

To frown.

“I know.” He leaves his hand fall down on the couch. His head hurts. Maybe he'll go to sleep after all. “Thank you… For keeping company. I appreciate it. I know how much you enjoy those business trips.”

He get on his feet to stumble on his own and almost fall, Wonshik is up to hold him steady in a second but Taekwoon just raises his hand to signal he is ok, he can walk by himself.

Wonshik stops and Taekwoon goes back to the hallway from where he came from. He is too tired to actually feel any pain. He will just go straight to bed, sleep and hope no dreams come this time.

He never saw what that light was.


	12. Cold

He acquired the habit of sleeping wearing as little clothes as possible. Possibly only his underwear.  Hongbin is too hot and likes to stay too close at night so clothes just end up being a burden. 

He hates sweating so less is more.

Tonight is no exception, he lays in bed with Hongbin on his back because being the little spoon makes him feel safe and Hongbin likes to sleep with his nose buried into the back of his head or his neck. Everyone wins like this.

Hongbin has his hand thrown over his hips and one leg between his in this invasive way that Taekwoon is used by now when a sound startles him awake. 

He was always a light sleeper, the kind to wake with the sound of rain or a particularly windy night. 

Tonight, none of it is happening though.

He feels tears on his face, and Hongbin is awake, on top of him, face too close. 

He just noticed his nails are drawing patterns into Hongbin's chest, so he stops, and his hands fall to the mattress uselessly. “I-I’m sorry…” His voice is cracking, he coughs to clear his throat but it doesn't work.

It's like he can't breathe.

It's the first night since his ‘dismissal’ from the hospital that he has nightmares, normally Hongbin keeps them away, his brain does not bother to make him dream with Hongbin by his side. 

“Are you ok hyung? Did something happen?” It's sudden but Hongbin feels too hot and he needs fresh air. He needs to distance himself from things and feel the  _ cold  _ he has been running from. Come into terms with the cold, let it sink into his bones and freeze his blood, freeze his heart.

He wants it.

But Hongbin is there and he is licking away his tears and again his tongue feels like liquid fire. “Hyung… I hate when you cry…” His words are a warning, a warning that he is going to get angry if he continues to cry like this… He holds his breath to stop and sits up bringing Hongbin partially on his lap in a weird angle, not very comfortable for any of them. 

“I'll be back in a second.” It's easier to remove Hongbin off him now that he sat up. 

As soon as he leaves the bed the cold night air hits him and he exhales, walking to the small balcony Hongbin always neglects because he simply sees no real reason to use it.

He never saw Hongbin there, not even to smoke. He smokes inside and doesn't even bother to open a window.

Going outside is like jumping in a pool without preparing yourself for the cold water, it envelops you like an entirely, and you can't breath for that one moment because cold is all you can feel, and you are scared of breathing in the water. 

Except here Taekwoon takes this huge intakes of cold expecting it to fill his burning insides. It works, to some extent, and he bends over the rail to close his eyes. His body has to return to it’s normal state, he has to be cold, that's part of him. A part he hates but a part nonetheless.

He stays like this until he can feel his breathing evening out, he is ok, his finger are blue and his lips are trembling and he feels like freezing but that's what he wanted, he is ok.

The sound of steps faintly catches his ears and he touches his own neck with his cold hands, it's surprising how neck feels cold too…  _ Good. _

Hongbin's arms snake around his waist as he hugs him from behind… They both hiss.

Hongbin feels too hot, feels like he can actually burn his skin, feels like boiling water…

And Taekwoon feels like a corpse left on the snow, bluish and frozen… But he is alive still, shaking and trembling as he is.  _ They are meant to fit. _

That's what Taekwoon thought… They are meant to be together.

“You feel so cold…” Hongbin would say something else but Taekwoon is turning into his arms and holding his neck…

They both hiss at the stark contrast of temperatures, but Taekwoon is walking backwards, to the rail, bringing his companion with him, just to sit over the edge and hook his legs around the other's waist. Hearing an approving sound as he does it. 

Hongbin's hands sliding up his legs, up his thighs… Resting on his ass. Taekwoon tilts his head to the side to offer a little more skin, his own hands on Hongbin's hair and neck. “I’m cold, Hongbinnie…” 

Hongbin chuckles, he was the one who decided to walk out wearing only his boxers and nothing else. “Isn't that why you walked outside?” Hongbin is only with his pants on, like he always is when sleeping but the cold doesn't bother him that much. Not like it does to Taekwoon. “It's your own fault.” 

Taekwoon makes an annoyed sound. “Warm me up Hongbinnie.” There is few things in this world that Hongbin loves more than Taekwoon being bashful… So he makes a warm sound on the back of his throat and bends in to kiss him like he should be kissed. Long and hard.

“How will you manage without me here to warm you up?” Taekwoon can't answer, he hates the idea of sleeping alone more than anything else, Hongbin knows that much. “Why don't you ask Wonshik? You like him.” 

Everything stills.

He does like Wonshik… but the attentive note in Hongbin's eyes suggest he should be very careful with his choice of words. But he isn't. “Scared?” There is a small smile playing on Taekwoon's lips as well as his voice as he says that and the way Hongbin narrows his eyes at him is not all that threatening.

But it is.

“Careful with your words… I don't like been played with.” One small push to his chest. Taekwoon is falling back.

Hongbin holds him from falling from the edge of the rail by his necklace, one hand clasped around the chain and smiling at the brief gasp of surprise that leaves Taekwoon’s lips. “Got it?”

The fall is not high enough for Taekwoon to die, but the small thrill into his blood pushes him to say things without thinking. “Let go… let me fall.” Hongbin tilts his head to one side, his messy hair covering his eyes in such a way that his thoughts are hidden as well. “If you can't trust me then let me fall… I will do my best to die and leave a pretty stain on your floor.” 

Hongbin makes an indistinct sound, a sound that carries no emotion in itself. He is pulling Taekwoon back and moving to throw him on the floor. 

He bruises both knees and one elbow in the fall, it burns… But he has no time to mourn over this minor wounds, Hongbin is pulling him up again by the hair, throwing him against the glass door, it makes a sound but it doesn't break. “Since when you talk back to me? Huh?” He keeps Taekwoon in place, hold on his neck strong, but not enough to bruise. 

Tonight seems to be a night for half threats. 

But he remembers it now. Hongbin is made of violence, and that's all that really defines him.

Violence and harsh words. 

Violence and hurtful touches.

Violence and sexual desire. 

“Can’t I?” The hold Hongbin has on him lightens a bit, he starts smiling again, all the darkness from seconds ago melting into soft acceptance. Taekwoon only breathes and coughs a little as Hongbin pats his back soothingly.

“Of course you can hyung… I like when you get confident you know that.” Hongbin seems to notice the bruises only now. “Oh? I forgot how delicate you are… let me kiss it better.” There he is, kneeling down to kiss the bruises on Taekwoon's knees with moist lips and it hurts, it burns and it stings like putting salt over fresh wounds. 

Taekwoon only hisses in silence. “All better…” Hongbin is sitting on the floor, head resting against his thigh so innocently it's easy to forget he was hanging him by his necklace a few seconds ago. “I love you hyung.” 

Taekwoon is tired, he wants to go back to sleep. “I love you too, Hongbinnie.”

“Only me?” Taekwoon looks down at the man sitting on his feet, caressing his calves in gentle fondness. He looks so small like this.

He blinks once. Twice just to make sure he is not dreaming. “Only you… Always only you.” A beautiful smile graces Hongbin's features and Taekwoon can't help but to smile back.

Of course there is only him.

Always… Always only him.

 

**~×~**

 

The next day he wakes alone in bed with a drug-induced hangover that feels like a truck hitting the back of his head again and again and again...

Fine. He  _ will  _ rise from bed and go find some medicine for that.

So up from the cold bed, stealing a sweater from Hongbin's wardrobe, fuck finding pants, his knees hurt like hell. Out of the room in this sweater that barely covers his thighs, he in too much pain to care about anything.

Hongbin is gone, once he finds some medicine he will see the messages Hongbin surely sent him on the phone. 

But now he just wants something to soothe the pain. 

What time is it now?  _ Fuck it. _

And then he bumps into Wonshik's chest and watches as mortifiedly as a man in so much pain can be as Wonshik spills almost his entire cup of coffee over himself. 

Hot coffee if Wonshik's sound of pain is something to go by.  _ Fuck _ , he said. 

Taekwoon needs that aspirin to live, but he will do something to help so he is getting Wonshik by the sleeve of his ruined shirt and dragging him back into the kitchen, wincing at the too loud ‘ _ what the fuck hyung! _ ’ Wonshik throws at him.

He is too busy trying to find a pill in his pained state of conscience to actually  _ see  _ Wonshik taking his stained shirt off. He swallows down two pills before even turning to Wonshik and ask himself  _ when  _ he got shirtless. “I'm sorry, Wonshik-ah…” pain is happening still, it will continue to happen for 20 minutes until the pills start doing what they should but he is  _ trying  _ to  _ concentrate  _ so he just stares at Wonshik until he starts getting a little awkward.

“Are you okay, hyung…?” There's this angry red mark on Wonshik skin from where the coffee burnt him. Taekwoon can't think sentences with more than two words now, but if he could, he would be apologizing properly. 

Instead he just touches the mark with his cold fingers and Wonshik looks at the bruises on his knees. “Did Hongbin…?”

“Death threats…and… Drugs.” he shuts his eyes then, it hurts so much… Why? Wonshik is touching  him, petting his head nicely, he doesn't even look mad… it's like this excuse of an answer Taekwoon offered is enough to explain everything.

But it isn't. 

Wonshik guides him to sit down a bit too roughly because he doesn't know to be careful or delicate. Taekwoon can only think he has work to do, and work can't be done when his head feels like exploding. “ _ Fuck… _ ” Wonshik looks at him so shocked Taekwoon almost starts looking for bruises, he tends to bruise himself when he gets too stressed or anxious… 

But Wonshik is talking again and Taekwoon would laugh if he wasn't in so much pain. “You cursed…” Taekwoon only squints his eyes at him, nodding with something similar to confusion. The medication is starting to work thank  _ God. _

“I do that sometimes.” Wonshik goes back to feeling stupid then. Of course he does that, he is an adult man and a lawyer. “Yeah I… Sorry hyung. I sometimes forget you are not an angel as you seems to be.” for a lack of better words or any actual words, Taekwoon only pats Wonshik's shoulder soothingly. It's the best comfort he can offer now.

But now he remembers there are some issues he has to address to… and since Wonshik is here. “Wonshik-ah…” Wonshik hums at him and Taekwoon sits at the counter because he can tolerate the pain if he keeps his eyes closed and stay still. “Can I sleep with you? I hate sleeping alone, I… I know it's weird and if you can't, forget it but… I just hate sleeping alone.” Wonshik is paying more attention to the fact that Taekwoon said a sentence this big than the question itself. “Hongbin said I should ask you but… you don't have to… if you don't want…” the words start dying on his lips and he lowers his head to worry his lips between teeth like he does when he gets shy about things and Wonshik thinks he is kind of funny. 

Maybe… kinda.

“No problem hyung. I don't mind.” Taekwoon nods and regrets instantly, holding his head with his hand like the world just started to shake.

Taekwoon groans but it sounds more like a weak moan. “I have work to do…” 

“I don't think you should hyung.” Wonshik is serving another cup of coffee taken the other is shattered in the hallway.  “You should rest. Hongbin is going to be out the entire week, you can do nothing today, you know Hakyeon would give you an earful for going to work as you are.” Taekwoon nods, it makes sense. Only now he came to notice the scar from the time he stitched Wonshik up, it's a pretty ugly scar, and it still looks tender, even after all this time. 

Wonshik follows his eyes and covers the scar a bit self-consciously offering a light chuckle. “See? I didn't die.” 

“Yeah, I see that…” a moment of silence. “Wonshik-ah… I'm tired I'm going to take a nap. Warn me if Hakyeon decides to call.” Taekwoon leaves the counter with a deep breathe, walking down the hallway. 

To sleep.

Wonshik remembers he has to change his shirt, there is a meeting to go and he's already late.


	13. Friends

Wonshik hates meetings. 

H e mostly leaves Hakyeon do all the talking. He can be the Lee's right hand, but he is just a gardener, and aside from that a good interrogator. Not good with words as he is with fists. 

Hakyeon doesn't expect him to be eloquent or articulated in his tracks of thought. He expects nothing at all. Only quiet nods and harsh whispers telling him if Hongbin would approve certain things or not. 

It's not a secret meetings make Wonshik irritable and tired. The roundabouts necessary for politics and the euphemisms contained in every sentence make him click his tongue and roll his eyes too much in such a short timespan. 

In the end the meeting is over with Hakyeon’s iron resolve getting them everything Hongbin wants  once again . The cold sweat on the negotiators hand proves he knows he could have gotten out with worse, maybe not gotten out at all. “Are you sad Hongbinnie took Hyogi and not you, Shikie?” Hakyeon's voice is kind as always but now there's is no real motive other than his motherish tendencies making him be too gentle in his ways. 

Wonshik uncrosses his arms finally after five and a half hours of irritation and icy stares coated in sweet words. “No. I asked to stay. Didn't pay my debt to kitten yet.” 

Hakyeon smiles. “You and that honor of yours… Now what? Will you take a bullet for him?” Hakyeon signs his papers and offers them for Wonshik to do the same, after all he is the representative of Hongbin's firm while he is away. 

“That would be the easiest way. But I doubt anyone would try to get to Taekwoon after Hongbin told Jaehwan to scatter pieces of those who did it around town.” Wonshik signs without reading because reading is not his thing and Hakyeon is trustworthy enough to be careful with the things he tells him to sign.

It's true, not many are willing to anger Hongbin when his business is what keeps this city alive and breathing. “Hongbinnie surely likes Taekitten… But I guess we all do.” 

Wonshik doesn't know. He can't understand this things well. “I guess.” Silence. 

Then he remembers.

It's already dark, he promised Taekwoon he would be there to keep him company as he sleeps… Well, not with this many words, but that's what be said in his head at least. “ Shit! ”

Hakyeon looks at him, frowning. “What? Something happened?” He already had his phone in hand but Wonshik just shakes his head, fetching his coat on his out and shouting over his shoulder. “Have to put the kitten to sleep! Sorry I’ll just take my bike.” He takes the stairs and Hakyeon wonders briefly if Wonshik remembers they are on the tenth floor.

Maybe he doesn't.

He just laughs.

They do like Taekwoonnie.

It's nice to know Wonshik made a new friend, he has so few of them.

 

** ~×~ **

 

Wonshik barges inside and Taekwoon has little time to pretend he is not surprised. He has been reading some paperwork on the last few hours and completely forgot he should maybe sleep. In all honesty work keeps his mind busy and the hallucinations away. Which is great.

Better than sleeping, sleeping has nightmares. “Wonshik-ah?”

Wonshik looks out of breath, his hair looks like he just went out of a fight in a bar with a drunken old sailor and a cat. “Sorry hyung…”  Panting sounds. “I totally…”  Another pant.  “Forgot I should…”  Yet another pant.  “Come keep you company.” Good. The entire phrase. 

Taekwoon blinks silently at the man by the door. Was he… Did he really… ? “Wonshik-ah… Did you run all the way here?” 

“No… Are you ok, hyung?” He's still panting but at least he can form phrases. Taekwoon nods and Wonshik slumps against the wall. Funny how someone so heartless can be so worried.  

Taekwoon thinks he is very nice. Even if very crazy. “I forgot… I should sleep. Sorry to bother you, Wonshik-ah.” 

He watches Wonshik shaking his head and getting rid of his shirt, rolling his shoulder because he bumped into many things and/or people on his way to this room. 

“Don’t worry, go to sleep I'll be there in a second, I'll just take a bath first… Man, I'm fucking tired.” Wonshik indeed looks stiff but Taekwoon is not one to comment things out loud. He only just lays in bed wearing some sweater he stole from Hongbin's wardrobe and some boxers because sleeping wearing pants feels weird now. 

Generally both rooms look the same, except Wonshik’s one doesn't have that lingering smell of smoke and the assortment of papers over the table or books on the shelves. Aside from that they are very much alike. 

Despite Hongbin's position as the house’s boss, he is not one to show off his money around in the form of sumptuous rooms and expensive cars. The mansion in itself has rooms very much similar in size, and even if his one is called  master bedroom it's not much different from all the other rooms he gives to his inner circle. 

The ways Hongbin chooses to show power are much more subtle and humiliating than the mere size of rooms. He doesn't need that.

When the mattress dip Taekwoon startles visibly, but Wonshik pays him no mind, he lays down heavily with one loud yawn and an arm over his own eyes. 

On his side of the bed Taekwoon busies himself in being as small as possible, maybe for the inherent fear he always has of being a disturbance since even before working for Hongbin and his killers. Something to do with the fact he was an extremely clumsy child and teenager. 

He has no grace, but grace is not a trait for him to have, that's Hakyeon's job. 

Grace is not a trait valued by Wonshik or any other person on the inner circle. Not even Hakyeon himself.

So it comes as no surprise when Wonshik, the least graceful of them all, finds it weird him curling himself in such a cornered space of such a large bed. He may kick people as he sleeps but that's only when he's too drunk, and he is not drunk at all tonight. He can't be drunk on business nights.  

Even he knows that.

So he dares his boundaries by pulling Taekwoon more to the middle of the bed, he will fall staying so on the edge like this. Taekwoon makes a funny noise when Wonshik pulls him with an arm on his middle (similar to the noise a dog makes when you step on its tail) and goes stiff for a few seconds until Wonshik explains what he is actually trying to achieve in this. “You'll fall like this, come more to the middle of the bed.” it's instantaneous, the way Taekwoon melts against the mattress as if relieved, Wonshik would snort if he wasn't so very tired. 

Wonshik proceeds to take his arm off from around his bedmate’s waist but said bedmate holds his arm in place with his own, sputtering a bunch of words he has to say again, slower this time, so Wonshik can understand. “I don't mind… It helps.”  With the nightmares. He would say, but there's no need for further explanations. He receives a knowing hum and Wonshik's arm stills where it's placed around his body. 

He can sleep like this, even if Wonshik falls asleep almost instantaneously, even if he feels different from Hongbin. 

Wonshik has no urge to be near him, he doesn't love him in any way but Taekwoon likes to think of them as friends. He has little friends now, only the inner circle. 

He can name Wonshik's smell now, it's the same smell he gets from Hongbin, but different. 

It smells like home.

 

** ~×~ **

 

Next day he wakes alone, the urge to know where Hongbin is almost as painful as knowing he won't have an answer to that question. 

He toys around with his necklace, blue stone sliding between fingers and repeatedly falling to the bed. At some point, Wonshik got up and went out, sneakily enough for him not noticing a thing. That’s something.

Taekwoon looks at the nearest wall and... Oh… the moth is there… is it the same moth from last time? How come this moth always ends stuck in a spiderweb? 

Funny thing is: he never noticed that spiderweb in there until now… He has to speak with the servants, they have clean those corners better… 

He has some paperwork to take care of, but he can do that here… Leaving the house seems… unproductive.

He misses Hongbin a little more, and watches the moth silently accepting it's own fate and staying very still in the middle of that pretty spiderweb. 

Today seems to be a slow day… Maybe he should text Hongbin? But what if he is working…?

Maybe… just one text to wish him good morning. 

He is feeling very lonely after all. 

~

Good morning Hongbinnie.

~

That's all he has the chance to write, Hongbin calls him almost immediately and Taekwoon picks after a few seconds of confusion. “Hongbinnie?” He turns on the bed, leaves the phone on speaker. Weirdly, the bruises on his knees help with the feeling of loss.

Hongbin speaks a little breathlessly on the phone, he was probably busy when the message took his attention entirely. “Hyung? Is everything alright?” Taekwoon is just nodding until he remembers he can't see him from the phone. That brings a new wave of loneliness to him.

“Yeah. I'm fine.” He takes Wonshik's pillow to hug it, he just likes to hug pillows, they are soft and more often than not, they smell like shampoo. “I miss you.” 

Hongbin makes a sound. “Oh hyung, don't say that, I have work to do. I can't do it if I keep thinking of you.” It's not like he wouldn't think of Taekwoon anyway, but this kind of makes him impatient, and impatient people make mistakes. “I miss you too… it's only one day, but sleeping without you was terrible.” 

Taekwoon smiles, Hongbin is so silly… He is an adult, he can get someone to sleep on his bed. Of course he can, it doesn't have to be Taekwoon. 

Wonshik's pillow smells like his soap, it's very nice.

“I love you hyung.” Hongbin’s voice sounds like his smile, his pretty smile that will ruin this city. “Is Wonshik treating you right?” 

Wonshik? “Yeah, he's very kind Hongbinnie… But he’s not you.” He's not. Taekwoon surely doesn't love him, he is a good friend and way to keep himself steady, but that's not love, that's not codependence. Hongbin hums and Taekwoon remembers of all the paperwork he has to do.

He almost forgot 

“No, he's not. But you can use him until I get back. I know he won't mind.”  Use him? How so?  “I know you love me, I wouldn't make you go without anyone to satisfy you for an entire week.” Taekwoon feels the shame creeping it's way to his cheeks. “Send me some photos, ok?” 

What?

What can be said at moments like this? Nothing. “Oh, have to go. Sanghyuk is sending hello.” Silence. “I love you, hyung. You love me, right?” 

Taekwoon blinks away his confusion then. “Yes, of course Hongbinnie.” 

“Say it, then.” Hongbin's voice is a mix of authoritative and mellow, a very interesting combination really.

He has no reason to deny any of Hongbin's wishes, specially when it's true. “I love you.” The silence on the other side of the line indicates Hongbin took a few moments to smile, Taekwoon holds the pendant between his fingers, it's such a pretty stone. “I have to go, hyung. Be careful ok? I'll bring some pretty gifts for you.” 

There's no need for any more words for the line is already dead, but even then Taekwoon mumbles a soft  alright  to no one in particular. The  spiderweb vanished again. How? He is completely sure it's the same moth, it's the only moth capable of escaping a spiderweb after caught. An impressive moth, really.

He rises from bed and pads downstairs to grab a cup of coffee and a toast. There's no one there, as expected.

The coffee is not cold, but it's lukewarm and that's even worse. Good thing Taekwoon is not all that picky about food.

He makes his toast in silent concentration, he tends to get too absorbed by any activities he decides to engage in, that involving making toasts. He is an extremely focused lawyer and person. In court as in life, as an old friend, Kiseop, would say. It's a shame he lost contact with Kiseop entirely, they used to be very good friends… Well, that before he started working for Hongbin and everything just kind followed this downward spiral into the current situation.

If anything he thinks he is happier now. Now he accepted Hongbin's love and started reciprocating. Good things came with it, like this strong sense of belonging he has most of the time.

Most  of the time.

But now he has hands on his hips and he jolts so strongly he almost throws the toast out of the window.  Goddamnit.

Deep chuckles fill his ears and he relaxes visibly. “Easy there, hyung.” He grumbles one angry noise and bends to get his flying toast from where it landed near the windowsill. Wonshik shuffles back to sit on the kitchen counter. “Slept well?” 

He burns his fingers twice in the process of moving the toast to the plate he had previously separated for it. “Yeah. Thank you for letting me sleep with you… It must sound childish of me… being afraid of sleeping alone.” Wonshik hums and shakes his head with that small smile of his, the one he uses when he finds something amusing. 

“Nah, I don't mind.” He hops off the counter go steal a bite of Taekwoon's toast. “Consider it payment.” Great. Now he is speaking with his mouth full.

Taekwoon scowls. “Wonshik-ah~ What the hell?” Wonshik chuckles lightly, not even trying to justify himself when Taekwoon hits his arm without any real intention of hurting him. He is the one who likes hurting people, not Taekwoon.

He is still chuckling when he says. “You want it back?” He pokes his tongue out with the remainings of a chewed toast amorphous and covered in spit. Taekwoon's scowl only deepens.

He mutely hits Wonshik's arm again, a little stronger this time. Muttering one quiet  disgusting  under his breath, pushing the plate into Wonshik's hand with a sigh and turning to make another toast. 

Wonshik accepts the plate without any ceremony, sitting on the counter again. “You have work to do today?” Taekwoon just nods, he has many things to take care of. All this process of removing Hongbin's capital from the market left the law department of the company in a pitiful state. Hakyeon doesn't bear any of them, and things must be put back in order.

Enough rest, now work.

He has a pile of paper to put back into order and a department to organize, or else Hakyeon might just fire everyone out of frustration. Thing is: they need them to look convincing and, more importantly,  legal .

“I’ll try to come back home earlier and get you before you sleep, ok?” Taekwoon is holding his second toast, and only hums in response. Wonshik puts his arms around him to twirl them around the kitchen. Intimacy is such a terrible thing.

Once you have it, there is no backing out anymore.

But Taekwoon thinks after spooning, it’d be too hypocritical of him to be all serious because of a hug. Even so… “Wonshik-ah… If I drop my toast I'll break this plate on your head.” He meant it as a joke, but his face, as always, gives too little information.  Wonshik stops, anyway. 

“You’re starting to sound like Hongbin, hyung.” Taekwoon makes a sound and Wonshik just can't avoid the joke that succeeds. “I guess you are what you eat after all.” Taekwoon goes completely stiff and Wonshik backs off immediately. Silence stretches, Wonshik's mouth hangs open as he formulates an apology, but he has no time, Taekwoon hangs his head... and his hands… Where should he put them? He doesn't know. 

He just leaves. And the toast and the coffee are left behind with a still confused Wonshik that now has no one to apologize to.

He runs his hands across his face with a sigh, muttering a very self-loathing  shit  under his breath.

He fucked up. 

Now what?

Shit.


	14. Bandages

Taekwoon goes to work because he has to, suit and tie all in place, hair brushed back neatly as he enters the company’s car, cellphone in hand, steeling his mind to the upcoming events.

He could ignore everything and keep working from inside his room, but no.

His sense of responsibility is bigger than his desire to stay inside his room for the rest of his life.

 

It may be cold outside, but the office is stuffy and smells like humanity.

The air-conditioning system broke and no one thought that warning Hakyeon would be the next step in the chain of getting things fixed.

No.

Fuck fixing things.

The windows are sealed…

Because they should have an air-conditioner.

Unbelievable.

Work is work and it has to be done despite the room's temperature. So be hangs his suit on the chair and undoes his tie, rolls up his sleeves and gets a pen.

His table has so many things on top and his phone has so many missed messages recorded he can't do much other than sit and take one thing at a time.

Calls first, papers second, sticky notes for last.

It’s not long before Taekwoon is interrupted by a very anxious co-worker holding a stack of paper in one hand and his phone on the other. Taekwoon takes the phone first. “Yes?”

“Who is it this time? I told you all, I want to be payed for the damage your stupid financial move caused to my company. It's contract violation and I will see you all in court!” Taekwoon hums mildly.

It was expected that Hongbin’s little idea had consequences of some sort. People get really angry when you mess with their money.

“Then you should call the financial department and talk to Mr.Cha, he is the one dealing with money here.” He leaves the call on speakers and continues to make corrections on the obscene pile of paper not-so-organized over his table, using red as Hakyeon asked him to, mildly making comments as the man keeps venting his frustrations. Ironically that only seems to make the man angrier.

Taekwoon has very little to offer other then that's Mr.Cha business, not mine.

He has to actually call Hakyeon and ask him to come down, which Hakyeon does. “Oh! Taekwoonnie, you're back! I'm glad… Why is it so hot in here?” He frowns and Taekwoon mentions the broken air-conditioning system. Hakyeon asks why he never heard a word about that and Taekwoon shrugs, he doesn't know as well.

“So… What's the problem?” Hakyeon smiles friendly, sitting on Taekwoon's table and dropping his penholder to the floor, but the table's owner does not bother with small things such as that, only points the phone as he keeps writing down on the sheet of printed paper on his hands. “Say Mister, what exactly is so important you must bring me out if my office?”

“As I was saying to your employee-” but Hakyeon is already cutting in, because he doesn't care in the least about this man's problem.

“He is not my employee, but go on.” Taekwoon watches as Hakyeon starts dangling his legs, the glass tabletop allows him to see the formal shoes rocking back and forth alternately.

The man makes an angry pause before continuing. “As I was saying… My company was heavily impacted by your little financial retreat. That little move of yours counts as a contractual violation, and if you don't repay a fine for that lost money I shall meet you all in court.” Hakyeon doesn't try to conceal his snicker, nor the way he mutters fucking incredible under his breath.

His answer comes simple and quick. “By all means, please do. Sue us to get your justice will you? Thank you for calling.” He turns off the phone and turns to Taekwoon, who's still writing down on papers. “I'm happy you're back Taekwoonnie. Call me if anything else happens.” Hakyeon hops off the table and leaves the room while fixing his suit.

He is back at working for something like half an hour when a man in a wheelchair goes inside to stop directly in front of his table. “Hi.” He says, he has a remotely long hair, for a business man, and thick-framed glasses that make him look like the image of a stereotyped nerd, aside from the bracers, he wears no bracers, even if his teeth are a little weird and he looks like a rabbit.

Taekwoon directs his eyes to the man, then to his extended hand, hand that he takes, albeit a little too carefully, in a quick handshake. “Good afternoon… You are?” The man smiles casually like he just realized a thing and is feeling ashamed of saying it out loud.

“Yeah, right… Almost forgot we don't know each other. I’m Shin Dongwoo. Most just calls me Shinwoo.” He retreats his hand, seemingly pleased with the fact that Taekwoon just shook without looking disgusted. “You must have heard of me.”

He marginally remembers something about a Shinwoo. He knows he works for Jinyoung’s family. That's already a character flaw that leaves a terrible first impression, for Taekwoon at least. He hums mildly, looking at this Shinwoo guy sitting on his wheelchair with a amicable look on his face. “I was supposed to talk to Hakyeon but to be honest the guy is a pain in the ass. No offense.” He chuckles, very friendly and a little slow. Something about him leaves time for Taekwoon to get used to him whenever he speaks. “So I’ll just leave this signed papers with you, I'm sure you see him often right? Thank you anyway, you're not aggressive like the rest of them, that's nice.” Taekwoon receives the papers with a silent, careful nod. He'll do it, only because that Shinwoo person is actually quite polite, and is not pressing him and urging him to do things. Taekwoon takes the papers and Shinwoo yawns and stretches. “Thank you for your time Taekwoon.” Then he is spinning his wheelchair and making his way back to the door, whispering row row your boat under his breath and chuckling softly as he almost misses and hits the water filter.

Shinwoo is nice, Taekwoon doesn't hate him. Just like Baro, but Baro has a certain sadness to him Shinwoo doesn't.

Even though Shinwoo’s inexperience with his wheelchair shows he was not born using it but rather ended up in it.

Well he'll have to give this papers to Hakyeon at some point, but now he has more work to take care of.

Maybe he won't have time for lunch today.

 

**~×~**

 

He's home even later than expected.

Tonight was night out and Wonshik has some business to attend, payments to collect downtown. Hakyeon called and said he and Jaehwan wanted to go out and have a drink, even if it's fucking cold and pouring and generally such a crappy day to go out.

Still…

He goes.

And now he returns, smelling like shots and shots, aching for a bath and aching in general.

Taekwoon is sitting on the bed, a cigarette in one hands and typing on his phone with the other, frowning lightly and blowing smoke out of his nostrils. “Hyung?” He turns his head to look at Wonshik by the door with a messy hair and a guilty look on his face.

“Look… I'm sorry about today I… Well, sometimes I say stupid shit but I don't mean it, ok?”

Wonshik’s voice sounds a bit dragged, he must be drunk. Taekwoon nods because he is not mad exactly, it's more like embarrassed or ashamed… Taekwoon is never really mad at anyone, not really.

After the nod, Wonshik steps inside carefully and Taekwoon's eyes return to his cellphone's screen, typing away with someone Wonshik doesn't know nor cares about knowing.

He walks to the bathroom and steps out of his shoes on his way there, getting rid of this black shirt and checking if all his earrings are still in their right place. They are, and the silence is so constant Wonshik almost forgets about Taekwoon’s presence.

The warm water is a blessing and he checks for any bruises or anything else, things like that don't sting anymore so he has to check. There is one small cut under his left arm, but it's just a little scratch, nothing serious. Did he get a change of clothes to wear? He didn't, did he? He can't remember bringing anything. He went straight to bath, right after stepping inside. Fuck.

Ok, one thing at a time. First he will wash up and then he will think about clothes. So he washes his hair, body and under his nails, taking a little longer staying under the spray of hot water just to untangle the bundles of nerves all around his tense shoulders and back.

By the time he leaves he is considerably less drunk and not smelling so much like alcohol and tobacco. Taekwoon is still typing, but he finished his cigarette that remains in the ashtray on a corner. “Hyung, shouldn't you sleep?” Taekwoon raises his eyes from his screen briefly to nod and leave his phone on the nightstand. “How was your day?” He shuffles around his wardrobe, trying to engage some casual conversation. Taekwoon is holding the back of his knees and bringing them to his chest. He is wearing a different sweater today, this one is creamy colored and it's made of wool. Underneath he is wearing only a pair of boxers, as per usual.

“Normal.” He hears Taekwoon saying in that soft voice of his. “Busy.” His fingers keep toying with the pendant hanging from his neck, looking tired but not enough to make him lay down on the bed properly.

The towel falls to the floor and Wonshik hums, Taekwoon keeps his eyes trained down until he feels the bed shifting and Wonshik falling face first right beside him. “What about you?” Wonshik makes a sound resembling a grumble from inside him pillow, moving only when he needs to breathe.

Taekwoon hears him mumbling one same old with his eyes closed and he takes that indication to turn off the lights, laying down carefully and settling against his pillow. His eyes are just getting used to darkness when he feels more than sees Wonshik's arm around his middle, pulling his back to his chest.

Taekwoon gasps a little surprised, Wonshik hums against his neck. “You smell nice.” He hears Wonshik mumbling against his neck. “I’ll be out tomorrow night… it's Fight Friday.” What is that? “I will need some patch ups.” He chuckles and the vibration of his chest echoes into Taekwoon's back.

It's pleasant but it only makes him remember Hongbin more. If Wonshik doesn't speak, he can almost be at peace. The peace only Hongbin can bring him.

But it's nice like this too.

Wonshik is a different kind of home.

The one where your friends are, not where where your love is.

It's nice anyway, it feels safe anyway.

He is not complaining.

He sleeps with Wonshik mouthing a goodnight distractedly against his neck.

 

**~×~**

 

When he said patch ups he never imagined this.

He was sitting on the balcony with a menthol cigarette between his finger thinking about how fucking ridiculous this specific flavored cigarettes were when Wonshik staggered inside, bruised and battered and bleeding. “Hi.” he says with a small wave of hand and the first aid kit under his arm.

Fight Friday he said.

Ok…

Taekwoon doesn't move from the rail, only indicates for Wonshik to come closer. He does. His left eye is swollen, his nose is bleeding and he keeps sniffing as if that would change a thing. Aside from that he has small cuts and rashes all over his torso and innumerable blood stains everywhere.

Is he walking funny? Jesus Christ…

The first aid kit is left on the rail alongside Taekwoon so he can use it. “You should take a bath first.” Wonshik looks at him then, sniffing again, the blood of his nose dryed up and he is clearly sniffing on nothing by this point.

“Nah. I’ll do it tomorrow, I'm not even that sweaty like… At some point we fell on a pool. I'm like, 70% clean.” Taekwoon only silently helps him off his off his shirt and watches him wince as dryed up blood gets stuck into fabric. He has no time to offer a little antiseptic to help melt down the blood so the shirt will come off easily for Wonshik is just ripping everything off and making himself bleed again.

A sigh. Instead of complaining, he gets some cotton balls and a pair of tweezers to clean everything up. “Does Hakyeon know about this?” Wonshik chuckles and whimpers. Taekwoon is spraying some dark antiseptic stuff into his wounds and it stings like a bitch.

“No. Mom doesn't know.” Taekwoon raised his eyes with a small amused glint in them. “What? He is.” There is a mocking grin on his face as his companion tends his wounds with cotton and that dark thing he remembers seeing before but doesn't remember the name. “I'm not saying anything.” Taekwoon mentions defensively, making a few bandages for his wounds, gluing them in place with careful fingers.

Wonshik leaves his hands resting on Taekwoon's thighs, he is standing between them after all.

No one says anything about that. “Now your face.” being face to face is a little harder, Wonshik is just so emphatic about sustaining eye contact it's a little bothering really. The problem is, he is too comfortable with Taekwoon around him, so every time theirs eyes meet he smiles a little and it's a good time to notice just how close they are.

In all honesty the closeness does not bother Taekwoon in the least, even if tonight Wonshik smells like antiseptic and dryed up blood, it's not a problem. “Your eye is swollen, you should put some ice on it.”

Because he is very funny and amazing, Wonshik reaches for his hand and places it over his eye, that small smile in place, the one he uses when he is trying hard not to laugh. “Done.” The frown on Taekwoon's face turns into a scowl and he takes his hand off Wonshik's eye to pinch him as he laughs and complains about the pain all at once.

In a second Taekwoon is hopping off the rail and their chests brush because Wonshik is not moving to give way for him to pass and when he tries he is hugged and spun around like a ragdoll.  “Come on~ hyung. I need you, don't be like that.” Taekwoon is vastly more concerned about the wounds opening again than the fact that he is being lifted in the air with Wonshik’s laugh filling his ears. “Put me down before you start bleeding again!”

Wonshik does put him down when the cut on his side gives a very nasty pull on his muscles and he has to curl into himself a little. In theory, no one should use weapons of any kind on Fight Friday, but let’s just say thieves and killers don’t give a shit about rules.

He is an old fashioned man, a creature of habits, working by a code no one else follows.

He likes hurting people and destroying beautiful things, that’s true, but he has his own rules, the rules with which he lives by.

In the end, Wonshik is a weird man. A weird man of weird habits.

Taekwoon holds him steady as he clutches at his side, breathing in deeply and closing his eyes to regain his composure. “Wonshik-ah? Are you ok?” Wonshik chuckles a little, holding back the pained whimper that would follow.

“Always too good, hyung.” Another deep breath. “Hey, you have some pain medicine with you? Kinda hard to think like this.” Taekwoon puts him sitting carefully, walking around to his suitcase to fetch his pills. He knows he should not take his narcotics to work, but what if he really needs them? Really really needs them? What then?

Last time he really needed a pill and people got close to him he almost bit a chunk of Sanghyuk’s arm off. Clearly not everyone would find it kind of cute like Sanghyuk did.

Sanghyuk is a weird kid, like most of them in this house. But outside these walls things works differently. Outside these walls this is aggression and psychotic behavior and that create scandals, unneeded scandals. So what is a little pill to avoid situations? Nothing much.

He returns to Wonshik’s side with a pill and his own bottle of water but Wonshik just swallows the pill dry and leans back against the bed pillows. The bleeding in minimal by this point, but the pain is a little different subject. People do some shit in this kind of thing, his wounds are coated in things Taekwoon could not remove with a simple cotton ball and antiseptic. This calls for action. “Ok. Enough. I’m filling the bathtub.” Taekwoon is up and out of the room before Wonshik is able to manifest his thoughts over the idea. And the sound of water fills the room through the open door.

It’s unavoidable. Wonshik sighs.

By the time Taekwoon returns Wonshik is already numbed from the medications. But that fact doesn’t stop Taekwoon from dragging him to the bathroom. “Oh, you used that cherry soap I like… How nice of you.” Wonshik sounds a little slurred and Taekwoon is not one to rush him as he gets undressed very, very slowly. He has his back turned most of the time.

Wonshik is having issues with his pants zippers but Taekwoon won’t help him with that. He only turns back when he hears the sound of water and a grunt of a slowed Wonshik sitting down into the tub.  

He sits by the tub and leaves Wonshik to do his own things. He is there only because Wonshik looks smashed and he may drown if left alone. Now, as he does nothing other than watch Wonshik to guarantee he won't inadvertently kill himself, finally he has the time to notice his tattoos.

They swirl around his arms and chest and back, it's really pretty. A blue Chinese dragon around his left arm and most of his back, adorned with roses… A huge crack over his chest, like a shoot in the glass, behind the glass purple and black cogs are depicted as frozen. On his right arm there are only words, written in a language Taekwoon does not read, swirling around from his shoulder to his wrist, organic arabesques decorate the blank space left by the words.

Those are the biggest, and the easiest ones to name, but there are a few others, Wonshik's favourite is the one on the knuckles of his left hand where he wrote R.A.V.I one letter on each finger, when he closes his fist it's easy to read.

He is the first to speak, Taekwoon looks distracted and he is kind of bored. “Thank you for your concern hyung.” He says, it's kind of weird to have someone that gives a shit about him and his wounds. I mean, the inner circle cares, but they are the exception, they are brothers, and that's what brothers do. Taekwoon is not part of the inner circle, he is an outsider. The only reason they keep him so close is because Hongbin loves him. But Wonshik is comfortable around him and that's nice, that's rare. He is not good at making friends.

“You're welcome.” Taekwoon has that secretive voice tone that makes everyone around him curious of what he knows.

The warm water is not all that indicated to treat open wounds, it keeps the blood running but at least it's warm and now Wonshik is clean.

When he stands Taekwoon flinches back. It's kind of funny, he is truly a kitten.

Just like a kitten, he is also very quick in pretending nothing happened. “Put on some pants so I can patch these wounds up.” Wonshik stumbles and snorts at his own failure at walking. He is not all that interested in drying himself up so he just throws on some pants and goes back to the bathroom, to a frowning Taekwoon.

Underwear is not important, even if the pants fabric sticks to his skin in weird places due to the water.

Taekwoon gets a towel and goes dry him to make the bandaging part. Wonshik laughs when he goes at drying his face and hair, but doesn't protest. There are some big Band-Aids on the drawer, so Taekwoon just slaps some of them on and that's it.

He wants to sleep. And by Wonshik's face he might as well sleep sitting on the sink.

He guides the man in front of him to the bed by the shoulders, as said man runs his fingers through his hair to take them off his face. He would just push Wonshik into bed, but Wonshik does this own his own. Taekwoon lays beside him with a tired sigh.

For him the day is over but… Wonshik spins him around. “Hi.” He says, Taekwoon just frowns. “You were very kind to me today, so I have to pay for your kindness.”

To be fair, Taekwoon is not one to take advantage of others, mostly is the other way around, but Wonshik gives him no time to say anything for he is pushing his sweater up a bit. “I don't really love you or anything but… I guess a should do something since you were so nice to me.” And it's true, Wonshik does not love anyone, he can't, he just can't. He can't love anyone, no matter how nice or beautiful they are. The conventions of romance are lost in him. But Hongbin is the one who has to love Taekwoon, not him.

For a drugged man, Wonshik is very capable with his hands, he has Taekwoon’s boxers off in a second, and his mouth around him without a warning. The only thing Taekwoon can do at the present moment I'd gasp very loudly and cover his face with both arms.

Wonshik's mouth is too hot and wet and he keeps humming that damn song he hums all the timr. Taekwoon moans once when he feels himself hitting the back of Wonshik's throat, but that happens again… And again… And again… And this has to stop because it's been a while since he did this the last time and he can feel the familiar feeling heavy in his guts, pooling and pressing and it's… Not right… Because his eyes are closed and it's not Wonshik's name at the tip of his tongue, so he stops holds his breath.

How many times more? He won't thrust back, he doesn't want to hurt Wonshik, he will stay completely still until it's over, taking shallow breaths and letting Wonshik swallow him in… How many times more? One, two, three, four…

One whimper, a shiver running up his spine and the heightened sensation of Wonshik hollowing his cheeks like he is used to this, the sensation of Wonshik's hands caressing his thighs gently, the filthy pop sound Wonshik's mouth makes when he pulls away.

The wrong sensation stops, Wonshik rests him chin at his stomach, crawling on his elbows to look at him. “You're crying.” It's a comment not an accusation, but Taekwoon is wiping his face like he has to hide something.

Wonshik is not Hongbin, he doesn't care about him crying. “You don't really have to do that. I like when you cry.” Taekwoon stops, shyly stilling his hands and not knowing what to do with them, where to put them. “You don't have to impress me. I'm just a tool for your safety.” Wonshik pets his head, in an awkward angle, stretching to reach his head.

Taekwoon let's his hands fall to the bed. Wonshik and him… They are very similar in many ways. “Wonshik-ah… Would you teach me how to shoot? Would you?”

He doesn't have to make a big deal out of this, they can both use each other. They are friends and he wants Wonshik to be happy too.

Wonshik smiles tiredly, head resting on his belly as Taekwoon cards his fingers through his dyed hair, a little shyly, accepting how things are.

At least he is never alone.

“Sure hyung.” He yawns and Taekwoon tries to understand how his mind works.

He figures he doesn't have to. “Are we friends, Wonshik-ah?” Wonshik shifts a little to look at his through droopy eyelids, he is clearly tired, and when he smiles it looks kind of funny. “Sure, hyung. You're part of the family.”

Family.

That's nice.


	15. Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in which many things happen very fast

Holding a gun is easier after a few tries.

He never knew the house had a shooting station on the basement. But again he doesn't know many things about this house.

Taekwoon discovered aiming is hard, it's even harder when suddenly someone holds you from behind and you shoot one of the few lamps in the room. “Wow, hyung! Such and improvement!” Wonshik laughs and Taekwoon elbows him in the ribs. “Ah, I’m so tired…” he seems unfazed by the aggression, resting his head on Taekwoon's shoulder.

“It's eleven AM in the morning Wonshik-ah.” Wonshik hums mildly at that.

The hums turns into a grunt when Taekwoon spins on his heels to sit on the counter of this small corner-both he always uses, deeming it more secluded. He leaves the gun over the counter to dangle his legs. “Why are you running from me, hyung?” Taekwoon snorts.

“Does it look like I'm running, Ravi-ya?” Wonshik makes a sound and steps in again, settling between his legs like it was mutely agreed in this arrangement of them as acceptable. “Hongbin called.” Wonshik says, then.

Taekwoon looks at him a little distractedly, seemingly deep in thought. “He almost never calls me anymore. Must be tired of me already.”

Wonshik smiles that infuriating smug smile of his. “What would you do if he was?” In all honesty, Taekwoon doesn't know. Die? Probably die.

Perish on his own sadness and cut his own throat to at least paint the walls that red Hongbin likes so much. It seems reasonable. But he can't be sure. He only shrugs and Wonshik's smile dissipates in a neutral expression. “You must know we only ever talk about you. He doesn't speak with you so he won't get sad. He is a mushy little marshmallow.” Taekwoon chuckles at that.

He knows by now Hongbin is a sensitive soul, that he has many romantisms he cannot even begin to comprehend, but it's the first time he ever saw anyone defining his as a mushy little marshmallow. “It's true though. He is like a bunny or something. Like, he has those big eyes of his and he is all soft and fluffy.” A bunny that likes blood and kills people for sport.

What a nice bunny indeed.

But Taekwoon has no time to give an opinion on the matter for Wonshik in leaning in and kissing that stupid spot behind his ear that makes it hard to think. “If you leave a mark, Hongbin will rip your face off.”

Wonshik just chuckles. “I'll keep that in mind.” Taekwoon has the pendant of his necklace between his fingers, he hasn't spoke with Hongbin in something like eight days. Soon he will be back, but he feels sad most of the time. “No need to get sad, beautiful. Hongbin will come back soon, you know that.” And he sighs, Wonshik is too perceptive, that's a little bothersome sometimes.

“I'm just lonely.” He says then, finally reaching to caress Wonshik's hair like he usually does. “Don't worry. I'm fine.”  Wonshik hums, not very convinced but not one to push. This arrangement of them is comfortable, none actually minding the lack of kisses of tenderness.

This is distraction, and neither would treat it as anything else.

At first Taekwoon would get bothered by Wonshik calling him beautiful out of the blue. But that, as he soon found out, is the way he refers to all those who frequent his bed. It could be worse.

Wonshik doesn't think much of it, mostly he never even notices the use of those words, and Taekwoon not been one to speak his mind, keeps this knowledge to himself.

The sound of Wonshik's phone takes Taekwoon off his own head again, and Wonshik's voice using the voice tone he only uses when he is speaking with Hongbin makes him hop off the counter with a sigh and leave the room. He is not in the mood for second hand conversations.

“Give me the order.”

In the now empty room, the voice of Hongbin's instructions flutter very clearly on the air.

Do what you must.

 

**~×~**

 

 

Taekwoon is taking a nap on the couch.

Hakyeon came by earlier and asked if he wanted to go out and have some drinks with them. It’d be the last night without Hongbin and they should go out and get smashed to celebrate his return. Taekwoon said he would come along.

Jaehwan would be there too, so that probably means they aren't going anywhere crowdy. Jaehwan is hard to tame when in crowds.

He is not necessarily unstable, but he gets really annoying with his quirks.

The one about counting people wearing the same color of clothing.

The one about taking a shot every time a man with a jeans jacket walks into the establishment.

The one about singing a song over some trait of the first person holding a funny looking drink he finds.

Annoying.

Loud.

And if drunk enough, also very dangerous.

People have this habit of concluding people are stable enough to hold sharp objects if they don't look drunk.

But Jaehwan doesn't even look crazy to begin with. What make people think he would look drunk?

Anyway. He has to get up and get dressed.

His wardrobe stays in Hongbin's room, and that's where he goes to, feeling pleasantly numb all over. Good thing about his pills is: they keep everything out.

Even conscience.

He is shuffling around perfume bottles, choosing which one would be appropriate for a night out, turning on his heels to see Hongbin standing beside the doorframe. But…

No, it's not right.

Is…

What happening to him?

His eyes are not red like this… and… his mouth… is that… is that smile sewed there _?_

He drops the perfume, the sound of glass shattering and the strong smell overwhelm his senses but… he can't feel anything other than his hands clasping over his mouth to keep the scream in.

The tears rolling down his face and himself hitting the wall. No.

The ring in his ears comes right after and he starts hyperventilating, there is not enough air in this entire world to soothe his burning lungs.

Is Hongbin dead?!

He can't be...

Because if he is… then… why is he still alive?! Why would he be… Alone… In here…

Hongbin is impassive from where he stands by the door, eyes dripping red, red rolling down his cheeks and falling on his clothes…

Taekwoon starts shrinking into himself, knees giving into the weight of his body it's… it hurts.

His head.

His stomach feels like it'll burst out of his throat… he feels so nauseous… so…

If he is screaming the sound never reached his ears, the ring in his ears made him deaf. Everything is blunt, the air doesn't go in anymore.

He hopes it'll be over soon.

He is so tired.

Hongbin is…

Then he has no use anymore.

 

**~×~**

 

“He was poisoned.” Hakyeon say from his cellphone, petting Taekwoon’s hair carefully. “Wonshik is out following your orders. He doesn't know, I'll keep it like this for now.”

Hongbin hasn't said a word, so Hakyeon continues. “Someone took his pills, apparently. The substance inside the flasks is not the one described in the label. The only ones who know about his medications are the insiders.”

He hears the sound of something cracking, maybe snapping. “Threason?” Hakyeon hums at Hongbin's question and the line goes dead.

He puts the phone down and sighs. Hongbin is heartbroken.

Horrible things are bound to happen now. No one is left unscaterred when he gets heartbroken.

The doctor goes in, a person Hakyeon mildly know as Minhyuk. He works for someone else, a guy from the other side of the state, which seems to be Hongbin's friend since the begging. When none of them owned nothing and were mildly troublesome teenagers.

Hongbin had a habit of running away from home and that's all Hakyeon knows. Why or where to no one ever told him. Wonshik knows, but he doesn't speaks about it. Never.

“Thallium poisoning is a possibility. It can be lethal. It's a heavy metal and it spreads very fast through the system.” He has Taekwoon's medical records in hand, and looks very much calm. “We have to be sure yet, he can be going through this for a long time now. He will be very confused once he wakes up, call me so we can give medication according to his symtoms.”

Hakyeon nods. “Yes. Thank you, Minhyuk-ssi.” Minhyuk nods back at him and leaves, his casual clothes take part of his medical credibility, but Hakyeon knows Hongbin must have some level of trust in those people if he is leaving Taekwoon in their care.

He sighs, turning to Taekwoon again.

Poor kitten…

 

**~×~**

 

Hongbin is back a few hours later, Sanghyuk stayed behind to care of the business they had there.

He stands beside Taekwoon's bed for the second time, hands running through black strands with nothing on his face. Hakyeon is sitting beside him watching him carefully, there is something in the back of his dark eyes.

Under the concealed rage.

There.

The heartbreak.

“I called for a reunion downtown. Our neighbors will be there. I called Changshik too, but they'll probably send Sunwoo.” Hakyeon is looking  mildly in Hongbin's direction now, waiting for his eyes to change but they don't.

Actually, Hongbin stays quiet.

That's always a bad sign.

Hakyeon knows better than to push Hongbin in any way when he is strained like this. This is the closest he can get to snap as it's possible for him.

He rises from his chair, kisses Taekwoon forehead briefly and then leaves without any other word.

All those who broke Hongbin's heart shall wish for something as easy as death to relieve their pain.

The shards of Hongbin's heart are sharp and sharp objects can kill.

 

**~×~**

 

Hongbin goes to the meeting with Hakyeon as damage control beside him. Jaehwan is keeping Taekwoon company and Sanghyuk returns today.

No one speaks about his trip and no questions are asked.

Hongbin looks very calm. Very stable.

That's a problem.

Sunwoo, as expected, sits across from Hongbin on the table, Jinyoung behind him. On Hongbin's right there is that guy… What's his name again…? Oh, yeah. Ilhoon. Minhyuk and another guy are accompanying him. The only thing Hakyeon knows about him is that he has the same age as Minhyuk, and that they seem to be close to each other.

On the other side there are the other two guys Hakyeon mildly knows by name, and a girl who goes by the name of Lime and remains neutral most of the time.

“I called you all here because I need you all to know a few things.” Hakyeon starts, pushing himself off the wall as Hongbin gestures him to keep talking. “Mr. Lee is retreating from any deals or contracts he made with any of you. The peace is over.”

The guy on Hongbin's left, Byunghun, one of Wonshik's close friends, is the first to speak. “You are a trade route. We can't do business without passing your city.”

“A shame.” It's all Hakyeon offers. Byunghun raises his hands exasperatedly. The guy sitting beside him, whose name Hakyeon doesn't remember right now, says something. He knows the guy with a hand on his shoulder is called Himchan. “What's the meaning of this?”

Hakyeon sighs. “Our house called victim to treason. And since we can't detect exactly how this came to happen we are shutting down our block.”

Hongbin is still silent when Sunwoo starts speaking. “I'm so sorry to hear that. You need help finding the culprit? We are neighbors after all.”

Against all public expectations, Hongbin stays quiet and Hakyeon is the one to decline for him. Hongbin peacefully plays with a pen, not really paying attention on the flow of the conversation.

On one side, Hakyeon appreciates the vow of trust.

On the other this is all very problematic. The quieter Hongbin is, the angrier he is.

 

**~×~**

 

A week passes by and Taekwoon is still out. Wonshik finds about this entire secret.

Taekwoon is weak.

Wonshik is fucking furious.

Hongbin is sitting by the table when Wonshik steps inside to hell at Hakyeon. Hongbin says nothing and keeps signing his papers. “WHEN WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME TAEKWOON WAS FUCKING POISONED?!” Hakyeon runs his hands taredly across his face. This is exactly what he was trying to avoid. “Wonshik-ah… Never. Because I knew you were going to react like this.” It's all Hakyeon says, and Wonshik makes an angry sound and punches the wall.

“Fucking bullshit! You and that fucking damage control of yours! You don't give two shits if I fucking explode the subway! You're trying to avoid attention and don't you dare think I don't know all your lies.” Hongbin makes a small chuckle, he is back at reacting again, it took something like four days to get out of his own head and start speaking again. He mostly keeps to himself still, but he talks to Taekwoon as he sleeps and that's something. Hakyeon is as calm as ever. “You're right. Do you want to go and explode the subway then?” Hongbin chuckles lightly again.

Wonshik’s face contorts into one of pure rage. “He is my brother too, you fucker! This decision was not yours to make! He is my responsibility!” Hongbin mildly stops to pay attention, putting his pen down and observing quietly as Hakyeon pushes himself off the wall. “You clearly failed. Next question.”

“It was not your call.” Hakyeon was taking a breath to answer when Hongbin spoke for him, his voice very even. “It was mine. And I didn't stop him. It must mean I think he is right, don't you think?”

Wonshik stops then, his shoulders deflate, his rage subsides into sadness, then a little sardonic laugh. “You know what? Fuck you, Lee Hongbin. I'm out.”

This time Hakyeon looks at him a little too wide eyed. “What? Wonshik-ah-” he starts but Wonshik just snaps at him again. “Shut the fuck up! You don't even talk to me.” He turns his back and Hakyeon looks at Hongbin by the table, his face is impassive but Hakyeon knows.

Hakyeon knows. “Hongbin!” Hongbin shakes his head and leans back, crossing his legs posedly under the table. “Let him go.”


	16. Heart

Taekwoon wakes up one night, and he doesn’t say a thing, he doesn't complain about the pain, he doesn't wake Jaehwan sleeping in the corner.

He looks to the ceiling.

And even if he can't remember what happened before he passed out, he remembers his last conscious thought.

The last thing to go through his mind before everything blacked out...

_He knows Hongbin is dead._

That's the only thing he knows.

So he won't cry, he would be desperate and scream.

No.

He will just end his existence for he has no other reason to go on.

So. First thing is taking all this cables off, then sit. Jaehwan stirs in his sleep and cracks an eye open to the constant beep of the machine.

But Taekwoon is not in his bed, he is walking peacefully to the balcony, opening the glass door. And Jaehwan is up in a second. “Kitten?” And Taekwoon does look at him and offers one small smile, entering the balcony but…

Why… is he…

Stepping on the rail…

Jaehwan pushes him back before he has the chance of giving another step and fall, Taekwoon stumbles back and  Jaehwan has to hold him or he will hit his head on the stone flooring. He manages but he can also hear the sound something cracking.

His wrist.

Taekwoon startles at the sound, holding Jaehwan's small form curled against him as if trying to sush him back into sleep. He blinks slowly at him, feeling slightly tired himself.

Maybe they should both sleep for a bit?

He lays down on the cold floor holding Jaehwan's head in his hands and closes his eyes.

Minhyuk comes in.

They call Hongbin.

 

**~×~**

 

Taekwoon looks at him as if dazed, and Hongbin holds his face like he is the only important thing in this entire world. “How come you are not dead?” Taekwoon ask, his voice sounds hoarse. Hongbin smiles the second he opens his mouth. “I missed you.”

“I brought you the presents I promised.” It's the first thing Hongbin says to him, and Taekwoon starts touching his face to make sure he is really there. He does not remember much from last night, but the doctor, Minhyuk, tells him Jaehwan got hurt somehow? He should go visit him later.

Hongbin points at a table in the corner, there is a small bouquet of lotus flowers over a red pillow.

But…

There something wrong with the flowers… they look so heavy. Hongbin gets up to get the glass plate where the pillow is placed, moving to the side of the bed to let him see what his presents are.

That… in the middle of the flowers… are those… eye balls? It certainly looks like it. “I promised I would bring you their eyes.” Hongbin smiles softly, bending to kiss Taekwoon’s temple gently and touch his hair, leaving the plate over Taekwoon's legs.

Human eyes… It's impressive how many sacrifices Hongbin is willing to make for him. So he smiles. “Thank you, Hongbinnie. It's beautiful.” Hongbin smiles back, resting his head on Taekwoon's shoulder.

Warm. Always warm. “I love you, hyung.” Taekwoon hums and Hongbin's arms circle his waist. “Jaehwan told me you tried to jump off the balcony.” He whispers into Taekwoon's neck.

Taekwoon can't recall doing that. “Did I? I think it's because I thought you were dead.” Hongbin goes limp and makes a sound that looks much like a whimper but not quite. “Would you die without me?” Taekwoon nods. He would surely die.

Hongbin smile so brightly, his eyes become little crescents and his dimples form small hollows on his face, he laughs. Like always. “You're blonde now?” Taekwoon touches a strand of hair on Hongbin's face, it's still silky soft.

Hongbin almost forgot about that. He wanted to make a surprise for Taekwoon but… Thing went so wrong and he  didn't get a chance until now. “Yes. You like it?” Taekwoon smiles at his expectant face and nods, hands going through his blonde locks in quiet enjoyment.

“You look dashing, Hongbinnie.” Taekwoon says, in that little soft voice of his. Hongbin smiles again. It's incredible how younger he looks when he smiles. He is always smiling at him, Taekwoon thinks it's hard not to smile too.

Hongbin makes another sound. “I have to go…” Taekwoon pets his head silently, he won't demand this much of Hongbin's time. He is a busy man. “I love you, ok? Say you love me too.”

“I love you too.” Hongbin smiles and Taekwoon kisses his nose and the corner of his mouth before he backs away to walk out with a small wave and a smile.

 

It's not long before starts walking around the house. Minhyuk says he should be careful and warn someone in case he feels anything weird.

Apparently he only took one poisoned pill, and his previous hallucinations are not a consequence of poisoning. That is a relief, but the biggest relief is knowing Hongbin is not dead.

Now he walks to Jaehwan's room to talk to him, wearing this big long sleeved shirt a guy named Sungjae (who works with Minhyuk and it's quite frankly a bit stupid) gave him and a pair of gray pants.

Jaehwan smiles as soon as he sees Taekwoon walking inside. “Kitten! Did you come to keep me company?” Taekwoon nods at him and Jaehwan makes a few happy sounds. “Wanna sign my arm?” He shows the plaster covering his hand a his forearm all the way down to his elbow.

He sometimes forgets Jaehwan is a child, a violent psychotic compulsive child. “Sure.” If anything, he is happy to know Jaehwan is not mad at him, since he heard he has something to do with the episode. “I'm sorry Jaehwan-ah… I didn't meant to hurt you.” Jaehwan just makes this dismissive sound and gives him a pink pen.

“I'm not even in pain. The only sad thing in that I can't work. But I can watch Netflix so it's not all that bad.” He smiles at the TV on the wall. “They have anime on Netflix. It's like, the best thing ever.” Taekwoon snorts at that, signing his name and drawing what he judges to be a cute little flower right beside it.

Jaehwan is a nice loud kid, and Taekwoon likes him. But it's amazing how much he can talk without needing an answer. “Things are too boring now Wonshik’s gone.” Taekwoon blinks up at him.

“What do you mean? Gone where?” Jaehwan looks at him like his question was weird and a little confusing. But Taekwoon has been out for days and things happen in days and it's always good to ask just to be sure everyone is ok.

Jaehwan pouts. “Gone gone. He called out. He's not part of the family anymore… Hakyeon said he and Hongbunny had a fight and he bailed out. Hongbunny is so sad about it, they were close friends.” _Out? Not part of the family?_ _That's bullshit_. They are all friends.

Hongbin didn't said a thing about it… Why? Wonshik is family too.

Where is he now? Where is he living? Who patches him up?

Oh no, Hongbin must be devastated… Wonshik is his best friend…

No.

He has to do something. “Thank you for telling me, Jaehwan-ah.” Jaehwan blinks and smiles a little _you are welcome kitten-hyung_ and asking kindly if he wants to watch anime with him.

Maybe later, that's what Taekwoon says on his way out.

Now he has to think.

 

**~×~**

 

Hongbin is in the living room with a bunch of papers, a glass of wine and a slight frown. Days passed and he is quite happy about Taekwoon’s steady recovery.

Taekwoon on the other hand, is quieter than usual. So when he approaches and laces his arms around Hongbin's middle, is an extremely welcomed gesture. Hongbin goes soft in his arms and puts the papers down to lean back. “ You surprised me, hyung.” He smiles, turning to sigh and leave his glass over the table. “How are you feeling today?”

“I was going to ask you the same thing.” He whispers softly and Hongbin hooks both arms around his neck, pulling Taekwoon backwards to sit back on the window and hook his legs around his waist.

Hongbin hums appreciatively at his cooperativeness. “Tired.” He whines truthfully. It's unusual to see Hongbin in casual clothes, sporting a pair of jeans and a salmon sweater that has two golden buttons on each sleeve. “But better now you came to me.” He noses softly at Taekwoon's jaw, thumbs caressing the back of his neck and playing with the soft hair he finds there. The  blonde hair suits him really well. “You look really good in this clothes.” Hongbin chuckles, he likes compliments. He must be in a good mood today. That's good. “Hyung… I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore…” Hongbin deflates against his chest, mouthing the words into his neck like he is telling a shameful secret. “People keep breaking my heart… I want them dead, I want them gone… I want my house to be under control again.” He looks so small like this. Taekwoon found the only thing he has to do to make Hongbin like this is initiate things. Hongbin gets especially happy when he initiates things. “I'm so angry you got poisoned under my roof… just so angry… They are not worthy of an easy punishment such as death… I'll make them suffer so much.” Taekwoon rubs small circles into the small of Hongbin's back to soothe him back into peace. It works. His shoulders relax again and he hums quietly. “I love you hyung.”

Taekwoon kisses his forehead gently. Hongbin needs support now, and he has to find Wonshik and bring him back. He has to keep his monsters close, keep his family together. “Hongbinnie… What about Wonshik?” Hongbin stays still but through the mirror he can see the reflection of Hongbin's anger and betrayal into the depths of his dark eyes.

“I was going to ask him to be my best man on the wedding. Ungrateful bastard… I’ve even let him touch you.” Taekwoon sighs and holds Hongbin’s face between his fingers. Hongbin looks at him with a small childish pout and his big dark stare. He does this only because it's only Taekwoon and him, he thinks it's fine to pout when Taekwoon is present. “You miss him, right? Because you like him, right?” It's Hongbin's next question, playing with Taekwoon's belt like he is trying to keep his hands busy.

He does this only every once in awhile, the childish antics only for Taekwoon to witness, and only when he is feeling very happy about something. Happy enough for his shards and his sharp edges to turn mellow and sweet like this. “Not the way I like you, Hongbinnie… but he is family.”

Hongbin makes an unconvinced sound,  kissing his fingers and hands, then his jaw and his neck. Taekwoon only quietly allows him to. “Family doesn't leave like this. Family stays.” It's what Hongbin says as he shuffles closer, hands pulling Taekwoon in and against him completely. “Family is built over sacrifices and abnegation. He is gone.” his hands slide under clothes and searing fingers look for contact. Taekwoon sighs easily against his touch. “But you miss him, right? He touched you… Did he fuck you? Thinking about it makes me really angry for some reason…” he mouths at his ears and Taekwoon pets his face softly.

“Are you jealous, Hongbinnie?” He smiles and Hongbin can hear the smile in his voice even if he is not looking at his face. So he bites down hard at his neck as a punishment and takes some satisfaction in the way Taekwoon hisses and clutches at his hips. “Don't tease me, hyung… My mood is horrible.”

Taekwoon snickers at him and Hongbin pulls him by the necklace. “Say you love me.”

The smile that follows right after makes Hongbin a little less sour. “I love you, Hongbinnie.” He leans down to use his weight and press Hongbin against the glass window. “I love you a lot.” Hongbin hums softly, guiding one of Taekwoon's hands to his neck. Gentle encouragement, but full of meaning. “Really? Seriously?” Hongbin's question is weak and tired, and he whines softly when Taekwoon pressed at his neck like he wanted him to.

Betrayal left a bitter taste on his tongue. “Seriously. You look so tired Hongbinnie… You should rest.” Hongbin rolls his hips a bit and sighs pleasantly at the feeling. Taekwoon's thigh is so nicely pressed against him.

Hongbin is still mulling over the sensation of his wasted trust. Once again, people let him down. He is getting so tired of this feeling, the feeling of his bubbling rage coming up on his throat and making everything shut down… So instead of thinking, he just rolls his hips again, one hand on the window to give him leverage, the other on Taekwoon's shoulder to keep him steady, eyes closed to heighten the sensation. He is so tired… So very angry and frustrated… He wants revenge and the smell of cinders, he wants the sound of screams and pleas of mercy… He wants to feed on the smell of fear and the tingling sensation of justice.

He will build a world for his hyung over the corpses of all the traitors and the liars… “Hongbinnie… I'll bring Wonshik back. I want our family to stay together.” Hongbin hums, still rolling his hips because he needs this feeling to remain stable. He is so strained, so very close to snap he needs something to loosen the strings… “I won't go if you tell me not to.”

Hongbin opens his eyes, just slightly, smiling softly at the feeling and the words. “I love when you say things like that…” His eyes fall closed again and Taekwoon takes that as enough permission as to go and bring Wonshik back home. So he thinks Hongbin needs a prize for been so nice and letting him do what's needed.

So he leans in suddenly.

And bites down on his neck hard, right in the juncture of Hongbin's neck and shoulder, to hear him gasp and shudder and claps at his arms and let out one long and broken whimper.

Silence stretches and Hongbin just trembles a bit, nails digging into flesh as he tries to catch his breath. “Sorry… did I hurt you?” Hongbin shakes his head and leans against him to nuzzle his neck and inhale his scent.

“I want it to hurt hyung… It reminds me you're really here.” Hongbin is leaning in slowly, eye contact being sustained as he studies Taekwoon's features carefully. Taekwoon is always accommodating, and parts his lips a little when Hongbin's breath ghosts against his face.

But they never kiss…

Because a servant is walking in…

And Hongbin makes a deeply angry noise in the back of his throat.

And then he is grabbing his gun…

Shooting once…

Twice…

Thrice…

So many times... until his gun has no more bullets. Then he is hoping off the window to get the corpse from the floor and push it against the wall. “IT’S NOT ENOUGH TO BREAK MY HEART?! YOU HAVE TO DISTURB MY PEACE AS WELL?!” He is hitting this lifeless body against the wall once and letting it fall to the floor, hands dripping red and socks getting just as soaked.

Taekwoon is just there, looking at this victim and approaching to hug Hongbin again as he pants. So strained, so angry… Poor little monster needs rest, his anger makes him shaky and he allows Taekwoon to guide him away from the red splashes on the wall and the red stain on the floor, on the carpet. He shushes Hongbin against his chest. “It's ok, Hongbinnie… I'm right here…”

Hongbin sobs against his chest quietly. He needs catharsis. “Why they must keep lying to me, hyung…? Why must they keep breaking my heart?” The corpse on the corner is flooding the floor in blood, that stain is so big they'll have to change the carpet.

It breaks his heart to see Hongbin so sad. He gathers him in his arms and kisses his eyes. “Just sleep, ok?” Hongbin nods, closes his eyes. It's time for Taekwoon to stop mourning over the past and help his lovely little monster to keep his family together.

That starts with bringing Wonshik back.

They are family, and family stays.


	17. Beautiful

Finding Wonshik is easier than expected. He is not hiding.

And with Hakyeon’s help, Taekwoon is soon to find his target downtown, sitting on a car’s hood and laughing with a bottle of cheap beer in hand.

He dyed his hair black. It suits him well.

They exchange looks because a guy points Taekwoon out and Wonshik smiles in a friendly manner. “Hey, beautiful. What's up?” It seems like nothing really changed.

Just the fact that Wonshik is no longer with them. “Why you left, Ravi-ya?” Wonshik shrugs and takes a swing from his bottle. Taekwoon just keep staring at him and some guys keep staring at Taekwoon. “Ravi-ya…” Wonshik hops off the hood and walks to Taekwoon until they stand face to face and Taekwoon just looks sad. “Are you eating properly? Are you taking care of your wounds? Where do you live? Do they treat you right?” Wonshik blinks a few times.

“Yeah… Dude you sounding like Hakyeon now.” Taekwoon is assessing for any damages, any infected wounds or anything wrong. In the end he finds none and just hugs Wonshik with a relieved sigh. Wonshik turns stiff immediately, hands stilling in the air as if to prove he has no part in this hug. “Dude… What are you doing? That's gay. Stop.” Even if Taekwoon knows Wonshik didn't mean to use gay literally, he can't help but chuckle a bit, and Wonshik looks borderline embarrassed.

“Hongbin is so sad without you… You two are friends. Why would you leave?” Wonshik is trying to maneuver himself out of the hug without actively pushing Taekwoon away, but it's kinda hard when Taekwoon's hands are locked together behind his back. “Family doesn't leave like that... Did you lie to me?” At that Wonshik stops his small struggles and still completely. “Did you?” Then Taekwoon is the one stepping away with hurt in his eyes, concealed by his usual impassive expression. “Was I wrong to consider us friends?”

Wonshik scratches the back of his head looking troubled. “Of course not, beautiful. You're my brother as well.” Taekwoon looks down, clearly unconvinced, and Wonshik makes a sympathetic face. The other men sitting around them all look at the scene with something like amusement. “No need to get sad, beautiful. Nothing changed.” Taekwoon shakes his head a little sadly, hands inside his pockets. “Everything changed.” Taekwoon mutters softly, and Wonshik frowns a little. “We shouldn't get too close to each other again. If you're not family then Hongbin might get angry… But we want you back home. And I'll bring back eventually.” He steps away and Wonshik just stares at him carefully. “And please, stop calling me beautiful.”

Wonshik just nods, a little off. In all honesty it's an habit of his to call those who have been on his bed with him beautiful and he doesn't mean anything by that. Buts it's easy to misunderstand. “Tomorrow will be Fight Friday, why don't you drop by and watch me fight? Maybe we can talk properly, then.” He sounds a little hesitant, but just Taekwoon nods mutely at him, sighing once before turning his back and leaving. He will go check on Hakyeon, he seemed to be so sad last time they spoke.

 

**~×~**

 

Hongbin is back at his normal self again.

That meaning he is back at doing what he usually does and getting everyone around the house to work, no more rest, no more gentleness. Fear is the only thing that keeps people on their tracks.

One step out of the line and there will be consequences.

No one wants to know what consequences is he talking about.

And Taekwoon is looking at the clock and wondering if he should go to that Fight Friday thing Wonshik invited him to. Hongbin hasn't said a thing about his wish to bring Wonshik back home. He only silently clinged to him as he laid out in bed that night and asked no questions.

Hongbin gives him a long leash so he will forget the choker on his neck. He doesn't, but he finds the intention cute anyway. “You look distracted, hyung.” Hongbin's voice drags him back to earth, and he stares up from Hongbin's feet, using his legs as a pillow for the last few hours now. Hongbin pets his hair with the tip of his fingers.

“You miss Wonshik, don't you Hongbinnie?” Hongbin only quietly looks at him, as if asking if he is not the one missing Wonshik here. “ _Hongbinnie._ ”

Hongbin's eyes look cloudy, like they usually do when Hongbin is thinking. “You like him a lot don't you, hyung?” His voice has some sort of heaviness to itself. Taekwoon smiles and sits up, Hongbin is sporting that face he normally has when he wants to complain but is too caught up in his own thoughts to do so.

So Taekwoon clings to his neck and they both fall to the couch. Taekwoon on top of Hongbin's leaner frame, smiling at his expression. He used to be afraid of the void of emotion he found in Hongbin's eyes whenever he got angry over something. Now it's just cute. “There's no need to get jealous, Hongbin-ah.” Hongbin only makes a small sound, his button less shirt makes him look a lot more casual than usual and Taekwoon finds it funny that he is so distracted over such a small matter. “It doesn't matter who has my body if my heart is yours.”

Hongbin raises his eyes at that. “Who said that?” His voice is coated into something… something familiar… Something dangerous. “Who said you can give yourself to anyone else?” Taekwoon grins lightly.

“You do that all the time.” He chuckles and Hongbin clicks his tongue.

Hongbin huffs as if annoyed. He is getting a lot more worked up than necessary. “It's not the same. There's no way I would ever look at anyone other than you.” he says, Taekwoon frowns.

“Are you calling me a whore or a liar?” Hongbin clicks his tongue again and makes them roll over, they fall off the couch into the floor and Taekwoon hits his head against the carpet. It doesn't hurt as much as it surprises him. Hongbin is talking again. “I'm calling you _mine_. And _mine_ means I won't tolerate other people near you unless I give you permission. Did I make myself clear?” Taekwoon smiles and nods, Hongbin doesn't have to be like that. He won't run.

Not anymore at least. “Enough of that. I hate arguing with you, don't make me do that.” He looks pacified, Taekwoon hugs him then and Hongbin stays quiet against his chest. A few moments of silence go by before Hongbin speaks again. “How does he feel?”

Taekwoon blinks for a few seconds, trying to make sense of Hongbin's words to no avail. So he has to ask. “Who?” Hongbin rests on his elbows to look down and into his eyes. “Wonshik.” Wonshik? Well that's actually a very good question.

He thinks carefully about his words. He won't lie, he has no reason to. “Accommodating. He is grounding and stable… he feels a little like you. You both feel like home, but you feel like love and he feels like friendship… And you're warmer.” Hongbin studies his features. “You two are similar but… You are subtle and he isn't. He is a forest at night and you are a wild fire… He brings me safety, but you bring me peace. I need you both for different reasons.” Taekwoon is not one to speak so much, but Hongbin's face demanded words and if asked he could coax the words out. Different feelings, different people.

Hongbin would say something but his phone rang, and of course he ignored Taekwoon in favour of answering it. The difference was that now Taekwoon became irritable by the action. So instead of waiting patiently as he usually would, his fingers trail up to Hongbin's crotch without a word.

Hongbin being Hongbin favours the feeling instead of complaining. He gasps but the person he is currently speaking to (probably Hakyeon) doesn't seem to mind. “Where? No, keep talking.” His eyes fall to Taekwoon still on the floor with him and the playful smile dancing across his lips. Taekwoon applies pressure in small circular motions. “You found him? Yes, I know. You know what to do.” Hakyeon's good point is that he is so capable he needs no instructions, so when Hongbin clicks his phone closed he knows the job will be done. He busies himself leaning down to bite down at Taekwoon's lips and whine. “You drive me crazy… But I love you, hyung.” One small sigh and he is going up, taking Taekwoon to throw him against the wall and kiss his as angrily as his nature demands. His hands slide gently up his chest and to his neck, cutting his oxygen supply. “I love you… And remember… If you ever break my heart… I won't kill you, because I can't. But… I will ruin everything you hold dear and smear their blood all over you… all over you, ok?” He leaves Taekwoon neck and watches him coughing a little, rubs his back gently as his hyung bends forward to breath in deeply. “There, there… I have to go okay? Have fun with that bastard traitor that is Wonshik. Not too much fun though.” He kisses his temple and leaves, Taekwoon slides against the wall, feeling the tender marks of fingers against his neck.

It's not bad. He has to go to that Fight Friday thing now.

Hopefully he's not late.

 

**~×~**

 

Taekwoon is late.

Walking among the crowd is hard and people keep touching and pushing him. The smell of drugs, sex, sweat and blood is overwhelming even if they are at a relatively open space. But at least everyone is too busy looking at the two man hitting each other to notice him.

Where _are they_ exactly? Is this like… A bridge? A fucked up tunnel?

One of those man happen to be Wonshik. And he laughs as if he is currently dancing and not bleeding and punching people in the face.

He sports a split lip and his nose is already bleeding but the blood is still wet this time, his shirt is lost somewhere and he has some ugly bruises and a few small cuts. His back is caked in dirt, along with his left arm, and a sheen layer of sweat covers his skin and makes his hair look a mess.

He keeps pushing the fringe back and it keeps falling back over his eyes. “Hey! Beautiful!” Wonshik waves at him and all eyes turn to Taekwoon. Enough for everyone to miss the fist landing on Wonshik's face and him spitting a blotch of blood. Taekwoon winces. The eyes slowly turn back to Wonshik when he groans and kicks the man's chin. The man hits his head as he falls back, on the wooden fence behind them. The loud round of cheer makes Taekwoon flinch… _So loud_...

Wonshik stumbles to the fence, dirty and looking like a caged animal. “You really came!” He signals for Taekwoon to come closer, panting and pushing his hair back _once again_. Taekwoon opens his way in the crowd with too many eyes on him making the feeling of discomfort settle heavy on the pit of his stomach. “Thought you would ditch me.” He is talking a little lower not that Taekwoon is relatively close, but not much for adrenaline has him jittery and smiley. Taekwoon on the other hand feels a little better at being able to breath without having to bump into other people.

“I thought about ditching you. But then who would patch you up?” Wonshik's laugh fills his ears and Taekwoon is playfully pushed to the side. Wonshik is telling him to _hold that sass, will you?_ People's eyes bore holes into Taekwoon's back and neck. He can feel it.

He smiles and reaches to touch the blood on Wonshik's face. The man flinches back immediately and Taekwoon holds his hand steady for a seconds before retreating the offending touch and holding the hand to his chest with no little amount of regret. _Sorry_ … He thinks but never voices the word.

The situation turns awkward in a second. Wonshik is stuttering an apology and Taekwoon is shaking his head dismissively, looking down at the floor. “I forgot… We are only acquaintances now.” Wonshik frowns at his words and Taekwoon steps back a bit, worrying his lip between his teeth. “Maybe... I should go I… Don’t want to disturb you.” He clears his throat and Wonshik shakes his head, frown tightly in place.

“Hey… Don’t be like that, beautiful. You know it’s not like that I…” He scratches his head a little awkwardly. “We all know better than to touch Hongbin’s fiancé.” _Fiancé_. He never thought of himself as that. Not even for a second. In his head his relationship with Hongbin is as stable as Hongbin himself, but not in a way he feels like he can loose Hongbin at any moment.

His monsters are a constant.

They are locked in darkness with him.

Taekwoon shakes his head at the thought. “I’m your responsibility. You are my caretaker, and you owe me blood.” He says that sincerely. Wonshik gives him a sad look and a shake of his head. His next words make everything sound so final Taekwoon feels sadness settling in his heart. “Not anymore.” Wonshik says, his voice sounds deeper, sounds like decisions and acceptance.

The slaps that follows surprises them both, Taekwoon looks at his hand as if asking what just happened. And Wonshik looks at Taekwoon as if he said he was a vampire and proved it, hand resting over his face and wide eyed like turned into stone.

Everything stops. Even the people around them.

The crowd expects Wonshik to just snap Taekwoon’s neck with his hand.

When he recovers he is quick to drag Taekwoon away from the whistling crowd and into some back room full of bottles and towels. The function of said room remains unsaid but as soon as the slam of the door reaches Taekwoon ears he forgets he maybe should know where he is now. “The fuck you want?” Is Wonshik’s question.

It’s a reasonable question considering he just slapped his face like he had any right to do so. “You know I’ve broken people’s noses for less than that, right?”

In all honesty the only thing Taekwoon wants is Wonshik back home and in good terms with Hongbin again. “You wouldn’t hit me.” That’s not what he wanted to say, but he said it and he could not take it back now.

It’s a good time to make mistakes.

Here…

Where no one would hear them in case Wonshik decided to really hurt him. Maybe kill him even.

“Are you sure? You’re getting too confident beautiful.” It should sound as a warning but for Taekwoon it sounds like a mild misplaced joke. Like always. So he snorts and smiles and Wonshik frowns again. “Then hit me. I can blame anyone here, I wouldn’t let Hongbin’s revenge come to you. Go ahead.” Now Wonshik looks surprised, as if he was not expecting the offer. Taekwoon sits by the pool table that stands in one corner covered by a dusty old blanket and waits. “Do it. I like you enough to let it slide this time.”

The way Wonshik walks toward him makes him think that he will truly hit him, and the expression on his face only further confirms his suspicions but instead he is pushed back roughly and Wonshik climbs on top of him like he has any right of doing that. “You should stop being an overly confident little shit.”

Apparently they are both in the mood of making mistakes.

“Watch your mouth, I'm still your hyung.” Wonshik tilts his head and laughs, the sound making Taekwoon smile to himself, even if he's still a little pissed. “I like your hair black… You look nice like this.” His hand reaches for Wonshik's messy locks, and this time he doesn't flinch, he smiles that small kind smile he normally uses when he is amused at Taekwoon's words or actions. “Why are you here, Taekwoon?” Is Wonshik's next question. Again, a very reasonable question.

Taekwoon's hand falls beside his head. “Because we are family. And family stays.” Wonshik seems deep in thought, as if mulling over Taekwoon’s words. He gets off the table and shakes his head.

“I have to go back. There will be a party right after this, you can come if you want. But I guess you don't.” Taekwoon sighs sadly and hops off the table as well. Hands coming up to hug Wonshik gingerly, giving him time to back off, but he doesn't. He mumbles only quietly. “I'm disgusting right now, you shouldn't touch me.”

Taekwoon hums in quiet agreement but doesn't back off. “Come back home, ok? It's not the same without you.” Wonshik sighs as if tired but doesn't say a thing, nor pushes Taekwoon away. If anything he rests his head against the crook of his neck. “You can stay here and have your fun until you're not angry anymore. Once you're ready, come back. We’ll be waiting.” Wonshik makes a small laugh. Hands stilling in Taekwoon's waist as he usually does when he's not paying much attention to his actions. Wonshik sounds lighter when he speaks again. “Always too good for people like us…” he sighs once and Taekwoon cards his finger through his damp hair. “I didn't pay my debt after all.” He didn't. He really didn’t.

Taekwoon smiles. “Be careful out there.”  Wonshik nods, Time to go home.

 

**~×~**

 

Days go by.

This day in particular has been shit.

Taekwoon is tired and that’s all he can feel.

Aside from his ever present desire to bring his family together again.

Hongbin is laying into bed with his cigarette after a very long and productive day when Taekwoon comes in and crawls on the bed to kiss him without even saying hello first. Hongbin has a lit cigarette and his eyes open when their lips meet, and he easily exhales the smoke into Taekwoon's mouth and closes his eyes to enjoy but Taekwoon is pulling him closer and Hongbin accepts. He likes to be handled anyway. “Had fun with Wonshik?” He asks softly as they lay down again, Taekwoon smiles down at his.The  smile with sass. “I kind of did. Want to know about it?”

It’s been a few days since Hongbin had the chance to find Taekwoon awake. And Taekwoon is too focused on things to hallucinate.

Hongbin makes a sound. “Do I?” He smiles as Hongbin plays with his necklace. Cold eyes settled on the small blue stone dangling from his neck. As soon as their eyes meet Taekwoon is silenced by the way Hongbin looks distant. He asks what happened but Hongbin only shakes his head a little. “Don't worry hyung. Why don't you kiss me again? It was nice.” Hongbin gives a small smile and Taekwoon just kisses that same spot he has behind his ears that makes it hard to think, he hears Hongbin humming appreciatively at the sensation. Hopefully it works for him too. “You feel distracted, Hongbinnie… What happened?” Hongbin makes another soft sound, hands flat against Taekwoon's chest as he sighs tiredly.

He shakes his head. “I found out about some things that made me really angry… I sent Sanghyuk and Jaehwan to solve this matter.” Taekwoon frowns. Jaehwan’s arm is still fucked, can he really do his job? “But I don't want to think about that. I don't want to think about anything at all… Make love to me, hyung. Help me forget.” He looks really tired, and Taekwoon caresses his face softly.

“You've been so dependant on me recently… Are you afraid of something?” Hongbin nods silently, entire body coming to wrap around Taekwoon in a hug, arms strong and pulling him in, pulling him closer. Hongbin smells like his shower gel and recently washed clothes.

But again, Hongbin always smells nice. “Now that you are mine, everyone will target you… I should kill you now, before they have a chance to make you suffer.” Hongbin touches his face lovingly. “I wouldn't bear to see you suffering… My precious gentle hyung.” He kisses Taekwoon’s eyes and cheeks, his temple and the corner of his mouth. “Dying in my hands would be fast, I could never make you go through a painful death.”

Taekwoon smiles softly at Hongbin's words. “Silly bunny… You are too selfish to let me die.” Hongbin makes a strained sound and buries his face into Taekwoon's neck, near his collarbones, fingers curling into hair. They switch positions like this, Hongbin's eyes darkening almost in a second.

The kind warmth turning into silent fire. “You are not aware of how much I would do for you. All you have to do is ask.” That's Hongbin's problem with everything. He gives himself so fully and completely it's only natural to be heartbroken when betrayal comes. And it comes, more often than not. “What do you want?” Taekwoon touches his face and Hongbin is easy to lean into the touch with his eyes closed.

“I want you to stop hurting yourself so much.” Taekwoon says truthfully. He doesn't want Hongbin to keep this up, keep ripping himself apart.  But Hongbin shakes his head as he nuzzles against his palm softly, eyes closed. “Someone has to get hurt, hyung.”

“Hurt me then.”

Hongbin's eyes snap open and he smiles. Warm again. Always warm. Warm smiles, dark eyes.

He has a knife pressed into Taekwoon's throat in a second. This feels natural. But the feeling of not being afraid of death is normal for quite sometime now. He sleeps in the same bed as Hongbin for long enough for the feeling to be part of him already. “You are so good to me, hyung.” a quick peck on Taekwoon's lips. “But I'd rather not waste your precious blood.”

He drops the knife on the floor and guides Taekwoon’s hand to his chest, body heat coming in waves and sinking into the cold body under himself. Hongbin is like a furnace. “I'm waiting.” Taekwoon smiles at him, hands sliding under fabric to free Hongbin of his shirt and roll them over again.

Today Hongbin is not about control, he is calm and patient, not demanding and imposing.

That's new.

“Then tell what you want.” Taekwoon whispers. Hongbin is just playing with the brim of his shirt, he has the eyes of a predator, and the smile of the prey.  He is studying Taekwoon's commitment.

_He wants to see commitment? Then he will have it._

Taekwoon is fetching the knife from the floor. it's the one Hongbin always keeps on him. A small foldable pocket knife with his name carved on the side.

Hongbin looks expectantly at him, offers his neck. Smile turning tender. “Why you like blood so much, Hongbinnie?” he asks, playfully touching the blade against Hongbin's skin. He can't bring himself to cut Hongbin, he just can't.

Hongbin is too important to be hurt.

Instead of answering the question, (Hongbin only ever answer questions when he is feeling cooperative. And he isn't, at the moment.) he takes Taekwoon's hand between his, fingers making pressure to keep the knife steady. Guiding it to a spot near his collarbones. Taekwoon frowns helplessly, hand going completely limp, but Hongbin's own hand is enough to keep the knife steady. Hongbin chuckles… pressing the blade down… Down and against his own skin with ease precision.

He hisses and his eyes fall close, a bruise…

No…

That's not right.

This was a terrible idea.

Taekwoon's hand starts shaking, he sits up, but his hand is still in Hongbin's power.

A few more seconds, his shaking caused a few ugly edges on the wound, but Hongbin just smiles softly. As soon as his hands is free, he pushes himself up and away, to the wall... Shaking, breathing laboured, forehead resting against the cool glass tile that draws geometrical patterns against the white wall. Breathe.

Hongbin's hands come to encircle his waist. His breath hitches. Hongbin chuckles. “I love you, hyung…” Hongbin's voice is barely a whisper, a soft and secretive one.

He can feel warm blood on his back.

He can _feel it.._.

 _Too warm_.

The hands resting on his waist maneuver him around and push his back to the wall. Pressing him against the cool surface and pulling him up with a knee between his legs to keep him up. “Say ‘ahn~’” Hongbin's fingers are coated in red, coaxing Taekwoon to part his lips so he can push the fingers in.

It only takes Taekwoon to part his lips for Hongbin to press the bloody fingers to his tongue, the fresh blood dissolving into saliva. “Suck.” And Taekwoon does, too entranced in the way Hongbin's voice becomes deeper when he is giving commands.

Wet sounds and small praises fill the air. Hongbin pulls his fingers back and watches the way they glisten in the dim light as if mesmerized.

They kiss right after that, Hongbin smiling and Taekwoon feeling everything as if in a daze. There is something in tasting the iron of his own blood that messes up Hongbin's pace.

Taekwoon is not very conscious of how they ended up in bed or where his shirt ended up in but… He wants this, this closeness.

This strong sense of belonging, of acceptance.

Love.

As fragile as a sandcastle, as Taekwoon's mental stability… But so strong Taekwoon is ready to kill for it… Or at least he feels ready for it. “I love you, hyung.” He mumbles into Taekwoon’s neck, smearing blood onto his bare chest. “Too much…” His hands caress Taekwoon through the fabric of his social pants.

Just to hear Taekwoon gasping. And then pull away completely. “But I will wait for the wedding.”

Taekwoon groans and Hongbin laughs heartly. “This is for leaving me to go see Wonshik.” He nibbles the lobe of Taekwoon's ear teasingly, leaving the bed shortly after that. “Now if you excuse me. I have work tonight. Don't wait up.”

He leaves the room and Taekwoon covers his face with a little more than aimless shame filling his chest.


	18. Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BACK  
> have some pain friend  
> and tell me what do you think about this so far :D

Hongbin goes downtown in his casual clothes, he is going to talk about casual business anyway.

Under a bridge he knows very well he finds Wonshik. Sitting on the trunk of a beat down broken car with no wheels and no engine. Probably stolen and destroyed so the pieces could be illegally sold.

That's the kind of business to happen on this side of town.

So when Hongbin arrives in person, dressed in a black shirt and some black cardigan paired with a pair of ripped dark blue jeans. It's not an inconspicuous arrival. Everything seems to still.

He politely asks for a cigarette to the man leaning against the wall, who gives it to him with shaking fingers. Lighting the cigarette in such a stiff stance he seems to be handling a cloud of flammable gas and it's afraid of exploding everything around them, including himself. Hongbin thanks him distractedly and walks off to  Wonshik, who was in fact the first one to notice his arrival. “Wonshik.” He greets, and Wonshik nods back steadily. Everyone steps back. Wonshik just takes another swing of his bottle of cheap vodka.

“How's kitten?” Is Wonshik's first sentence to Hongbin and his eyes turn a little icy. _Kitten?_ “Considering this cut on your neck, he must be ok.”

Hongbin takes a deep breath and touches said cut before looking at the man in front of him again. _Well not quite Taekwoon’s influence but…_ “Keep in mind that the only reason that keeps me from twisting a knife into your heart is that hyung seems to like you a lot.” Wonshik makes a noncommittal sound and takes another swing from his bottle.

“Don't worry. I don't love him.” _I can't._ Hongbin looks at him as if he is only doing his job in keeping it in his pants around Taekwoon. Both literally and figuratively speaking. “What do you want?” Hongbin looks at him and steps in, making the people behind Wonshik step back once again, Wonshik failed to give any fucks at the action but Hongbin doesn't expect him to. He leans over to whisper in Wonshik's ears, hand resting over his shoulder. Wonshik pushes him back in no time. “Then ask him dude. Not me.” Hongbin just smiles. His evil is showing too much.

“Hyung will come by tomorrow. You keep that hands of your under control.” He points with his chin to Wonshik's general direction and Wonshik if fast to put on his smug smile in place.

“Yeah. You keep your instructions to your employees, Hongbin-ah. And keep that intimidating stare of yours to yourself. Go inspire fear on people who care about this bullshit.”

Hongbin just makes a sound. “I never asked for fear. Fear is a natural reaction that comes when you feel death too close. And of that, you could make use of.” He smiles that smile with dimples, and walks back to leave, taking a drag of his cigarette.

The message is delivered.

 

**~×~**

 

As promised, Taekwoon comes on the next day. Not only to see how Wonshik is doing, but also because he has a few things to do downtown. Like getting Hakyeon in the building he has being doing his negotiations on.

“Hey, beautiful.” Wonshik says kindly, taking off his hat to look at Taekwoon properly. They are on this small park beside an old building, a warehouse as far as Taekwoon is concerned. But he is probably wrong anyway. “Fancy meeting you here.” Taekwoon smiles at how silly Wonshik can be. “Missed me that much?”

“Yeah. I did.” Wonshik does this small sound and fixes his hat back in place. He's embarrassed. He takes some time to get used to the few moments of bluntness Taekwoon sometimes sports casually. “How are your wounds?” He inquires softly, and hears the man in front of him muttering one _normal_ under his breath. Taekwoon sits next to him. He needs no words to be at ease, but Wonshik does. So when the silence becomes too much Wonshik is the first one to say something. “Have you healed from the poisoning?”

Taekwoon ponders his answer carefully. He is, but not thanks to any efforts on Wonshik's part. “Yeah.” Wonshik seems to relax at that. Toying with his rings like a teenager. But then he stops. Stops and looks away from the many stone benches ahead of them, and back to Taekwoon. To smile.

Smile and lay down onto his leg, doing it in a way that his earrings don't make this position a nuisance for any of them. Taekwoon is a little hesitant to touch his hair, but he does eventually. Things feel a little dull today. Maybe because none of them has much time to spare. “Tell me about your week, beautiful. Did something happened?” _Something? No?_ The week was uneventful for him, and Hongbin is all about work and the wedding and Taekwoon just sees him at night when Hongbin clings to him and tells him about the lives he destroyed.

Taekwoon just shrugs. “Why you keep calling me beautiful?” Wonshik smirks that one smirk that tells whatever he is going to say next is going to be filled with his own sense of humor.

“Because it’s true, beautiful.” Taekwoon looks down at him and Wonshik laughs because he thinks he is very funny, even though he is the only one laughing and Taekwoon’s expression remains impassive. “Sorry, you keep giving me this openings to say shit to you.”

It’s expected. The way Taekwoon lowers his head and worries his lip between his lips to hold his smile back. “Jerk.” His voice sounds like secrets, sounds like confessions. Wonshik laughs again, sitting so he won’t choke with his own spit or some shit like that. The split lip is now just a little swollen and looking like wound caused by something like the cold weather, and not a fist fight.

Some commotion is happening on the street, Wonshik looks over his shoulder with a curious expression. “Oh, that’s my ride. I have to go.” He smiles and gets to his feet brusquely, Taekwoon waves softly at him. “When will I see you again?” Is what Wonshik wants to know. Instead of answer that question Taekwoon mutely rises from the bench, long fingers coming to cup Wonshik’s face as he whispers one small be careful Ravi-ya under his breath before walking off to the opposite direction as the car, stuffing his hands inside the pockets of his overcoat to get his cigarettes and the lighter.

He doesn’t have to look at his friends to hear them whistling and hollering at him. Probably Taekwoon’s presence caused assumptions. If Wonshik is accompanied (and he isn’t fighting with whoever) then he is definitely fucking that person.

Except he isn’t.

But nobody will believe that.

He receives his bottle of beer and they part to gamble for the night.

 

**~+~**

  
  


Wonshik is drunk. And in the middle of his drunken state he can still recognize the sound of his own phone ringing.

This girl has her hands on his hips and just keeps laughing at his own particular humor only he can understand.  She is trying too hard, but in all honesty, if anything Wonshik expects just a quick fuck.

But phonecalls first. “Wonshikitty-cat!” Jaehwan. Jaehwan's voice sounds too high for the ears of a man that has no actual idea if his blood is too thin for his dick to do it's job. It's a very good question, actually.

He'll have to find that out later.

“What do you want hyung?” He is trying very hard to make letters out of the label of his bottle, and he can almost swear the words are actually moving. Using some drugs would be like, a whole new level of trippin... Oh, right... Jaehwan is talking to him. “Sorry, hyung… could you repeat that?”

“Yah! Stop spacing out Wonshik-ah~! I asked if you and Hakyeon had a fight. He's weird.”

Wonshik hums a little off focus and wondering where exactly is this girl touching ‘cuz he just can't feel shit. His dick must be just as drunk as he is, or maybe she is just being too gentle.

He hates this kind of gentleness.

Anyway it won't work, he will either break her or die of boredom. You can judge one's personality by studying how one handles dicks.

 _What the hell? Well, fuck._ _That's some dumb shit to think about… You better sober up right now Kim Ravi._ “We did fight. But strange how?” He pushes the girl away. After his particular thought about dicks he is just not in the mood anymore.

“He has been sleeping for hours now, like, more than five you know. I'm a bit worried. Should I call a doctor?” Wonshik just leans against the wall and takes another swing of his lukewarm drink. He doesn't even know what it was when he started drinking it and he certainly does not care now. “Man, how am I supposed to know? I don't work with you anymore.” Jaehwan makes this sound. The sound of a man who forgot something really  important and remembered it only now. Like going outside and remembering about your umbrella once you're already inside the bus. “I forgot about that, sorry Kitty-Kat! Don't mind me then. Bye~!” The line goes dead and Wonshik empties the contents of his bottle. His body feels jittery, he wants a fight. Or some really rough fuck.

He can settle for any of these two. Maybe both.

So out. To the streets. To some darker corners, some underground parties.

He can maybe smoke a joint or two.

Man, the night is fresh for the lost ones. And he knows many ways of losing himself even more.


	19. Smoke

Taekwoon is alone in bed. Hongbin said he would be late and he is. It's three AM in the morning and Taekwoon is almost dozing off when Hongbin steps inside. Almost tearing his stained suit and shirt off. “Fucking liars!” Taekwoon startles off his sleep and Hongbin stomps to the bathroom.

That's not the kind of mood to be bold. That's one of Hongbin's moods that scream caution. He is highly flammable as he is now.

Even then, leaving him alone is even worse. So Taekwoon is off the bed and tiptoeing to the  bathroom to soothe the beast. If possible, maybe even quench the fire.

Hongbin's arms are have scratches and an ugly wound on his shoulder. If anything, Taekwoon knows it's not the wound that makes him mad, but probably the source of it.

“Hongbinnie-” Hongbin got him by the neck, pressing hard, pressing him against the wall. It hurts. It hurts so bad.

This is aggression. There is not even a trace of tenderness anywhere. But Taekwoon fails to be afraid, he only wishes to breathe and maybe talk about what happened. More than that is just wishful thinking.

To his personal satisfaction, Hongbin speaks without being asked. “I take back everything I said. If you ever break my heart I will kill you myself in the most inhuman way possible.” Taekwoon coughs a little and Hongbin just now seems to notice his own hands. He releases him and steps back, as if not trusting the monster to stay quiet this time, eyes so wide he looks like a lost child. “I'm sorry… hyung I'm so sorry.” Taekwoon coughs a little, his neck tingles where Hongbin's fingers previously pressed into. He wheezes but is just beyond him to be mad or scared.

Hongbin is back at him in a second, hands on his face and a small frown making his eyebrows crease. “I'm sorry… it's not your fault… forgive me, don't be mad. I didn't… I would never…” Taekwoon tries to clear his throat, shaking his head with a weak smile. Hongbin's hands slide to his ears, bringing him to his chest. “I’m cleaning the house… cover your ears. It'll all be over soon.” Then the screams started. Hongbin gently rocking them back and forth as Taekwoon breath catches in his throat.

The sounds of a few shots come coupled with a few more screams and half broken words. “I'm tired of being heartbroken…” Hongbin whispers against his scalp, kissing his forehead, then his temples and his eyelids… Down to his cheekbones and the corner of his mouth… that spot behind his ear and the pulse on his neck. “So very tired, hyung.” Taekwoon melts against the tiled wall, with Hongbin's hands on his shoulders, and Hongbin's mouth on his collarbones.

“Hongbinnie, you're bleeding…” he manages his words calmly, hands stilling on Hongbin's thighs to have somewhere unblemished to touch. _This will scar_.

“You must know hyung. There are things I didn't tell you. I keep many things from you for your own protection… Let's get married tonight.” Taekwoon looks surprised, but not all that much. Hongbin's volatility is a constant. “Will you marry me tonight? I want to... Please, hyung.” He kisses Taekwoon gently on the lips a few times, chaste and brief. Just to add to his plea. “Please… marry me tonight… Will you? Please, hyung… I can't wait.” It's funny how easy it is for Hongbin to get what he wants. Even if the screaming did not stop. Even if Taekwoon can still feel the pain on his neck.

Even so…

He only dazedly nods, whispering one breathless _sure_ with half lidded eyes and a lightheaded feeling consuming his mind… eating away his doubts.

He can't remember having any doubts anyway. So it must be eating something else…

His self-preservation sense, perhaps.

Because he is bending a bit, to gingerly lick that ugly wound on Hongbin's shoulder. See him shuddering and press against him a little more, exhale one shaky breath and card his fingers through the black strands of Taekwoon's hair. “Hyung…”

Things change like this, with Hongbin getting him in his arms to lift him off the bathroom floor and back into the room.  The bed is too far away or at least it feels like it because they never get there, they end up on a table near the door. “You shouldn't carry me… I'm heavy and you're wounded.”

Hongbin shakes his head dismissively before bending forward, shoulder dripping red into the table and Taekwoon's chest, to kiss him properly.

But he stops, exhales tiredly.

The monster is pacified.

There is only sorrow now.

And the sound of screams subsided to weak weeping and whining.

Hongbin is quiet.

That's bad.

Taekwoon touches his face to make him look up from the blood drops on the table. It takes only this gentle coaxing for Hongbin to come back to the present moment in time. “I love you, hyung.” He holds Taekwoon's wrist to nuzzle his palm, and Taekwoon allows him because he always allows everything.

Without the monsters, without the beast (it is quietly watching at some corner of Hongbin's mind. Waiting for violence.) Hongbin is back his small rabbit appearance. But with Taekwoon he is like this most of the time.

But that's a lie.

There's no difference between the monster and the rabbit.

They are one and the same, and if Hongbin is pacified now is because he wants to be. Because he hid his fangs and his claws to look less threatening. And all he does, from the way his eyes look sad to the way his lips form this helpless shy pout. It's all deliberate.

Because he knows Taekwoon thinks it's cute. And he likes to make Taekwoon forget about his fire and his poison.

They are still there though.

A monster is a monster, no matter in which skin.

But that's not the point here.“Tell me what's happening. Tell me why you're hurt. Tell me why you're afraid.” That’s Taekwoon's question, because Hongbin is not one to bleed without reason.

But Hongbin is one to hide things from people. “You don't have to know that now.”

Taekwoon frowns and Hongbin makes this tired face. “I'm tired… Comfort me.” He is all pliant whispers against Taekwoon's jaw, all about small kisses behind his ears and guiding hands. “You don't want to?” his voice sounds a little sad, and Taekwoon is a little breathless already.

He sighs. There's no arguing with Hongbin when he decides something.

So instead he leans in to lick at the still oozing wound again. Hongbin makes this small whimper and his good hand instantly card through Taekwoon's hair. “Do that again…” and he does, already too used to the taste of iron and the warmth. It's Hongbin's blood. It's ok.

His tongue may feel too rough on an open wound, and saliva may not be the best antiseptic but… Hongbin is so breathless it may be alright. “How do I taste like?” He asks when Taekwoon pulls away, feeling Hongbin's hands shaking into his hair and his voice sounding a little broken on the edges. He sounds so breathless, so dazed. “Hm?” He caresses Taekwoon's face gently, a smile in place. Now that the wound is clean he can clearly see the wound was inflicted by a blade, of some sharp object similar to a blade. “Do I taste nice?” Taekwoon does not share the same affection Hongbin feels towards blood. To him it all tastes like iron, bitter and a little salty.

So he just shrugs and Hongbin chuckles, his voice feather-soft and so very breathy. “Then I'll be the judge of that.” And he pulls at his necklace, slowly enough for Taekwoon to process his breath fanning his face. Warm, too warm.

When his tongue slides inside Taekwoon's mouth the feeling is suffocating. Not only because Hongbin is too hot, or because his mouth tastes like coffee and peppermint, no… it's because Hongbin does not allow him to breath, hold on his necklace too tight and so strong Taekwoon feels the chain digging in his skin like a rope.

Now he is getting lightheaded, but then that makes the two of then, because Hongbin is making this soft little sounds into his mouth and it feels much more familiar than it has ever been before.

He is not afraid, his thighs brush between Hongbin's legs and he feels him gasp, break the kiss and bite at his lower lip with one small deep moan.

He bites too hard, Taekwoon can feel his lower lip bleeding, but that was probably the intention all along, because Hongbin is sucking lightly at the wound and it tingles.  “ _Mine_ …” he whispers hotly against Taekwoon's mouth. And Taekwoon knows it's true. He nods lightly at him and feels Hongbin smiling brightly at him.

Smiling at his red bruised lips and his soft compliant eyes _. Acceptance. Acceptance is an aphrodisiac stronger than desire itself. Belonging to someone so utterly and completely is a powerful spark._

And Hongbin is flammable.

So fire is not a surprise for either of them.

The surprise comes next. “Have me instead.” There it is, _surprise_. Taekwoon being Taekwoon only blinks silently, allowing the words to sink into him. Make sure he understood what he was told to do. “I want you inside me.”

 

**~×~**

 

As he decided previously, he is indeed a few inches deeper into darkness now. And he got his fight.

The fuck is being negotiated.

All in all his bleeding knuckles make up for any failure these negotiations may end up in. He is coming down from both his highs, the adrenaline and the alcohol. He seriously believes fighting is the best way to sober up quickly, and he certainly finds it the most enjoyable as well.

There's a girl tending to his wounds, but her touch is too light and she keeps cooing at him. “Stop talking.” He mumbles to her as she keeps referring to him as “poor baby”. He is not poor and most importantly, not a baby. The music blasting through the smoky room is not do enough to muffle her voice as she is too close.

But hey, she smells like cherries. “ I heard you don't work for the Lee’s anymore.” He nods and rubs the stain of blood on his chin.

 _Split lip again. Fucking dammit._ “What are you planning to do now?” He shrugs. Joining the enemy perhaps. That's what he tells her and she starts talking again, this time about her friend who supposedly slept with Hongbin once and she lost him there. He starts looking around the room for… more capable hands.

Not a single familiar face. And Wonshik couldn't be happier about it. Maybe now he can discuss with new possible employers. Wonshik is not and ambitious man. Mostly he only wants a place to settle and spread his roots.

That sounds funny inside his head… because he's the _gardener_.

A set of chuckles and an inner pat on the shoulder.

_Good one._

The bad thing about sobering up in that it opens way for headaches and nausea. So more alcohol will numb everything down again.

The man by the bar is staring at him. Wonshik bristles with the desire of being rude and asking what the fuck he is looking at, but doesn't because he wants a drink and doesn't want the guy to spit on his glass when he turns his back.

Instead he offers only one questionly look. “I hear you are free for a new job.” The man finally whispers, too discreet to be talking about casual things. “Is that true? You fought with the headmaster? You told Lee Hongbin to go fuck himself?” Wonshik makes a noise because he is trying to understand why would it matter. It doesn't. The man says his drink is on the house and he accepts it as a compensation for all the nuisances these aimless asking people are.

He chugs down on it and returns the cup ready to leave this man before he can start asking questions again. “Are you up for another job?”

“Sure” he is very careful when he says that. He can tell when people lie to him.

The man smiles and  taps his shoulder. Wonshik resists the urge to make a disgusted face. “I'll set you up with some friends of mine. An enemy of the Lee's is a friend of mine.”

Wonshik almost asks what he is doing this side of the river then.

But he doesn't. Business first.

He looks at the clock on his left wrist. It's about time anyway.

  
  


**~+~**

  
  


How it came to this is a mystery. He is not complaining, if that's what Hongbin wants he is no one to to deny him but… Hongbin is not about giving control, he is about taking it. It makes him a little anxious to be asked to top. Not because he dislikes it or because he never did it before, but because he has this constant feeling he is being tested. And the reasons for Hongbin's tests are almost always something to be wary about.

They ended up on the floor somehow, because Hongbin pulled him down and he went easily. So now he is stripped off his customary sweater with Hongbin's hands traveling through the expanse of his back. “I don't bottom in so long… Please be careful.” His legs part easily to fit Taekwoon between them. His smile is warm. Much  like the rest of him. “Scared?” Hongbin giggles. “Scared of my reasons?” Taekwoon smiles weakly and nods. They are past the point of hiding things anyway. At least for Taekwoon because hiding things is part of Hongbin's business. “You know I keep things from you, right?” He does. Taekwoon knows. He never asked for a reason.

“I do.”

Hongbin smiles. “I have a lot of things to hide. But I would tell you if you asked.” He places Taekwoon's hands on his hips. _Demanding_. “Fortunately, you don't know the right questions.” His body arches off the fluffy white carpet. The remaining blood of the wounds rubs off in synthetic fur. It's too much skin presented at once. “I will make this house safe again. Make this city safe again… For you.” His smile is beautiful. He is always beautiful.

His skin if smooth and he keeps guiding Taekwoon's hands around his body with mute instructions. Hongbin offers him a pill with a gentle smile, this one is pink and round. Looks like candy but he won't ask what it does.

The only explanation he gets is Hongbin whispering _you will like it_ a little too hotly in his ears for his hands have wondered too low on his crotch and brushed against willing flesh. Still clothed, but willing nonetheless.

Taekwoon sometimes forgets how cold his hands are.

The pill effervesces on his tongue and he swallows the foam when it stars gathering too much saliva. It tastes like strawberries and some fucked up bitter taste he can't even recognize. All in all it's just awful.

But it hits pretty fast. It starts on a tingling sensation on his extremities, but it's very soon to evolve to a breathless feeling and a fast paced heart.

He feels like he can run for miles and every patch of skin heats up as if engulfed by fire and breathing is _hard_.

Thinking is downright _impossible_.

He knows his pupils must have dilated because suddenly a few blotches of color starts dancing in front of his eyes and his mind is not only buzzing, it is singing.

Hongbin is smiling like everything is actually in it’s right place and Taekwoon blinks too many times to get used to this colorful spots.

He can stay still, and when Hongbin's too hot hands claw at his back as if he is trying to bruise (and maybe is) Taekwoon feels no pain. He feels an electric shock and his arms falter in supporting him on top on Hongbin for less than a second.

But he feels something coiling inside, it's jittery and nervous. An unstable furious feeling that crawls at the edges of his vision telling that what is given will the then offered and his muscles are not a problem, not a hindrance he is not made of flesh anymore and he is just an outsider watching his own body move like a puppet.

But Hongbin is violence.

So he is too.

It all blows up when he hears. Maybe from Hongbin, maybe from his own inner and caged beast saying _no need for tenderness._

The words ring clearly and he almost repeat them out loud.

 _No tenderness_.

Of course. This was never about tenderness, and Hongbin much like every other monster here, faces tenderness as weakness. Taekwoon is his weakness because he is gentle with him. Gentle and caring and soft.

Weak. _Taekwoon makes him weak_.

And that _cannot_ be forgiven.

 _Cannot_ be forgotten.

He has to mend his mistakes.

For making the beast _weak_ in a land where only the strong will survive. In darkness no tenderness is appreciated.

Love doesn't come in tenderness. It comes in _sacrifice_. It doesn't show in bounds of words, it shows in bound of _blood_.

Hongbin offered him all, every little corner of all possible interpretations of love. The love of a monster, and the love of a man. Complete like that, selfless and selfish by nature.

He feels important, since day one he has been so thoroughly value... Mistook it for insanity for so long… No, that is, after all, the purest form of loving and caring. But he can see the way of his mistakes, find fault in his blindness.

He feels Hongbin gasp and clutch at him when he suddenly brings them up and off the floor. His head spins a little but now he found clarity, he has to pay for his ignorance. And he can't tell if Hongbin is heavy or not for he feels like his body is not even tangible. He is _made_ of this feeling. So when Hongbin's back collides with the wall, and he mildly acknowledges his own hands holding the underside of Hongbin's thighs to keep him _up_. Or even the way Hongbin wraps his legs shamelessly around his waist to keep him _close_...

_Closer still._

He can't help but sigh. Sigh at the feeling and the strong desire to keep Hongbin near him. To offer a fraction of his feeling back at him.

Love him right. “What do you want from me?” He just registered, he is panting hard and he feels himself starting to sweat, not from the room's temperature but from this high. He feels sweat starting to coil at his brow and it's suffocating. “Mess me up… Like I would do to you.” That's what Hongbin says, or half says half gasps when Taekwoon’s thigh slides between his legs to help keeping him up, and presses because the wall will do most of the work and he enjoys the feeling of skin like this.

“Like you would do to me?” He repeats that. His mind spins and he smiles, then laughs. It all sound very funny right now.

But ok, done…

Like he would do to him then.

He can smell smoke down the hallway.

 

**~×~**

 

 

Wonshik is out, evading the strong smell of smoke from countless cigarettes he can still feel on his nostrils. Hours passed, he spoke with a bunch of dudes but he can only remember half of them. He is not drunk drunk but he is a little more than just tipsy as well.

Things seem to be going fine. Working smoothly. But now it's a little past one and he doesn't feel like going home yet, so he walks.

He walks and ends up on a small park, near one nice neighborhood but not quite there yet. The old, depressing, gray buildings still linger around, with broken windows and graffiti on the walls.

The kind of place he feels more at ease in but… somewhere ahead...

Somewhere ahead there is this person. A man. Clearly he doesn't belong in the middle of the downtown chaos. His walk is to careful and his head hangs too low.

Everything about him screams outsider and that's the kind of person who will most likely be robbed in a place like this, in an hour like this.

Surely enough, two guys come out from an alley and start their way towards this guy… he is tall but even from this distance Wonshik can see the guy on the left has a knife.

Knifes are the best weapon for robbers at night like this, they are quiet and very much threatening.

He takes a swing from this expensive wine he got from one of the guys he spoke with today. It's normal to try buying secrets out of Wonshik, but he is pretty much more expensive than a single bottle of wine.

Even if this wine is good stuff.

The two guys get this dude's shoulder and corner him against the wall. The guy doesn't even flinch. Well he is either too bold or too stupid to care about being threated with knifes on his neck. The guy on the left barks for him give his phone and wallet. A simple robbery after all.

But instead of providing said items the guy doesn't seem to move. Wonshik is not paying much attention anyway. The guys from here have to do their own business anyway. The guy on the left presses the knife down but the man is still. His hoodie covers his face so Wonshik can't make out his features but… it must be something challenging for the guy on the right, the talk one delivers on direct punch across his face and the man stumbles to the side, the guy with the knife gets his back and throws him back against the wall.

The man is still unperturbed. But his face is not in the open and… _Shit! Is that Taekwoon?!_

He hops off the bench he was in and shouts one single hey more to ask if Taekwoon is ok than to properly stop any criminal intentions. That's the turn out anyway, one of the man mutters one small fuck under his breath and fishes Taekwoon’s wallet from his pocket hastily before running away with his friend in tow. Small criminals don't kill if they can help it.

The law is heavy on the weakest points of the chain. And they? They are the base of the food chain anywhere.

Taekwoon rubs the blood of his lip with his sleeve, sliding down the wall and ending up sitting on the cold ground.

He looks up as Wonshik approaches him. “What the fuck are you doing alone in here? Better still. How the fuck did you even _get here_?”

Moments of quiet consideration pass. As if Taekwoon is asking himself the same thing. “I was… I think I got a bus here… I'm not… Maybe I'm wrong.” He looks a little out of it, his eyes just can't focus. _Is he high_? “I don't know where I… I don't remember where I was  going when I…” He moves his hand, telling Wonshik to fill in the gaps himself.

“Why aren't you with Hongbin?” He asks, tapping him to look for any other injuries. He is too slow to be sober. He took something. Why and what will forever be a mystery. “Does he know where you are?”

Taekwoon shakes his head like a regretful child. Thinking back at his mistakes and not finding any means to mend his wrongdoings. “I think I fought with Hongbin... That's why I… I…” and he starts sobbing, firstly lightly and but steady increasing. Progressively shrinking into himself and burring his face into his hands  like all hope is lost. “I-I'm sorry…”

Such a beautiful sound… He almost forgot how pretty Taekwoon is when he cries. He smiles, more to himself than to Taekwoon. “You don't have to cry, beautiful. Why did you fight?”

In response Taekwoon only looks confused. Frowning lightly as if trying to do both, stopping the sobs bubbling up his throat and remembering why exactly was the reason behind the fight.

But he can't.

He doesn't.

His lip is still split and and swollen. Wonshik sighs. “Come on. I'll take you home.”  Taekwoon sniffs sadly and Wonshik thinks he is quite cute. “I only give you trouble, Wonshik-ah… You're a good friend.” Yeah, he only says that because he has never been on the same room as him while he does interrogation. Taekwoon rises from the floor with a little help from Wonshik's extended hand.

Taekwoon’s hand is cold as a corpse's. But it's also smooth and soft skinned. The mentioned only loses focus while staring at Wonshik's tattoos. “Why are you high?” Taekwoon's eyes rise at question. Confused. He's not high. He didn't take anything.

He shakes his head and the motion makes him dizzy. “I'm not high.” He mutters as Wonshik supports him by the waist. His hand steady at his lower back. “I'm not.” He realises he is saying this mostly to himself.

“Slow down, beautiful.” Wonshik laughs easily. Always laughing.

He knows how much everyone misses Wonshik. He is useful and important and friendly. He is part of the family. “Why don't you go back?” He sounds so sad, he feels sad to. When he leans into Wonshik's arms he feels like a lot of problems are piling inside him.

“I have business here now.”  he says mildly. He does, he has things to take care of here. He can't go back. “Come. I'll take you home.”

“I never understood why would you leave after a silly discussion if not even the order to keep me pleased was enough to bother you.” Wonshik hums. That's an easy question.

He gets Taekwoon’s hand and starts walking. “Two things, mostly. Number one is that touching you is not all that hard, you were already my buddy for tending my wounds all the time. Number two is because it was not about the fight, it’s about trust. Trust is my number one rule.” Taekwoon hums, he doesn't know if he is even listening properly. So he just keeps talking aimlessly. “But that's not all… let's just say I have some business to take care of.”

Even in this state he is more than capable to drive his motorcycle down to a corner next to the mansion. To drop Taekwoon off without attracting attention. “Man who is taking care of my fucking camellias? I swear to god if they die I'm going to murder a bitch.” Taekwoon giggles and Wonshik looks at him a little annoyed. “That's not funny, man. My camellias are like, the best in this fucking state.” Taekwoon openly laughs at that and Wonshik playfully punches his arm. “I won't punch you because you're smashed as fuck but you watch out while talking about my flowers.” He points his fingers like a warning and Taekwoon bites his lip as to not start laughing again. “Yeah, you better hold back this giggles. You jerk.”

Taekwoon smiles easily at him. Wonshik is very easy to be around. “Thank you Wonshik-ah… You're always good to me.” A grounding force. Wonshik does this noise and holds back as to not say stupid shit.

Stupid shit like saying he is not good at all. Being brothers comes with a few small perks is all.

“Hyung!” And then there is Hongbin crashing into his back and making him almost fall over Wonshik. Which would be pretty comic in itself. Hongbin is shaking.

He can barely register that, and he wonders if it’s from the cold of the anger. Maybe a mix of both. “I’m sorry I ran I just-” Hongbin is kissing him, maybe that’s why he can’t hear himself talking anymore, maybe he just lost track of what he was saying mid sentence and Hongbin mercifully spared him the effort of having to elaborate again.

Wonshik keeps his eyes on them very easily.

In all honesty he has seen worse but that doesn’t stop Taekwoon from being a little embarrassed himself. “I taste blood.” Hongbin is like a shark, it’s amazing really. It’s just a small cut and his lip is just a little swollen it’s nothing much. “Wonshik I swear to god if you have something to do with this… If you _marked_ him-”

He has no chance of finishing for Wonshik is cutting him short. “I didn’t. Marking is your thing not mine. I don’t want to _keep_ anything for this long.” He nods towards Taekwoon. “Him included.”

Taekwoon watches the exchange in  silence. As long as no one is trying to kill no one it’s ok. They can’t get into worse terms anyway. Wonshik does not live with them anymore. Hongbin seems to find truth in that, he is instantly pacified.

Then there is a smirk. “Oh?” Wonshik seems to frown at Hongbin’s tone. It’s like he knows Hongbin knows something that Taekwoon can’t even guess. “Oh so you… I knew it.” Wonshik looks a little thrown off and Taekwoon is just plainly confused.

But again, that seems to be the normal state of things.

“You better shut that mouth of yours Hongbin-ah.” It is a warning, clear and serious and Taekwoon is already thinking about possible interventions.

Giggles. Hongbin’s answer is a set of joyful giggles. “I’m right then? Of course I’m right. Don’t worry, I won’t tell. But you would… Wouldn’t you?” Wonshik runs his fingers through his dark lock and sighs, nodding once, very briefly. “I knew we weren’t so different after all… If you were still family, I would let you.”

Wonshik snorts. “No you wouldn’t. I can tell when you lie, remember?” Hongbin smiles turns to Taekwoon.

“Bid him goodbye. I will be waiting inside.” Hongbin turns on his back and starts walking towards the door again, Taekwoon just blinks. The meaning of this entire conversation just missed him entirely.

There is a column of fire and smoke in the backyard, like when he left and saw all those bodies.

But it's fine now.

He turns to Wonshik but he can only see his back as he hops on his motorcycle and goes away.

The smell of burnt flesh makes him nauseus, he doesn't want to go inside yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed uvu  
> Thank you for all your love as always :)


	20. Secret

Hongbin fidgets in bed for what seems like an eternity. And Taekwoon wonders what is happening for him to be so restless.

He laid in bed with Hongbin sooner that night, hands cupping his cheeks like he was attempting to calm a dog before a car ride, and Hongbin looks at him like he felt something sad coiling inside his heart. “You're not mad?” It's all Hongbin asks, Taekwoon took some time to get inside. The pyre happening on the backyard kept him outside for longer than intended… He went inside, eventually. His limbs asking for his bed and an ice pack. If the outside smelled like smoke, the inside smelled like bleach.

It still does.

Hongbin makes a point by staying in bed for longer this morning, and Taekwoon wraps his arms around him gently as he wakes up. He likes this particular sweater more than the others. It makes Hongbin look like a teddy bear. “I'm not mad.” He mumbles softly into Hongbin's hair, and feels him unwounding. Like a knot. He settles back against Taekwoon's chest to breathe him in. “You smell nice…” He smiles. His smile looks like a content little gesture. Taekwoon hums on the verge between slumber and awakening, he feels pleasantly warm all over and nothing hurts. It's the first time in weeks he wakes like this. One may blame the painkillers he took before going to sleep. He calls it happiness. “I didn't knew you had a tattoo, Hongbinnie…” that is also true. He saw Hongbin naked too many times but… (maybe because he is not one to stare at naked people) He never noticed the small black word on his inner thighs. He only noticed because Hongbin was checking for bruises (a habit everyone in this house seems to share) and he happened to notice the end of the word peeking out of his boxers, on his inner thigh. For a second he almost thought it was a birthmark. But upon looking more carefully, he did notice the rolling of a letter.

It was a word.

The problem came when Hongbin caught him staring. And he hastily (quite to Hongbin's amusement) explained he was trying to make what that mark on his thigh was.

Hongbin mercifully left him off the  hook for the time being, but informed that was his only tattoo. The one he got when he ran away from home.

One on each thigh.

_Away_

_Within_

Taekwoon could only see the endings of the Within on his left thigh. It was also the first time Hongbin spoke about his past. Of anything related to himself in general.

So now, with Hongbin in his arms he is thinking. Wondering what does those two words mean.

They certainly _mean_ something or Hongbin would not even bother. He is not one for acting without reason. Not even his teen self looks like the kind to tattoo something over nothing.

But now is not the time to talk about this. Hongbin's fingertips trace his ribs, counting them gently.

Taekwoon must not know, he is waiting to know if Hakyeon got the responsibles for hitting his hyung. Nothing will be forgiven.

_Nothing._

“Don't you have to work Hongbinnie? Don't let me keep you.” Hongbin is dragged out of his own thoughts and back to Taekwoon and his eyes. To this time and place, stopping the light ministrations over his bones.

He only shakes his head with a gentle smile. “ _Keep me_.” His voice is soft and smooth. Whispering like telling things meant only for Taekwoon and his ears. Taekwoon’s small smile makes Hongbin's own grown wider.

Taekwoon shifts in bed, Hongbin shifting with him, back against the mattress as he watches Taekwoon hoovering over him. One hand one the bed to keep himself up, the other on Hongbin's face to smile down at him.

Curiosity got the best of him, he shuffles a little more, crawling near Hongbin's folded legs. Hongbin parts them easily for him and Taekwoon averts his eyes a little shyly at how comfortable Hongbin is in exposing himself like this. Hongbin is chuckling and cooing over the small tint of pink to creep it's way over his face.

 _Cute_.

But… he has a purpose. A purpose that does not involve being shy over Hongbin's shamelessness.

His hands come up a little hesitantly. Hongbin only silently watches him, with half-lidded eyes but a very intense gaze. Head tilted to one side and hands lying uselessly beside his head.

Taekwoon swallows on nothing, mouth a little dry. It's probably the first time he does this without the influence of any of his pills. He can't take them with the painkillers coursing through his system still. Being like this… is a lot more intense than he anticipated.

His frozen hand moves finally, coming to touch the soft skin of Hongbin's inner thighs, and he allows him.

Allows him to ride up the brim of his boxers a little. Allows him to touch the black inked letters carved there.

_AWAY_

It's a beautiful handwriting, that reminds him a little Hongbin's own.

It must have hurt to make a tattoo so high on his inner thighs. The skin there is sensitive and has more chances of infections.

As promised the other thigh shows in equally dark letters _WITHIN_.

“What does this tattoos mean to you, Hongbinnie?” Hongbin just keeps looking at him, this time with a small smirk.

Taekwoon sheepishly removes his hands from Hongbin's thighs, just for Hongbin to suddenly switch positions. Straddling him, hands on each side of Taekwoon's head, and his own blonde hair a mess over his eyes. “You want to know my secrets, hyung? Is that what you want?” Taekwoon stumbles over his own words, hands useless on the mattress for he does not know if he has permission to touch. “Curious?” Taekwoon nods a little. Hongbin is always chaos, making him breathless and lost.

Ironically enough, being lost seems like a comfort of sorts. “Does my mind makes you wonder? Want to know what goes inside my head?” He leans in, closer, their faces inches apart. His hair tickles Taekwoon's face. He is doomed.

“What if I do?” _So doomed_. Hongbin smiles. Pleased. It's very clear by the way his dimples show. His voice when he whispers _ask then_ is all too inviting. “I love this sweater.” He says instead. Hands come to cup at Hongbin's hipbones, using his thumbs to draw the line of his navel. “And I love you as well.” He smiles kindly and Hongbin touches his neck with the tips of his fingers. “You are so beautiful, so caring and intense. I'm so lucky to have you-” Hongbin covers his mouth with one hand, eyes closed. Taekwoon is quick to notice things, and he noticed a while ago Hongbin really likes when he _talks_. Loves his voice. So even if it's a little hard to make the words fit together, even harder to say them _out loud_ he does. He does because Hongbin likes to hear it and he is just a little lightheaded from the fumes of the cleaning products. Not high, not drunk, just lightheaded.

Maybe he is like this because his mind keeps _nagging_ him about the fact yesterday a lot of people were executed all over the house, and he needs some happiness.

To forget about the blood stains and the blank space he has from the moment he took that damn pink pill (which just entered the list of drugs he won't ever do again) to the moment he woke up five in the morning asking for a painkiller or he would die.

Let's just skip the part where he just spent half an hour vomiting because his entire body _hated his guts_.

Quite literally.

Hongbin refused to tell him what happened in the in between. He said it didn't matter and smiled to him.

Only bothered to mention they would have a new staff at home and he should be ready for new faces.

Taekwoon is almost sure something happened because he remembers taking that pink manifestation of hell twice. But he is also almost sure he hallucinated or dreamed one of those two times so he can’t quite recollect the memories of _how_ that pill got into his body. He remembers Wonshik faintly. And fire. But there is fire in both of his versions of his memories.

Things he can say for sure happened: he took the pill; Hongbin is indeed bruised; fire; he has a split lip.

But… for the rest… Wonshik? A street robbery? A fight with Hongbin? How? Why?

Things are blurry and end up inevitably in him, out cold in the living room. Hongbin carrying him here and the overwhelming smell of bleach.

Hongbin's voice eases the frown that has been created between his brows. “I lost your attention again.”

The house is empty. Hongbin started feeling weird like this… Having people around all the time. So he instructed all the staff (aside from the inner circle and the security staff down the basement) to leave the house and return only when called.

The inner circle is out at this time. Working on the incident from last night. A lot of trouble would come from that.

Not now though. Now Hongbin looks distracted, with his back straight, looking out of the window, this creamy white sweater too large for him, one shoulder completely exposed and his hands covered almost entirely. Taekwoon almost laughs at the way Hongbin's thighs press his ribs to get his attention. “I'm listening.” Taekwoon says gently and Hongbin makes a sound, another when Taekwoon starts rubbing circles into his hip bones, but this one is different. “Bin-ah…” Hongbin looks at him then, eyes soft and expression neutral. “Can I try something?” Hongbin nods easily. _Anything you want_.

Taekwoon sits up, moving Hongbin lower on his legs so he can move, and Hongbin allows him, wriggling into his lap to make himself comfortable again. “I'm completely sober.” He says, and Hongbin tilts his head to the side. He never opposed the recreational drugs Taekwoon sometimes uses. As long as no addiction was involved it's fine.

The only addiction Taekwoon is allowed to have is on him. He surely enjoys the thought. And smiles to himself despite the fact that Taekwoon has not finished yet.

The smile is overthrown by an expression of surprise when Taekwoon harbors the courage necessary to say. “Fuck me like this… I want to remember.” The smile is soon to resurface though, dimples accentuated and eyes forming small slits. “It's just…” a pause, he bites his lips. He's nervous. _Endearing_. “It's been a while and… all the other times I was high on something and… I don't want you to think I need drugs to want you.”

“I never thought that.” Hongbin says easily. The fire from last night quenched his own, and he is playing nice for he can see the marks of his fingers around Taekwoon's neck.

Clothes are discarded wordlessly. Taekwoon prefers it like this. With Hongbin serious expression instead of his words…

His words are… as intense as him.

But then his hands still. "You would really go ahead with this, wouldn't you?" Taekwoon blinks up at him a little confusedly. "Hey hyung... Can I tell you a secret?"


	21. Lies

“A secret?” He hears himself echoing. Hongbin hums and nods slowly.

He has that face that tells he is up to no good. “I made this tattoos by the time I went to a reformatory. Wonshik made them for me.” _Wonshik?_ “Curious? Too bad I don't feel like telling you the story… Consider it punishment.”

Taekwoon blinks back at him. “For… For what? What did I do?” Hongbin smiles again, the same smile he offered when Taekwoon asked the first time. “I wonder…” It must have something to do with the previous night, the night Hongbin refuses to tell him about.

The door snaps open and Hakyeon steps  inside. Breathless. Hongbin does not ask, only waits for him to talk by himself. “Wonshik was stabbed. _Come now_.”

Hongbin is up and getting his shoes even before Taekwoon sits and starts to get dressed. “They found him on his apartment downtown… You have been lying to me Hongbin.”

Not giving himself the trouble of answering any accusations Hongbin is downstairs and Hakyeon is looking at Taekwoon and urging him to get dressed.

Which he is quick to comply. He would anyway, he feels way too exposed under Hakyeon’s scrutinizing gaze.

In the haze of leaving Taekwoon forgets two weeks things: his pills and his cellphone.

Promising.

 

**~+~**

 

As Hongbin talks to the doctor, Taekwoon and the others follows Hakyeon to the room. Room 209 at the end of the hallway, but the sound of things shattering and screaming reaches his ears before they reach the door.

What?

Hakyeon impassively opens the door, deflating almost immediately, even if the reason for the shattering and screaming is not any better.

“Yah! Wonshik-ah! Let go of this man’s arm!” Taekwoon hears Sanghyuk yelling. Taekwoon himself says nothing, only mildly frowns at the scene.

Wonshik’s eyes are glazed, and he is sweating and panting like he just took way too many drugs and decided to run a maraton. But still he has this man with his arm twisted behind his back and it seemed to hurt because his shoulder is doing this weird shit that shoulders shouldn’t do. “WHO THE FUCK BROUGHT ME TO A HOSPITAL?! WHO DID THIS?! I’LL FUCKING MURDER THEM!”

The man’s face is so strained it matches his arm, a little more pressure and his shoulder will just pop out of it’s socket, he is wisely keeping it quiet though. Taekwoon never saw Wonshik’s voice doing this, he sounds like explosions and earthquakes, like he is willing to very much ruins and burn every single thing around him just because he can.

And he can.

“Wonshik-as stop screaming, we’re right here.” This time is Jaehwan who speaks, and Wonshik is looking down, frowning lightly, shaking a little, his breath coming in short puffs of air as he tries to make sense of his current surroundings and understand why he is in so much pain.

Either way he releases the man, and Hakyeon who hasn’t said a word until now stomps inside to slap the side of Wonshik’s face so hard he loses balance and falls over a near a hospital stretcher. Taekwoon hears Sanghyuk hissing beside him and just for that he can say it must have hurt a lot.

Just like that and without saying nothing else, Hakyeon exits the room in long strides, probably after Hongbin. But his attention is taken back to the man inside the room as Wonshik groans and clutches at his side where is _still_ bleeding, trying to stand up again.

Jaehwan goes inside first after a particularly loud and kind of obnoxious sigh. “Hey, Kitten! Help me put him back in the bed.” Since Taekwoon is, by all means, very confused for quite some time now, the instructions are welcomed, and he goes inside to support Wonshik’s left side as Jaehwan takes the right, guiding a grunting Wonshik back to his hospital bed as Sanghyuk chases after Hakyeon to stop any further attempts at violence. “Damn Kit-Kat! You’re heavy!” They put Wonshik down onto the bed and Jaehwan goes sit on the only chair in the room, but it's okay, Taekwoon doesn't feel like sitting right now.

Instead, he thinks.

Why did Wonshik got stabbed? That question alone has more answers than Taekwoon is even capable of counting.

Then there is why did Hakyeon hit him? They fought, yes, but when Wonshik left Hakyeon looked convinced that the fault was his. He apologized several times already, both to Hongbin and to Wonshik.

There was not a single drop of regret in his eyes when he his hand collided with Wonshik’s face.

Further back still. Hongbin. His tattoos? How did they all come together? What else does Hongbin hide?

He must have so many secrets and still… It strikes him just how little he knows about any of them.

Strangely, the thought does not bother him.

Can he even be bothered by anything that is done to him? Probably not.

That's a funny concept.

Wonshik groans again and Taekwoon lowers his head to look at him, laying in the hospital bed with his brows knitted together and his eyes out of focus. “I hate hospitals…” he hears Wonshik mumble and cough.

It's been a few minutes and no doctor made their way into the room… nor any member of the security staff. Hongbin must be handling the situation, even then, even if Wonshik’s bleeding is somewhat controlled, Taekwoon does not know how much blood he already lost.

And Jaehwan slept at some point in these past few minutes…

If anything Taekwoon is not surprised. They keep Jaehwan under some strong medications to keep him off trouble during the day. He is mostly too lethargic to do anything other than watch Netflix and sing songs to his anime plushies. He slept the whole way to the hospital. He sat down so… Well, Taekwoon thinks it's  kind of cute. “Wonshik-ah… Have they given you anything?” He is using the voice he uses for sick children but he doubts Wonshik can answer his question. It's not a surprise when he doesn't, not coherently at least.

Okay he is not a doctor and can safely say he is not even remotely capable of doing what is needed but… He can try? Maybe? If nobody comes?

As he considers his options carefully (on of the perks of being sober) a very sheepish, very shy nurse clears her throat by the door and Taekwoon looks at her and sees as Wonshik tries to sit up almost instantly. “Hey, you. What's your name?” The nurse points at herself as he makes Wonshik lay down again, staring at his soaked bandages and sweaty, bloody stained skin, cold but humid. “Actually, forget it. Come here and tell me what to do. He is… wary of doctors.” the nurse frowns. Taekwoon smiles a little amusedly, the tips of his fingers are a little red from were he touched the bandages. “He needs a transfusion or something like that doesn't he?”

She nods a little, finally stepping inside. “Something like that. I can't allow you to do medical procedure but maybe you can help?”

Taekwoon nods. Jaehwan will be fine, he won't wake up before dawn anyway.

 

**~×~**

 

“Mr. Lee allowed you to help in the process.” Says doctor… Choi. God bless the name tags. Taekwoon has been nodding to people for at least ten minutes now, and even if they said Wonshik was found fairly quick and he somehow knows how to behave in case of stabbing… Taekwoon thinks this may not be the first time Wonshik is stabbed and he is worried about blood loss.

They give Taekwoon a syringe and a pair of gloves. The moment he gets close to Wonshik with it though, he flinches back and stares at him with suspicion. “The hell ‘s that?” He asks that and it sounds a little rough, a little slurred, barely coherent. Taekwoon is more surprised with the fact that Wonshik is still awake than anything else. “It's for the pain.” it is. But it will also knock him down hard.

Wonshik’s eyes turn to slitd as he faces the nurse. Taekwoon would find him threatening if he wasn't bleeding and barely awake. “I take responsibility,” Wonshik looks back at him and he snifs once. There goes the threat. “For anything they do to you.”

A long and heavy moment of silence passed, with the doctors around them and Wonshik bleeding and Taekwoon worried.

Eventually Wonshik nods weakly and his head hits the pillow again, he grumbles one I fucking hate hospitals as Taekwoon applies… Whatever this is and Wonshik passes out almost instantly. They tell him to count to ten, he reaches two before blacking out and a nurse is trying to move Taekwoon out and he slaps her hand away. “It's my responsibility, I will stay. And don't touch me.” He leans back on a wall, near a corner, to stay out of the way, and the nurse shots a worried look to doctor Choi, who only mildly gives a dismissive wave of hand.

The man wants to stay, he stays.

It's not like he cares if this particular patient gets an infection anyway.

Anyway the stabbing didn't get anything vital, even if there was an attempt. Short blade, it seems. Maybe a foldable one.

The constant beep of that machine makes Taekwoon a little nervous, but despite that, he feels a little numb… He wonders why.

He is, in a sense, in a situation between life and death. But for the first time it's not his possible death. That only should make him more nervous. It would normally.

It doesn't now.

He barely feels the tips of his fingers, but that's normal by this point. He wonders what Hongbin is doing right now. Did he and Hakyeon had a fight?

How much time has passed? Taekwoon is not sure but… a lot? It feels like a lot, his legs are a little numb.

But that can happen for many reasons, he does feel like he forgot something really important.

When the doctor approaches him, Taekwoon flinches back to earth, the doctor looks at him with his brows furrowed. “Congratulations. This man won't die, go buy a cake.” The nurse whispers an exasperated doctor that Dr.Choi ignores easily as he walks out of the room.

Taekwoon follows after the last few nurses as they go out, giving one last worried glance in Wonshik’s direction. He has to go look for Jaehwan, see if he is already sleeping, and talk to Hakyeon.

Where is Hongbin anyway?

 

**~×~**

 

Taekwoon is having difficulties at keeping his focus steady.

He didn't find Hakyeon, nor did he find Hongbin. He did, however, find Jaehwan still sleeping on the couch, Sanghyuk sitting by the window, as soon as he spots Taekwoon by the door he runs to him. “Hey hyung! What happened?” he looks worried, and Taekwoon rests a hand on his shoulder and tells him everything is fine and Wonshik is just sleeping.

But he feels like sitting, so he does. Sanghyuk asks if he is ok and he says he is, only nods silently because his mind is busy elsewhere. He can't exactly pinpoint where, but it is.

It's about this time Hongbin storms inside with a nurse behind him. “But sir-” Hongbin raises a hand and opens a cabinet, briefly looking at Jaehwan before slamming it shut so hard the whole set shakes and Jaehwan  startles awake and almost falls down his chair. “Let's go. I have my report.”

Sanghyuk blinks a few times and helps Jaehwan up with one hand and an amused smile. The smile turns into confusion when Hongbin announces their departure.

“What about Hakyeon? And Wonshik?” Sanghyuk blinks confused, he is almost sure Wonshik will throw hell into this place when he wakes up again.

Hongbin looks over his shoulder as he checks the time. “Hakyeon can go fuck himself. I hate drama.” Taekwoon shakes his head. He won't leave without Wonshik or Hakyeon, Hongbin's eyes soften a little when he looks in Taekwoon’s direction. “What is it, hyung?”

Taekwoon pushes himself off the wall, looking at Hongbin and letting him know he won't change his mind. “I won't leave without any of them. Where are you going?”

Hongbin smile softens, along with his eyes, somehow Taekwoon expected something different. Even when he approaches him as if Jaehwan and Sanghyuk are not there, his steps are a lot gentler than he imagined them to be. Sometimes he forgets Hongbin needs time for his focus to widen again. “Is it because of Hakyeon or Wonshik? Who should I blame?” He sounds carefree when he caresses his face and Taekwoon holds his hand in place and kisses his wrist.

Hongbin never answers his questions.

“Do as you please, hyung. I will come get you myself later.” He plays a little with the necklace around Tarkwoon's neck and Taekwoon tries not to look at his lips as he speaks. Something slips into his pants and for a small moment of panic Taekwoon thinks it's a hand.

But no, it's too hard and too cold to be a hand. It's just a gun. “Be  careful. I love you.” He whispers against Tarkwoon's lips and Taekwoon feels more than sees as the other two cough a little awkwardly. “Let's go. I already have someone I can shoot. Call Minsoo, Sanghyuk. We will go to the beach.”

And then they leave, and Hongbin's absence makes Taekwoon notice just how cold he has been this entire time. No wonder he is feeling a little slow.

Now. Where is Hakyeon?

Maybe he should announce him on the speakers like some lost child.

 

**~×~**

 

He doesn't, Hakyeon is just smoking outside. Signing so obnoxiously loud it's hard not to notice him. “Hakyeon-ah.” Hakyeon looks at him and takes a long drag of his expensive minty cigarette and Taekwoon pets his arm sympathetically. “Do you want to do go have a drink?”

Hakyeon blinks. Pretending seriousness. “It's not even lunch yet. We barely had breakfast.” Taekwoon had no breakfast at all, but he doesn't voice that.

Instead he offers a very small smile. “I pay.”

Hakyeon grabs his coat and throws the stub away. “Let's go.”

This bar is not a big deal but it has alcohol and that's all that really matters. Taekwoon nurses his half full glass of whiskey very carefully, Hakyeon drinks with the same intensity as he lives. Which is a lot.

But he is not even flushes yet.

Impressive.

“Why are you so angry, Hakyeon-ah?” He asks after Hakyeon tires of calling the barman and asks for the bottle instead.

Hakyeon makes a sound. “Because Wonshik and Hongbin are two pieces of shit and I’ll personally run my car over Wonshik’s camellias once we get home.” He grumbles, resting his head over his hand like a pissed teenager. “Always with these fucking secrets and shit. They have this thing with being brothers and it pisses me off beyond imagination.” Taekwoon considers petting Hakyeon’s shoulder again but refrains. He did that quite a few times already. “It's super weird because they don't have anything with each other. Like a _thing with each other_ which would make sense but they don't but even so they look like a married couple.” Then he whines and Taekwoon flinches back a little, looking around to confirm that several pairs of eyes are now on them. “Maybe I'm just jealous that they would give one of their kidneys for each other. Like, Hongbin trusts Wonshik so much he doesn't even visit him at the hospital, because he is like super sure Wonshik will be fine and shit.” This time Taekwoon pets Hakyeon's back gently, even if he is by all means, frowning at how Hakyeon speaks. He sounds like a teenage girl. If anything Taekwoon actually thinks it's kind of funny, kind of cute, even if a little annoying. He feels the corners of his mouth turning upwards and wills them back into impassiveness.

The only thing is that he fails to understand why their visceral friendship would be a problem. They are both a little weird, a little troublesome, know each other for a very long time. “And what's the problem?” Hakyeon hits the glass against the table. “I'm the eyes and ears of this city. It's impossible to hide things from me for long… _still_ they look me in the eye and lie. I hate being toyed with. I fucking hate it.” _Lies? What lies?_

Taekwoon hears Hakyeon’s phone ringing and him groaning before getting it and snapping  it open. “ _What_?” A brief silence. “No. Fuck you, Hongbin. Call me tomorrow, I won't do shit today.” More silence. “Then find someone better then me, you fucker.” Taekwoon snatches the phone then, holding Hakyeon away from it with his free arm as he wriggles and tries to get it back half-heartedly.

“Hongbinnie?” The is a brief silence at the other end of the line. Before Hongbin saying a confused hyung? that makes Taekwoon want to smile. “He is a bit drunk right now, sorry.” He hears Hongbin chuckling as Hakyeon barks one _sober enough to say what I think give me back my phone_. “It's fine. It amuses me. How are you?” He sounds cheerful. Something good must have happened.

He blinks, still holding Hakyeon’s feeble attempts at getting his own phone back. “I'm fine. Hakyeon stop.” It's almost comical how Hakyeon goes completely slack and whines like he just doesn't want to share his toys. Taekwoon allows him to rest his head against his thighs for the time being. Hongbin chuckles again. “I see Hakyeon is busy being insufferable. Can you do me a favor, then?” Taekwoon finds himself nodding before noticing it's a phone call and in phone calls you have to say words. “Yes.”

The smirk in Hongbin's voice is always audible no matter how noisy the place. “I love hearing you say yes…” Taekwoon clears his throat when Hakyeon looks up at him with his brows arched. He sheepishly ask for Hongbin to focus and the man just laughs. “Get Wonshik’s belongings and bring them to me. More specifically, I want his folders. Can you do that for me, hyung?”

This time Taekwoon offers one careful _sure_ and says his goodbyes before giving the phone back to a very grumpy Hakyeon, who sits back up immediately and rises to his feet without a trace of any drunken stupor he should have but doesn't. He snatches Tarkwoon's credit card and goes to pay the bill without looking back.

Taekwoon would never admit the small amused smile to flash by his lips for only an instant.

Never.

When he joins Hakyeon by the exit and receives his credit card back, mildly wondering how Hakyeon knows the code, he is very mindful at how Hakyeon pretends to be annoyed with him. “I'm going home. Have fun with that liar.” He says as he calls for a cab. Taekwoon just nods and bids him a simple _see you at home_ that makes Hakyeon flash a small smile for a second and only a second.

That would forever be the moment Cha Hakyeon took Jung Taekwoon as one of his own and if there is a thing people tend to avoid, that thing is messing with Cha Hakyeon’s family.

He passed the test. He is trustworthy enough. Up until now he had his doubts, but it looks like Jaehwan was right after all. They should bring Taekwoon into the inner circle.

As he stares out the window of the cab with a small smirk he wonders how long will it take for Taekwoon to become like them.

Not much longer. “Take me to the Lee’s mansion.”


	22. Gravity

“Sir, please go back to bed.” Taekwoon didn't even reach the end of the hallway but he knows, he just _knows_ from where the complains are coming. “ _Sir._ ”

He steps inside to a frowning nurse and Wonshik zipping up his pants with a grimace on his face that may be directed to the nurse or to the multiple small wounds he so casually sports now. Probably the nurse.”Wonshik-ah.” Taekwoon speaks while Wonshik considers a way of putting his shirt back without raising his arms.

Hongbin comes by this point. With a shirtless Wonshik, Taekwoon with a bunch of folders and the nurse who looks like she's having a real bad day. “Just to see if you would do as I said. I'm happy you did.” Hongbin smiles and Taekwoon shudders a little, his hands are cold. He must have washed them recently. “Did you get it?” this time the question is directed to Wonshik, who simply nods, still thinking about his shirt problems.

Hongbin hums and slides his hands inside Tarkwoon's pants pockets to warm them again. “Man I hate my bellybutton, I won't walk around shirtless but how do I put this back, seriously.” Hongbin shrugs and Wonshik makes a sound between a sigh and a groan.

As his opinion was not requested, Taekwoon’s focus easily flows around the elements that compose this scene. Hongbin's chert is pressed into his back, he is _warm_ , the nurse took a seat and decided to just wait until they did what they wanted despite medical instructions.

Hongbin does not release him while he goes through the files, but discretion is a very important trait among these people, so he does not look down to peek, which earns him a smile and a kiss on the neck that makes him jump a little.

“Can we go? Hospitals give me chills.” Hongbin nods without looking up. “Cool.”

Wonshik steps to the door but Taekwoon is being held in place and Hongbin does not give two shits so he does not move, in consequence Wonshik being the ever patient man that he is, waits for cooperation while he  stares at Taekwoon with that stupid small smile of his.

He was stabbed, he shouldn't be smiling. His lips are dry and white but he is up like nothing happened, hands in his pockets.

And since staring at someone's lips is a little bit weird, Tarkwoon's eyes wander to the aforementioned bellybutton because why would a grown man hate his own bellybutton so intensely.

“ _Stop._ ” Says the owner of said bellybutton as he covers the bellybutton in question with both hands.

Wonshik is weird. “Honeybun move. I wanna go home.” He proceeds to  poke Hongbin's face and Taekwoon is torn between thinking they are both actually cute and go get a cab by himself. “Stop touching my face, Wonshik.”

_Amazing._

“Let’s go home.” Taekwoon asks, his knees are tired of standing in the same position. “A second, love. This report is very useful, Wonshik. What do you want?” Taekwoon lowers his head sheepishly at the a second love and Wonshik hums in consideration.

“Him.” He points at Taekwoon with his index finger, missing the lack of his rings. “As my nurse. I hate doctors.”

Hongbin, whose hands are still resting on Tarkwoon's shoulder asks softly at him. “Do you want to go, hyung?”

It's only fair after all Wonshik did for him in the past. “Alright.” He feels like his divorced parents are deciding on whose house he will spend the weekend. It's a weird feeling.

But… Why did Hongbin agreed on this? And why Wonshik is helping?

 

**~×~**

  
 

“Go sit, Wonshik-ah.” Wonshik is smiling a lot now he has a button up to cover his forbidden bellybutton. “Do you need help?” Wonshik asks as he leans against the kitchen counter. He eyes Taekwoon as he messes around the utensils.

“No. Go sit and do something harmless as I cook.” He offers help again, but Taekwoon just shakes his head. Eventually Wonshik just goes sit down on the living room and turn on some music because _harmless_ is a little tricky and he is not sure if he can be _harmless._ Music is harmless right?

 _Alright._ Even so he is a little curious. Nobody ever cooked for _him_. There was Sanghyuk of course but Sanghyuk never cooked for _him_ , Sanghyuk cooked and he was casually there as well. Technically he cooked for Hongbin.

The sight of Taekwoon leaving over his counter cutting vegetables and boiling what made him think if that movies Hakyeon used to watch on his days off where there was a house and people lived in it and family things would happen. Wonshik is not a especialist in family things but this, this is a family thing for sure. Which is great because Taekwoon _is_ family.

Family not in the sense of blood relations and shit because that is just dumb. But family in the sense of people who are willing to make sacrifices and people who give a shit.

Not many people give a shit about Wonshik when he is Wonshik. People give a shit about Ravi.

The Ravi that has connections and is scary and brutal. The name on the streets is not Wonshik, who the hell even is Kim Wonshik anyway.

He likes this family feeling thing. This domestic family thing.

It's nice.

But he might just fall asleep. The morphine makes his extremities numb and being harmless is tiring so he will just… Take a nap.

Naps are harmless too.

 

**~×~**

 

Taekwoon considers waking Wonshik. But he needs to sleep, so he leaves him. Covers the dishes on the stove and walks out to get the first aid kit and put it on the side as he takes a bath. He will just get a change of clothes from Wonshik until Hakyeon brings his things.

Just a few days until he leaves again. Wonshik is a very low maintenance person.

Now though, he wonders why Hongbin allowed his stay in Wonshik’s place if he and Wonshik are not speaking.

His mind goes back to what Hakyeon said.

“ _Hongbin trusts Wonshik so much he doesn't even visit him at the hospital…_ ”

Well, they didn't look like two people who had a fight back the hospital… And again, why was Hakyeon so angry… And what about their conversation from earlier about Hongbin and his past…

So many questions…

His head _hurts_.

Where are his pills again? He is sure he saw then this morning… Did he got them? He can't remember…

There is a knock on the door that makes him startle and come back to this place, this bathroom, under this shower he should probably close now.

He wraps himself into a towel so fast he succeeds into making himself dizzy. “Yeah?” He leans against the wall and closes his eyes. _Oh, such a terrible idea…_ When he opens then again there is Wonshik standing in front of him and he throws himself back at the wall. Wonshik only chuckles mildly at him. “Aren't you hungry? You should eat something.”

He relaxes his shoulders at that, looking up for a few seconds to calm himself down. “I should. I probably should… I will go in a few minutes, just let me get dressed first.”

The way Wonshik looks at him is enough signal he is going to say something unnecessary. “You should not be worried about clothes with me anymore.”

Maybe because they are past the point where pleasantries are necessary or maybe because the absence of medication is making a few blotches of color surface on Taekwoon’s vision. He joins this inappropriate joke. “You want me naked, Ravi-ya?” He walks past Wonshik to get his clothes- well, Wonshik’s clothes which he has borrowed without asking when Wonshik decides it's a good idea to continue to be inappropriate. “What if I do?”

When Taekwoon turns this time he has a hairbrush in one hand and a gray t-shirt on the other. “Then you should ask properly.” Wonshik’s laughs echoes through the bathroom walls and Taekwoon finds himself smiling just a little because it’s so wholehearted he feels a little happier himself.

“I’ll remember that.” He says jokingly as he leaves Taekwoon to get dressed, even if Taekwoon is not totally sure if this was strictly a joke or… Well he has to eat now. The longer he _thinks_ about food, the hungrier he gets.

The clothes are simple and they smell like the cheap soap brand Wonshik normally uses, or more accurately, Wonshik’s _laundry_ uses. But they’re clean that's all that matters.

When he sits Wonshik is already eating, and by the way his eyes gleam a little he is either very pleased with the food or just extremely hungry and the taste of the food doesn't even process on his brain for he is actually glad only because it’s edible.

“Hyung, why you never told me you could cook like this, man.” His words came a little muffled due to too much food in one’s mouth.

“You will choke, stop talking.” He sits in front of Wonshik as he eats, someone used to say to him you can judge one’s character based on how he eats his food, but he can't say what Wonshik’s habits say about him.

Taekwoon grimaces as Wonshik’s dryly swallow all the food in his mouth, he then proceeds to laugh at Tarkwoon's expression. “You really look like a brother.” Wonshik smiles and Taekwoon has this urge to divert the subject to anything less serious, and Wonshik’s smile is making him a little embarrassed so… “You have something on your teeth.” Taekwoon points as he takes a bite to confirm that the taste is nothing that impressive. Normal. Normal food.

It’s unavoidable, the light chuckle that bubbles up Taekwoon’s throat at his companion’s attempt at covering his mouth almost immediately, eyes a little wide, getting his phone to look at whatever it is that is stuck on his teeth. “I'm kidding.” he smiles discreetly around the words and Wonshik half glares, half smiles at him. He ignores both and continues to eat. His own sense of humor is a little twisted on the edges too.

There's a knock on the door and Taekwoon stills the forkmidway to his mouth. Wonshik looks up at it, hand sliding soundlessly to the gun he has under the table, most likely one of many. “A second!” He yells as his gaze goes to the door, then back at Taekwoon, this time when he speaks it’s barely a whisper. “I'm not expecting anyone, stay here.”

In silent steps Wonshik goes to the front door, and Taekwoon reaches for the knife he used to cut the vegetables which is the closest sharp object he has. He won't do anything, it's just for his own peace of mind… Yeah, just for his peace of mind.

Wonshik groans loudly, and Hakyeon strides inside seconds later with Taekwoon’s bag and a frowning Wonshik in tow. “Why didn't you call first?” Hakyeon bypasses Wonshik completely and sits in front of Taekwoon with a smile.

Taekwoon exhales and drops the knife. “You could have called.” He says with a mildly tired sigh. Hakyeon pouts slightly at him, resting his head over the intertwined fingers of his own hands. “You forgot your phone.” He slides said phone over the tablecloth for him to take, Taekwoon mumbles an embarrassed thank you and pockets his phone again.

Their eyes meet again and Hakyeon goes back to smiling amiably at him. “You could have called Wonshik.” Wonshik is just leaning against the wall in knowing silence. Hakyeon shakes his head at that. “I'm not talking to him.” Wonshik raises his arms exasperatedly, Hakyeon only gives him an unimpressed look going back to smiling at Taekwoon.

And he frowns as Hakyeon slides his thumb over his hand and plays around with his fingers. “Hakyeon, what do you mean _not talking to him_? What did he do?” He politely takes his hand off Hakyeon’s grasp, he doesn't seem to notice as he looks at Wonshik with judgmental eyes and Wonshik just stares back at him in such a calculated neutrality it makes Taekwoon worry a bit. “Hm, why don't you ask him?” He gets up from his chair and Taekwoon does the same out of habit, it takes only a second for Hakyeon to go back to smiling, walking around the table to hug Taekwoon in a way that makes him a little stiff, petting his cheek and smiling fondly at him. “Welcome to the family Taekwoonie.” He kisses his cheek briefly and walks out, out of the kitchen, out of the house. Taekwoon just blinks at the display of affection. What? His hand immediately goes up to cup his kissed cheek just so he can frown more, a little dumbfounded, a little confused. _Thank you?_ He thinks a little too late, but Wonshik speaks before he can do that. “Oh~” he goes back to smirking knowingly and Taekwoon just feels like every single message spoken of today missed him entirely. He won't say a word though for it makes him feel a little stupid.

_‘Oh’? ‘Oh’ what?_

Mercifully Wonshik explains without being asked. Taekwoon wills his face back into impassiveness. “Hakyeon accepted you into the family, congratulations.” He feels the frown coming back but again his will power is something really astounding, and he nods silently because that seems like a good enough reaction. The oh Wonshik utters this time sounds different, Taekwoon’s gaze travels from the floor to Wonshik to see some small red splotches into his shirt. “Oh shit…” Wonshik sounds so not-surprised Taekwoon feels like  hitting him with the wooden spoon he can see over the table. But his cellphone rings and he picks it up easily enough.

He can glare at Wonshik and talk on the phone. “Hey Taekwunicorn!” _Jaehwan_ … “Guess what? Hongbin wants to talk to you, I bet you are surprised.” Taekwoon sighs for a second, waiting for Hongbin to get the phone. He does, and he sounds so breathless. “Are you ok?”

Taekwoon is more concerned about Hongbin’s health than his sudden interest in his well being while in Wonshik’s company. “What are you doing?” He frowns slightly, he can faintly hear voices in the background and that can mean a number of things. “Blowing off steam.” He pants on the phone and Taekwoon doesn't ask, his palms are sweaty… Did he took his medicine? He already asked that question right? _Weird._

“I just called to check if everything was fine, you sound fine. Now I have to go, I love you a lot ok? Call me if anything happens.” And the line goes dead.

What? What just happened? What would even happen? People coming to stab Wonshik again? And if he was stabbed why there’ no blood anywhere? “I’m not trying to rush you, beautiful, but could you check my patches? I'm getting a little dizzy.” Taekwoon sighs, gets to his feet and goes to chase after the first aid kit. He hears Wonshik groaning as he seats on the other room.  “Take your shirt off.” But he shouldn't have bothered, he comes to find Wonshik already shirtless and sitting on the black sink of the he bathroom.

The entire bathroom is black, maybe it's because black doesn't show blood stains. It’s a very reasonable possibility.

Another first aid kit sits reverently beside him and Taekwoon asks himself momentarily why Wonshik has so many first aid kits before mentally answering his own question. Stupid question.

The Band-Aids glued on Wonshik’s torso are soaked and come off easily when Taekwoon pulls on them. Wonshik leans on his hands and starts humming that stupid song he always hums and Taekwoon busies himself cleaning the wounds carefully, successfully ignoring all the small hisses Wonshik makes every time he touches a wound or a cut. The wounds are not too big and mostly have only a single stitch. “Do you have anything on your back?”  Wonshik smugly says a d _o you think they could take me down playing fair_ that Taekwoon only rolls his eyes at and Wonshik rests his head against his chest to give access to his back but all Taekwoon can really think is: “What are you doing?”

The sound of a chuckle echoes thtough Taekwoon’s ribs as the patient seems to be having more fun than he should. “Does it bother you?” It doesn't. Even so Wonshik is getting too comfortable around him.

No… actually, scratch that. Wonshik is _too damn comfortable_ around him.  

At least, even if his head is resting on Taekwoon’s chest (which Taekwoon can certainly excuse as a fruit of the dizziness the blood loss may be causing on Wonshik) his hands are away from his body, poised quietly on his own thighs. “You smell like Hongbin's perfume.” He comments offhandedly, and Taekwoon, being caught a little off guard by the bluntness of said information thinks this may be normal. Hongbin is around him all the time. ”Don't get nervous, it’s just something I noticed. Sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

With a half open Band-Aid in hand, this time it is Tarkwoon's turn to laugh, lowering his head to avoid his smile to show. “You have no problems with telling me to get naked and you apologize for telling me I smell like someone else's perfume.”

Wonshik makes a sound, straightening out his back and scratching his neck a little sheepishly. “You make it sound like I'm indecent.” He has a small lopsided smile in place when he says that and Taekwoon looks at him as if he is surprised at how unconvinced he is in face of Wonshik's false innocent. “What? I’m very well behaved.” Taekwoon rolls his eyes but the small smile on his face remains.

“What’s with you and Hongbin? I never understood why I can be near you and not anyone else.” Taekwoon closes one of the first-aid kits as he speaks, briefly wondering if Wonshik's laundry never bothered to ask why his clothes always have so much blood on them.

Probably not.

Wonshik doesn't move, not to get up, nor get a clean shirt, Taekwoon resists the urge he feels at looking at his bellybutton again just _because_. “Hongbin knows I won't ever love you. So I'm not truly a threat.” He says, still dangling his legs. “Even if I fuck you, or if I kiss you… no matter how soft you are, how pretty you sound when you cum. I won't ever- Don't look at me like that. Why are you looking at me like that?”

In all honesty, Taekwoon doesn't want Wonshik's love, he doesn't love him either but… Hearing him say that… Makes him feel like a play thing, like and object to be used. Again that would make Wonshik the same thing and he can't help but to feel this is unfair to them both. Using each other like this is… Is wrong, right?

But… what is even wrong anymore?

When Hongbin does this he says it isn't wrong if he loves only him and Taekwoon does. He truly does.

Wonshik is a friend. A hot blooded friend, but a friend nonetheless. And even though he is not even thinking about Wonshik's body at the moment, even though nothing actually happened between them. He wouldn't deny him.

He would give it to him just as easily as he would for Hongbin.

Hongbin may be the orbit to which his planet rotates, but Wonshik is the gravity that keeps the pieces of that planet together.

That's a little scary.

Specially now he is completely sober.

“It's nothing Wonshik-ah. I'm sorry.” He pets Wonshik's arm gently and leaves. Wonshik won’t ask, he never does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who will post another chapter today?


	23. Sand

Wonshik sleeps the entire day, waking up only to take his medicine and then go back to sleep. Taekwoon uses his own time sober to listen to music without the fear of having some intense hallucinations.

The night comes fast for both of them, and then it’s time to make dinner. But first he has to go grocery shopping because apparently food is not a priority in this house as much as alcohol.

So up from the couch and out the door, the night feels chilly but it’s nothing overwhelming, the small market right around the corner is still open and Taekwoon gets a small shopping basket to make a quick work at the things he wants to buy. Some people scattered around the place are looking at him, but that is more a consequence of him leaving Wonshik’s apartment building than any real harmful intention.

It’s a very small shop, relatively clean considering this entire neighborhood standard, and Taekwoon finds himself spending half an hour choosing fresh vegetables, and a new brand of rice, a pack of salt and some condiments.  

He is even humming that stupid song Wonshik likes so much. The man by the cashier stares at his clothes somewhat suspiciously and they start Taekwoon’s worst case scenario. _Small talk_.

Only the Lord truly knows how much Taekwoon despises small talk. “Are you one of Ravi’s acquaintances?” The man says with a careful smile, as another who is very silent but also very attentive packs his things into plastic bags. “I’ve never seen you around here.”

 _That’s because I’ve never been here before_. “Um, yes.” he starts, trying to be friendly, but without the need of using many words. But no luck, the man asks more questions because this place is built over two things, gossip and robbery. “Are you friends? What’s your name? Maybe I heard from you.” Taekwoom mumbles, quietly flashing a look at the name tag where the name Hoseok stares back at him. He is pretty young and seems friendly enough.

When his eyes return to the man’s face his smile widens, and he doesn’t look like a threatening man. But again looks say nothing about people around here. “Jung... Jung Taekwoon.” he says, voice small as the man gives him his change. He hates small talk.

The man’s eyes go wide and he leans in making Taekwoon step back. “ _Taekwoon_? You mean _the_ Jung Taekwoon? Lee Hongbin’s Jung Taekwoon? _That_ Jung Taekwoon?” Well this guy said his name a lot of times… the mentioned only clutches at his shopping bag a little sheepishly, he is not used to this degree of attention and even if the others are trying to avoid staring at him too openly, they are staring at him somehow and Taekwoon feels his cheeks heating up uncomfortably. He hates this.

He hates it. His skin prickles and his mouth goes dry, the same sensation since high school. He is starting to feel nauseous. “Y-Yeah… I guess so.” he mutters and curses himself when his voice cracks at the beginning and the end, already barely a whisper.

Hoseok gasps, he grabs one of Taekwoon’s hands and shakes it like he might as well be trying to rip it off and take it home with him. “I never thought I would ever see you! Man, you are pretty! I’m Hoseok, Jung Hoseok. Nice to meet you, really.” Taekwoon opens his mouth and then closes it, looking at the hand Hoseok is currently holding, he hears as one of Hoseok’s friends whisper an exasperated _man slow down_ to him that seems to bring the boy out of his stupor and finally release Taekwoon’s hand. Just for precaution Taekwoon takes two more steps back.

“Yeah, same Hoseok-ssi. If you excuse me.” he bows quietly and walks away, hands gripping his bags so tight he is afraid of squishing the vegetables he just picked as the boy smiles brightly and waves. Anything to avoid shaking from embarrassment.

What a pushy, overwhelming, weird kid.

When he gets inside he finds Wonshik not only totally awake, but also very desperate and on the phone. “Wonshik? Are you ok?” After that he barely has time to close the door before Wonshik is hugging too tight for a man with stitches all over his body. “Wonshik?” he leaves the bags on the side table because they are heavy and maybe they can hurt Wonshik in his hug-deprived state. “Wonshik say something.”

“Why are you shaking? Where were you? Why didn’t you tell me? I was so worried, _god_ …” Wonshik buries his nose on Taekwoon’s neck and Taekwoon being caught off guard hunches his shoulders up and makes this small pitiful sound that looks like a very weak squeal. “Are you ok? You are not hurt right?” Taekwoon has to force some space between them, taking one deep breath as soon as Wonshik backs off him.

It’s fine, he is fine, he is just too sober. God, he needs a drink…. “I’m fine.” He says finally, and Wonshik deflates almost immediately. Good, now he will drink something and then cook dinner. As he walks away Wonshik messes around the plastic bags discreetly, observing silently as Taekwoon fills a glass with vodka and drains it in one go.

Only then Taekwoon's shoulders finally relax.

Wonshik's walks slowly, giving him time to adjust to his presence as he would do to a real kitten, hands coming up to touch his hips and seeing if he is fine with it…

He is. So now he can properly hug him, press his chest on Taekwoon’s back and rest his chin on the man’s shoulder. “Were you grocery shopping, beautiful?” Taekwoon nods and exhales, one hand coming up to rubs his face and maybe rub the remnants of that nervous blush out of his cheeks. “To make dinner for me?” Taekwoon nods again and Wonshik can’t just contain the smirk that creeps it’s way to his lips. “You are too good for a monster like me.” His hands slide from Tarkwoon's hips to his arms and then his hands, linking their fingers together for he can still feel him shaking. “Calm down.”

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, leaning against Wonshik's chest before his thoughts from earlier today invade his mind once again.

They shouldn't, it's not fair. He backs away and asks Wonshik to get the bags on the side table right beside the door and he does, he goes, asking no questions because he never does. Taekwoon gets a frying pan and forgets about this subject, he goes back to more pressing matters. “Hakyeon said you lied. What is he talking about?” He asks as Wonshik deposits the bags over the counter.

“He is probably angry because we didn't tell him about an operation. He always gets angry when he isn't the first to know things. He is like a control-obsessed mom.” Wonshik leans against the counter and stuffs his pockets with his warm hands, watching as Taekwoon gets the things from inside the bags and moves them around, opening and closing cabinets as if this house is actually his. “But hey, he seems to like you a lot, beautiful.”

Taekwoon scoffs as he cuts onions and garlic in small pieces with some quick movements of his wrist. “When did you learn how to cook?” Wonshik asks, peeking over Taekwoon shoulder to look at him cutting things, see him tearing up too.

He hums as he thinks of an answer, throwing everything in the frying pan and enjoying the sizzling sound and the sudden smell of frying garlic and onion. “I guess it was when I started living by myself. During college I used to live alone, so I had to make my own food.” Wonshik hums at that, entertaining himself with the thought of law school student Jung Taekwoon walking around carrying his law school student books in his law school student clothes. That must have been great.

His previous answer was enough to satisfy Tarkwoon's curiosity, he considers the subject about Hakyeon closed, and sniffs pitifully as his eyes sting because of the onions. The itch is bearable, but tears spill anyway, and Wonshik smiles silently at that. How pretty. “What happened for you to come back shaking?” Taekwoon’s cheeks flare up on the thought of his previous conversation with that weirdly friendly boy on the small grocery store outside. And Taekwoon says nothing before ushering Wonshik to go sit somewhere else because here he is being a nuisance.

Needless to say, cook alone is a lot quieter, and he can’t even say what Wonshik is doing because everything is quiet aside from the sounds of him cooking, he remembers Wonshik has no television in here.

There’s no television but there’s a radio on the counter, so that’s good enough. He turns the radio on with his elbow for his hands are dirty from handling raw chicken, singing under his breath until the silence from his companion starts making him uncomfortable. He does not move until all the food is cooking and he can wash his hands for the last time.

He finds Wonshik on the couch… sleeping… again. He sighs, sitting beside the man and touching his face with ice cold hands. Wonshik makes a groaning noise and scrunches his nose with eyes still closed. “Your hands are so cold…” He complains, sleepily. Taekwoon apologizes and removes the offending hand back to his own thigh, Wonshik rolls over the couch and slings an arm around his waist. “Is the dinner ready? Sorry, I blacked out.”

It’s a little domestic, Wonshik doesn’t act like a man that was stabbed five times in different places. But that brings the question. “Why were you stabbed, Wonshik-ah?” He pets Wonshik’s hair distractedly, the song playing on the radio filters through the door and into the living room where the only sound is the one of the clock ticking.

“Hm, they wanted some of my documents… The folders I gave to Hongbin.” That’s a little weird. Hongbin and him making business after such a harsh break up… But Taekwoon doesn’t feel like asking, he only hums back at him and stares at the clock with his mind elsewhere.

He should get up and check the food, he will do just that.

 

 

**~+~**

 

They eat in complete and unperturbed silence, because Taekwoon is thinking and he is quiet unless effort is made to make him speak, which is not because Wonshik is busy staring at him like he is a very interesting animal and smiling.

Then come the next problem.

Sleep.

Taekwoon is more than ok with sleeping on the couch, he tells Wonshik he is sober, and while sober, even if his head hurts a lot, it’s less likely of him to hallucinate. He does eventually succeeds into convincing Wonshik and sending him to his room.

And Taekwoon goes back to the living room where his spot on the sofa is still warm. His cellphone buzzes with a message short after.

_Hongbin._

_are you asleep yet, hyung?_

_~_

Taekwoon quietly stares at the message sitting up from the slouch position he previously was and typing a quick answer.

 

_Yes._

_~_

_I miss you :(_

_~_

That’s one point of Hongbin’s personality. He uses emojis, no matter how uncharacteristic and un-gangster-like it may be, he does. He uses emojis almost always.

He uses emojis when arguing for christ sake.

 

_I’m sure you are not alone._

_~_

This time the answer takes a little longer than expected, and Taekwoon considers leaving the phone on the table.

 

_neither are you_

_~_

_Excuse me for nursing your friend_

_~_

_are you jealous? Is that why you’re ruining my mood?_

 

Funny enough, Taekwoon could busy himself informing Hongbin he is the jealous one, but doesn’t... Just sighs loudly and startles when Wonshik touches his shoulder and yawns. “What are you doing? Are you really going to insist on sleeping here?” Taekwoon’s phone vibrates and he nods, he _will_ insist on sleeping here. Wonshik gets the phone over the table and Taekwoon just lies down on the couch, his head hitting the pillow heavily. “Are you jealous?” Wonshik asks then, going through Taekwoon’s messages like the phone is his.

But again Taekwoon never bothered to put a password on his phone because privacy is not something he actually has. “No.” he says easily, because he isn’t, really. He is just too sober and Hongbin’s mood swings are hard to keep up with in this state.

The lights are off so he hears more than sees Wonshik humming. “He misses you, you should talk to him.” His answer is a nonchalant _and you should mind your own business_ that makes Wonshik laugh easily. “You are Hongbin’s second. You should treat him better.” Wonshik says, leaning over to stare at Taekwoon yawning out of boredom, not tiredness.

Just because it is dark and he must show he is listening, he turns his head, then shifts his body, back against the seat and hands resting over his chest like a corpse. “Second what?” he asks softly and Wonshik smiles at him. “Second love interest.” he says, and Taekwoon tilts his head.

He can’t help but ask. “And who’s the first?” Wonshik’s smile turns mischievous in a second.

“I’ll tell you if you come to bed with me.” _Bastard_. He glares at Wonshik whose smile only widens a little more. “Don’t look at me like that, you’ve been avoiding my touch all day. I just want to hold you, nothing else.” Taekwoon sighs, he is used to be held at night as well but this… this thing with Wonshik… It shouldn’t happen.

It isn’t fair. “Wonshik-ah…” Wonshik reaches out a hand to caress his face as he sighs tiredly, he just wants to sleep, for this day to be over, for this heavy feeling to be gone, the doubts, everything… He wants his pills.

“Chanshik.” He hears him say, and he opens his eyes to see that Wonshik is still smiling at him. His hands is warm even if very rough. That’s something that further reminds him that he is not Hongbin, but that knowledge does not make him any less pliant under this touch.

Even if his blood calls for Hongbin right now. Like it always does. “The first one… Chanshik was the first.” Wonshik repeats, thumbs sliding over his cheeks briefly before retreating.

Something cold coils in the pitch Taekwoon’s stomach, making his blood run colder, making his limbs feel numb…

Chanshik? The first one? The one Hongbin can’t even stand right now? “...What?” his voice sounds small, like he is afraid of being heard… And maybe he is, maybe he _is afraid._

Wonshik sounds like warm sand when he speaks again. His voice brings that feeling you have when stepping on dry sand on the beach without yours shoes, the feeling of it sliding effortlessly against your skin… That feeling.

The kind of feeling that comes with that certainty that sand doesn’t wash off easily, and will follow you back home and disperse on the entire place, stay on for days, maybe even weeks. “Come to bed, please. I’ll tell you everything.”

Taekwoon hates sand, but follows Wonshik back to his room nonetheless.

Because he needs company, and time.

And maybe Wonshik has something to slow down his mind.


	24. Within

He does.

He does have something to slow down his mind, and it comes in the form of a red pill Taekwoon never saw before, but it’s coming to like already. “Did you like it?” Wonshik asks warmly as he holds him by the waist, clothes comfortable against skin and Taekwoon likes this trip already.

He nods with his eyes closed and experiments the feeling of the sheets under his fingers now that his body feels so blissfully ignorant of all that is pain. He can only feel softness and warmth.

He can barely feel when Wonshik moves them both so he can hold him closer. “Chanshik was Hongbin's first at mostly everything… when I met him he hadn't even kissed anyone before, let alone sex.” He starts, settling against Tarkwoon's side with a content sigh as his companion’s fingers make way through his hair. He truly appreciates when Taekwoon touches his hair like this. “Like it is with you he wanted to give Chanshik the entire world. They had each others firsts, every single one of them. Chanshik was a very sweet kid at the time, and like it is with you, Hongbin never minded my proximity with Chanshik.” Being in bed with Wonshik like this, feeling like he will melt and drip on the floor, like he has no bones… it’s a little like aftermath. “But things happened and Chanshik ended up gravitating towards Dongwoo, who is a lot more carefree and a lot more stable than Hongbin would ever be… And more things happened, Hongbin got broken hearted, Dongwoo got shot, Jinyoung who always had a soft spot for Dongwoo got so angry he actually tried to burn our house down… And Chanshik lost his mind utterly and completely. As far as I know he is not mentally capable of running his own company, even if the company is _his_.”

Taekwoon hums a little, his body feels slow and doesn't feel any kind of pain but… that's such a sad story… Poor Hongbinnie… Poor Chanshikie…

Just for that lingering sense of sympathy he gets his phone and calls Hongbin. It's late but he needs to let Hongbin know he loves him and he won't drift away.

Wonshik may be a driving force in his life but his heart belongs to Hongbin in such a way he can't really avoid loving him just like he can't avoid blinking or breathing. “Hongbinnie~” he says as soon as Hongbin gets his phone, his breathless voice sounds nice too, everything feels nice with this thing going on his system.

“Are you mad, hyung? I'm sorry don't be mad, I love you.” Hongbin sounds so sad. It breaks his heart to hear him like this… it really does…

Poor little monster. “I love you too, Hongbinnie. I love you a lot. You don't need to worry, my heart is yours alone.” Wonshik smiles in face of the sincere and mutual display of affection, so cute… a shame he can't relate to the feeling but it's cute to see Hongbin and Taekwoon on the same page. His hands slide under Taekwoon’s tank top as an attempt at showing his support.

“Really? Aren't you mad? Why you didn't answer earlier?” Wonshik answers for him in a very natural _he was getting high with me_ that seems to be enough to satisfy Hongbin's suspicions. “You two are too comfortable around each other… It bothers me.” Taekwoon just blinks dazedly as the conversation shifts to Hongbin and Wonshik, he leaves the cellphone on speakers over the bed and closes his eyes. Their voices sound pleasant like this. “No need to get all worked up Hongbin-ah. You know how I work… and you gave me orders ‘ _do what you must_ ’ and all.” Taekwoon whispers one soft _Wonshik-ah_ … when that supporting hand slides up his back just because Wonshik wants to make Hongbin grip the cellphone tighter.

Hongbin sighs and Wonshik can faintly discern voices in the background… More than one. He must be frustrated to need this much company. He bites back a little chuckle. “And you know how much it pains me to say that in this case.” Hongbin says, his voice sounding like he is holding back the sass. Wonshik feels a little pity for those in that room with him.

He sighs, inhaling the smell of shampoo and cherries Taekwoon gives off. “Yeah, I do. You must really love him.” Taekwoon is like porcelain, and maybe because Wonshik enjoys breaking things, he already desired to throw him against the wall.

See this porcelain shatter.

“How does it feel?” He asks, watching Taekwoon and his glazed eyes closely. “To love someone so wholeheartedly?” Hongbin makes a small sound as he thinks, giving it some real thought. He is not one to dismiss Wonshik’s questions easily.

He exhales and Wonshik notices someone must have dared to approach him while he is on the phone. “It’s like… Do you remember that one time under the downtown bridge? With that police officer? It’s similar, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.”

He hums instead of answering, he does. “Go back to what was keeping you. I’ll take care of him.”

The line goes dead without any proper goodbyes, and Taekwoon is already so sleepy it's comical. As he promised he will only hold him and sleep. That was the idea from the beginning, and Wonshik is not one to break promises.

He told Taekwoon he won't love him. It doesn't matter if he is curious to know how love _feels like_. He can't help it, he can't… There are no exceptions.

There is none.

But his heart is not the only thing he has to offer, and never minded the idea of offering his services in whichever ways possible to those he considers as _friends_. He has few friends, it's not usual.

And Taekwoon already mended him so many times… Offered help when he was the one who needed it. Wonshik likes to have him around. He is a quietness, some sort of peace, a type of silence he doesn't have in him.

So he has to borrow.

He likes the feeling, the feeling of having another body this close to him without expectations, without the urge to undress, to soil, to _touch_ …

Here in this room, in this bed with Taekwoon there is only silence.

And silence is not so bad, he can have a little more silence in his life.

  
 

**~×~**

  
 

The morning starts with the smell of pancakes and a sharp pain on his muscles. It's good, it reminds him he is alive.

He pads off the kitchen to find, as expected, pancakes and...

Taekwoon and a guy Wonshik mildly recognizes as the seller from the nearby grocery store. He and Taekwoon are talking, there's a lot of things over the table, and even if Taekwoon is, very clearly, uncomfortable with the man's presence, he doesn't seem to be scared. Which means Wonshik can ask before shooting. “The fuck are you doing inside my house?” His voice sounds hoarse from sleep and he is completely sure his current state is not very civilized… his eyes particularly are swollen and a little red due to all the medicine he has to take for his multiple pains in places he can't access with his hands.

His brain for example.

Jesus _fuck_.

Taekwoon answers for the kid, who seems to shrink a little when his voice echoes around the kitchen. “He helped me carrying the bags Wonshik. No need to worry.”

The only thing Wonshik can really think of is how Hongbin would ruin this kid if he ever found out. And when he says ruin, he means ruin. For the sake of this kids future, he will stay quiet this time. “Get out.” He says simply, providing an excuse for Taekwoon to send the kid off, since he clearly makes him uncomfortable and Wonshik does not mind being the bad guy.

He leaves in a hurry and Taekwoon leans against the counter with a heavy sigh as Wonshik sits with a pained groan. “I will go have lunch with Hongbin today, but I'll leave everything ready for you before I go. If you need something my cellphone will be with me, ok?” Wonshik yawns like he is trying to make sense of his words, he is not the sharpest pencil in the box at this hours.

“Yes mom.” He mumbled groggily, obviously sharp enough to be sarcastic. Fucking jerk. “Have fun on your lunch date with dad.” Taekwoon starts to rumble on how they have the same age until he starts smelling smoke and Wonshik just points the frying pan before Taekwoon starts fussing about with it to avoid it being ruined with a burnt pancake.

After his third cup of coffee Wonshik starts behaving like a decent human being, or at least, something a little more functional and elaborate than whines and grunts. “Are you okay, beautiful?” Taekwoon looks at him as if asking what is he talking about but only for a second. He knows, he knows what he trying to ask.

He is trying to ask about Chanshik. “I'm fine. Did you like your pancakes?” He asks and Wonshik understands he doesn't want to talk about it, so they don't. He nods around the brim of his cup and they fall silent until Tarkwoon's phone rings.

“Yes?” A brief pause. “Good morning, Hongbinnie.. Yes, he is right here with me.” Taekwoon frowns and Wonshik bites a huge chunk of his pancake with a content smile. _Cherry jam_. “No. Yes, I will don't worry. Yes, I love you too, very much. See you soon, bye.”

Too immersed in the satisfaction of cherry jam Wonshik makes a pleased sound and Taekwoon looks at him with a small smile of his own. “You are not in too much pain, right?” Taekwoon asks, their shins lightly touching under the table and it seems like this is the only patch of skin in Wonshik's body that is totally smooth.

He shakes his head, the pain is not unbearable, he is just a little slow. Taekwoon smiles a bit and drinks his coffee in silence, incredibly he is not in any pain today. That pill was great, Wonshik knows what he is doing.

The only thing is that he dozed off in the middle of his conversation with Hongbin, but he will make up to him.

To both of them.

It's a slow day. “Aren't you worried about the guys who stabbed you? What if they come back?” Taekwoon considers, cleaning the dishes as Wonshik plays a game on his phone. He will change the bandages in a second, he just has to finish this and put everything for the stew in the pot.

“No. I don't keep documents on me, and it is widely known that Hongbin is the only one who reads things.” He says, almost at the same time as the game makes an annoying ring. Taekwoon hums, more for himself than to Wonshik, and drops the subject. “I'm confused. When did you and Hongbin made up?”

Wonshik chuckles lightly. “I will tell you that after your lunch date, ok?” _it's not a lunch date_. But it kind of is and instead of complaining, Taekwoon smiles a bit, just for himself. It's been so long since the last time he and Hongbin spent time together outside the house.

Being the ever knowing man that he always is, Wonshik doesn't need to see to know Taekwoon is smiling, the lack of words proves that. A quiet lawyer is a content lawyer. He smiles a bit as well, good to see them happy.

Good to see Hongbin healing.

Taekwoon is a balm for the lost ones after all.

Talking about balm, he needs to change his bandages… or something like that. He has a faint memory of Taekwoon saying he would change his bandages daily. But he waits, waits patiently until Taekwoon resurfaces from the kitchen with a first aid kit and tells him to sit on the small table near the mirror in the back of the room. “Are you sure I need to change this today too? They seem fine to me.”

For a moment, the sound of the first aid kit opening is the only answer he gets. “I wouldn't know, I'm not a doctor but I'm already here, so let's go. Shirt off.” Wonshik scoffs and unzips his hoodie as instructed, letting it fall from his shoulders and pool around his wrists. He is not wearing any shirt under it.

“I'm itching to go back to my street fights.” Wonshik says, hands still as Taekwoon dabs a cotton ball in antiseptic and looks at the reflection of Wonshik’s back in the mirror. Not as bad as expected.

He sighs. “Can't you behave for _once_? Why you like these fights so much anyway?” He gently touches the wounds with the cotton ball and sees the muscles of Wonshik's torso contracting as he stays silent. “Does it hurt too much?”

Wonshik shakes his head easily. They had this conversation already, this conversation about how Wonshik _feels_ about mild pain. “I fight because it gives me pleasure. I always fought, since my teens. Man, my first fight was… The feeling I get when I fight it's something else, I don't even need drugs.” He smiles brightly and it's kind of cute even if he is talking about ruthless violence on a sand and stone ring under a secluded bridge with illegal drugs and the sweat of others five hundred man.

Actually scratch that, it's not cute all.

He stares at the collection of small bruises littered around Wonshik’s chest and sighs. Gently tending to them with the same inexperience and patience he has with everything else, asking Wonshik to open the largest Band-Aids he can possibly find and then give them to him. Certainly by now, considering the evidences, Wonshik's entire life must be sponsored by Band-Aids because _good god_.

  
 

**~+~**

 

Hongbin looks beautiful under this light, more than usual. He apparently took the entire external area just for the two of them, and sits among tables full of roses with a glass of wine in hand, to which he stares at very dully at the moment. “Hongbinnie?”

At the sound of his own name, Hongbin perks up very quickly. His eyes goes up and he is up and around the table with his arms thrown around Tarkwoon's shoulder almost instantly. “I'm sorry… Don't be mad at me, hyung…” he sounds so miserable Taekwoon can't really tell if he is faking it or not. But smiles nonetheless, shushing Hongbin against his chest with caring hands.

“I'm not mad Hongbinnie.” He says softly and Hongbin unwounds in his arms like a bundle of strings. Taekwoon can faintly see a few red lines peeking off Hongbin's black v neck. Nails most likely.

Warm breath fans across Taekwoon’s neck and Hongbin's fingers thread on his hair like he is trying to memorize the feeling of it. “Really?” He backs away to look into Taekwoon’s eyes when he asks again. “Say it. Say you love me and say you forgive me.” His eyes look big like this and Taekwoon smiles warmly at him.

Amusing as always. “I love you, and I forgive you.” He pets Hongbin's face and watches as he leans into the touch unguardedly. “I don't mind you sleeping around. I know you will come back to me.” Hongbin smile one of his bright smiles, dimples deep into his cheeks and eyes in small crescents. "I trust you."

A kiss, hands on Tarkwoon's neck, soft and searing hot. Like everything that is Hongbin. “You smell like Wonshik's soap.” He says when they part, Taekwoon laughing despite himself, lowering his head in a way to prevent his smile to meet Hongbin's judgmental stare.

“I suppose I do… He said the same thing about your perfume.” Hongbin's look turns into one of disbelief. Whatever it is that he is going to say next it's gonna be filled with indignation.

Except he doesn’t say anything and Taekwoon tilts his head at that, expecting Hongbin to say something about the subject. But no, his eyes are focused on the waiter who stepped in here with menus and Taekwoon knows he wants to cause a disgrace so instead of allowing some kind of murder to happen now, he gets the menus from the guy and ushers him out very brusquely.

Taekwoon is a bit brusque in nature.

They sit quietly after that, Hongbin sports a very serious, very displeased expression. The kind of face that makes it look like he has no soul, just this beautiful vessel fuel by undeterred rage and lust.

That's not far from the truth but Taekwoon knows there is more to Hongbin than his beautiful face and his fondness for blood.

Now though, he feels the need of filling the silence. “You look distracted Hongbinnie.” He comments wearily as they wait for their food, and Hongbin stops spinning his knife over the glass table to look at him.

When he says sorry it sound distant, the same voice Hongbin uses for work and just for that Taekwoon knows he is thinking of the waiter still. He hates to be interrupted in a very particular way, specially when he is with Taekwoon.

He is a very particular person.

Taekwoon messes with his own utensil quietly, it's never a good sign to see Hongbin quiet down for long, his back is too straight up and his eyes are focused ahead.

Silly little monster, his romanticisms make him too sensitive to the influence of such a harsh world.

Mindlessly Taekwoon gets his own knife, doing something Hongbin did to him a few times already, it seems good enough, he cuts his finger, slides it over his lips and then presses the bloody digit into Hongbin's mouth, to the tip of his tongue. Then retreats a second later.

He then watches as Hongbin's eyes fall closed and he exhales, tongue darting out to lick the red contained there. Taekwoon smiles for it seems to work, when Hongbin holds his hand over the table, looking somewhat moved. Breathlessly mouthing a quiet I love you too against his wrist.

The wound stings a bit, just a little, but Hongbin leans towards him, their fingers laced together. “I wish we were not in public right now.” Taekwoon lowers his gaze and feels more than sees the smile Hongbin gives him pressed against his hand. “Don't start me up…”

The food comes with their hands still connected, and Hongbin is very reluctant to let go of Taekwoon’ to eat. It takes some coaxing, some time. In the end the food is not cold when they start eating it. That's good enough.“How is Hakyeon?” He asks because he wants to know if he really ran up Wonshik’s camellias with his car.

Hongbin makes a sound around his fork. “Under control. But also insufferable.” Taekwoon stifles a fit of giggles and bites down at his lips. Hongbin gets him hands again and when Taekwoon looks up again, there is a ring sliding up his finger.

His eyes go wide in less than a second. “Hongbinnie…?” The chokes the sentence out and Hongbin smiles at him, brightly and gently. His hold on Tarkwoon's hand tighten and he shows his own hand where a similar ring adorns his finger. “Do you remember my tattoos?” He asks as he gets up and walks to stand behind Taekwoon’s chair, hands on his shoulders.

In lieu of answering, he gives a nod. He does remember. “There are a lot of reasons why I have this two words, but you will know one of them today…” he starts, leaning over and making Taekwoon shrink out of self consciousness. They are on an open space, the street is just on the side of the small fence. People who walk by can see them just fine. At this distance all Hongbin has to do is whisper. “I made those tattoos on a place where it is very hard to see them… High up on my inner thighs. _Breathe_.” And Taekwoon exhales the breath he has been holding, not that he is breathing normally now. “This motive is one of the simplest… It's between my thighs, right where I want you to be.”

His hand press on Taekwoon’s shoulders and it’s a simple action, too bad Taekwoon has his face buried into his hands and so is not capable of seing the mean smile Hongbin has on his face.

A shame really.

They shall marry today.


	25. Porcelain

They do get married, legally they do.

They sign papers and have matching rings and Hongbin looks so happy during the entire time Taekwoon does not have the heart to deny him when he asks him to go home with him for a cup of coffee.

Quite frankly Taekwoon never expected to have coffee at all, even before they go to Hongbin's car and Hongbin has a hand holding his phone and another on his thigh. Quiet the entire way home, the smile on his face never really disappearing.

He never expected coffee at all.

So it is not a surprise that he feels a little nervous when they go inside, not because he is shy about it but because thinking about it makes him anxious.

The surprise comes when Hongbin really goes to the kitchen to make coffee.

Alright then.

He steps inside the kitchen to find Hongbin putting a kettle on the stove and going after some pretty mugs. “Do you want milk on yours, hyung?” Actually he wants to discuss serious business, and since he has the time then maybe… “Why didn't you tell me Chanshik was your first love interest?” The sound of one of the mugs falling to the floor and shattering in a million pieces echoes through the marble walls, it's not the only thing that was shattered apparently. “Why you had to go and _ruin my mood?_ _Why?!_ ” He turns to look at Taekwoon by the door and his eyes are filled with that violent feeling Taekwoon usually sees Hongbin wearing when he is about to get his gun. “ _ANSWER ME!_ ”

The kettle starts whistling and Hongbin looks at it as if he might as well throw boiling water into someone's face just to see the skin coming off. “I just wanted to know b-”

The other mug is throw to the floor and Taekwoon shrinks a little at the sound. “ _Do NOT mention him!_ ” He takes a deep breath and Taekwoon falls quiet. Again, he wants his pills. “Go. Wait for me on the living room… _GO!_ ” Taekwoon does leave, but not for the living room, to the bathroom to get one of his pills and swallow it down with some tap water, stuffing the flask into pants pockets. Only then he decides to go downstairs, hoping his medicine can overthrown the feeling of guilt. It does. Blissfully so.

“Hongbinnie…” Hongbin is getting the shards of porcelain from the floor with his bare hands, mindfully ignoring the small cuts it provides on his soft skin. If anything, they help him relax, he has little sensitivity on his palms anyway.

It takes only a second for him to crouch down beside Hongbin, another for the shard to be slap out of Hongbin's hands and one more to push Hongbin up and against that surface… the refrigerator? Hongbin didn't said a word but words are kind of irrelevant by this point.

Procedure. OK. One hand around Hongbin's waist, the other on his neck, it seems right. Hongbin encircles his neck with both arms.

Like this, with Hongbin's shirt ridding up he can clearly see some fingers imprinted into Hongbin's hips.

Oh well. It’s not his.

It takes only a single second for them to switch places, Hongbin spinning them around, with Taekwoon against this cold surface and Hongbin’s blood on his shirt where his hands touched him. “Don't start me up. You can't keep up with me right now.” He says, voice so serious it makes Taekwoon shudder without even been touched. “I'm angry. What are you going to do about it?” His eyes are cold and his voice is even like few things about Hongbin will ever be.

There was a time where this was one of Taekwoon’s worst fears, the dread of what he could find in Hongbin's eyes… Little did he know that there was… there _is_ nothing there.

Nothing all.

You can't fear nothing, it's illogical. So instead Taekwoon tries to make _something_ of it.

He pulls a kitchen knife, and extends it for Hongbin to take.

And he does. “ Help yourself.” He says, very simply, very easily.

“How so?” Hongbin is eying the knife carefully. The blood on his hands staining the handle and dripping down on the white tiled flooring.

There is no need for an answer, so Taekwoon only eyes him softly, smiles in a way that is gentle and warm and apologetic.

 _You decide_ …

Hongbin shakes his head and rests the cool blade of the knife on Tarkwoon's neck, the blunt side playing with the chain of his necklace. “Then say it. Say you want me to cut you. I won't force you.”

“I do.” Tarkwoon's voice sounds too loud if compared to the ticking red clock on the wall. “You do what?” Hongbin blinks very slowly, his free hand drips blood idly on the still forgotten pieces of porcelain all over the floor.

A deep breath, Taekwoon elaborating his sentence before saying it so he won't stumble upon the words. “I do want you to cut me.” His voice sounds stable but this, this feels really intense… For a brief moment a smile flashes across Hongbin's features but it ends too soon.

Hongbin is dropping the knife. “That's too bad…” then he is stepping away, walking to the door. “Find someone to take you back to Wonshik. And don't _ever_ mention my past relationship with that _liar_ again. I won't tolerate it, not even from you.” he looks at his bleeding hands in quietly. Sparing Taekwoon just a final glance. “Now leave. I don't want you here right now.”

He leaves without looking back. So he doesn't see when Taekwoon starts crying in peaceful silence.

Blood and tears are a common occurrence in this house.

 

~×~

  
  


He comes back to Wonshik's house feeling not only ashamed and humiliated, but also incredibly regretful.

Never in all those years he saw Hongbin looking that angry, that disappointed…

Never.

Hongbin never told him to leave.

And now he feels barely capable of standing, barely capable of opening the door and going inside so he can slide against the wooden surface and cry because there is nothing he can do. Hongbin does not care about words and he does not care about apologies. He will either forgive him on his own or just never be the same again.

In all honesty, he knows Hongbin will forgive him and it won't take long for him to do so, but the lingering taste of humiliation makes everything become amplified to a degree of sadness not actually necessary.

It's just that now he has no idea of what to do with himself other than try to be good for Hongbin. He can't find even tell if there is anything else in him other than this one strong force to move him.

Just like every other time he cries in silence, hands cupping his face as if trying to keep his tears just for himself. It takes a while for Wonshik to find him but he can't talk, he can only cry.

Out of guilt.

Out of shame.

Out of fear.

It's been awhile since the last time he ever felt fear. “Beautiful? Are you okay?” He walked all the way here, no doubt he must look like a mess right now. The questions are all dropped when Wonshik pokes his head out of the kitchen crouching down to pet his head and test if he can be touched or not.

He doesn't react negatively so… So he can start feeling him up, looking gently for any bruises, but the blood doesn't seem to be his and he doesn't look hurt.

 _Hongbin_ …

He sighs gathering Taekwoon in his arms and carrying him to his room, so he can place him on the bed and pet his hair until he stops crying, like he did many times before.

Taekwoon is glad for not being pressed with questions right now, he doesn't want to talk about it, won't ever want to talk about it.

But Wonshik knows, he understands, he won't ask.

He falls asleep like this, because his head hurts and he just wants for everything to _quiet down_. The pills help.

Now Wonshik just fishes his phone to call Hongbin, it rings five times before he picks up. That's something. He never takes so long to pick his phone. “Okay. What did he do?” Wonshik asks carefully.

“You told him? You did didn't you? _Who_ gave you the right to-” Wonshik stops him with a hand pressing on his temples, heaving to quiet down his own brain. He hear Taekwoon crying for a long time now, he feels a little jittery  “Woah, woah. Hold on. Don't come vent your frustrations on _me_ because _you_ feel messed up for fighting him.” Hongbin falls silent and then he hears the sound of a car door opening and then closing. “What did he do? Did he mentioned Chanshik?”

Something breaks and Wonshik fails to give any shits about it. “ _STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM!_ ” Wonshik gets the phone away from his ears and arches his brows in a momentary gesture of comprehension and discordance.

“He did, didn't he?” Wonshik taps his fingers against the kitchen counter, where he stands shirtless and poking around his bruises. They feel tender under his fingers… That’s the worst part.

The process of healing is terrible, he feels tired and useless most of the time, and now Hongbin is yelling on the phone like they are back at the beginning and he thinks Wonshik is interested in his father’s money.

 _Aish_ …

“ _Of course!_ Will else would I even argue with him for?!” He snaps his fingers, presumably speaking with someone else without wasting his words. Hongbin hates wasting words on useless people.

Wonshik sighs. “I will take care of him. Work.”

His call was solely to make sure if this was the worst case scenario.

Turns out it was.

He sighs and fills his glass with half whiskey half vodka. His wounds feel tender on the edges, and he is more tired than anything else. Taekwoon snatches the glass from him and drains in one fluid motion. It helps to take the bitter taste off his mouth.

Wonshik would complain about his pill and how he should not take them with alcohol but he is just the same, so he merely smirks. “Slept well handsome?”

Taekwoon mumbles an embarrassed _sorry_ with his eyes closed as he unbuttons his black shirt, shrugging out of it and throwing it on the floor. “Woah, what did I do to deserve the display?” Wonshik smiles, filling his cup again as Taekwoon runs his fingers through the messy strands of his own hair, head down and expression troubled. Wonshik only watches from afar.

“Sorry…” he whispers again, eyes still closed. His necklace dangling over the expanse of his chest. He exhales once and Wonshik takes a sip from his drink. “Your wounds, how are they?”

How are they? Usually he never pays much mind to pain. He generally hates them, that’s all. “Hm? I feel very normal.” He shrugs and Taekwoon sniffs softly. He watches as Taewoon excuses himself to go get the first aid on the bathroom, Wonshik drains his glass and follows shortly after, trailing after Taekwoon’s soft footsteps and standing behind him in comfortable silence, hands inside his pockets.

First he opens the box, then takes a few cotton balls and the antiseptic as always. “Have you taken your medicine?” Wonshik’s answer is a simple _yes_ , it goes on with other small questions followed by leveled up _yes’s_ until Taekwoon only hums at how dutifully Wonshik is taking his recovery. “You don't even need me here.” He chuckles humorlessly, a small attempt at lightening the mood. Wonshik doesn't have to be pulled into his problems.

Instead of laughing, his hands come to rest on Taekwoon’s hips, very still and not at all meaning anything other than soft support. “Don't do that… not in front of me.” Taekwoon feels himself shaking silently. But he won't cry again, he refuses to. He looks up and blinks rapidly, sniffing and rubbing at his mildly wet eyelashes. “On the sink, I will clean your wounds.” His voice comes out stable and his hands may feel cold but they stopped shaking.

As instructed, Wonshik sits on the sink and Taekwoon settles easily between his legs, dabbing the cotton on the ugly, tender wounds. Wonshik's hands come to cup his neck and play with the soft hair on his nape. “Why am I here? You can clearly hold your ground.” He is not complaining, he finds Wonshik soothing, and the idea of helping him makes him happy. Wonshik smiles at him. “You help me relax, gorgeous.” He says very simply. “Besides I get more at ease when I know where you are. Plus, your food is really great.”  Taekwoon sighs easily, spraying some antiseptic and watching it bubble, drying the excess off. “If you say so.” Wonshik's hands are also very warm, it's pleasant to have him around, but he needs to talk to Hongbin.

He might go insane if he doesn't. “You think I should talk to Hongbin now?” He eyes Wonshik carefully and Wonshik smiles that silly all-knowing smile of his. “Not now. Chanshik is a touchy subject for him, give him some space. He will come around like a good bunny.” He says, hands toying with the pendant around Tarkwoon's neck. “Stay here, he will come to you. He- Oh? _Oh_ _~_ is that a ring? Are you two legally married now?” Wonshik smiles and Taekwoon nods, with all this he clearly forgot they had their legal marriage today. Hongbin says the ceremony is more important but… He’s a lawyer, you can guess which one he actually cares about. “That's cute. I'm happy for you.” Wonshik plays around with the ring on his hand, smiling a little. His wounds must sting, they are so red and swollen.  “Wonshik-ah…” Wonshik hums softly, eyes cast on Tarkwoon's hand as he touches his nails with the tips of his thumbs. “What are we?”

His eyes look surprised, and he frowns in a way Taekwoon can only call playful for his smile widens a little. “You mean _we_ as me and you together or _we_ as me as my own person and you as your own person?” Taekwoon scoffs, Wonshik chuckles. “I'm serious, it's a valid question. Stop dismissing my questions, you're the one who asked you know?”

Just by that he knows the answer. If he has to ask he already knows the answer. “Forget it.” He steps off Wonshik's personal space to throw the used cotton on the trash, he is not running nor trying to end the discussion. For him the discussion is not a discussion and it is already over anyway but still… Still Wonshik hops off and has him thrown over the shower wall in a second. The glass shakes violently when Taekwoon’s back hits the cool surface, but nothing breaks, thank _god_. “Wonshik…?” his eyes are a bit wide, but he knows Wonshik won't hurt him. He _knows_. “Answer my question so I can answer yours.” He says, not pressing, not touching. He is just standing in front of Taekwoon with his hands inside his pockets. If Taekwoon goes away, and Wonshik won't stop him if he goes, this discussion is over and it shall never be touched again. Wonshik will never be serious about it again. “We together.” Taekwoon says after a long pause in which Wonshik is just standing there.

“There's no _we_ , beautiful.” He says, and it doesn't hurt to hear it. “However I am what you make of me. What you need of me… If that is a _we_ all you have to do is ask.” Wonshik rubs one of his eyes, his wounds must sting a lot. The healing process itches like hell. “But that's not why you ask is it? You ask because you are insecure and I enjoy skinship, but you don't and you think is weird to be comfortable with how easy it is for you to let me in. Because if I asked you _would_ fall to your knees.” He blinks a few times, it all sounds very casual. Taekwoon wishes he could say he is wrong but he isn't. “But you love Hongbin and that makes you confused. Because what you have with me is not physical either… You just let met under your skin, it happens. Don't overthink this okay? Just ask me if you need anything, I will give it to you.”

Surprisingly Wonshik seems to be as observing as him, and better than him with words. He sighs, hands pushing his hair off his face, looking up to meet Wonshik's stare with the same determination he has on court. This is a trial after all. “Yes. I would not deny you, and yes, I don't love you. But this is not fair Wonshik. I'm using you. You are a friend, you are not mine to use like this. I should never-” He has no chance of ever finishing his sentence. Wonshik sighs and scratches his neck, stepping _in_ and bending just a little to mold their lips together, the only point of contact being their lips and Taekwoon shrinks against the glass wall not to get away but because the surprise made jump a little, eyes wide, hands splayed against cold glass and inhaling sharply even if everything about Wonshik is soft against him.

God knows how the long the inner conflict not only prevents him from reciprocating or relaxing, but also stops him from backing away. When Wonshik backs away on his own accord and his breath fans across his lips, smelling like peppermint candy and alcohol, Taekwoon shudders for the first time. Shudders the second time when Wonshik speaks. “I'm _no one’s_. Remember that.” Taekwoon swallows dryly and nods fervently, quietly watching as Wonshik backs away and leaves the bathroom in slow steps, arms crossed over his chest.

Now on his own Taekwoon licks his lips and slides shakily against the fogged glass and to the floor. That's as far as his legs will take him for now. It was a kiss to prove a point, not to convey feeling, but Taekwoon does not mind that. He is not expecting feelings. In all honesty he is not looking for sex either, he is looking for a place where he can hide when feels like he failed. That's all he wants.

And he failed with Hongbin, horridly so. He is a coward, and Wonshik… Wonshik has a way with people.

He is not here expecting anything, he doesn't stare at Wonshik's lips or thinks about them fucking. He doesn't find sex all that important, he is not a teenager anymore.

But he won't deny Wonshik.

He can't. He doesn't want to deny him.

This is not love.

This is complicity.

This is about how Wonshik gives him shelter when his heart is broken because of how much he loves Hongbin, and how Hongbin loves him so much and how much he would _give_ …

He would give _everything._

  
  


~×~

  
  


Taekwoon smokes by the window, his mind back in one piece. The kiss was never mentioned again. Ever.

Wonshik sitting on the couch with a lollipop into his mouth and gameboy on his hands. “Hongbin called?” Wonshik asks without looking up from his game.

“Yes. What are you playing?” Taekwoon’s voice comes strained as he exhales the smoke, pressing the cigarette into the ashtray and popping a piece of peppermint gum into his mouth. “Tetris.” Wonshik makes a slurping sound around the lollipop and Taekwoon scrunches his nose in disgust. “What? Disgusted?” He does again and Taekwoon slaps his arm in mild annoyance. “Stop that.”  Wonshik laughs easily at the discomfort and goes back to his game. “Glad to see you feel good enough to be bothered by the noises I make with my candy.”

Taekwoon only looks at him, he should have never bought this for him, but _cherries_ … He had to. “I'm going out.” He announced suddenly, getting up and stuffing Wonshik's keys inside his pockets. He hears Wonshik asking where is he going but does not bother to answer. He leaves, heading for the company, to talk to Hakyeon.

Still focused on his game Wonshik sighs. “Kitten got all frisky over a lollipop.”  He finally loses the game and takes the lollipop off his mouth to swallow properly. _Cherries_.

This time when the lollipop goes back to his mouth he is smiling around it.

 

~×~

 

He steps inside the building wearing his street clothes, a black tank top cut too low on the collar and some ripped acid washed jeans that are very old but he likes a lot. The security bows respectfully to him and the secretary tries to warn Mr.Cha is busy but Taekwoon is not worried. He won't invade anything, he will mildly wave at Hakyeon through the glass wall of his office and see if he wants to talk to him or not.

If he is busy he can always go home.

Muttering the song from the elevator he stops in front of the glass to  and eyes Hakyeon on his end of the table, leaning forward and sporting his ruthless businessman face. It makes him smile despite himself.

The guy on the other side notices Taekwoon first and frowns, making Hakyeon turn as well, with a serious borderline angry expression on his eyes until his eyes fall on Taekwoon and he catches him waving at him through the glass, mouthing a quiet _hi_ that Hakyeon smiles at. In a second Hakyeon is up and opening the locked door, touching Taekwoon face and making the mentioned flinch back a bit. Hakyeon clicks his tongue at that. “You and Bin-ah are just the same. Why can't I touch your face?” He says, weakly slapping his arm. “Aish… What's the matter Woonie? Is everything okay?” He resigns on pets Tarkwoon's arms gently and Taekwoon looks at him with an amused smile on his face. Hakyeon coos at him more than his mother ever did. “No, I'm fine. Am I interrupting something important?” His eyes travel from Hakyeon to the man still sitting inside the room, looking very much resigned to Hakyeon’s lack of interest in him and plays aimlessly with a pen. “He looks sad. Ruthless.” He chides playfully, Hakyeon sighs, disinterested. “I did not frequent business school to learn how to be kind.” Taekwoon laughs.

“How are you feeling? I’ve heard you and Hongbin had a fight? Is it true?” Taekwoon nods silently and Hakyeon presses him into a reassuring hug to which he has to bend down to properly appreciate. “Aw, Woonie… Whatever it is don't worry, Binnie will come around.” He says gently, and Taekwoon nods again feeling his phone vibrate inside his back pockets.

The cell phone screen lights with a name and a number. A message.

_Lee Hongbin._

_come to the lobby_

~

That's all it says. Hongbin perks at the screen and promptly starts pushing him towards the elevator. “Go, go. I see you later, alright? Fighting!” _Fighting? Oh my god, Hakyeon…_

Despite Hakyeon’s embarrassing choices of words Taekwoon does as instructed and goes downstairs. And as expected, finds Hongbin with his black button up shirt, alongside with the rest of his formal attire, the black pants, the Italian shoes, the silver watch and his hair properly stilled to the side.

Handsome as always.

Except this time he looks tired.

Taekwoon stops on his tracks when he his eyes turn to him, Hongbin's hands stuffed inside his pockets like he does when he is waiting. The secretary watches the exchange in complete silence.

The silence stays when Hongbin takes the first step, and when he starts walking.

It stays when Hongbin stops right in front of Taekwoon and when he leans to rest his forehead on his shoulder.

It stays when he takes his hands out of his pockets to rest on Tarkwoon's hips and when he buries his nose on the crook of his neck to inhale deeply.

It stays until Hongbin says, voice even but exhausted. “I'm tired.”

Then Taekwoon hugs him to properly cradle him against his chest. “I'm sorry… I shouldn't have-” Hongbin shushes him with a tired sigh. “ _Don't_ _._ ” He whispers against Taekwoon's collar. “I just want to sleep… Let's go home, _please_.”

His phone vibrates again when the are already in the car, Wonshik's name and two very simple but very meaningful words.

_You're welcome_

~

Taekwoon smiles at both, the message and Hongbin already breathing in soft slumber against his thigh.

What would he do without them?


	26. Bad Habit

Truthful to his words, Hongbin sleeps, he sleeps for hours until it gets dark.

Only then he sits up, open shirt all rumpled and looks at Taekwoon as he rubs his teary left eye. To say he looks like a mix between a child and a underwear model is an understatement.

Taekwoon watches quietly as Hongbin closes his eyes for a second, opening them to shake the hair off his face and squint at the blaring white lights of the room. He looks like a small child and Taekwoon feels like smiling but doesn’t, stays impassive, looking at Hongbin as he blinks slowly and yawns. “You think I’m cute, don’t you?” he asks, eyes narrow to avoid the light. Taekwoon smiles then, nodding lightly. “I do.” Hongbin makes a noise and flops down into the bed, nuzzling his pillow. Taekwoon only chuckles. “Cute.”

Hongbin makes a sound and throws a pillow at him. He has many of them on his bed after all. “You and Wonshik have to _stop_ calling me that.” If Taekwoon knew Hongbin looks this soft and slow when he wakes up he would have kept close attention to him. “Wonshik?” his hand threads carefully into the blonde strands of Hongbin’s hair.

“We used share a room in the reformatory.” he mumbles hoarsely, his voice dripping with sleep. “I broke his nose for calling me that… He laughed in my face and threw me out of the window. I broke my arm.” He yawns again, gently humming at the light ministrations on his hair.

Broke his arm? Jesus christ… “Threw you out of the window?” Hongbin nods as he plays with his fingers. “Me and Wonshik fighting was usual… He is all chuckles and that stupid small friendly smile of his and that thing he has with cherries… But he is not someone you would like to piss off.” He aimlessly bites the tip of Taekwoon’s finger, the one where his engagement ring is. “There is a lot more about Wonshik than he let it show… He is not my right hand over empty empathy and feeble friendship.”

“Then why?” Hongbin looks at him when he asks that, his small smirk in place, the one he uses when he is not thinking about cooperating. “Think that if I love you, Wonshik doesn’t… Think that while you think you don’t know anything about me, you feel like you know exactly who he is… Think that while I always made myself very clear over everything that I like or dislike, all you know about Wonshik is that he fights and likes cherries.” Taekwoon frowns slightly. He is right. He knows absolutely nothing about Wonshik, even so he let Wonshik come closer than most of the people he ever met in his life… People he knew for years. “Wonshik has a way with people… At least he does not lie. It’s one of his stupid personal rules.” He sits up again, to get his cigarettes and get a clean shirt. Taekwoon is left to think, but now is not the time to. He missed Hongbin immensely, and now all he wants to think of is him and their marriage. He will handle Wonshik later.

He gets up and walks to Hongbin as he chooses his new shirt. “Hongbinnie…” his hands rest on Hongbin's waist and Hongbin melts easily against his chest. “I’m sorry… for making you sad.” Hongbin was not sad, he was inhumanly angry. But that's not important right now. “So very sorry… on the same day we got married.” His fingers trace the lines of muscle on Hongbin's stomach because he feels nervous and he has to keep his hands occupied. Hongbin has no need to say anything, he just gets the wandering hand easily and guides it to the invisible button on his formal pants, smiling softly as he uses his free hand to bring Taekwoon's mouth back against his.

Taekwoon, who needs no words to understand what is asked of him, slides his cold fingers down the hem of Hongbin's pants to curl, albeit a little strained and limitedly, around willing flesh. They have to part so Hongbin can hiss, whisper _cold_ too hotly against his lips and cover the hand on his waist with his own. Taekwoon flicks his wrist a few times, guiding himself through the small noises Hongbin sometimes spills over his mouth. Soft and shameless.

Always shameless.

Hongbin tips from his high with his eyes closed and his mouth slightly open in silent moan, the hand that holds Taekwoon’s own on his waist pressing down and Taekwoon holding them both up steady because Hongbin does not care. “I’m sorry…” Taekwoon says again, kissing Hongbin’s neck softly. “You are lucky I have so many things to do… But if you even mention Chanshik I will cut you and rub salt at your wounds, alright?” he asks, voice husk and sweet from the aftermath. “Im serious. I will cut you.”

Taekwoon nods and slaps Hongbin’s ass very casually, making Hongbin turn to look at him as he closes the buttons of his shirt. “Since when are you this bold? Is Wonshik’s lack of decency rubbing off on you?” Taekwoon shakes his head. It’s weird to see how comfortable Hongbin is with Wonshik around him.

“Why you let Wonshik near me?” he asks, out of pure curiosity as Hongbin gets a new suit to go out that matches his pants and Taekwoon marches to the bathroom to get a tissue and clean the cum off his hand. “I just do. You are too nosy.”

“I'm not nosy, I'm your husband.” Taekwoon comes back and checks his phone. Hongbin makes a sound that forces Taekwoon's eyes to wander back at him. “I like that. Say it again.”

A light chuckle and Taekwoon worrying his lips between his teeth. “I'm your husband.” He says again, and Hongbin walks to him cupping his cheeks gently.  His smile is soft and his lips look smooth. “My husband.” a small pause on which Taekwoon wants to bury himself alive instead of dealing with Hongbin's stare. “I'll still call you hyung, though. Old habits die hard.” Taekwoon can feel the marks of the cuts Hongbin made days prior on the palm grazing the sking of his face as he looks down to his feet. “Go. I have to work and you distract me immensely… Go, but come back to me.”  

Hongbin walks out then, his phone ringing and his voice stern. “Tie him up. And call Jaehwan, I'm on my way.”

 

~×~

 

Taekwoon comes back with butterflies on his stomach, and Wonshik is halfway done with the bag of cherry lollipops, his tongue and lips so red it looks like he chew at some lipstick or sucked on a red marker. “Hey, beautiful. “ he says as he plays with this gigantic puzzle game, pieces scattered around the floor as he stares at the box where the picture this is supposed to form stares back at him defiantly. “Where did you get this?" _This_ was not here when he left, and the idea of Wonshik leaving the apartment to buy a jigsaw puzzle sounds… surreal. He is not left to speculation for long, Wonshik takes the lollipop off his mouth to speak. “Sanghyuk dropped by and brought me this. Pretty cool, huh? It's a cat garden.” Lollipop back into his mouth and Wonshik is back at staring into the pieces and trying to find their proper places. “Oh! A corner.” He smiles and puts the corner over the table, sitting on the carpet with his legs crossed. Taekwoon smiles on his way to the kitchen. “Have you eaten dinner yet?” Wonshik makes this noise that sounds very similar to _shit_. Probably not then.

He rolls up his sleeves and thinks of something quick to do, maybe noodles. Yeah, noodles are a nice idea.

“Are you and Hongbin okay again?” Wonshik asks, and Taekwoon immediately remembers what Hongbin said about Wonshik letting too little of him show. He just fails to feel apprehensive over Wonshik. “Fine.” He answers easily as he sets the water to boil and the packages of noodles over the counter. In face of his one word answer Wonshik cones over, head resting over his companion's shoulder as Taekwoon rips the packages open. “What are you thinking about, hm?” Taekwoon hums and shrugs, smiling quietly to himself.

“Just thinking about how you and Hongbin work… He told me some things today.” Now is Wonshik’s turn to hum, hands resting over the same place as Hongbin's a few hours prior. “He said there is a lot more to you than you let it show.” Wonshik watches as he carefully places the blocks of noodles into the water, separating the packages of seasoning for later. “That's true. What about it?”

Taekwoon turns into his hold and sits back on the sink. “I'm curious, that's all.” As they speak Wonshik separates his knees so he can fit between his legs. “It's not good to ask too many questions in this line of work. It ties you _in here_.”  Taekwoon chuckles and mumbles he never asked him any questions, it's just feeble curiosity. It happens. Wonshik smiles amusedly at him, chuckling. “You mumble like a reprimanded child.”

The water boils quietly and Taekwoon leans to the side, one hand on the sink and the other holding a fork to mix the noodles more evenly and make sure of where are the flavouring packages. He thinks that it's usual of him to mumble, there's no need to point that out. “Your breath smells like cherries.” He says instead and Wonshik blows a puff of cherry scented breath directly into his face, making him flinch back too defensively and occasionally drop the fork. Wonshik snorts unapologetically. “What happened?”

Taekwoon takes a few seconds to relax again. “You scared me…” Wonshik laughs again, he is saying something about Taekwoon starting to become like Hakyeon, but Taekwoon is not listening, his mind wandering back to what Hongbin said once again.

_Think that if I love you, Wonshik doesn’t… Think that while you think you don’t know anything about me, you feel like you know exactly who he is… Think that while I always made myself very clear over everything that I like or dislike, all you know about Wonshik is that he fights and likes cherries._

He also knows Wonshik hates his own bellybutton. That's kind of stupid but men of habit shall do as men of habit do. If that involves self depreciation over one's bellybutton then… well. Taekwoon starts laughing and lowers his head, he is failing at taking this seriously. But Hongbin said, so it is important. “What are you laughing at?” Wonshik asks while he turns off the stove and rips the packages of seasonings open. Taekwoon bites his lips for a second. “You.” It's very simple, Wonshik pinches his thigh and Taekwoon makes this startled noise, gripping the handle of the cabinet and tearing it _off_ the cabinet in a loud cracking sound.

Maybe is his face of utter mortification, maybe is the fact that he just ripped the handler off with his bare hands… Wonshik breaks into a fit of laughter so intense he has to back away and sit down, just so he can rest his head over the table to hide his face.

And maybe because Taekwoon is shy or maybe because he just destroyed other people's furniture when he is reluctant to even borrow their towels in silent fear of staining them, maybe because Wonshik is laughing so hard he will probably choke very soon, may be the cause of Taekwoon's vicious blush and the tremor in his hands or the way his eyes threaten to well up with tears.

This is all too hard to handle, no pun intended.

 

~×~

  
  


Hongbin is checking his back in the mirror. The nail marks are seemingly gone and he is so tired.

There are sounds coming from the other room, but he pays them no mind, he lights a cigarette and takes a drag. So tired. So frustrated.

Wonshik said something that got him thinking, Wonshik always says things that get him thinking. _Yeah. But what about Taekwoon?_

Wonshik knows Hongbin would never suspect Taekwoon. Never. It doesn't matter, he would never. So stabbing and all… It was a necessary sacrifice. It was certainly liberating to order people to stab Wonshik after all this years, he hasn't done it in so long but… He feels no relief. This situation makes him restless.

Because he wants someone to torture, but he has to wait, play it nice and pretend he is stable, that he doesn't see red all the time.

Baucause now he has reasonable doubt.

And the one to be tortured may be _his_ hyung.

Wonshik said he would take care of everything, and Hongbin trusts him. Like he always did and will always do.

He stares at the ring in his hands and sighs irritatebly, taking another long drag of his cigarette. Thinking about it makes him so angry… Today was… His conversation with Taekwoon was...

He gets his knife again when a particularly strained moan brings him back to the present. The eyes that stare back at him on the mirror are ruthless, and he leaves Sanghyuk on hold on the phone. People may die tonight.

Three more days to go.

His skin tingles with desire either hurt Taekwoon beyond repair or let him fuck him against a wall.

There is only so much the monster can hold.

He wants this to hurt.

Wonshik will continue to observe.

 

 

~×~

 

 

Taekwoon stands in front of the toilet with his pills and prescriptions in hand, quietly gathering courage to take action.

He can't be  forever a pushover. Being sober is hard but he has to. Even if his head hurts, it is important. So now his hands hoover, albeit a little sweatly, over the toilet where he intends to discard all his pills and no longer use any permanent drug. Just the recreational ones. “What are you doing, doll?” Wonshik has his shoulder resting on the doorframe, eying him with curiosity. Taekwoon drops both, the pills and the prescriptions on the toilet and dries his hands on his jeans. “Getting rid of my pills.” He says a little embarrassedly, Wonshik leans over to see the yellow bottle and the blurry receipts getting soaked. He hums softly and looks as Taekwoon looks down as sniffs a bit, hand awkwardly stuffed inside his pockets. “Why?” Wonshik looks only curious, clear that if Taekwoon is not keen on talking about it he won't ask again. Taekwoon swallows the spit pooling under his tongue. “I… don't want to hide anymore.”  Wonshik hums and nods curtly. Taekwoon feels restless and walks out, past Wonshik and to the balcony to light a cigarette, his mind torn between many subjects and a familiar pound starting in his temples.

The highs and lows of sobriety.

His sober mind tells him to be careful but he clearly does not care about that any longer. He is unstable and his brain is not in one piece anymore but he works, eats, sleeps and fucks better like this. He needs no restrain, he needs no self preservation.

He looks at the thin white scars marring his hand, the scar on his forearm, the burnt mark on his collarbone, the white trace of a bruise made with knife right beside it, and lower still, on his hip, the gunshot and it's scar a little wrinkly, like rumpled paper…

He does not mind them… he doesn't mind at all. Maybe he should make a tattoo as well, he has been thinking about it… He is not afraid of the pain and some times he has things he wants to remind himself of.

It would help to keep him in place without drugs. Some times he wants just a reminder, not a blanket to hide under.

His hands slide over his chest to the hidden scars, the gunshot feels a little lumpy, but just a little… his ring scratches the surface of marred skin and it makes his shiver, the stark contrast between his life as he wants it and as it is.

The blood is normal, the sex is expected.

The drugs are welcomed, the violence is wanted.

It scares him to think of how little he minds the knifes and the guns, how the screams don't make his stomach churn.

The stains...

The bullets…

The cries for mercy…

Just so… comom, normal, a part of his daily routine… was he always like this? Was he always this tainted? His inner self, was it always like this? Just waiting for an excuse to come out?

Was he always a monster?

Wonshik covers his hands with his own, touching the scars in simple silence. “I‘m proud of you, beautiful.” He must be talking about the pills, so Taekwoon just nods, taking the last drag of his cigarette and flicking it away.

“Tell Hongbin I quit. Bring the shady business directly to me. I will handle it, I don't need to be official to deal with dirty money.” He exhales the smoke in one fluid go, popping a piece of candy under his tongue and letting it melt there. “I'm calling Hakyeon and then I'm going out.”

Wonshik blinks a little off. But Taekwoon needs this fifty seconds of stupid blind courage so he can go on and remember. “Don't worry I'm taking Jaehwan with me.” And then Taekwoon is going out with his heart racing and his cellphone in hand.

Time to enter the game.

He says he wants all his reports, his contracts, his deals and his _deals_ in paper written by hand, no computers no copies. That he wants his name taken off record and everything must be given to him directly for evaluation.

And then he gets Jaehwan and asks him to take him to a place.

They go and on the way back Jaehwan wants ice cream and they go buy ice cream because he won't deny ice cream either. Now Jaehwan is talking and Taekwoon thinks he is very funny and has a lot of problems going on. “And there was no next season on Netflix and I'm so betrayed, Kitten-hyung! Why would they fill me with hope like this just to stomp on my heart?” Taekwoon snorts, Jaehwan is very serious about this “One Piece” thing, it makes him feel a little bad for him so maybe he should buy dinner for him? “Should we go get dinner, then?”

Jaehwan scrunches his nose for a moment. “Taekwoonicorn, we are _friends_ , ok? _Just_ friends. I'm sorry if I broke your heart, but I like girls.” Taekwoon bites his lip to hold back his stupid sounding laugh and lowers his face to cover his strange looking smile, taking deep breaths and nodding back to Jaehwan because playing along to Jaehwan warped mind track is one of his favourite favourite things to do with Jaehwan other than hear him speaking endlessly with little to no intervention other than his occasional chuckle and amused face. “Oh no. Did I make you sad? Oh no, come here.” He hugs Taekwoon and the man just shrinks into himself more, with Jaehwan petting his hair and saying he is _gonna be ok, he has Hongbunny after all._

_He does... He has Hongbin... But that's not the only thing he has is it?_


	27. Playing House

He goes back home in the middle of the night and all the lights are off. Weird considering Wonshik takes a ridiculous amount of time to go sleep, specially now he has that ginormous jigsaw puzzle to busy his brain. But the lights are off already, and Taekwoon can notice two things. It's too quiet and Wonshik is not that quiet when sleeping.

Number two is Wonshik's coat is not over the couch.

Did he went out?

He takes his wallet off his back pockets and leaves his keys on the table. Going for the light switch on the other side. “Why would someone put the light switch here?” He mumbles to himself. The complete silence is a little unsettling, but he is not medicated and he has not seen that moth in ages.

His cellphone battery is dead and he had no idea of where is his charger. Instead he takes a shower and goes to bed, his mind revolving around the same question over and over until there's a loud bang on the door that makes him jump and sit up immediately.

His eyes looking at the clock to check is a little past midnight, then Jaehean’s voice filters through the thin walls and reaches Taekwoon's ears like a ton of bricks.  “HYUNG WE NEED TO GO HONGBIN GOT SHOT!”

He has little idea of what goes from there, but he can faintly discern the sound of a  car engine and voices… probably Jaehwan on the phone.

But his eyes are closed.

He feels cold.

 

~×~

 

Wonshik is there, resting silently against the wall as Taekwoon storms inside in his pyjamas and his hair looking like a bird’s nest, out of breath and with his eyes a little red.

Hongbin is out, the beeping of the machine is familiar. Someone is playing games with them and that makes Wonshik angrier than the fact that Hongbin got shot in iself. He is no toy.

Worse thing is: Sunwoo and Jinyoung are absent for months now, since their last meeting. According to Hakyeon they are trying to solve a threason of their own. Even Dongwoo was worried and the man is no actor, can't lie to save his life.

And that is exactly why he is in that wheelchair you see.

Wonshik has no name to blame whatsoever and that makes his mood so sour not even Taekwoon's airy sobs can fix that, but they do make his eyes fall away from the window and his fists relax back into hands again.

He lost track of Hakyeon when he got his phone, and Sanghyuk went with him to guarantee no one would get destroyed in the meantime, Jaehwan brought Taekwoon and Taekwoon is crying, clutching to Hongbin's hand like many have done before him, but for totally different reasons.

The masks and wires and tubes give Hongbin a pitiful appearance, that may be the reason why Taekwoon is crying so hard, or maybe it's because Hongbin is cold.

This feels like an eternity, and no one is paying any attention to the doctors walking around the room doing things. That is the main reason why Wonshik didn't got any closer. Doctors.

But he has now, because Hongbin is gonna be taken for surgery and Taekwoon needs to be restrained.

One arm around his waist and the other holding his wrist. Taekwoon is shaking, but he does not try to get away from him, not when they take Hongbin away, not when the door closes, leaving them both alone to their thoughts, a minute passes and only then he steps forward, to the door, and Wonshik tightens his hold, uttering a resolute _stop_ that has Taekwoon falling apart like a house of cards and into the floor on his knees like a repetent… Wonshik leaves him on his knees and goes back to that spot near the corner to look out of the window.

It's Hakyeon who enters then, eying Taekwoon on his knees and walking to him with a kind voice and touching his shoulder carefully. Taekwoon, who was silent, stars crying again, hands cupping his own face in something kin to shame and Hakyeon shots a warning glance at Wonshik as his arms go around Tarkwoon's shoulders to let him cry and wrinkle his expensive suit. _What have you done?_ Is the question in those eyes, but Wonshik just stares back and shrugs, he can't afford empathy at the moment, he simply can't. A shame really, but he has more pressing matters in hand. Hongbin is vastly feared by most and this is one of the things that starts wars all over the state. Gangs are some serious issues downtown.

“Come, Woonie, I’ll take you home.” Wonshik considers saying Taekwoon is living with him for the time being, but he knows he just lost this right. He very well knows Hakyeon’s opinion on Wonshik's orders to watch over Taekwoon and see if he has a hand in all this.

If anything Wonshik knows he hasn't, but he likes to have Taekwoon around, he is a good boy, soft and smooth to touch.

Maybe he just feels a little guilty for doubting him? Lying to him?

Except Wonshik has nothing like morals in him and the feeling he has is only a mild combination of anger and tiredness.

Taekwoon and Hakyeon are still talking and Taekwoon is considerably better than the last time Wonshik stopped to pay attention. “I will leave once I know if he is ok or not.”

Wonshik finally intejects. “Go home.” Taekwoon shots him a look so fierce it makes Wonshik arch both eyebrows. His voice is not even shaky when he speaks, his eyes are still red, but he leaves no space to be contradiction. “Mind your own business.” Then to Hakyeon, softer. “I’ll stay. I'll call you as soon as I know.” Then he is up to his feet and Wonshik is almost certain he screwed something up.

“Then let's grab a cup of coffee. If you stay, I stay. I won’t leave with _him_.” He tilts his head in Wonshik's direction, knowing very well that just like Hongbin, Wonshik focus stops him from doing normal human things. Until he has silenced the storm, he won't be a very good company. And Taekwoon needs someone to actually talk to him.

As if to prove Hakyeon's point, Wonshik doesn't move. If anything he didn't even heard the accusations, since their fight Wonshik is paying very little attention to whatever comes out of Hakyeon’s mouth. Taekwoon nods and runs his hands at his eyes too eagerly, hands and sleeves drying the water to on his face as he sniffs two or three times to pretend nothing happened.

Not the time to be sensitive.

Not the time to be _weak_.

Bury those feelings and be quiet.

Hakyeon gets Taekwoon's both hands to make him stop before he actually hurt himself. “Calm down, ok?” He smiles and his hands cup Taekwoon's neck. It's a common gesture, Hakyeon does it to many, is his invasive way to pass assurance. He is a good friend, clingy and touchy but a good friend. “Let's go get some coffee, shall we?” The hands on his neck go back to his hands and Taekwoon is dragged out with Wonshik attentively observing their intertwined fingers.

He knows what Hakyeon is trying to do, and considering how soft hearted Taekwoon actually is, it might as well work.

Manipulative bastard…

  
  


~×~

 

And night stretches on. Wonshik sitting on the couch in the corner and Taekwoon smoking by the window, selectively ignoring the sign that claims that you should not smoke inside that room. “Are you angry, beautiful?” He finally asks after all the quiet staring he went through on the last hour. “Did I disappoint you? Do you think I'm insensitive?”

The white cloud of smoke that surrounds Taekwoon conceals a good part of his expression for a few seconds. “No.” He says through the curtain of black hair and smoke. “I know you care about Hongbin a lot.” Wonshik does not  confirm not deny that observation, hands clasped together and elbows resting on his knees, bending his body forward to pay close attention at the man's reactions. “I did not ask about Hongbin, Taekwoon.”

Taekwoon scoffs, stubbing out his cigarette  and looking cautiously at Wonshik. “I always knew you didn't care much about anyone. I don't expect much tenderness from none of you.” Wonshik looks at him as if he has something to say. “Are you even capable of doing something without expecting a compensation? A favour? A payment?” He is not trying to insult Wonshik, and there's no real bite in his words. He thinks that's normal.

Then Wonshik leans back. “I guess I don't.” His feet come over the coffee table and he crosses his arms, eyeing Taekwoon and measuring his expression. “But don't you thinks it's only fair? To expect something in return for doing something in someone else's place? After all it's their problem, not mine. And I went out of _my_ way and _my_ things to help. It's only fair to receive something.” In face of Taekwoon's complete discredit he elaborates further. “If you do your job you expect to get paid, right? Or else people might exploit you, right? It's fair to receive things for a job done. In business as in life.” Wonshik shrugs, it makes sense. Everyone has problems, and everyone must do what it takes to survive, it's already hard to be good enough to sustain yourself, doing that for others… people are not created with the same devices, you have use your own. It's part of human nature.

Adaptation or death.

This humanitarian bullshit is just… People die. It happens, not everyone can survive.

Taekwoon lost his internal monologue about life entirely, so it's no wonder when he starts speaking again and cuts his train of thought. “So what if I asked for all the favours you owe me for all the times I patched you up?” Wonshik never really thought that he _didn't_ owe Taekwoon _something_ for his help, it's just that he never asked for anything and that's not something you might rush. “Do you want anything?”

“From you? Nothing.” Taekwoon says a little more playfully than expected and Wonshik hisses, one hand on his chest to pretend he is offended, pretend he has a heart to break. The mood lightens just like this, with Tarkwoon's smile behind the flyer he has been occupying his hands with.

“Excuse me for a second, ok?” Wonshik smiles and goes outside, yelling over his shoulder if Taekwoon wants something from the vending machine downstairs. He doesn't, so he just hops three steps at once to the lobby, passing the vending machine completely, to find Hakyeon smoking outside. “Stop this shit.” He says as Hakyeon lights his minty cigarette crap and takes a careless drag.

His voice comes a little strained when he exhales. “Beg your pardon?” The last button of his suit is unbuttoned and he has that look that says he knows something.

He always have that look.

“You know what I'm talking about. Stop trying to befriend Taekwoon to teach us a lesson.” Hakyeon scoffs, taking another drag of his cigarette before formulating an answer. “Can you even learn lessons? Stupid watchdog.”

Wonshik stuffs his hands inside his coat's pockets. “I'm serious. I hate when you meddle on my business, Hakyeon.” Hakyeon mumbles a _I'm sure you do_ under his breath. With his temper fights are usual. “Understand something, Wonshik. I take care of my own. He is one of my own.”

This time Wonshik has to tilt his head to the side. “What? Since when? What do you want from him?” His voice quickly shifts to something quieter, more dangerous. “Hakyeon, you know he is-”

“Yours and Hongbin's plaything, I know. My liking of him has nothing to do with sex, I just actually enjoy his company. Amazing right?” Wonshik is midway to tell him he is not _his_ anything but Hakyeon only mildly interrupts his sentence before Wonshik has the chance to voice it out loud. “Spare yourself the trouble of forming this sentence. You may not _love_ him or whatever but you like the way he goes with you. He doesn't mind your lack of decency and he doesn't build hopes over your clinginess, he gives in to you easily and his good heart gives your frozen one some peace. You _like_ playing house with him.” Hakyeon spits the words out and takes one last drag before flicking the stub on the street. “I won't let you break him. He is the first good thing to happen since Hyuk, and you ruined Hyuk already.”

Wonshik runs his hand through his hair tiredly. He won't think about any of this. “Hakyeon-” Hakyeon raises his hand and Wonshik is once again reminded of how ruthless of a negotiator Hakyeon actually is. “Don’t. I will fight the both of you if I have to. And not because I want to fuck him, but because I give a fuck. Shove that arrogance of your up your ass, I don't run from my fights.” He stomps out like this, hands inside his pockets to the coffee across the street, muttering under his breath.

 _Fucking cocky brat_.

Wonshik sighs, looking up to the heavens and remembering there is no one there that gives a shit about him after all he has done.

Well there's that.

His way back inside is silent, almost missing the vending machine and buying some candy, separating all the cherry ones before stepping inside the room where Taekwoon took the couch. “Want some candy?” He asks with his hand full of cherry flavoured candy pieces, giving Taekwoon the entire rest of the box and sitting by the window to enjoy. Taekwoon eyes him amusedly.

Too bad Wonshik is busy thinking of what Hakyeon said to him.

Mercifully a doctor steps inside before Taekwoon has a chance of asking what worries him. He is up and looking at the doctor instead of fussing over Wonshik's distraction. “The surgery went well. He is stable but we are doing some exams on his liver, he has a possibility of having cirrhosis.” Taekwoon blinks slowly. Cirrhosis on his twenties? Is that even possible? Wonshik whistles and Taekwoon wants to hit him for being so uncaring about his best friend's health.

_These two I swear to god..._

“He is not awake and probably won't be for a while. He lost too much blood, I suggest the both of you to go home and sleep, visitors will be allowed only tomorrow, now we will put him under observation.”

Wonshik shakes him he'd and sits back down, arms and legs crossed, he doesn't trust doctors. Taekwoon talks to the doctor, asks if everything is under control, his shoulders no longer stiff, his hands no longer shaking.

But now Wonshik knows everything is fine he can go back to his candy and distraction.

_You like to play house with him._

Play house? Is that what he is doing? Playing house? Might as well be. More than once he finds himself postponing his verdict over Taekwoon's character based on feeble suspicions and excuses.

He likes company.

He likes Tarkwoon's company.

He likes playing house.

Specially, he likes playing house with Taekwoon.

Selfish.

He smiles to himself and Taekwoon sits beside him again with a sigh, rubbing his face with both of his cold hands. Wonshik pats his back placatingly, making him raise his tired eyes, instead of words, he offers a piece of cherry candy and Taekwoon watches him quizzically. “Aren't those the cherry ones?” Wonshik nods, popping another one into his mouth and getting another to put it in front of Taekwoon's face prodding him to open his mouth and just eat the damned piece of candy. He does and Wonshik's fingers sliding past his lips to place the candy over his tongue with a smile. Soft lips. “Why are you giving me the cherry one?” Taekwoon asks around the candy inside his mouth.

Wonshik hums and chuckles to himself. “Feeling selfless.” Taekwoon snorts and his own smile grows wider. “Do you want to sleep? It’s late.” his voice sounds a smooth kind of serious and it makes Taekwoon chuckle but he shakes his head anyway, he can handle a night awake, Wonshik should know that before asking.

After all it would be unfair to leave Wonshik to face the next few hours of the night alone. “I'm so relieved he is ok… Jaehwan looked so stressed up I… I was so worried.” Taekwoon keeps ripping small pieces of that flyer he previously held, the pieces falling to the floor one after another in a messy pile.

The hand he placed on Taekwoon's thigh presses gently in a quiet signal of assurance, making Taekwoon lower his head a little self consciously. “You must think I'm silly.”

“I do.” He mentions, being hit by a pillow almost instantly. It doesn't hurt and he laughs. “Let me finish! I do think you're silly, but I also think you are very strong. It's not for everyone… this life we live.” It isn't.

It truly isn't.

But Taekwoon just shrugs shyly, his hands clasped together as he locks them together with his knees. Like a kid being told to introduce to strangers for the first time, afraid of making eye contact. “Maybe I should sleep.”

Wonshik just chuckles.

Maybe he should.

Now he knows Hongbin is going to be ok he is ok too, isn't he?

He must be.


	28. Be a Problem

Hongbin is not waking up and he is restless, even with the doctors telling him it's normal, telling him some people take longer than others to wake up.

Telling him Hongbin has cirrhosis.

Which is not a surprise considering the amount of sex, alcohol and drugs he makes use of on a daily basis. He has the feeling that Hongbin has been holding back on him and he can't exactly pinpoint why.

Is it because of Wonshik? Is he jealous of him? He is almost sure he would say something if he was.

Free time is good for two things: reading and overthinking and Taekwoon is doing both with some frequency now.

Wonshik took over everything and Hakyeon is helping him since politics are not his forte.

He is a gardener not a businessman.

So now he is sitting beside his phone with a cigarette idly burning between his fingers, thinking about everything and waiting for the doctor to call until Sanghyuk comes around the corner with sauce on his face and flour on his hands, telling him Hakyeon told him Wonshik is calling him from Hongbin's office.

Alright...

And he goes because he is not really doing anything other than stare at his phone and try to smoke a bit.

Being sober all the time is weird, and without his pills he has trouble sleeping and not biting on his nails. But he can manage all that.

The knock on the door is too light and he has to knock again for Wonshik to hear.

Instead of telling him to come in, Wonshik is the one to get up from the couch on the corner and open the door– since he refuses to use Hongbin's table he is not dead stop this, Wonshik.

“Hey, doll.” and he smiles that kids smile of his. Wonshik considerably extended his vocabulary of words eligible to call Taekwoon in public, that including: doll, baby, baby doll, gorgeous, handsome, cutie, and the always present beautiful.

Taekwoon has no name anymore.

It's easy for him to just accept his conditions, it doesn't bother him when It's just the two of them. It's kind of funny how Wonshik is all about nicknames when Hongbin calls him hyung and hyung only. “Hey, Ravi-ya.”

Wonshik gives him space to enter and he does, going to Hongbin's table to fuss around his papers. “How's Hongbin? The doctor called?” Wonshik goes back to the couch, sitting with the same lack of grace he does when he is wearing his faded blue jeans and that gray shirt he uses for gardening, even if now he is wearing a nice black suit Hakyeon forced him into because this line of work is not about comfort Wonshik, sush. “Not about any improvements. He does have cirrhosis though. He called about that this morning.” They don’t dwell on the subject.

Wonshik managed to negotiate the tie. He does not wear it, he gave up all his rings to get rid of the obligation of using a tie. Not even Hakyeon was able make him button up every button of his shirt, the last two stay open no matter how much whining he has to hear all the time because of it.

He looks distressingly like a model, or a very elegant pimp.

Hands come to slide along Taekwoon's sides, Wonshik's nose on his nape as he hums to himself, observing as Taekwoon reads a few papers and writes a few observations, slightly bent over the table to write clearly. “What are you doing, baby?” He asks out of curiosity, since Taekwoon's handwriting is nearly unintelligible. Hakyeon is the only one who reads it.

“Leaving notes for Hakyeon.” He says simply, not minding Wonshik's breath fanning on his neck or his hands sliding distractedly under his shirt. “Wonshik, hands.” He mentions with a slight tap over the wandering hands, Wonshik stopping almost immediately.

For Wonshik it may be natural to touch around people he considers close. But not when Taekwoon's doing relevant things.

Instead of saying anything, Wonshik starts to think. It's been a few days since Hongbin got shot and he is facing one dead end after the other, he is getting frustrated… Maybe he will go out tonight, get some fun.

His wounds have mostly healed anyways and he can handle a few punches, maybe some rough sex, a little bit of booze. He had done worse in the past.

Taekwoon turns to him as he leans against the wall, contemplating the opportunity of going out to talk with some outsiders. It seems like Jinyoung is ripping off throats on his side of the river for some unknown reason.

Taekwoon sighs, taking a sit by the couch. “It's a little weird to be back here.” He says a little guiltily. “It's not that I'm complaining but, Hongbin is not here and… I guess I got used to living with you?” Taekwoon pokes around a tiny scratch on the armrest and looks down. Wonshik smiles down to him, Hakyeon's voice goes back to his ears. Playing house…

He chuckles to himself and makes for the door, he has to take care of the garden.

And get dressed to leave.

The tattoos on his hands don't match well with the suit anyways and he wants to get his jeans back. Taekwoon is left alone in the middle of Hongbin's things, asking himself when will he wake up.

It's getting dark outside and he hates sleeping alone.

 

~×~

 

The night feels fresh now that he is not in that suit anymore, and quite frankly Wonshik feels at home on the streets. Not having a home the majority of his life, it's something he misses sometimes.

The streets.

But he was never a nostalgic man, so around the corner into this filthy alley and inside this club to get cheap alcohol and cheap company. Being part of a cartel and becoming relatively wealthy never made Wonshik any more interested in the rich people's things.

He _likes_ this kind of place and the brutal simplicity of everything in here. Everything is just as it seems: filthy and crass.

Much like Wonshik himself.

He is barely inside when a woman who looks much older then Wonshik himself attaches herself to his arm and asks if he wants some company. He does, but not now. Now he wants to get irresponsibly drunk and maybe put himself under some embarrassment while he's at it.

_Fuck, why not, right?_

Most of the alcohol here is diluted in water so it might take hours for him to get drunk with just this so there's that… but hey, he is not in a hurry.

He sits on a worn down stool by the bar and asks for something strong, the man must know him because his dull uninterested glance turns into a full wide eyed stare as his hands still completely on his cellphone game. The bar feels greasy and a little sticky but Wonshik is wearing long sleeves for a reason. “H-Hey Ravi! Good to see you up again, heard you got stabbed and shit.” The man stutters and reaches for a bottle stashed under the bar without breaking eye contact.

In all honesty, Wonshik was never one to flaunt over his oh-so-bad character because he thinks that’s actually very lame in itself, but apparently people take his lack of trying to be intimidating as a danger sign and he can’t help but think civilians are kind of stupid. “I did.” The man gives him a rocks glass and fills it with this special bottle he took from under the counter, the man’s grip shaking a little and making Wonshik think the man is certainly overreacting.

But maybe people think Hongbin is dead and he is the new head of the house. “On the house.” the man says with a awkward smile as he leaves the bottle and retreats like Wonshik just threatened him with a knife.

Wonshik doesn’t even carry knives on him.

That’s Hongbin’s thing.

Now alone with his thoughts and his amused smirk he considers if he should have gone a little further and into a different bar with some guys he knows. A  girl sits beside him and asks in the most coy way he can possibly manage if he is alone. He is, but he is not sufficiently drunk yet, so he drowns his glass before answering her. “I am.” he decides to indulge this woman, and she lights up to his answer like she seriously didn’t believe he would bother to say a word to her.

That’s a little sad. “Are you maybe looking for company?” she flips hair back to take it off her cleavage and Wonshik almost scoffs. Almost. He is not drunk enough to.

“I may be. Why?” He refills his glass just to empty it again. The girls looks at him with something similar to hunger in his eyes, but he is not in the mood for girls today.

She says she might be the company for him, he says he is fine with his glass to keep him company.

She looks disappointed, he doesn't care.

His attention is elsewhere, and the haze that starts to creep inside his eyes is what makes him get up and get out. He's just a little tipsy but not enough to numb his dick beyond use. You never know when you might need it.

He should have gone downtown after all, he might need a fight.

 

~×~

 

In his bed he thinks of how he doesn't want to be in his bed. So he gets up.

Insomnia is a fucking plague and it should be eradicated. He can almost touch the tired feeling in front of him, pressing his entire body down like a sack of bricks; and it is so hard to just sit up and go to the bathroom to take a bath. He feels limp but the water is like magic and he can move again, feel less like a corpse when he does it. A cup of coffee and he can pull an all nighter, maybe even pretend he slept.

He dresses in his navy blue sweatpants and a white t-shirt, sitting on the bed again to look at the window. It's almost three in the morning, Wonshik went out something like five hours ago.

Worry is not the best word to describe the feeling, it's more like caution. Wonshik being Wonshik is very capable of showing up the next day with his arm broken and a teeth missing.

Hakyeon asked him if he wanted to go out tonight as well, he and the boys had plans but he felt like staying home.

He still does.

He always does.

But now with his hair still a little damp and his mind too overwhelmed with thoughts of all kinds, it’s very unlikely that he is going to sleep again. So what to do?

He decides to get out and make himself that cup of coffee, so outside…

And downstairs…

And to the kitchen.

Everything in the dark because the lights blind him and make his head pound, and because he can walk without the lights now. He will never say it out loud but he is a little proud of that, of being capable of standing in the dark and knowing his ways.

To the kitchen, in this case.

The kettle already boiled and he is pouring some coffee powder into the filter when a loud crash comes from the living room right on the other side of the wall.

He drops the spoon and jumps in place, his chest racing with anxiety and his brain racing with panicked thoughts.

Ok so… careful steps to the door, carefully peeking out, and-

_Wonshik?_

He reaches for the light switch and the girl Wonshik was attached to squeals, he has some blood on his shirt or… or is it lipstick? This girl's hand is into Wonshik's pants…? They dropped a vase and… _Oh_ … Alright... Everyone stops, but Taekwoon is the first to put this frozen frame back into motion.

“O-Oh! I… I'm so sorry please don't mind me I…” One deep breath, his tongue running through his lips to wet them again for they feel dry… Embarrassment made them dry.

His lowers his head to hide the mortified blush he feels creeping over his features as his exits the room with the girl's voice asking him who is him.

_Does he want to join us?_

He can hear it through the wall, can hear Wonshik sighing and the sound of steps, can hear a faint and brief conversation, can hear the door opening and closing.

But he is only taking a few deep breaths and washing his face because _goddamn_.

Silence, he gets the hot water just in time for Wonshik to enter the room and lean against the door frame. “I thought you had left with her.” He says, trying to sound casual because he doesn't care about whom Wonshik spends his free time with but embarrassment is still thick inside his throat.

As an answer Wonshik whispers a deep and a little tired no as he sits by the table. “Was tryin’a get rid of her all night.” Taekwoon only hums as he watches the coffee and breathes in the smell just once to soothe his nerves.

It helps, it always helps. “Want some coffee...?” He asks and Wonshik nods, head resting over the table and watching him move, the way he always does. It used to creep him out but now it's just… Usual? Everyone here is a little out of it, him included. “Where's your new watchdog?” Wonshik asks when Taekwoon hands him the mug.

“Who?” Taekwoon frowns and Wonshik smiles, he was trying to be funny, he must have failed then. A sip from his mug and his back making him hiss when he sits straight again. “Hakyeon.” He explains but Taekwoon is not paying attention to that. The slight awkwardness is totally overthrown by this serious thing that comes out of nowhere.

He takes the mug he just gave him out of his and Wonshik makes a mild sound of protest. “What happened to you?” Wonshik clicks his tongue. Ignoring the fact that Taekwoon looks sincerely concerned. “Fights.” He says, looking up. Taekwoon gives in and leans against the counter, sighing like the father of a problematic teenager, which Wonshik was. “Are you angry? You look angry.” Taekwoon crosses his arms with his mug in hand and says nothing else. Wonshik gets up from his chair, leaving the coffee on the table, hands resting over the counter one of eachs side of Taekwoon’s body. “Beautiful… are you pissed? Don't be.” Wonshik's hands wander to his waist, closer to him. He smells heavily like himself, that thing he usually smells like but… There, under everything… Too many woman's perfumes.

He pushes Wonshik away and feels instantly guilty, the way Wonshik looks at him for a second breaks his heart. “Don't touch me. You smell like all the woman that grinded against you tonight.” A sigh and he leaves the mug over the counter. “I don't even know, Wonshik. Do what you want… Everyone here does it anyway.”

He goes away with the beginning of a headache pressing behind his eyes, the _lights_.

Now he thinks he may need another bath.

 

~×~

 

The thing he saw in Taekwoon's eyes is something he never thought he would see in his life.

Rejection.

He walks out and Wonshik is dumbfounded. He never saw Taekwoon pushing him away before and… It bothers him, makes his skin prickle. He is not used to rejection. From anyone.

Wonshik has no expectations with how life progresses. Sometimes he has urges, easily manageable desires to break or to touch, he always could easily give a name to which one he wanted.

Not tonight.

He is going to his room then, checking his wounds in the mirror, it's nothing, just a little scratch. It's not even bleeding anymore. It was only two little fights that ended really quick.

Tomorrow he has to meet Hakyeon and he will tell what's new, this small nothings won't get in the way.

But now… Now his mind is busy with the feeling of being denied of Taekwoon's body. Honestly he is not very good with priorities but he knows Hongbin is too tough to die with just a shot. Too bad and terrible to die so easily. He doesn't even need to check, he asks out of social expectations on the _friendship_ everyone projects on them.

Now about _Taekwoon_ … what to do if Taekwoon locks him out? It can happen. He is different now but… What if.

He thinks about it as he baths, thinks about it as he changes into something less constricting than leather pants and a black turtleneck. It's cold so maybe sweatpants and a hoodie are necessary before he can march to Taekwoon's room and sort this out.

He knocks on the door because he always knocks on every door before entering anyway since ever. “It's unlocked Wonshik.”

And so he walks in to Taekwoon smoking, his hands shaking hard even if his face shows nothing. “I hope you're not shaking because of me.” Wonshik's steps are careful.

Taekwoon chuckles a shaky laugh, looking down at his free hand. “Abstinence.” He wets his lips again before continuing. “It happens when I… When I get nervous.” The free hand he stuffs inside his pant’s pocket, the other brings the cigarette back to his mouth to take another long drag and hold his breath in for a few seconds, eyes closed. “Sorry… for earlier.” Taekwoon exhales, he looks almost in pain. Wonshik walks slowly to give him time to see him approaching.

To reach out.

To touch his face and see his skin is a little moist, his hair a little damp. “You look pale… and cold. You feel ok?” His question is soft spoken, he steps closer and Taekwoon steps back, they both stop. “I took a bath before coming here to see you.” He chuckles lightly and Taekwoon lowers his head, shame or shyness, one of them makes him blush.

Taekwoon feels more than sees Wonshik’s smile, the mocking almost inaudible laugh rumbling on his throat, a step into his personal space, hands on his waist pulling him into a hug, them swinging softly from side to side in a soothing manner and Wonshik touching his hair gently. “Let's go to bed, shall we?”

Finally. He can't sleep alone but asking for company makes him feel like a pushover. He wouldn't say anything had Wonshik not offered first.

The maddening factor is that the arm around his waist doesn't seem to be enough to silence the shaking and the the sleep seem to slip between his fingers as soon as his head touches the pillow.  “Why you stayed when you could have gone with her?” He asks, completely sure Wonshik is still awake for the hand on his waist is drawing patterns around his bellybutton.

“I'm not in the mood for girls.” Wonshik's voice sounds a deeper, more tired, his fingers as slow as before. Taekwoon hums and nuzzles at the pillow, Wonshik's nose on his nape, into the soft mess of hair, arms bringing Taekwoon’s back closer to his chest. “You feel stiff. What is it?” He mumbles softly in the crook of Taekwoon's neck, kissing the soft skin there, slowly and openly.

A sigh. Wonshik can't tell if it's because of the kiss or not but he likes the sound anyway.

“There's too much inside my head. This headache doesn't let me sleep.” Wonshik hums and pulls his shoulder back to hit the mattress, a little surprised gasp leaving Taekwoon as he stares at Wonshik and his serious face, hovering over him. “I can tell when you lie, doll. That's not all.”

Silence. Long and hard.

Until finally Wonshik leans down a bit, a light frown forming between his eyebrows. “What is it baby? Did something happen?” Taekwoon's mouth parts and closes, a small sigh leaving him and his hands coming to cup his own face. Even without the lights Wonshik can clearly make out the ring on Taekwoon's hand, and it makes him tilt his head a little. “You shouldn't be afraid of me… Not of me.”

The hands that covered his face fall to the side of Taekwoon's head, he looks up to meet Wonshik's gaze too seriously. “I'm almost always afraid of something, Wonshik-ah.”

“What are you afraid of right now?” Wonshik slowly hunches forward to nose at the neck of the man beneath him, humming softly at the feeling of soft skin and cologne. When Taekwoon inhales Wonshik can feel the tendons of his neck tensioning. “I'm afraid I might be misinterpreting what you are trying to imply tonight.”

This time Wonshik chuckles, one of his hands touching Taekwoon's left wrist, thumb caressing gently. Flesh so delicate it seems it can be ripped apart like paper. “And what do you think I'm implying tonight?” He whispers the words, he does not want to disturb this pace they find themselves in right now.

“Do you want me?” Tarkwoon's voice is barely a whisper, like he is afraid to be heard. Because he is. Wonshik has to stop and look at him. “I do. I just want to mess you up all the time. But can I?”

An arm comes to shield Taekwoon's eyes from Wonshik's stare. He can't handle him when he is serious. “You know I can't deny you…” His voice shakes when he says that. In shame, that dreadful feeling in his stomach.

His mind screaming _WHAT ABOUT HONGBIN? HOW COULD YOU?_

He doesn't know.

How?

He can't really tell how. There's this small voice in the back of his head, in the mess of thoughts he does not touch whispering.

**Screw Hongbin, mess him like he messed you.**

But Hongbin's heart will…

**You see what he did to you? You see what you’ve become?**

_**Make Hongbin suffer… Do you even care?** _

He does care… Right? Then why he feels no guilt in being with Wonshik? Why does he feel so thrilled in doing this? Is it because he trusts Wonshik more? Is it because Hongbin is not here and this small part of him blames Hongbin for leaving him alone when he said he wouldn't?

Is it because his mind is in ruins and it hurts to think all the time?

It hurts and he just needs this to stop.

**Make it stop.**

He heard Hakyeon talking on the phone. He heard Wonshik saying how Hongbin got shot.

The one he brought to his bed.

That one.

They shot him.

It was bound to happen. Someday one of his flings would cause this.

It happened in the past already.

It's not the first time Hongbin gets shot by strangers he brings to his room.

He didn't stop last time.

And he probably won't stop now.

When he wakes up, that is.

He never opposed Hongbin's flings as long as he came back to him.

This time he didn't.

And that…

That he can't forgive.

**_Make it all stop…_ **

Wonshik slides off his hoodie, Taekwoon tracing his tattoos with the tip of his fingers. “Do you think this will be a problem?” there are some beautiful drawings of a few cogs with words written on them around Wonshik's navel, hard muscle and scars under ink in a chaotic composition that defines Wonshik very well.

The smile that follows his question is a knowing one. “Do you want this to be a problem?” He helps Taekwoon out of his shirt and Taekwoon drapes his arms around Wonshik's neck. Bringing him down for a kiss.

Wonshik has his hands free to get him by the waist and up to his lap, sitting up a little awkwardly.

But they don't stay like this, they don't even stay on the bed. Wonshik lifts Taekwoon off the bed, making him yelp and break the kiss for a second. “What are you doing?”

But Wonshik is not about answers right now, he is about taking the other’s lower lip between his and biting a little too hard. “Making this a problem. Legs around my waist, beautiful.” He does as he is told. Wonshik's arms keep him up, hands under his thighs. “Good.”

He slides his hand through the waistband of Wonshik's pants, riding low on his hips, smiling when he hisses forehead falling to his shoulder and muttering a quiet fuck against Taekwoon's neck.

He leaves Taekwoon on top of the table near the door. “Spread your legs for me, will you?” When he does he uses the space to open the drawer and get a little white envelope, tapping white powder out of it on the back of his hand. “Sniff it, it will make you loosen up.”

Taekwoon looks wary. “Wonshik-ah…” but the man just smiles, mouthing the words trust me and looking so playful… He does, he inhales the white stuff and it leaves a bitter aftertaste in the back of his mouth.

And maybe because it's a powder, or because he hasn't eaten almost anything today…

It hits him hard.

Everything blown in color, and light, and maybe it's just his pupils too dilated taking in the light from outside or his brain melting but this feels _nice_.

He feels like laughing as he holds Wonshik's face with both hands. This man.

This man won't ever disappoint him.

This man.

“I wish I had married you, Wonshik.” He smiles fondly. Everything is multiplied. Wonshik's hands on him feel like fire and _god he could die like this_.

Oh he's hand is still inside Wonshik's pants… but then how did he held his face with both hands… oh well, aren't we delusional already?

He giggles to himself and Wonshik kisses him. “Never kiss a man you don't love.” Wonshik whispers way too hotly against his lips.

“I don't love you.” He mentions when they part for the second time. Wonshik smiles at him like he just said something beautiful. “You make it so easy for me to keep you around.”  His voice is too deep against his ears and Taekwoon won't deny, he makes it easy.

He remembers to flick his wrist and Wonshik gasps and drags him too close. “Where?” his voice is breathless and his eyes are closed. “Where you want to go? Or you want to stay here?”

He is in no condition of choosing a place. “You decide.” And it takes just that for him to be dragged to the bathroom, hands on his hip and a knee between his thighs. He mewls openly and the echo of the bathroom walls startles him a little. “So loud…”

A chuckle, Wonshik tugging at his pants and the cold tiles of the wall making him shiver. He feels fluttery, so very distant from here he loses some steps of the process… Clothes? The shower? He remembers nodding at a question and Wonshik asking again, bringing him back to this moment in time.

With them naked, on the bathtub together. “Don't leave me, gorgeous. Are you alright?” He looks genuinely worried and it makes Taekwoon smile.

It makes him cup his face and notice there is warm water around them, it makes him notice his nerves are screaming and he feels like melting and going down the drain. “I feel like I'm everywhere… and you…” his face comes closer to Wonshik's. “I really like your hair like this… Will you fuck me?”

Wonshik looks forever amused. “I'm not used to you saying fuck.” Taekwoon chuckles and mouths at Wonshik's tattoo, the rope he has around his neck. “Can we melt together? I feel like we can…” his voice has that whispery characteristic that makes Wonshik particularly pleased.

A sigh. Wonshik likes when Taekwoon sighs like this, whiny and pliant. “You have no idea how much I wanted to love you…” he moves them and sinks into Taekwoon, between his thighs,  far too slowly, just to see his eyes falling closed and his mouth falling open. The _heat_ is… unbearable. “ _Fuck_ … How much I wish I loved you like you deserve…”

Tarkwoon's arms sling around his neck and he moans long and broken at the same time as he pulls out. “Am I hurting you…?” He is already breathless, arms around Tarkwoon's waist to keep him close. He just shakes his head and kisses the corner of Wonshik's mouth soft and messy. “I don't really… I touch myself to... relief stress…” Wonshik is a breath away from saying that's not what he asked but Taekwoon's eyes stop him. It dawns on him even before Taekwoon continues to talk, eyes blurry as he caresses Wonshik's hair with his fingers. “I touch… _myself_ …” a pause as he gathers more words and traces Wonshik's small lips with his fingers. “Cute.” He chuckles, eyes and fingers tracing Wonshik's mouth, it's shape and how it moves when he speaks. “I'm fine… _move_.” His forehead comes to rest against Wonshik's own, he can feel their breaths mixing together.

He hopes they can melt in each other.

But they can't. And Wonshik is not moving. So he is the one to roll his hips, hearing the man inside him hiss and push him down to make him stop moving. “It's been a while since I fucked like this. Give me a second, beautiful.”

Normally he would, but he likes the sound Wonshik just made, and he feels too restless to stay still, so… “No… Cum if you want, I don't mind. I can take care of myself…” he takes Wonshik's hands in his, fingers laced together, and does it again. He is already content for feeling wanted, being distracted on how tired he feels all the time.

For the fact that it is Wonshik inside him. His orgasm is only a consequence, he is not all that focused about it.

When his hips roll again he is paying attention to the way Wonshik sounds strained, how his eyes fall closed and his hold on Taekwoon's hands tighten. The urge to please is bittersweet and his body tingles because the drug is making him antsy, making him feel like when Wonshik's calls his name– his actual name– a deep and strained “ _Taekwoon-ah_ …” he feels something under his skin constricting painfully.

Feels like home indeed…

And when Wonshik leans in close to him to bite his lips as he falls from the high Taekwoon offered him, Taekwoon can see something changed in the other's eyes…

Something that tells him it's far from over yet.

But it's fine.

He has no rush.

Not when Wonshik holds his neck so hard he feels like been choked.

Not when Wonshik whispers, voice husky and a little breathless. “I'm gonna mess you so hard…” and he has to laugh because this sounds like promises, no one makes promises they intend to keep around here anyway. “I would like to see you try Ravi-ya…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured I should stop being trash and at the very least finish posting this one. This story was finished long ago and it has a sequel that's also already finished.   
> I probably won't post it here (unless you guys really want it which I very much doubt because I took two years to update this shit) but if you want to check it anyway it's in my AFF page. I will provide links on the last chapter.


	29. Period

He doesn't feel as tired as he feels lethargic when he is woken up by Wonshik's kisses on his neck. And his first rational thought is that he really wants to go back to sleep. So he proceeds in trying to push the man away.

Taekwoon is not normally the kid to stay in bed and refuse to get up no matter the effort made on trying. The key word being not normally. “Morning beautiful.” Wonshik whispers against the shell of his ears, making Taekwoon shudder a little, out of habit.

He feels more than sees the hum and the kisses his deep-voiced and, as recent experience shows, also a little sadistic companion’s litters around his neck again, down his shoulderblades and his spine in slow pace, as slow as himself, fingers carefully mapping his sides as he lays there afraid of opening his eyes to blaring light. “Did you sleep well?”

Taekwoon half moans half grumbles and Wonshik chuckles lightly, turning Taekwoon over so he can lay between his legs and hug his middle, it's a slow morning it seems.

It's Thursday, you see. What a horrible day for a slow morning.

In response Taekwoon’s hand threads along his hair absentmindedly, fingers carding through black strands gently and it makes Wonshik smile against the man's navel. _Endearing._

Surprisingly, Wonshik is the one sporting marks and bruises and he is very positive there's a bite somewhere on his neck, he is just completely sure about it. It was either the drugs or Taekwoon's hidden violence talking, but either way he remain entirely pleased by the situation.

It doesn't matter.

He gets on his elbows to crawl over and look at Taekwoon's sleep-swollen face… and kiss him gently, his lips, his cheeks, his neck. “Are you in any pain?” And Taekwoon shakes his head, eyes still closed, legs easily parting so he can fit between them more comfortably, one arm thrown over Wonshik's lower back. “Stop talking…” his voice sounds hoarse and it makes Wonshik smile at the sound, at the words. Demanding Taekwoon is a good Taekwoon too.

The process of blinking his eyes open is not at excruciating as Taekwoon initially thought it would be. Wonshik didn't bother to open the curtains and most of the light is blocked, a few strings of white pain still slip through the spaces between the two pieces of fabric and land on his torso, feeling warm… Too warm for morning light. “What time is it?” He asks the question a bit groggily, blinking a few more times as Wonshik informs him very calmly that it's four in the afternoon.

_Holy shit… he slept for twelve hours?_

_He lost the entire day._

_God…_

“What do I do…?” A high pitched groan falls from his lips, he feels useless.

He feels slow and rotten on the inside.

He feels Wonshik kissing his collarbones… Does this man ever stop? “What are you doing, Wonshik-ah?”

His hands feels like two pillows, useless and inaccurate. The only reason he recognizes them as a part of him is because he thinks about fingers moving and that stupid blob of flesh and bone reacts moderately. That is the main reason that causes him to be too harsh when he tries to hold Wonshik’s face between his palms. “Stop.” He sits up and rubs his eyes, his back hurts a bit, he groans and Wonshik is on him again.

This time he leans back gladly, he is not all that young anymore. “It hurts doesn't it?” The smile on Wonshik's voice makes Taekwoon frown even with his eyes closed. “Fuck you.” Now Wonshik laughs openly, his voice always so playful no matter the situation.

“I really like when you curse.” His arms circle around Taekwoon's waist, warm and steady. Taekwoon feels so defeated he can only manage to only half heartedly pinch Wonshik's arms… a couple of half hearted pinches… with nails because yes. _Fuck you Kim Wonshik_.

 _I hope this hurts_.  “ _Ow_ …what did I do?” Wonshik whines as Taekwoon gets on his feet and walks to the bathroom. His mouth tastes like something died in it… And maybe it did.

His decency and his morals.

Oh… what a nice joke for a man with only half of his brain available. “Are you angry about something, gorgeous?”

From the bedroom he can make of the sound of the cabinet being opened and the faint sound of Taekwoon brushing up his teeth.

Silence.

Wonshik stays where he is, careful, poking around the sheets as he waits for Taekwoon to return. This is not about romance anyway for him to follow the lawyer around and do stupid couple shit together.

The sound of Taekwoon spitting on the sink and water running as he rinses his mouth brings him back to the present.

Then he steps out. “How can you be this fresh after all the bullshit that happened yesterday. And I didn't even use a condom… Do you have some STD I don't know about?” Wonshik snickers and shakes his head and Taekwoon looks at him with something sour that looks very much like a mix of anger and envy. “How can you even know? You hate doctors.” he grumbles under his breath, grumpy in a way that makes Wonshik scoff.

His hands settle back on Taekwoon's hips as he looks for his shirt. “Hakyeon forces us all to make some blood tests every few months.” His thumbs draw circles on his skin, a strong urge to placate Taekwoon taking over. “I don't fuck people all that often. I prefer fist fights.” His mouth settles over the shell of Tarkwoon's ears, breath warm and voice low. “You should consider yourself special.”

Taekwoon only bends to get his shirt from the floor and stare at Wonshik mildly. “Calm down, handsome.”

“I’ll take a bath. Let's see go Hongbinnie.” he smiles, nodding and allowing Taekwoon to slip between his fingers and go to the bathroom. He stays, he doesn't want to scare the other away.

Instead he only looks out of the window as he hears the faucet running.

Now he has proof.

Now he has to find the ones who shot Hongbin.

Taekwoon is not the one.

He is sure of it.

Those drugs were not just entertainment. But Taekwoon probably doesn't remember any of that.

And now that part of their past is over, it's time to focus on the future.

 

 

~+~

 

The way to the hospital is light, Wonshik's free hand resting over Taekwoon's thigh as the mentioned taps away on his phone; it rings a second later, Taekwoon picking up after the first ring. “Just after I see Hongbin. No, Hakyeon. Im gonna be quick, I just need to check on him. He didn't.” Wonshik is attentive but not invasive, his eyes focused on the road as he hears and exasperated Hakyeon on the other side of the line telling him to be quick, then.

And quick he is.

They hear the doctors telling them Hongbin did not wake up, he is stable but asleep, and it is not the time to be worried yet but… It may come the time to be worried.

Taekwoon kisses Hongbin temple and fixes his hair, give Wonshik a quick hug and goes out with his phone glued to his ears as he skips down the hallway to meet Hakyeon and his apparent emergency, asking Wonshik to call him if anything.

The cream long-sleeved turtle neck covers all of Wonshik's possible bruises but he can feel all of them. It’s not a lie when he tells Sanghyuk he is in a good mood today. “What is it, hyung? It’s not Friday for you to be in this good mood? Some lady stole your heart?” Sanghyuk asks playfully, that funny laugh of him making Wonshik chuckle along.

“I wish, Hyoggie.”

He really wanted to say it was some lady.

He really wanted to have a heart to be stolen.

But no such luck. He is not happy for the right reasons.

Is he ever?

“So what happened hyung? Weren't you all stressed because of Binnie?” Because of Binnie? Hardly. Their thing is not about worry.

Not about companionship.

Not about _friendship_. “I was, wasn't I?” He smiles and Sanghyuk makes a face, a kind of playful suspicion that has Wonshik chuckling again. “It _has_ to be a girl then. Who? Do I know her? I _have_ to know her if she made you this smiley.” Wonshik chuckles again, his eyes falling to the plastic cup in front of him.

He has to lick his lips to cover his smile this time. “I wonder.” Sanghyuk pushes his shoulder and laughs again. “Come on~ don't be selfish, hyung.”

_Selfish?_

This makes him laugh harder than Sanghyuk’s laugh has ever done before.

 

~×~

 

Taekwoon is sitting on his office with papers stacker beside his penholder.

Hakyeon has been walking around all day, and his hair is mess. Taekwoon would fix that himself but… Hakyeon does not stay still for long enough for him to be able to.

Rumor has it that Hongbin is dying, and so investors are worried about their investments… All at once.

All of them.

Taekwoon has to deliver the papers to Hakyeon on the tenth floor himself, so as tells one of the boys on the front desk to please bring more coffee, he grabs a bunch of revised papers and pushes the elevator button, tapping his foot and checking his watch because the situation is just _that_ bad.

The door slides open with a ding and he steps in just to have a man colliding with his chest and almost falling back… Almost because he manages to grab his shoulder with the free hand he still has and apologize and hold the elevator door at the same time.

The man has small eyes and looks a bit… familiar? Isn't this guy the man from the restaurant months ago? “I don't know if you heard of me but… Hi, I'm Chanshik… Can we talk?”


	30. Turning Point

“I’m sorry for just popping up on your office.”  Chanshik smiles sheepishly once they are inside Taekwoon’s office, closed doors blocking the rest of the world out.

Taekwoon is as stern as he is with every single stranger he crosses paths with. “How did you get in?” Chanshik blinks at him, nervous chuckles and licking his thin lips. “Well, I kind of walked… in? Through the front door?” This kid… He looks quite normal, a little shy perhaps?

Something falls outside and Taekwoon can hear someone groaning and uttering a very discontent shit for everyone to hear. The new printers must have come. But... Chanshik jumps on his chair brusquely, hugging himself and lowering his head… He is shaking…. Is he… Is he _crying_?

Taekwoon is up from his chair as Hakyeon storms inside yelling he is waiting for that goddamn forms for _half an hour_ Taekwoon- _WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON_?!

He is slamming the door and and Chanshik is further shrinking into himself. Is it… Is it the noises?

Loud noises make him cry?

“Hakyeon calm down.” Taekwoon raises a hand but Hakyeon is already everywhere. Around the table and and Taekwoon has to hold his wrist. “Hakyeon, _stop_!”

“Who the fuck let you in?! And why are you crying you little-” Taekwoon is pulling him back and covering Hakyeon’s mouth for Chanshik is covering both his ears and sobbing like a scared child. “Hakyeon you’re scaring him. Stop it.”

Hakyeon is enraged, he can see, his eyes don’t leave Chanshik for a second. He knows the second he release Hakyeon is the second he will start yelling again. “Hakyeon please. _Don’t_.” Only then Hakyeon’s eyes turn back to him and his hands relax, knuckles no longer white.

He frees himself from Taekwoon’s hold just to drag him to the hallway. “This man _is a murderer, are you insane?!_ ” His voice is a harsh whisper, hand on his forehead as he stares at Taekwoon with his eyebrows in an angry frown.

In all honesty Taekwoon does not understand, he broke down crying like a child, which he still is, he can hear it. Chanshik does not look like a murderer. “Taekwoon he has a double personality disorder! His mind has blackouts. You trust people too easy, my god I’ll call Wons-”

“No. I want to hear what he has to say.”  Hakyeon’s frown worsens, and his hold on his phone tightens. “Why would you want that?”

Good question. “He is part of Hongbin’s past, and he came to me, he must have something important to say.”

Taekwoon knows virtually nothing about Hongbin, and he… He deserves to know.

Hakyeon squints and tells him he won’t be alone with Chanshik in a room, Taekwoon has nothing more to say, only sighs and goes back inside with Hakyeon in tow. Chanshik is all hiccups and tiny sobs and Taekwoon feels bad for him, he offers the man his handkerchief and an awkward hand on his shoulder. “So-sorry… I… Loud noises make me nervous…” He clutches at the handkerchief but doesn’t use it, Taekwoon doesn’t comment it. “I… I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok.” Taekwoon takes a step back and allows the man to breathe for a bit. “Why you risked yourself to come here? You could have been shot.” Taekwoon reasons, but Chanshik is looking at Hakyeon’s merciless stare. “Hakyeon please.”

Hakyeon scoffs and walks to the window to light a cigarette. “I’m sorry about Hakyeon.” Taekwoon says with a slight bow. There is no fun in pressuring someone who is weaker than you, and Chanshik is terrified.

“I heard Hongbin is… I heard he is unwell.” He sniffs and dries his eyes, on his own sleeves, still holding Taekwoon’s handkerchief in his hands. “Is he going to be ok? I was worried.” Hakyeon scoffs again and Taekwoon fixes him a glare before looking at Chanshik again.

Chanshik’s eyes float from Taekwoon to Hakyeon. “I shouldn’t have come… O-Of course I...” He bites his lips, getting on his feet, folding Taekwoon’s kerchief and giving it back, bowing deeply before storming out before Taekwoon has the chance of saying anything else.

Hakyeon watches him go impassively, getting the reports he came to fetch from over the table. “I’ll ask the security if he is went out.” He says as Taekwoon sits down again, a tired sigh leaving his lungs. “I won’t tell Wonshik, but don’t come close to Gong Chanshik again… He and Hongbin were together for a reason, bear that in mind.” Without waiting for and answer, Hakyeon storms out to go back to his obligations and it’s not like Taekwoon has a lot to do.

He looks at the kerchief and sighs, but… a piece of crumpled paper falls to the floor as he stuffs it back inside his pockets. A sequence of numbers carelessly written on it.

A cellphone number?

He should throw it out but…

No… He will keep it for now.

He probably won’t ever use it but maybe he should keep it… Who knows.

 

~+~

  
 

“Wonshikit-kat is Hongbunny going to be ok?” Jaehwan asks from his chair on the side of Hongbin’s bed. Wonshik doesn’t know, he is no doctor, he is a gardener but people often forget about that.

He tells Jaehwan he doesn’t know and Jaehwan hums patiently, eyes cast to the ceiling, still slow from his medications.

Wonshik’s back remain against the cool tiled wall, and his minds sways from thoughts about getting who shot Hongbin and thoughts about things he is actually interested about.

Like his next fight.

But suddenly Jaehwan is up his chair and it s him. “HONGBINNIE!”

Hongbin does not say a thing but he moves his head away from Jaehwan and his impossibly loud voice, weak, slow and with his eyes still closed.

He calls Hakyeon.

Hongbin is awake.

 

~+~

 

Hakyeon and consequently Taekwoon arrive earlier than expected. Hongbin is resting his back on the bed and looks tired but unfazed by the turn of events. Like this kind of shit is part of his daily life. “How are you feeling?” Hakyeon asks as Taekwoon sits by the side of the bed and touches Hongbin's messy hair with cool fingers.

Hongbin smiles faintly at him before looking closing his eyes again. “Like living a hangover.” He says and his voice is raspy for the lack of use, face resting against Taekwoon's palm.

“The usual then.” Hakyeon says with his sass right in place as always. Hongbin hums mildly. “I feel this a lot when I have to interact with you, specially the headaches and the nausea.” Hongbin says, a small and short lived smirk on his face.

Hakyeon makes a face and look at Wonshik. “Marvelous, he even has the energy to be disrespectful. Let's bring him back him today?” Jaehwan is the one to inform them the doctors demand him to stay at the hospital for a week more, but they will only manage to hold Hongbin back for three more days at best.

Hongbin is not a force to be held.

The mentioned only smiles up at Taekwoon. “How have you been?”

Taekwoon pets his hair gently, putting the messy blind strands back in place. “I'm fine. I can perfectly live without you.” He jokes softly and Hongbin pouts, ignoring as Wonshik handles Hakyeon. “You shouldn't say that to a man who was on the verge of death a few days ago.”

“It's your own fault for having everyone in your bed other than your husband.” He smiles and Hongbin makes a displeased face, clearly annoyed by the observation.

Such a cold hearted husband… That's what Hongbin says. That's rich isn't it? Coming from a man who takes pleasure in making people bleed… But no fights, Taekwoon kisses his temple and soon the doctors come to whisker all of them away.

They split in two cars and Taekwoon goes with Hakyeon, still having work to do; and Wonshik says he wants to go out tonight and ease his nerves. That meaning he will probably fight.

Everyone in here does as they want, Wonshik is not exception.

He walks alone down the street as he thinks.

Thinks about his upcoming fight. That until his phone buzzes with a message from Hakyeon telling him he won't be able to meet him tomorrow, he and Taekwoon have to pull an all-nighter and put all this paperwork in order.

Hakyeon really took in his hands the responsibility of been Taekwoon's guardian. Even if that doesn't remove Wonshik's compromise on doing his job and keeping Taekwoon safe, it does make situations such as this one acceptable.

He is already used to holding Taekwoon at night to sleep. It is not a necessity, he doesn't exactly misses it when he doesn't do it but… it's funny to see how easily it fell into his routine. How he doesn't think it's strange to have someone in his bed for something other than sex.

He's mellowing out.

_No._

No he isn't.

He laughs alone and steps into the stuffy inside of the packed full building, grabbing a beer by the bar before walking to the center ring and watch for a few turns, finding some of his friends and laughing as the guy on the ring is knocked out cold after a single kick.

The guys he is with whistle when he takes his shirt off to go fight and shows the marks of nails on his back, they call it “some frisky lady” and Wonshik thinks is kind of dull of them to just assume it was a lady.

But again, it takes some sharp nails to do this kind of damage.

He looks over his shoulder to access the damage on his back…

Oh yeah, still there.

He steps on the ring with a smile and his eyes closed.

Once he starts bleeding, and he _will_ eventually, he already has a nurse in mind to tend to his wounds.

 


	31. Over

Wonshik is fucking stupid.

No, but really.

The man stepped inside his room the day before and Taekwoon could smell the blood from where he stood… On the bed… Nine feet away from the door. Fucking stupid.

He will end up dying.

He told him just that.

_We will all die one day, beautiful._

That whole scene transpassed and it was only something like, six in the morning? Promising. Specially considering Taekwoon did not sleep and had to drop by the hospital before going back to work because he only came to take a nap, a quick shower and go out again. Hakyeon is already on the car outside and he didn’t even finish buttoning his shirt because patching Wonshik took so damn long.

Promising.

He goes inside the car after giving up on his tie and noticing he forgot his watch and got the same suit from the day before, which is clean but even so… Not so classy.

In the end he never called Chanshik. It seemed like a betrayal to Hongbin and he… He didn’t want to do that.

Betray anyone.

Hongbin is a lot better today, he is sitting up and holding a mug of coffee as he reads some papers Wonshik brought him earlier still, but Wonshik himself was nowhere to be seen. “Good morning, Hongbinnie.” Hongbin smiles that incandescent smile of his and Taekwoon sure have missed it, his heart clenches when he sees it.

The reason why is a little cloudy though. “Hello hyung. Are you too busy?” He nods and takes a sip from Hongbin’s cup without asking because he is just so late. “Won’t you give me a good morning kiss?”

He does, setting the mug on the night stand, still bristling with anxiety for he is still late, Hongbin pressing the back of his neck and mumbling a relax against his lips that somewhat helps him remember to relax his shoulder if only a little. “I’ve missed you, Hongbinnie.” he smiles softly as they part and Hongbin plays with his pendant as he always does. He looks up and Taekwoon almost forgot how big Hongbin’s eyes look when he is at ease like this. “Say that again. Say you’ve missed me.”

“I’ve missed you.” Hongbin hugs him with that airy chuckle of him betraying the fact that his heart is buried in hell.

He is late for work and he has to go.

But he has plans on coming back by surprise today, after all Hongbin is back to him, right?

 

~+~

 

Wonshik is laying in the sun on the waiting room, snoring beside an old man in a wheelchair that seems to find him very amusing, he heard Jaehwan telling him Taekwoon stopped by this morning, but now is almost lunch time and he feels useless, black eyes and all.

The nurses think he is a patient and so it’s totally ok to just lay around old people and sleep for hours, apparently.

But now is the third time consciousness slips by his eyes and he won’t ignore it anymore, he will wake for good and grab a cup of coffee… Or tequila.

Oh, well.

Hongbin’s room is right by the end of the hallway, and he has papers in hand when Wonshik steps in, hands stuffed inside his pockets and yawning like a bear out of hibernation.

Do bears yawn? Wonshik doesn’t know much about bears.

“Capable enough to talk with me about business?” Hongbin asks, leaving the papers behind, voice even but stern, Wonshik only nods and blinks a few times. “Found the responsible for this shit?” He asks pointing to the scar on his chest.

“No. But I can tell you Taekwoon has nothing to do with it all.”

Hongbin goes silent for a few seconds. “Are you sure? Wonshik if you are playing me I’ll stab you for real this time.” Wonshik scoffs and tries to put his hair back in place. “You stabbed me for real. I went to a hospital and all… Anyways, I’m sure. He is thinking of how we ‘made up’ after that fight thing, he asked me already, You better look for an excuse, Hakyeon knows already, you must know.”

Hongbin sighs and presses at his temples. “Is this why he is insufferable these days? He found out about this stupid little lie? Does he know I was the one who ordered the stabbing thing?” Wonshik shrugs, after the fight thing he and Hakyeon barely talk anymore. “He also took Taekwoon under his wing, he is willing to fight the both of us.”

If there is something Hongbin hates more than liars is people who meddle on other people’s business. “I will deal with Hakyeon later, how do you know Taekwoon has nothing to do with this?” Wonshik sits on the chair by the window, it’s sunny today. Looking back at Hongbin on the couch, needle on his hand, ignoring medical orders, Wonshik is very objective in his answer. “Drugged him.”

“You did what?!” Taekwoon steps inside, and aside from his watering eye, everything about him screams rage in every possible sense of the word. “Y _ou two fucking PIECES OF TRASH! I BELIEVED IN YOU!_ ” His voice cracks at the end and Hongbin’s eyes go wide. This is the loudest Wonshik has ever seen Taekwoon speak in his life, and certainly never saw him so enraged.

Hakyeon is inside in a second. “What happened?” Taekwoon is taking the ring off his hands and throwing it on the floor. “You don’t deserve my tears… _I loved you_.” the ways he says it make Hongbin frown.

Hakyeon watches, both eyebrows arched. “And _you_ …” when he turns to Wonshik his expression becomes pained and his lips tremble and Wonshik stands up but Taekwoon takes two steps back. “I wish I have never met any of you… I hate you so much right now I would kill you myself Kim Wonshik.” Taekwoon’s voice is dying on his throat. Wonshik opens his mouth, another step towards him that sets Taekwoon running too fast from the room and past Hakyeon and outside and away from them.

_All of them…_

Wonshik is leaning against the wall and covering his face with both hands, doctors storming in as Hongbin loses consciousness once again, too much stress, too fast... Hakyeon by the door looks at him with something that makes Wonshik angry.

“Congratulations. You broke him.” Hakyeon says as he walks out and Wonshik looks out of the window, his head hurts.

Outside Taekwoon catches his phone with shaking hands and teary eyes.

Everything hurts, he feels nauseous.

“Chanshik, I need you help.”

_They will pay for this..._

 

 

 

* * *

 

The sequel is right [here](https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1135086/never-angst-mentaldisorder-gangsterau-wontaek-leobin). You can go read it there if you want.

If not, thank you all for getting up to this point and I'll see you in the future :)

 


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